Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

They don’t. ADHD is really just that people were never taught executive functioning skills as children. Especially boys, who generally are held to much lower standards than girls and observed that their own fathers never did anything around the house.

Sure, and you menstrual craps are all in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

Right, so this is a problem the husband needs to solve. Yes, it seems Insurmountable to him but I'm guessing he has the tools and knowledge to get it done. He just doesn't want to put in the extra effort.

We all figure out how to do the things we struggle with, ADHD or not. Like I used to tell my toddler, it's hard but you can do it.

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Seriously, did we read a different post at the start of this thread?

The guy DID solve the problem. He figured it out. He accomplished the task. He got it done. Did he do a great job? No. Did he do an adequate job? YES!

OP may be an A+ student and her husband is a C student. But at the end of the day, they both pass the course.

not if he half-*sses it every single time. and most parents aspire for more than a C for their kids.

Incorrect. If one does C caliber work every single time, one receives a C )not an F).

And if one wants to procreate and parent with fellow A+ students, they need to marry one. Not choose a C student and then complain that he doesn’t take academics as seriously as you think he should.

And while we’re on this grading analogy: some students are A+ in high school, when the work is easy and there is a lot of imposed structure in place. Some of these people go on to eventually become C students in University, through a combination of more difficult work (in the marriage analogy, this might be adding kids), and/or the lack of imposed structure (being an adult). The ADHD adult is like the bright student that eventually runs into academic work that is just too difficult. No amount of telling them that they’re lazy or that they should just study harder is going to make them understand material that is beyond their grasp.

Sorry but no. An A student in high school can absolutely raise his average in college with diligence and smart choices. It's fine not to major in the hardest subject just like it's fine not to make parenting as hard as possible for yourself -- you can absolutely have a "good enough" approach and aim a little lower. But that doesn't mean turning in C work. It means figuring out what DOES matter to you and aiming for a B+. Asking for help when you need it and being willing to bad at it for a bit until you get better.

This self-defeatist attitude of "nope I just figured out being a parent is too hard for me so I don't even try" is not acceptable. Your children rely on you. You will never be a perfect parent but you can be a good enough parent. Not if you don't make that your goal though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

I recently started reading r/psychiatry (the reddit forum for psychiatrists.) people seeking out spurious ASHD and ASD diagnoses is a THING. as is people armchair diagnosising their relatives.

I’m sorry to say that the problem with men like OP’s husband is that they are exceedingly lazy and do not care that their wives pick up the slack. Let that sink in: they don’t care that their wife is doing all the work. They just don’t.

I got rid of my lazy, user DH. Guess what- he’s now actually doing some of the work he pushed onto me for a decade. Trash person.

I guess you missed the part where OP said he has an ADHD diagnosis and is on medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Creating a framework”— yeah, it’s called making a list.
How come these guys seem to remember when the big game is on TV? Most men today get married later. They haven’t gone from their parent’s home to their married couple home. How did they manage to go to work and pay bills too?

You clearly haven't had to learn about ADHD; otherwise, you would know the answer to this question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

They don’t. ADHD is really just that people were never taught executive functioning skills as children. Especially boys, who generally are held to much lower standards than girls and observed that their own fathers never did anything around the house.

op - not so. adhd is real. one dc has it, dh has it, and i have it. but it's a catch all term for a variety of different issues really.
The problem is that even if you have adhd, you still have to establish a framework for operating in the world such that you CAN deliver on basic things. You may not be able to executive function at the highest levels, but you can - given medication and effort - set your life up in a such a way that you are meeting expectations of adulthood. I see it every day with people on my team. My variety of adhd means I cannot pay attention for a whole meeting so I need to work harder after hours to make up for that and read notes, recaps etc. you cant just throw your hands up.

Why dont you just choose then to not let it affect you? What are you getting out of not focusing for the whole meeting? Weaponized incompetence? Can someone explain the mentality of not focusing for a whole meeting? As an adult, that is a basic work task. Just do it. Just focus for the whole meeting. Stop using your adhd as an excuse. Look at others on this thread who say they have ADHD and never let it affect any aspect of their lives. You could too if you just tried and wanted to.

I sincerely hope this is satire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

Medicine might not solve all the issues. I have ADHD yet had to figure out how to stay organized.

I use task lists, time blocking, Trello (using a kan ban system to see upcoming needs, current projects, and things accomplished, etc.

I've also learned to get more dopamine from checking things off a list, spending time in cold pools, and exercising. My take is that I will do what's needed to increase dopamine on my own.

Diet can help the body create more of the right neurotransmitters. Several nutrients are precursors to neurotransmitter creation in the human body. So, it's important to eat healthy and get enough protein.

Medicine is good for some stuff, but it doesn't teach you how to be organized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

What gave you that impression? The people complaining about people who have it don't have it. The people asking for advice because they are blindsided by a kid who has it don't have it.

But a lot of people have experience with someone who has it, diagnosed or not. ~12% of children and ~4% of adults have an actual diagnosis; the number of people who never pursue a diagnosis and simply fail to function adequatley is estimated to bring the total closer to 20% of the population. That makes it highly likely that most people have lived with or worked with someone who has it and can talk about ADHD.

overdiagnosis of these conditions is rampant.

Judging from these boards, it is underdiagnosed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I just don't get the mentality. Is it an assumption that I'll just do it? Or weaponized incompetence or like - what is benefit to dh of being like this? I do not understand."

You know he has it and takes meds. Yet you choose not to understand. By understand I don't mean tolerate. It is frustrating and spouses frequently insist that their ADHD family members work harder at EF and establish better safety rails for themselves so they make fewer administrative mistakes. You are right to do that.

But to assume he bears ill will or is being "intentional" in his mistakes goes beyond not understanding how he is impacted by his disability. You are looking for a character flaw that you can weaponize so you don't feel bad dumping him for having a disability.

It isn't 'intentional' -- ironically, following through on intentions is literally the hard part. There is no benefit to him. The toll these administrative mistake stake on a person with ADHD is harsh and real. To cope, some people have to learn to recognize that the consequences aren't dire and learn to roll with it. If it is dire to you, that too can be very frustrating, because it seems he doesn't care, but the alternative for him is depression and crippling anxiety.

The PPs are right that he needs to focus on creating better EF supports for himself at home so he can pull his weight. He can pull his weight, and needs to do the work to get there. You can point out to him that he has failed to work on EF supports at home.

or she can just divorce him.

if you are so disabled you cannot handle adult life, do not get married.

Nice. Disabled people should just give up on life. What a messed up attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

+1 I also have ADHD and even though I don't always succeeding in managing things I understand it is my job as an adult and parent. It would certainly be nice to dump all my life admin on my spouse and just assume I don't have to do anything but I also understand that I can't do that. I would not be able to respect myself and I could not do that to my partner.

What are you talking about? Her husband did complete the task - he didn’t dump anything on OP. His kid got to the party, the birthday kid got a cash gift.

That's one task-- OP says he does almost nothing unless she reminds him a million times and gives him lots of guidance. She had to cajole him into taking their son to the party and then remind him multiple times about the gift. And if he wanted to give cash he could have told OP the first time "I have already figured the gift out-- were just going to do a card with some cash." Instead he let her remind him over and over while he did nothing. The fact that he was able to figure something out last minute is good but doesn't change a dynamic where he relies on OP to figure everything out and then ask him to "help "

He “let her remind him over and over?” I think some of you are so in the
Habit of managing your spouses, you cannot even see when the problem is yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I’m a woman with great executive function. There is no way I would be showing up on the day of the party at Target. Talk about self inflicted stress. Your kid is 8, the internet exists, people with ADHD should consulting their calendars more than the average person. Order the present on Sunday with the kid attending the party. 10 minutes. You are not teaching that kid any skills either.l if you don’t let him
Lead picking the present.


It feels like some of you get a thrill with your household chaos. You keep complaining about it but don’t tame it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

Right, so this is a problem the husband needs to solve. Yes, it seems Insurmountable to him but I'm guessing he has the tools and knowledge to get it done. He just doesn't want to put in the extra effort.

We all figure out how to do the things we struggle with, ADHD or not. Like I used to tell my toddler, it's hard but you can do it.

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Seriously, did we read a different post at the start of this thread?

The guy DID solve the problem. He figured it out. He accomplished the task. He got it done. Did he do a great job? No. Did he do an adequate job? YES!

OP may be an A+ student and her husband is a C student. But at the end of the day, they both pass the course.

not if he half-*sses it every single time. and most parents aspire for more than a C for their kids.

Incorrect. If one does C caliber work every single time, one receives a C )not an F).

And if one wants to procreate and parent with fellow A+ students, they need to marry one. Not choose a C student and then complain that he doesn’t take academics as seriously as you think he should.

And while we’re on this grading analogy: some students are A+ in high school, when the work is easy and there is a lot of imposed structure in place. Some of these people go on to eventually become C students in University, through a combination of more difficult work (in the marriage analogy, this might be adding kids), and/or the lack of imposed structure (being an adult). The ADHD adult is like the bright student that eventually runs into academic work that is just too difficult. No amount of telling them that they’re lazy or that they should just study harder is going to make them understand material that is beyond their grasp.

boy, men sure are helpless!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I just don't get the mentality. Is it an assumption that I'll just do it? Or weaponized incompetence or like - what is benefit to dh of being like this? I do not understand."

You know he has it and takes meds. Yet you choose not to understand. By understand I don't mean tolerate. It is frustrating and spouses frequently insist that their ADHD family members work harder at EF and establish better safety rails for themselves so they make fewer administrative mistakes. You are right to do that.

But to assume he bears ill will or is being "intentional" in his mistakes goes beyond not understanding how he is impacted by his disability. You are looking for a character flaw that you can weaponize so you don't feel bad dumping him for having a disability.

It isn't 'intentional' -- ironically, following through on intentions is literally the hard part. There is no benefit to him. The toll these administrative mistake stake on a person with ADHD is harsh and real. To cope, some people have to learn to recognize that the consequences aren't dire and learn to roll with it. If it is dire to you, that too can be very frustrating, because it seems he doesn't care, but the alternative for him is depression and crippling anxiety.

The PPs are right that he needs to focus on creating better EF supports for himself at home so he can pull his weight. He can pull his weight, and needs to do the work to get there. You can point out to him that he has failed to work on EF supports at home.

or she can just divorce him.

if you are so disabled you cannot handle adult life, do not get married.

Nice. Disabled people should just give up on life. What a messed up attitude.

you can’t have it both ways - so disabled that you can’t be minimally accountable as a parent; and also expect to have a successful marriage with kids. If you are that disabled that you don’t have the “spoons”, or whatever stupid metaphor you use, to be minimally responsible for anything other than yourself, do not get married and do not have kids.

if for some reason your disability wasn’t known (wow, late onset adult adhd!) then you need to at least acknowledge it, be grateful to your spouse, and not be aggressive about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I have ADHD and that's so ineffective. It's a waste of time, gas, and energy. Everybody knows that birthday parties come up when you have kids that age, so why not grab extra gifts when they are on sale in December or for Labor Day? It's much easier to shop your closet. It sounds like OP could better manage things too. Though if she wants to be frustrated it wasn't a Target gift, it's within her right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I have ADHD and that's so ineffective. It's a waste of time, gas, and energy. Everybody knows that birthday parties come up when you have kids that age, so why not grab extra gifts when they are on sale in December or for Labor Day? It's much easier to shop your closet. It sounds like OP could better manage things too. Though if she wants to be frustrated it wasn't a Target gift, it's within her right.

Obviously this guy doesn’t plan far enough in advance to order on Amazon. And lol, no, these types of men wouldn’t be buying extra gifts on sale in january wtf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

I have ADHD and that's so ineffective. It's a waste of time, gas, and energy. Everybody knows that birthday parties come up when you have kids that age, so why not grab extra gifts when they are on sale in December or for Labor Day? It's much easier to shop your closet. It sounds like OP could better manage things too. Though if she wants to be frustrated it wasn't a Target gift, it's within her right.

Obviously this guy doesn’t plan far enough in advance to order on Amazon. And lol, no, these types of men wouldn’t be buying extra gifts on sale in january wtf.

But, OP didn't do that either. If she had, she could have tasked him with something else and gotten exactly the gift she wanted.