“My friends warned me not to marry a white woman”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^
This is generally true and I agree with you. However the state of “white” American marriages today is that the husband does the majority of the cooking and all of the cleaning. It’s not that the wives are doing 50% of the domestic work/chores and forcing their men to pick up the slack…it’s that they’re doing very little of it…because after a hard day at work (not disputing that) there isn’t enough energy to cook a meal…and after a hard week of work the weekend is for hanging around in pajamas and binge watching shows while your husband does the yard and cooks nice sat and sun meals…it’s certainly not for dusting and cleaning.

Maybe it’s the pendulum swinging all the way to the other end because our dads and grandpas were selfish jackasses, but that doesn’t make it any fairer to todays “white” husbands.

That’s my assumption of the op…that she’s just another white girl raised by a feminist (who did all the domestic work btw) to believe she shouldn’t have to do this stuff because she has a job. We’ll, the stuff’s still gotta get done.

Pardon my spit take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, some hobbies are very white people centric. I say this as a white person, married to a black person

We aren't talking about polo and squash here. We are talking about cooking and cleaning.

The post said he called her hobby a white person thing. Keep up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m white, H is Latino. We’ve struggled a LOT with the division of domestic labor and everything defaulting to me. We’ve tried Fair Play a few times without much success, but decided to give it another shot.

We went out for a coffee date a couple weekends ago to talk and divide up the cards. I tried to keep everything light-hearted and fun, and to have open conversations like the book says to. H kept getting more and more visibly irritated with the whole thing, and in the middle of dividing up the cards loudly said in the coffee shop: “my friends warned me not to marry a white woman because they don’t clean!”

I shrugged it off and didn’t respond because there were literally tables within 2-3 feet of us that I’m sure heard it. I brought it up later and he did apologize. But the more I sit with it, the more it really bothers me. His mom has talked about how he should be with a woman who stays home and does all the domestic work (which is a moot point, because H can’t afford it on his salary alone). And sometimes H makes offhand comments about white people (like a got into a certain hobby, and his response was “that’s such a white person thing to do”).

Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Or should I be concerned over this?

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

I’m white and my DH is Latino, and he won’t do certain things either (like change diapers or do baths). He is very accustomed to gendered labor division, so we decided early on that I would stay home with the children (and eventually get a part time job when they went to school), he pays all the bills. I don’t think he would do Fair Play cards, and his friends would probably call that a white person thing too. The difference is that I married him knowing that, I’m fine doing the kid stuff while he pays the bills. He also plays a lot with the kids, thinks I’m absolutely beautiful, loves his mama, and would go Taken on anyone who ever tried to mess with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m white and my DH is Latino, and he won’t do certain things either (like change diapers or do baths). He is very accustomed to gendered labor division, so we decided early on that I would stay home with the children (and eventually get a part time job when they went to school), he pays all the bills. I don’t think he would do Fair Play cards, and his friends would probably call that a white person thing too. The difference is that I married him knowing that, I’m fine doing the kid stuff while he pays the bills. He also plays a lot with the kids, thinks I’m absolutely beautiful, loves his mama, and would go Taken on anyone who ever tried to mess with me.

Reading this gave me second-hand embarrassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be honest: Same race, different race, same ethnicity, different ethnicity, same religion, different religion..,doesn't matter.

Every relationship is going to have issues.

+1 I'm pretty sure that this is an issue for a lot of couples, irrespective of race. Just look at this forum.

This is a marital dynamic issue, not a race issue.

I'm in a biracial marriage: I'm Asian; he's white. I do not play the trad wife. DH does most of the cooking and grocery shopping, but I do clean, which I don't mind as much.

No. There are some cultures where the men won’t do anything. They won’t change diapers, cook or clean. Nada. That’s not typical for the average white guy. White men aren’t perfect but they generally do SOMETHING. South Asian men, African and middle eastern are known not to do much.

I'm Middle Eastern. If you're UMC, the women aren't doing the cleaning and the MIL would love nothing more than to make all of the food and babysit. I think it really depends on education/income, because I know a few with nannies.

Yeah in the he does no housework scenario it’s supposed to be bc he is earning enough income to pay someone to do it, not so that his wife can be the house cleaner. Tell that to your latino husband. Tell him your friends told you not to marry a Latino man bc they don’t earn enough to pay a house cleaner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen this dynamic so I don't think OP is a troll. It is exacerbated when the husband was not raised in the US, does not have any sisters and the mother in law lives close by.
Honestly if you do not have children, divorce. He will not change any diapers and is not interested in raising the kid except if it's teaching his son soccer.
Just out of curiosity, do you sometimes go out with friends who are not Hispanic as a couple and he spends most of his time scrolling on his phone?

100% True. I warn American women before marrying non-American men like me. American dads are great. They are fully involved and do as much as the moms. I am Hispanic and married a Hispanic woman. I am not interested in changing diaper, cooking or having a woman talked back to me in public in a disrespectful way.

White woman married to a Hispanic man and I endorse the accuracy of this post. PS he will think it is his right to put you down if you don’t perform to standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he think all the white women in America become maids for their husbands? What an ass.

The opposite. Hispanic women cook and clean and don’t require any chores of their husbands (according to him, his mom and his friends). White women nag their men to clean.

I have a Latina colleague who is in her 30s, recently married to a Latino. They also are having issues about these same things. She has been career oriented and has a big job. She is trying to adjust to cooking after work as she expects it of herself but she hates it. Up to this point she was not domestic at all and she is struggling with it. Her mother-in-law has been a problem since they got serious. They were going to counseling before they got married. I live in California and have had many Latina colleagues over the years. The older ones did the second shift or just did not get married because they didn't want to live like this. For younger people, like my newly married friend, I think there will have to be serious cultural change on expectations for women, or there will be a lot of divorces. The expectations are ridiculous!

A large part of the problem is that in their country of origin where this works it’s often because regular people can afford household help to cook and clean. In the US it is prohibitively expensive for a lot of people and couples end up fighting over something that other cultures outsource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he think all the white women in America become maids for their husbands? What an ass.

The opposite. Hispanic women cook and clean and don’t require any chores of their husbands (according to him, his mom and his friends). White women nag their men to clean.

I have a Latina colleague who is in her 30s, recently married to a Latino. They also are having issues about these same things. She has been career oriented and has a big job. She is trying to adjust to cooking after work as she expects it of herself but she hates it. Up to this point she was not domestic at all and she is struggling with it. Her mother-in-law has been a problem since they got serious. They were going to counseling before they got married. I live in California and have had many Latina colleagues over the years. The older ones did the second shift or just did not get married because they didn't want to live like this. For younger people, like my newly married friend, I think there will have to be serious cultural change on expectations for women, or there will be a lot of divorces. The expectations are ridiculous!

A large part of the problem is that in their country of origin where this works it’s often because regular people can afford household help to cook and clean. In the US it is prohibitively expensive for a lot of people and couples end up fighting over something that other cultures outsource.

"Regular people" being people who have a lot more money than the majority of the population in those countries.

This is definitely the case in my country of origin. And I married an American man from a different culture (not White) that places even more unrealistic expectations on women.

Frankly neither of us keeps the house super clean. We both kind of make fun of each other. I think it is to my benefit that I don't try too hard to keep the house nice to the point of doing a lot of additional domestic work. It works because we each feel a little guilty and try to step up as much as possible. The house is still kind of a mess, but DH and I get along.

OP needs to stop making up for her husband's lack of action. Stop doing sh$t for him. If he wants the house to be cleaner, he needs to pony up for a house cleaner, not expect his wife to do it for him for free on top of her full time job. If he wants dinner he needs to cook it. If he doesn't like it, tough sh$t, life is hard.

[Anonymous]

Btw of course he wants you to do stuff for free. That would be awesome to have someone work for you for free! Don't think of it as "he's a bad person why did I marry him" think of it as " he is a typical man baby who needs to grow the F up". If he says he wants you to clean, laugh, roll your eyes and walk away. Or if you need to be more direct, say "I am not the f&ing maid". Sometimes men need obvious sh&t explained to them so they will stop being entitled little b!tcvhes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he think all the white women in America become maids for their husbands? What an ass.

The opposite. Hispanic women cook and clean and don’t require any chores of their husbands (according to him, his mom and his friends). White women nag their men to clean.

I have a Latina colleague who is in her 30s, recently married to a Latino. They also are having issues about these same things. She has been career oriented and has a big job. She is trying to adjust to cooking after work as she expects it of herself but she hates it. Up to this point she was not domestic at all and she is struggling with it. Her mother-in-law has been a problem since they got serious. They were going to counseling before they got married. I live in California and have had many Latina colleagues over the years. The older ones did the second shift or just did not get married because they didn't want to live like this. For younger people, like my newly married friend, I think there will have to be serious cultural change on expectations for women, or there will be a lot of divorces. The expectations are ridiculous!

A large part of the problem is that in their country of origin where this works it’s often because regular people can afford household help to cook and clean. In the US it is prohibitively expensive for a lot of people and couples end up fighting over something that other cultures outsource.

So happy you said that. Growing up in Nigeria we had 3 maids. One for cooking. One for laundry. And the other one I forgot. Nowadays though unheard it's becoming prohibitive to have maids. Someone had to show me how to use the laundry machine when I was a freshman 😂.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^
This is generally true and I agree with you. However the state of “white” American marriages today is that the husband does the majority of the cooking and all of the cleaning. It’s not that the wives are doing 50% of the domestic work/chores and forcing their men to pick up the slack…it’s that they’re doing very little of it…because after a hard day at work (not disputing that) there isn’t enough energy to cook a meal…and after a hard week of work the weekend is for hanging around in pajamas and binge watching shows while your husband does the yard and cooks nice sat and sun meals…it’s certainly not for dusting and cleaning.

Maybe it’s the pendulum swinging all the way to the other end because our dads and grandpas were selfish jackasses, but that doesn’t make it any fairer to todays “white” husbands.

That’s my assumption of the op…that she’s just another white girl raised by a feminist (who did all the domestic work btw) to believe she shouldn’t have to do this stuff because she has a job. We’ll, the stuff’s still gotta get done.

Pardon my spit take.

The modern term is "hawk tuah", and if you do that enough your husband can be motivated to do more cooking and cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen this dynamic so I don't think OP is a troll. It is exacerbated when the husband was not raised in the US, does not have any sisters and the mother in law lives close by.
Honestly if you do not have children, divorce. He will not change any diapers and is not interested in raising the kid except if it's teaching his son soccer.
Just out of curiosity, do you sometimes go out with friends who are not Hispanic as a couple and he spends most of his time scrolling on his phone?

100% True. I warn American women before marrying non-American men like me. American dads are great. They are fully involved and do as much as the moms. I am Hispanic and married a Hispanic woman. I am not interested in changing diaper, cooking or having a woman talked back to me in public in a disrespectful way.

White woman married to a Hispanic man and I endorse the accuracy of this post. PS he will think it is his right to put you down if you don’t perform to standard.

Wow.

I'm Asian American, and I would never marry a man like that. Neither my DH nor I put each other down or speak disrespectfully to each other in public.

He's British, btw. My parents had ^that old fashioned type of marriage, and it turned me off to marriage for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^
This is generally true and I agree with you. However the state of “white” American marriages today is that the husband does the majority of the cooking and all of the cleaning. It’s not that the wives are doing 50% of the domestic work/chores and forcing their men to pick up the slack…it’s that they’re doing very little of it…because after a hard day at work (not disputing that) there isn’t enough energy to cook a meal…and after a hard week of work the weekend is for hanging around in pajamas and binge watching shows while your husband does the yard and cooks nice sat and sun meals…it’s certainly not for dusting and cleaning.

Maybe it’s the pendulum swinging all the way to the other end because our dads and grandpas were selfish jackasses, but that doesn’t make it any fairer to todays “white” husbands.

That’s my assumption of the op…that she’s just another white girl raised by a feminist (who did all the domestic work btw) to believe she shouldn’t have to do this stuff because she has a job. We’ll, the stuff’s still gotta get done.

Pardon my spit take.

The modern term is "hawk tuah", and if you do that enough your husband can be motivated to do more cooking and cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he think all the white women in America become maids for their husbands? What an ass.

The opposite. Hispanic women cook and clean and don’t require any chores of their husbands (according to him, his mom and his friends). White women nag their men to clean.

I have a Latina colleague who is in her 30s, recently married to a Latino. They also are having issues about these same things. She has been career oriented and has a big job. She is trying to adjust to cooking after work as she expects it of herself but she hates it. Up to this point she was not domestic at all and she is struggling with it. Her mother-in-law has been a problem since they got serious. They were going to counseling before they got married. I live in California and have had many Latina colleagues over the years. The older ones did the second shift or just did not get married because they didn't want to live like this. For younger people, like my newly married friend, I think there will have to be serious cultural change on expectations for women, or there will be a lot of divorces. The expectations are ridiculous!

A large part of the problem is that in their country of origin where this works it’s often because regular people can afford household help to cook and clean. In the US it is prohibitively expensive for a lot of people and couples end up fighting over something that other cultures outsource.

Are the cooks and cleaners also "regular people" who hire cooks and cleaners?

Or are you describing wealth inequality like we have here?