Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I have ADHD and that's so ineffective. It's a waste of time, gas, and energy. Everybody knows that birthday parties come up when you have kids that age, so why not grab extra gifts when they are on sale in December or for Labor Day? It's much easier to shop your closet. It sounds like OP could better manage things too. Though if she wants to be frustrated it wasn't a Target gift, it's within her right.

Obviously this guy doesn’t plan far enough in advance to order on Amazon. And lol, no, these types of men wouldn’t be buying extra gifts on sale in january wtf.

But, OP didn't do that either. If she had, she could have tasked him with something else and gotten exactly the gift she wanted.

right. weaponized incompetence gets men like this what they want. now in addition to having to pack and get ready to take the other kid out of town for the sports event, OP will also have to order the birthday present and maybe even set up a carpool to ensure the kid even gets there. that’s the direction this story goes - down, down, down. by the end of my marriage my ex literally did zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I have ADHD and that's so ineffective. It's a waste of time, gas, and energy. Everybody knows that birthday parties come up when you have kids that age, so why not grab extra gifts when they are on sale in December or for Labor Day? It's much easier to shop your closet. It sounds like OP could better manage things too. Though if she wants to be frustrated it wasn't a Target gift, it's within her right.

Obviously this guy doesn’t plan far enough in advance to order on Amazon. And lol, no, these types of men wouldn’t be buying extra gifts on sale in january wtf.

But, OP didn't do that either. If she had, she could have tasked him with something else and gotten exactly the gift she wanted.

right. weaponized incompetence gets men like this what they want. now in addition to having to pack and get ready to take the other kid out of town for the sports event, OP will also have to order the birthday present and maybe even set up a carpool to ensure the kid even gets there. that’s the direction this story goes - down, down, down. by the end of my marriage my ex literally did zero.

If you chose to continue being married to someone this severely incompetent then yes, you should probably do all the things that are important to you. Instead of spending time doing things, she wastes both time and mental space complaining about the man she chose to have children with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I have ADHD and that's so ineffective. It's a waste of time, gas, and energy. Everybody knows that birthday parties come up when you have kids that age, so why not grab extra gifts when they are on sale in December or for Labor Day? It's much easier to shop your closet. It sounds like OP could better manage things too. Though if she wants to be frustrated it wasn't a Target gift, it's within her right.

Obviously this guy doesn’t plan far enough in advance to order on Amazon. And lol, no, these types of men wouldn’t be buying extra gifts on sale in january wtf.

But, OP didn't do that either. If she had, she could have tasked him with something else and gotten exactly the gift she wanted.

right. weaponized incompetence gets men like this what they want. now in addition to having to pack and get ready to take the other kid out of town for the sports event, OP will also have to order the birthday present and maybe even set up a carpool to ensure the kid even gets there. that’s the direction this story goes - down, down, down. by the end of my marriage my ex literally did zero.

If you chose to continue being married to someone this severely incompetent then yes, you should probably do all the things that are important to you. Instead of spending time doing things, she wastes both time and mental space complaining about the man she chose to have children with.

It takes a while for the relationship to truly die. And many of us with young kids stick it out because we don’t know if they’ll be cared for during joint custody. I waited it out until my kid was old enough to take care of himself.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have your family do too much. When the most important thing for your kids is a happy marriage, you have your family do too much. Get rid of travel soccer. Begin there.

Love the family you have. Work within the blessings you have been given - not wishing people would magically change into someone else with different strengths and weaknesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Maybe adhd should have disclosed that more and not had kids. Or not gotten married nor had kids.

At least the current kids will be on the lookout for this and avoid it in a partner.

I'm a DW and I did not know I had ADHD until I was in my 40s. I coped just fine until work, kids, and perimenopause made everything go off the rails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mentality is: I never learned how to do it when growing up and now I refuse.

Thank his parents for not doing their job.

Plus they never learned when living independently. Dumped too much of it on roommates, take out, tagging along with friends who were organized but never caring about the steps or process or rationale of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

Right, so this is a problem the husband needs to solve. Yes, it seems Insurmountable to him but I'm guessing he has the tools and knowledge to get it done. He just doesn't want to put in the extra effort.

We all figure out how to do the things we struggle with, ADHD or not. Like I used to tell my toddler, it's hard but you can do it.

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Seriously, did we read a different post at the start of this thread?

The guy DID solve the problem. He figured it out. He accomplished the task. He got it done. Did he do a great job? No. Did he do an adequate job? YES!

OP may be an A+ student and her husband is a C student. But at the end of the day, they both pass the course.

not if he half-*sses it every single time. and most parents aspire for more than a C for their kids.

Incorrect. If one does C caliber work every single time, one receives a C )not an F).

And if one wants to procreate and parent with fellow A+ students, they need to marry one. Not choose a C student and then complain that he doesn’t take academics as seriously as you think he should.

And while we’re on this grading analogy: some students are A+ in high school, when the work is easy and there is a lot of imposed structure in place. Some of these people go on to eventually become C students in University, through a combination of more difficult work (in the marriage analogy, this might be adding kids), and/or the lack of imposed structure (being an adult). The ADHD adult is like the bright student that eventually runs into academic work that is just too difficult. No amount of telling them that they’re lazy or that they should just study harder is going to make them understand material that is beyond their grasp.

Except that studying and being in academia as a student living in an apartment is not the real world like having clients, deadlines, negotiations, a spouse, a property to take care, and kids to raise and parent.

I’d marry street smarts over book smarts anytime. Both is best.

Only book smarts is a f’in disaster IRL- if that’s all you got stay in academia forever. It’s slow paced, it repeats every semester, no decisions to make, most work 15 hour weeks, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

Except that studying and being in academia as a student living in an apartment is not the real world like having clients, deadlines, negotiations, a spouse, a property to take care, and kids to raise and parent.

I’d marry street smarts over book smarts anytime. Both is best.

Only book smarts is a f’in disaster IRL- if that’s all you got stay in academia forever. It’s slow paced, it repeats every semester, no decisions to make, most work 15 hour weeks, etc.

Right, so this is a problem the husband needs to solve. Yes, it seems Insurmountable to him but I'm guessing he has the tools and knowledge to get it done. He just doesn't want to put in the extra effort.

We all figure out how to do the things we struggle with, ADHD or not. Like I used to tell my toddler, it's hard but you can do it.

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Seriously, did we read a different post at the start of this thread?

The guy DID solve the problem. He figured it out. He accomplished the task. He got it done. Did he do a great job? No. Did he do an adequate job? YES!

OP may be an A+ student and her husband is a C student. But at the end of the day, they both pass the course.

not if he half-*sses it every single time. and most parents aspire for more than a C for their kids.

Incorrect. If one does C caliber work every single time, one receives a C )not an F).

And if one wants to procreate and parent with fellow A+ students, they need to marry one. Not choose a C student and then complain that he doesn’t take academics as seriously as you think he should.

And while we’re on this grading analogy: some students are A+ in high school, when the work is easy and there is a lot of imposed structure in place. Some of these people go on to eventually become C students in University, through a combination of more difficult work (in the marriage analogy, this might be adding kids), and/or the lack of imposed structure (being an adult). The ADHD adult is like the bright student that eventually runs into academic work that is just too difficult. No amount of telling them that they’re lazy or that they should just study harder is going to make them understand material that is beyond their grasp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

I recently started reading r/psychiatry (the reddit forum for psychiatrists.) people seeking out spurious ASHD and ASD diagnoses is a THING. as is people armchair diagnosising their relatives.

I’m sorry to say that the problem with men like OP’s husband is that they are exceedingly lazy and do not care that their wives pick up the slack. Let that sink in: they don’t care that their wife is doing all the work. They just don’t.

I got rid of my lazy, user DH. Guess what- he’s now actually doing some of the work he pushed onto me for a decade. Trash person.

I guess you missed the part where OP said he has an ADHD diagnosis and is on medication.

Does it even matter?

Divorce the fool. Dx or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I have ADHD and that's so ineffective. It's a waste of time, gas, and energy. Everybody knows that birthday parties come up when you have kids that age, so why not grab extra gifts when they are on sale in December or for Labor Day? It's much easier to shop your closet. It sounds like OP could better manage things too. Though if she wants to be frustrated it wasn't a Target gift, it's within her right.

Obviously this guy doesn’t plan far enough in advance to order on Amazon. And lol, no, these types of men wouldn’t be buying extra gifts on sale in january wtf.

I found that funny too. A DAD going through Target thinking if something other than himself, saying “Hmm, I should pick up a few bday presents for 7 yo to be ready for all of Billy’s bday parties likely to come up!”

Yeah, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I have ADHD and that's so ineffective. It's a waste of time, gas, and energy. Everybody knows that birthday parties come up when you have kids that age, so why not grab extra gifts when they are on sale in December or for Labor Day? It's much easier to shop your closet. It sounds like OP could better manage things too. Though if she wants to be frustrated it wasn't a Target gift, it's within her right.

Obviously this guy doesn’t plan far enough in advance to order on Amazon. And lol, no, these types of men wouldn’t be buying extra gifts on sale in january wtf.

But, OP didn't do that either. If she had, she could have tasked him with something else and gotten exactly the gift she wanted.

Se was busy doing 99% of the other 50 things needed for the family. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I have ADHD and that's so ineffective. It's a waste of time, gas, and energy. Everybody knows that birthday parties come up when you have kids that age, so why not grab extra gifts when they are on sale in December or for Labor Day? It's much easier to shop your closet. It sounds like OP could better manage things too. Though if she wants to be frustrated it wasn't a Target gift, it's within her right.

Obviously this guy doesn’t plan far enough in advance to order on Amazon. And lol, no, these types of men wouldn’t be buying extra gifts on sale in january wtf.

But, OP didn't do that either. If she had, she could have tasked him with something else and gotten exactly the gift she wanted.

right. weaponized incompetence gets men like this what they want. now in addition to having to pack and get ready to take the other kid out of town for the sports event, OP will also have to order the birthday present and maybe even set up a carpool to ensure the kid even gets there. that’s the direction this story goes - down, down, down. by the end of my marriage my ex literally did zero.

Good point. Prop him up more by planing every week out for him the week before. Only takes a few more man hours and then what? Maybe he increases his Adult Success Rate from 10% to 20%?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I have ADHD and that's so ineffective. It's a waste of time, gas, and energy. Everybody knows that birthday parties come up when you have kids that age, so why not grab extra gifts when they are on sale in December or for Labor Day? It's much easier to shop your closet. It sounds like OP could better manage things too. Though if she wants to be frustrated it wasn't a Target gift, it's within her right.

Obviously this guy doesn’t plan far enough in advance to order on Amazon. And lol, no, these types of men wouldn’t be buying extra gifts on sale in january wtf.

But, OP didn't do that either. If she had, she could have tasked him with something else and gotten exactly the gift she wanted.

right. weaponized incompetence gets men like this what they want. now in addition to having to pack and get ready to take the other kid out of town for the sports event, OP will also have to order the birthday present and maybe even set up a carpool to ensure the kid even gets there. that’s the direction this story goes - down, down, down. by the end of my marriage my ex literally did zero.

If you chose to continue being married to someone this severely incompetent then yes, you should probably do all the things that are important to you. Instead of spending time doing things, she wastes both time and mental space complaining about the man she chose to have children with.

Aaaaannnnd Doofus Dad for the win!

Off the hook forever!

Gets to keep the image and reputation of Successful Married Family Man.

Bingo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I have ADHD and that's so ineffective. It's a waste of time, gas, and energy. Everybody knows that birthday parties come up when you have kids that age, so why not grab extra gifts when they are on sale in December or for Labor Day? It's much easier to shop your closet. It sounds like OP could better manage things too. Though if she wants to be frustrated it wasn't a Target gift, it's within her right.

Obviously this guy doesn’t plan far enough in advance to order on Amazon. And lol, no, these types of men wouldn’t be buying extra gifts on sale in january wtf.

But, OP didn't do that either. If she had, she could have tasked him with something else and gotten exactly the gift she wanted.

right. weaponized incompetence gets men like this what they want. now in addition to having to pack and get ready to take the other kid out of town for the sports event, OP will also have to order the birthday present and maybe even set up a carpool to ensure the kid even gets there. that’s the direction this story goes - down, down, down. by the end of my marriage my ex literally did zero.

If you chose to continue being married to someone this severely incompetent then yes, you should probably do all the things that are important to you. Instead of spending time doing things, she wastes both time and mental space complaining about the man she chose to have children with.

Aaaaannnnd Doofus Dad for the win!

Off the hook forever!

Gets to keep the image and reputation of Successful Married Family Man.

Bingo!

I’m sorry that the women who know have no agency in their lives. He only gets to keep the reputation if you stayed married to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

What % of Americans have ADHD? What about the rest of the world?