Wife’s routine spending - what is normal?

[Anonymous]

Does she have regular childcare? How does she even have time to do all of this with two little kids with her all of the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The elephant in the room that no one wants to mention is that she stopped working. American families really need two incomes now. I would find childcare for your kids and have her start looking for work. The stress of having a two parent working household pales in comparison to the stresses of tight finances. Everyone will
Be happier in the long run if she works and she can enjoy her extras.

This is a good point. OP, how did you both decide she should stop working?

Let me guess—she made less than the daycare expenses and you thought it made more sense for her to stay home? Did she have career ambitions?

[Anonymous]

A little too much concentration on doing things that cost. I also wonder where she find the time.
There is a problem because you noticed it and it bothers you. Not sure why she doesn't want to save and invest some of it. It can be just as exciting than spending.

[Anonymous]

Op have a larger conversation about life and financial goals. Address whether she wants to return to work or stay home. If she’s going back soon drop it. If not then bring this up in context of your shared goals.

Fwiw I think the spending is normal but not necessarily reasonable at your current income level and at her current age and lifestyle (you don’t need new perfect nails or new clothes if you are not working out of the home). I will say that as I approached 50 I spent a lot more than I even thought I would on looking good. Dh thinks I’m just naturally young looking but I spend 2-3k year on laser treatments for rosacea and Botox 3-4 x year. I don’t spend a lot on clothing, skin products, and never on “luxury” goods but between hair and skin…ouch. But I also have a forward facing job working with wealthy people and I’m convinced that how I look (put together , slender, etc) gets factored into success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If her appearance is a priority to you, you can't begrudge what she spends on it. I'd never spend that much but I have grey hair I cut myself, I cut my own fingernails and toenails, and I spend nothing on makeup. I spend $150/month on moisturizer/skin care because I have super sensitive skin. I wear comfy clothes and I'm always casually dressed. I am overweight and don't make time for exercise.

If you want your wife to keep prioritizing her appearance, you can't begrudge her that investment. And shoot, $100/month for her to occasionally buy a food treat for herself is nothing!

And. You probably look like crap which men will divorce so keep up your appearance or be single but it's an investment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saving for retirement and have some easily accessible emergency savings for an unexpected expense? If so I would not worry about the financial situation right now. Most people with young kids are, not exactly living “paycheck to paycheck” but also not exactly building up a huge emergency fund and savings for a down payment on a new home. That goes if you have two working parents and day care/nanny expenses, or one parent and a SAHP and thus lesser income. Again is it worth her happiness to send her to a rec center gym and cut off her clothes spending to a few trips to Walmart each year to bank an extra $750 savings at the end of the year, I don’t think it is.

This was pretty much the attitude of all my friends who at 50 still have terrible savings and retirement feels like a pipe dream (even with excellent jobs). It's not like costs go down. It's just that the early baby costs get replaced by other equally (or more) expensive stuff as the kids get older. Botox, hair dye, cars for the teens, tutors, expensive extracurriculars, vacations for 4 instead of 2, etc. And sure, people are going to respond and say they don't have these expenses for their teens. But anyone who is spending on OPs budget on a HHI of $250k at OP's is exactly the type of person is spending on all these other things 10 years later. You think OP's wife, with her twice-a-year $1000 purse and $200/month gym membership is going to share a room with her family of four at the best western for vacations in 10 years?

In the mean time, those of us (and there are plenty) who lived frugally when kids were born (and had good jobs) are all looking at retirement by 55 if we want.

Most people don’t want to penny pinch their whole lives and retire at 55 or whatever. And then penny pinch for 25+ more years in retirement. You and the other terminally online cheapos are in the minority nationally on this.

If there were a bunch of seniors out there saying they are so glad they spent as they did in their younger years and pushed off retirement, you’d have a point. But I don’t see that going on anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If her appearance is a priority to you, you can't begrudge what she spends on it. I'd never spend that much but I have grey hair I cut myself, I cut my own fingernails and toenails, and I spend nothing on makeup. I spend $150/month on moisturizer/skin care because I have super sensitive skin. I wear comfy clothes and I'm always casually dressed. I am overweight and don't make time for exercise.

If you want your wife to keep prioritizing her appearance, you can't begrudge her that investment. And shoot, $100/month for her to occasionally buy a food treat for herself is nothing!

And. You probably look like crap which men will divorce so keep up your appearance or be single but it's an investment

There is so much black and white thinking. It’s not spend $12K per year on this stuff or being ugly and out of shape. I’m confident OP’s wife can trim easily and still look pretty much the same.

[Anonymous]

$200 is high for a gym, but if she goes regularly and they provide child care while she works out it may be worth it. My gym is $20 a month but I would have to hire a baby sitter every time I went so that would add up to more than $200.

My pedicures last at least a month, so she could possibly spread that out.

The skin care is high, in my opinion. There are less expensive options. Same for clothes.

Hair is normal, and could be more.

[Anonymous]

$50 -100 on coffee/lunches is a tad high. Get a Nespresso. Though I suspect this is more a mental health expenditure than actually about the food. She wants to get out of the house? Visit friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saving for retirement and have some easily accessible emergency savings for an unexpected expense? If so I would not worry about the financial situation right now. Most people with young kids are, not exactly living “paycheck to paycheck” but also not exactly building up a huge emergency fund and savings for a down payment on a new home. That goes if you have two working parents and day care/nanny expenses, or one parent and a SAHP and thus lesser income. Again is it worth her happiness to send her to a rec center gym and cut off her clothes spending to a few trips to Walmart each year to bank an extra $750 savings at the end of the year, I don’t think it is.

This was pretty much the attitude of all my friends who at 50 still have terrible savings and retirement feels like a pipe dream (even with excellent jobs). It's not like costs go down. It's just that the early baby costs get replaced by other equally (or more) expensive stuff as the kids get older. Botox, hair dye, cars for the teens, tutors, expensive extracurriculars, vacations for 4 instead of 2, etc. And sure, people are going to respond and say they don't have these expenses for their teens. But anyone who is spending on OPs budget on a HHI of $250k at OP's is exactly the type of person is spending on all these other things 10 years later. You think OP's wife, with her twice-a-year $1000 purse and $200/month gym membership is going to share a room with her family of four at the best western for vacations in 10 years?

In the mean time, those of us (and there are plenty) who lived frugally when kids were born (and had good jobs) are all looking at retirement by 55 if we want.

Most people don’t want to penny pinch their whole lives and retire at 55 or whatever. And then penny pinch for 25+ more years in retirement. You and the other terminally online cheapos are in the minority nationally on this.

If there were a bunch of seniors out there saying they are so glad they spent as they did in their younger years and pushed off retirement, you’d have a point. But I don’t see that going on anywhere.

Big difference between seniors retiring at 65+ and people trying to retire in their mid 50s or earlier. Big, big difference.

Also- OP and his wife are presumably millennials, likely born in the late 80s, if they have 2 young children. The life experience between millennials and yourself - seemingly an older Gen X if not even a younger Boomer - can’t even be compared. They are spending far more than you ever did on their mortgage, car payments, student loans, thanks to the skyrocketing costs of housing and college. Those are the big expense categories- not “$100/month on takeout.” And if he wants his wife to be cheap now and cut back her spending, he’s not going to like when she goes back to work and is spending on all the exact same stuff + day care + transportation and more takeout lunches + a cleaning service + a professional wardrobe.

[Anonymous]

It’s not about any single one of these budget items. It’s the combination of that make this unsustainable. It shows a lack of prioritization and awareness, and if you all don’t get that in check now, it’s going to be a much bigger problem once your kids get older.

[Anonymous]

This seems like just about the worst way for a married couple to make a budget. Looking at each person’s individual spending on themselves and then shaming them for it. I can’t imagine how this conversation went.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saving for retirement and have some easily accessible emergency savings for an unexpected expense? If so I would not worry about the financial situation right now. Most people with young kids are, not exactly living “paycheck to paycheck” but also not exactly building up a huge emergency fund and savings for a down payment on a new home. That goes if you have two working parents and day care/nanny expenses, or one parent and a SAHP and thus lesser income. Again is it worth her happiness to send her to a rec center gym and cut off her clothes spending to a few trips to Walmart each year to bank an extra $750 savings at the end of the year, I don’t think it is.

This was pretty much the attitude of all my friends who at 50 still have terrible savings and retirement feels like a pipe dream (even with excellent jobs). It's not like costs go down. It's just that the early baby costs get replaced by other equally (or more) expensive stuff as the kids get older. Botox, hair dye, cars for the teens, tutors, expensive extracurriculars, vacations for 4 instead of 2, etc. And sure, people are going to respond and say they don't have these expenses for their teens. But anyone who is spending on OPs budget on a HHI of $250k at OP's is exactly the type of person is spending on all these other things 10 years later. You think OP's wife, with her twice-a-year $1000 purse and $200/month gym membership is going to share a room with her family of four at the best western for vacations in 10 years?

In the mean time, those of us (and there are plenty) who lived frugally when kids were born (and had good jobs) are all looking at retirement by 55 if we want.

Most people don’t want to penny pinch their whole lives and retire at 55 or whatever. And then penny pinch for 25+ more years in retirement. You and the other terminally online cheapos are in the minority nationally on this.

If there were a bunch of seniors out there saying they are so glad they spent as they did in their younger years and pushed off retirement, you’d have a point. But I don’t see that going on anywhere.

Big difference between seniors retiring at 65+ and people trying to retire in their mid 50s or earlier. Big, big difference.

Also- OP and his wife are presumably millennials, likely born in the late 80s, if they have 2 young children. The life experience between millennials and yourself - seemingly an older Gen X if not even a younger Boomer - can’t even be compared. They are spending far more than you ever did on their mortgage, car payments, student loans, thanks to the skyrocketing costs of housing and college. Those are the big expense categories- not “$100/month on takeout.” And if he wants his wife to be cheap now and cut back her spending, he’s not going to like when she goes back to work and is spending on all the exact same stuff + day care + transportation and more takeout lunches + a cleaning service + a professional wardrobe.

You realize that everything you wrote counsels to not spending this much on beauty maintenance, right, it doesn’t excuse it? Per OP, she is spending more on many items now than when she was working. If you cannot see the fallacy with your thinking (what does this small expenditure matter when I have big student loans), then I don’t know what to say besides, life down the road will be tighter than you could have made it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saving for retirement and have some easily accessible emergency savings for an unexpected expense? If so I would not worry about the financial situation right now. Most people with young kids are, not exactly living “paycheck to paycheck” but also not exactly building up a huge emergency fund and savings for a down payment on a new home. That goes if you have two working parents and day care/nanny expenses, or one parent and a SAHP and thus lesser income. Again is it worth her happiness to send her to a rec center gym and cut off her clothes spending to a few trips to Walmart each year to bank an extra $750 savings at the end of the year, I don’t think it is.

This was pretty much the attitude of all my friends who at 50 still have terrible savings and retirement feels like a pipe dream (even with excellent jobs). It's not like costs go down. It's just that the early baby costs get replaced by other equally (or more) expensive stuff as the kids get older. Botox, hair dye, cars for the teens, tutors, expensive extracurriculars, vacations for 4 instead of 2, etc. And sure, people are going to respond and say they don't have these expenses for their teens. But anyone who is spending on OPs budget on a HHI of $250k at OP's is exactly the type of person is spending on all these other things 10 years later. You think OP's wife, with her twice-a-year $1000 purse and $200/month gym membership is going to share a room with her family of four at the best western for vacations in 10 years?

In the mean time, those of us (and there are plenty) who lived frugally when kids were born (and had good jobs) are all looking at retirement by 55 if we want.

Most people don’t want to penny pinch their whole lives and retire at 55 or whatever. And then penny pinch for 25+ more years in retirement. You and the other terminally online cheapos are in the minority nationally on this.

Nobody's penny pinching. We're just not throwing away money like OP's wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saving for retirement and have some easily accessible emergency savings for an unexpected expense? If so I would not worry about the financial situation right now. Most people with young kids are, not exactly living “paycheck to paycheck” but also not exactly building up a huge emergency fund and savings for a down payment on a new home. That goes if you have two working parents and day care/nanny expenses, or one parent and a SAHP and thus lesser income. Again is it worth her happiness to send her to a rec center gym and cut off her clothes spending to a few trips to Walmart each year to bank an extra $750 savings at the end of the year, I don’t think it is.

This was pretty much the attitude of all my friends who at 50 still have terrible savings and retirement feels like a pipe dream (even with excellent jobs). It's not like costs go down. It's just that the early baby costs get replaced by other equally (or more) expensive stuff as the kids get older. Botox, hair dye, cars for the teens, tutors, expensive extracurriculars, vacations for 4 instead of 2, etc. And sure, people are going to respond and say they don't have these expenses for their teens. But anyone who is spending on OPs budget on a HHI of $250k at OP's is exactly the type of person is spending on all these other things 10 years later. You think OP's wife, with her twice-a-year $1000 purse and $200/month gym membership is going to share a room with her family of four at the best western for vacations in 10 years?

In the mean time, those of us (and there are plenty) who lived frugally when kids were born (and had good jobs) are all looking at retirement by 55 if we want.

It's ok for people to have different priorities.