“My friends warned me not to marry a white woman”
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Anonymous
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I’m white, H is Latino. We’ve struggled a LOT with the division of domestic labor and everything defaulting to me. We’ve tried Fair Play a few times without much success, but decided to give it another shot.
We went out for a coffee date a couple weekends ago to talk and divide up the cards. I tried to keep everything light-hearted and fun, and to have open conversations like the book says to. H kept getting more and more visibly irritated with the whole thing, and in the middle of dividing up the cards loudly said in the coffee shop: “my friends warned me not to marry a white woman because they don’t clean!” I shrugged it off and didn’t respond because there were literally tables within 2-3 feet of us that I’m sure heard it. I brought it up later and he did apologize. But the more I sit with it, the more it really bothers me. His mom has talked about how he should be with a woman who stays home and does all the domestic work (which is a moot point, because H can’t afford it on his salary alone). And sometimes H makes offhand comments about white people (like a got into a certain hobby, and his response was “that’s such a white person thing to do”). Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Or should I be concerned over this? |
Anonymous
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I mean, if you were dating we'd advise you to break up - right?
How is your relationship overall? Yes, this sounds concerning! Also trollish. |
Anonymous
Relationship overall has issues. I’ve posted before, often in the ADHD or domestic labor threads. Example, he took the cleaning card but has yet to clean. Doesn’t like having any expectations placed on him. |
Anonymous
| Posters marry people with whom they are not compatible and then come here looking for magic. |
Anonymous
Is there anything but inertia keeping you in this relationship? |
Anonymous
| Just divorce. He will never be happy with you. |
Anonymous
| A lot of poorer people are fine staying poor and are uninterested in living an American modern lifestyle. It sounds like the family and he don't like a wife who works. A lot of military people are the same way. The mom is triangulating the relationship and it will just continue to get worse. I would either stay home and live on one salary and clean or find another guy and let this one go. You will always be at odds and it will be worse with kids. I don't even understand why there needs to be a division of labor issue without kids. How hard is it to take care of two adults? Does he have ambition and a plan to gain monetary status and provide or does he envision a much simpler life in an apartment? What do you want? It's already 2 against one and this mother will continually feed him that there is a better woman out there. She probably wants him home with her and doesn't care if he marries or not. |
Anonymous
Main thing is kids. If we didn’t have them, I’d bail. |
Anonymous
| Just don't have kids with him. Think of him as your starter husband. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like automatic lashing out due to frustration. You're not going to make the best choices and statements when frustrated. The cards thing sounds a bit patronizing though I'm sure you see it as a brilliant solution. You each need to really understand each other more. He needs to understand your views at a deeper level without you rehashing the same gripes, try explaining it another way focused more on your struggles with doing it all while not accusing him. |
Anonymous
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He needs to grow up and reach a higher plane, really. Only individual therapy could help in my opinion.
Good luck, OP. |
Anonymous
You will not change him. Either go with the flow and then make changes together or divorce. Your kids will benefit from you being home. Just choose a cheaper place to live that you can live on one salary. If he still is a jerk and eventually cheats at least your kids will have more money. If you are smart, you will still get a job later in life. Maybe take some classes to keep current. If he wanted you to stay home because of religious reasons or because he worked overseas how would you live your life? Maybe just pretend that there is a better reason for you to stay home than him just wanting a stay at home mom. Many make a wonderful like this way. They are fit, they are close to their kids, and have lots of friends. Set aside a set amount of money for the kids each month for their needs and activities. If he wants more money he can earn it. |
Anonymous
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Why didnt you marry someone with a more compatible outlook?
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Anonymous
| Did he think all the white women in America become maids for their husbands? What an ass. |
Anonymous
| I would not want a parent with such racist and sexist views raising children. |