“My friends warned me not to marry a white woman”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would hire cleaners - my husband (we are both white) had many period of low or no employment when we were first married and never cleaned even though i was working 60-70 hours a week. So I just hired someone to relieve that area of strain - it was annoying but not worth the fighting about it, now 25 plus years later - he has been a great sahd and partner. I think its rare to find a DH who will clean w/out alot of constant nagging They are spoiled by their mothers who make the sisters wait on them (as was the case in my family growing up).

Most people don't like to clean. I don't. DH doesn't. Women usually have a lower tolerance for dirt, dust and disorder and will start cleaning before men do. If you hire someone to clean every 2 weeks, that will be enough to keep a clean enough house if everyone helps by doing dishes and laundry, emptying trash, and wiping down counters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^
This is generally true and I agree with you. However the state of “white” American marriages today is that the husband does the majority of the cooking and all of the cleaning. It’s not that the wives are doing 50% of the domestic work/chores and forcing their men to pick up the slack…it’s that they’re doing very little of it…because after a hard day at work (not disputing that) there isn’t enough energy to cook a meal…and after a hard week of work the weekend is for hanging around in pajamas and binge watching shows while your husband does the yard and cooks nice sat and sun meals…it’s certainly not for dusting and cleaning.

Maybe it’s the pendulum swinging all the way to the other end because our dads and grandpas were selfish jackasses, but that doesn’t make it any fairer to todays “white” husbands.

That’s my assumption of the op…that she’s just another white girl raised by a feminist (who did all the domestic work btw) to believe she shouldn’t have to do this stuff because she has a job. We’ll, the stuff’s still gotta get done.

Your assumption is not reality. Women in the US still do the vast majority of the house chores and childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would hire cleaners - my husband (we are both white) had many period of low or no employment when we were first married and never cleaned even though i was working 60-70 hours a week. So I just hired someone to relieve that area of strain - it was annoying but not worth the fighting about it, now 25 plus years later - he has been a great sahd and partner. I think its rare to find a DH who will clean w/out alot of constant nagging They are spoiled by their mothers who make the sisters wait on them (as was the case in my family growing up).

Most people don't like to clean. I don't. DH doesn't. Women usually have a lower tolerance for dirt, dust and disorder and will start cleaning before men do. If you hire someone to clean every 2 weeks, that will be enough to keep a clean enough house if everyone helps by doing dishes and laundry, emptying trash, and wiping down counters.

+1 How many times have we read on this forum that the DHs claim that they do clean, just not the way the DW likes it.

I can see the dust and dirt but DH (nor the kids) can. I'm not a neat freak by any means, but I can't stand stuff on the floor, and lots of dust means the house is dirty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^
This is generally true and I agree with you. However the state of “white” American marriages today is that the husband does the majority of the cooking and all of the cleaning. It’s not that the wives are doing 50% of the domestic work/chores and forcing their men to pick up the slack…it’s that they’re doing very little of it…because after a hard day at work (not disputing that) there isn’t enough energy to cook a meal…and after a hard week of work the weekend is for hanging around in pajamas and binge watching shows while your husband does the yard and cooks nice sat and sun meals…it’s certainly not for dusting and cleaning.

Maybe it’s the pendulum swinging all the way to the other end because our dads and grandpas were selfish jackasses, but that doesn’t make it any fairer to todays “white” husbands.

That’s my assumption of the op…that she’s just another white girl raised by a feminist (who did all the domestic work btw) to believe she shouldn’t have to do this stuff because she has a job. We’ll, the stuff’s still gotta get done.

Your assumption is not reality. Women in the US still do the vast majority of the house chores and childcare.

That PP is out of their mind. I'm a white woman married to a white man and have many similar friends. The idea that the majority of white American men are busting their asses running the household cooking and cleaning while their wives loaf around watching TV is bonkers. I know maybe two American men who are MAYBE doing 60 percent of this work and none of them doing anything close to what is described above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be honest: Same race, different race, same ethnicity, different ethnicity, same religion, different religion..,doesn't matter.

Every relationship is going to have issues.

+1 I'm pretty sure that this is an issue for a lot of couples, irrespective of race. Just look at this forum.

This is a marital dynamic issue, not a race issue.

I'm in a biracial marriage: I'm Asian; he's white. I do not play the trad wife. DH does most of the cooking and grocery shopping, but I do clean, which I don't mind as much.

No. There are some cultures where the men won’t do anything. They won’t change diapers, cook or clean. Nada. That’s not typical for the average white guy. White men aren’t perfect but they generally do SOMETHING. South Asian men, African and middle eastern are known not to do much.

I'm Middle Eastern. If you're UMC, the women aren't doing the cleaning and the MIL would love nothing more than to make all of the food and babysit. I think it really depends on education/income, because I know a few with nannies.

[Anonymous]

It’s very difficult to reconcile different cultures once people get a little older. They all seem lovely in the beginning years but after 40 or so the veneer comes off. I am advising my DDs to marry American or Western/Northern European. Otherwise it’s just not worth it - being put down by a lazy man, paired with some inferiority complex, it’s a toxic mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very difficult to reconcile different cultures once people get a little older. They all seem lovely in the beginning years but after 40 or so the veneer comes off. I am advising my DDs to marry American or Western/Northern European. Otherwise it’s just not worth it - being put down by a lazy man, paired with some inferiority complex, it’s a toxic mix.

Agreed. Why put those other men through the hell of having a racist, provincial MIL.

[Anonymous]

Not sure I would want a spouse pointing out things that a certain race would do. It’s dividing. You should be united as one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But did he cook and clean while you dated? What made you all want to get married? You have to get back to that.

And I went to counseling with my ex. A few different counselors. They all told us to just hire a cleaning lady. Nope. I dumped the guy instead. I’m still annoyed with those counselors.

He did. He’s a great cook and kept a very clean house. He was also very progressive and feminist when we dated.

There’s been other stuff. He wants to talk a lot about European colonization and how horrible it was. Which it was, but I’m not really sure how to respond when he’s heavily implying he thinks I shouldn’t be here. Also various commentary on white people, like if we visit my family he’ll comment on how he’s freaked out by how many blonde people there are. If I pick up a hobby he’ll often comment how it’s a “white people thing”.

It sounds like he’s having second thoughts about marrying you. There is a difference between a house and a home. Maybe you just don’t feel like home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m white, H is Latino. We’ve struggled a LOT with the division of domestic labor and everything defaulting to me. We’ve tried Fair Play a few times without much success, but decided to give it another shot.

We went out for a coffee date a couple weekends ago to talk and divide up the cards. I tried to keep everything light-hearted and fun, and to have open conversations like the book says to. H kept getting more and more visibly irritated with the whole thing, and in the middle of dividing up the cards loudly said in the coffee shop: “my friends warned me not to marry a white woman because they don’t clean!”

I shrugged it off and didn’t respond because there were literally tables within 2-3 feet of us that I’m sure heard it. I brought it up later and he did apologize. But the more I sit with it, the more it really bothers me. His mom has talked about how he should be with a woman who stays home and does all the domestic work (which is a moot point, because H can’t afford it on his salary alone). And sometimes H makes offhand comments about white people (like a got into a certain hobby, and his response was “that’s such a white person thing to do”).

Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Or should I be concerned over this?

Considering the history of colonialism and oppression from white people for centuries against indigenous populations, which your Hispanic husband undoubtedly has some ancestral ties to, you should be more than happy to do a little housework.

What does this have to do with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be honest: Same race, different race, same ethnicity, different ethnicity, same religion, different religion..,doesn't matter.

Every relationship is going to have issues.

+1 I'm pretty sure that this is an issue for a lot of couples, irrespective of race. Just look at this forum.

This is a marital dynamic issue, not a race issue.

I'm in a biracial marriage: I'm Asian; he's white. I do not play the trad wife. DH does most of the cooking and grocery shopping, but I do clean, which I don't mind as much.

I think race (or culture that the person was raised in) is a significant factor. This is why you hear of passport bros, but never the opposite. Believe it or not, as much as American women complain about the unequal division of labor in marriage, the non-western world is several times worse. Standards are way higher for American men, that's why the dating market skews heavily towards them (the exact opposite is true of non western men).

This is true. I am African and I tell my sister if you want an equal partner marry an American man.

Not the case. Plus if they marry an "American man" their sex life will suffer. To each their own.

Are you saying married American men don't want to have sex with their wives? Maybe their wives got fat quickly with big bellies the size of cantaloupe and massive ass cheeks

[Anonymous]

A friend from South America asked me once "how do you get your DH to make dinner?" My response was: "he will starve if he doesn't."

We both work. We both commute. No way I was going to do it all, esp when he is home before me. I do do "more" of the household labor but that's b/c I like things a certain way. He does other things I don't do (car stuff, scheduling house maintenance, etc.) But in general it is pretty acceptable division of labor.

I simply did not give him a choice. After several times of picking up his piles of stuff around the house, leaving them on his dresser or side of the bed with "find a place for this stuff", he is better about cleaning up after himself. But, I'm not above passive-aggressive (i.e., cleaning my plates and not his) if he starts slacking off. And to be clear, I only do this after asking him multiple times to "please put away your XXX."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very difficult to reconcile different cultures once people get a little older. They all seem lovely in the beginning years but after 40 or so the veneer comes off. I am advising my DDs to marry American or Western/Northern European. Otherwise it’s just not worth it - being put down by a lazy man, paired with some inferiority complex, it’s a toxic mix.

Agreed. Why put those other men through the hell of having a racist, provincial MIL.

I’m actually speaking from experience. So your attempted insult won’t work on me. I regret marrying this particular man with his misogynistic culture, which came out after many years. I’ve since spoken to others and they had the same/similar experience. Warning DDs not to repeat my mistake.

[Anonymous]

Well, some hobbies are very white people centric. I say this as a white person, married to a black person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, some hobbies are very white people centric. I say this as a white person, married to a black person

We aren't talking about polo and squash here. We are talking about cooking and cleaning.