Being a working parent sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our income is 225/150 from DH/DW respectively. We don't have any outside help because DW owns her own company and works 20hrs a week. All during school hours or if she has to run errands in the daytime she works after the kids is asleep. We have a 6 yo, she does pick up and drop off and driving to sports.

Hats off to you parents who juggle so much. Our delicate balance would be thrown off track if we had more than one or if DW had a "real job" ‐‐ not to minimize her education or professional sucess, you know what i mean

What kind of career earns $150k PT? Is she some kind of lawyer, like an estate lawyer or something.

[Anonymous]

40 something millennial here with 2 kids - dealt with infant/toddler thing pre COVID when there was no WFH with no help from parents. There are entitled people from every generation.

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Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who is really looking forward to taking care of grandkids? I wasn't able to be a SAHM, but I really want to help my own kids. I love babies and toddlers. I'm not sure why more grandparents aren't interested in their grandkids.

My parents live on the same street as me and want to be helpful, but they're unreliable. "Oh we're going to visit your brother for a month, surely you can take care of the kids then?" Umm no. I can't stop and start aftercare/daycare at a whim. Then my parents are upset that their grandkids are having all this fun with the nanny instead of them. I can't win.

Ask your parents to pay for the nanny. Then it won't matter if they take the kids when they want or leave when the want, because they are always making sure care is available.

The level of entitlement that Millennial parents have is truly mind boggling!

Signed, 40-something Gen-Xer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who is really looking forward to taking care of grandkids? I wasn't able to be a SAHM, but I really want to help my own kids. I love babies and toddlers. I'm not sure why more grandparents aren't interested in their grandkids.

My parents live on the same street as me and want to be helpful, but they're unreliable. "Oh we're going to visit your brother for a month, surely you can take care of the kids then?" Umm no. I can't stop and start aftercare/daycare at a whim. Then my parents are upset that their grandkids are having all this fun with the nanny instead of them. I can't win.

Ask your parents to pay for the nanny. Then it won't matter if they take the kids when they want or leave when the want, because they are always making sure care is available.

The level of entitlement that Millennial parents have is truly mind boggling!

Signed, 40-something Gen-Xer

+1. Also a 40-something Gen-Xer. I have already told my daughters (9 and 12) that when they have kids, I will not be the nanny. I wll be in my late 60s or 70s most likely. I am too old for this already (not my plan to have kids at all) and when I retire, I want to enjoy my life. I have been working like a dog since I was 16. I'm done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it sucks. This is why I did not want kids OR I wanted to work. I did not want to work full time and raise kids.

My exH agreed no kids before marriage. I said I was not doing this. He was not willing to have a SAHM even for a year.

He forced a pregnancy on me.

I knew 20 years ago that being a working mom absolutely sucks. I think people are only really talking about it now.

Forced a pregnancy on you? Was this pre 1960 ?

Heard of marital rape? I was off the pill for two days. I said I did not want a baby even that day--and we had an agreement. This was the 21st century. And newsflash: 50 percent of births are still unplanned. Birth control is only 90 percent effective with typical use. Second time was once more years later. Never again.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t know that kids are better off or happier not having to go to aftercare or staying until closing. Avoiding that never entered my decision making, which,’along with sharing the drop off and pick up load, led to both of us being able to have the careers we wanted.

???

Shouldn’t you know if your OWN kids are better off or happier avoiding aftercare? I won’t speak for everyone’s children, but mine absolutely HATED aftercare and it stressed them out horribly.

PP to whom You are responding. My kids loved aftercare and camp. Their aftercare took care of all homework so when they got home our evenings weren’t filled with a to do list. They taught my kids to sew and all kinds of other things. Plus my kids got to play with their friends. They had plenty of time to play with each other outside of those hours. They fed my kids a ln early dinner though they’d eat again at home. They also did camp on school days off so I never scrambled for care on teacher work days. And they did a summer camp so when they were little and didn’t like a lot of change, they could just stay in their regular childcare. It was a good gig. Went from age 3 to 13.

Taught to sew and fed dinner? Where is this mythical place?

+1 where was this??

Silver Spring.

So a private company?

Isn't most aftercare private?

NP no. Most aftercare is ran through the county out of the public schools. It's very similar to lord of the flies. About 100 K-5 mixed together with only 2 teachers. Kids running everywhere, bullying, the 5th graders were teaching the K about sexual things. It was awful and I got my kids out as soon as I realized. Ours is free for low income kids, so it's heavily used, overcrowded and the county doesn't fund it enough. My kids went to daycare and it was nothing like this at all. Complete chaos.

It is RUN through the county.
You can’t expect everyone to run their lives based on your poor daycare experience. Most people can have the expectation that they will have access through searching to some good options

NP. Most people can't uproot their lives for aftercare. We live in a "good" neighborhood with a "good" school but my kids also hate aftercare with a passion. It was causing my 2nd grader complete meltdowns. I can't move and pull my kids out of the school they love because aftercare sucks. There are no other options that wouldn't require me to pick my kids up and deliver them to aftercare somewhere else which I could not do with my job. This is one of many reason I am still working part-time only.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We have a 4.5 year-old and a baby just over 1. Baby in full day daycare and the older one has done DCPS PreK + aftercare for the past two years which he loved. Now in summer camp + aftercare, though he deeply misses all his school friends (who scatter to the wind during the summer).

Two kids is wild. One of us is home by 545 with the kids, dinner, play, bath time, etc. Our oldest kid won't go to bed at 715pm anymore and is stretching out bed time + longer daylight hours. We don't get a free moment until 9pm; it's killing us. Have a long list of babysitters and we rotate through them, it's been nice to get out of the house in the evening once the baby is down for the night.

Strongly considering an au pair. We can afford it ($250K x 2 jobs). Would be super helpful for getting kids ready in the AM, picking up our oldest kid from school/camp, packing the lunch box, etc.

Get a real nanny. At your income you can afford it and sounds like you really need the help

Why get a "real nanny"? I'd need to hire a top-notch nanny for her to cover everything my baby does in his Montessori daycare (with instructors who have college degrees). So probably at least $70K after-tax to get a high quality nanny. Doesn't seem worth it.

Literally only need an extra set of hands for 1 hour in the morning and 3 hours in the evening. Plus have an au pair do sporadic kid stuff - laundry, lunch boxes, straightening up their rooms - throughout the week. I don't think an au pair would even hit 40 hours with us in a week.

You do you. I'm not a fan of kids taking care of kids and especially babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It breaks my heart to see all of the need people are expressing in work/life balance turn to squabbling about who does it best. Honestly, folks, neither is ideal. The Italian women in the 60s who protested with “Wages for housework!” were right. We need to band together to ask for what we need to do our jobs well. We need to demand this *from our employers*. The 40 hour work week didn’t just happen magically. People literally died for it.

In solidarity with you all,

A ft working mother of 2

+1 million

Running a household is work. It's the job I do after I do the job that pays me (sub $100 K with 20 years in).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 4.5 year-old and a baby just over 1. Baby in full day daycare and the older one has done DCPS PreK + aftercare for the past two years which he loved. Now in summer camp + aftercare, though he deeply misses all his school friends (who scatter to the wind during the summer).

Two kids is wild. One of us is home by 545 with the kids, dinner, play, bath time, etc. Our oldest kid won't go to bed at 715pm anymore and is stretching out bed time + longer daylight hours. We don't get a free moment until 9pm; it's killing us. Have a long list of babysitters and we rotate through them, it's been nice to get out of the house in the evening once the baby is down for the night.

Strongly considering an au pair. We can afford it ($250K x 2 jobs). Would be super helpful for getting kids ready in the AM, picking up our oldest kid from school/camp, packing the lunch box, etc.

Get a real nanny. At your income you can afford it and sounds like you really need the help

Why get a "real nanny"? I'd need to hire a top-notch nanny for her to cover everything my baby does in his Montessori daycare (with instructors who have college degrees). So probably at least $70K after-tax to get a high quality nanny. Doesn't seem worth it.

Literally only need an extra set of hands for 1 hour in the morning and 3 hours in the evening. Plus have an au pair do sporadic kid stuff - laundry, lunch boxes, straightening up their rooms - throughout the week. I don't think an au pair would even hit 40 hours with us in a week.

Getting a real nanny is 100% worth it. I wouldn't do it in place of a Montessori school. As a working mom, having assistance with laundry, dishes, lunch boxes, meal prep, and transportation is incredibly beneficial. I pay a nanny an above-market rate for a guaranteed 20 hours a week. While costly, it makes a significant difference in managing my job, running our household effectively, finding time to exercise, and enabling my kids to participate in competitive sports that prepare them to play in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 4.5 year-old and a baby just over 1. Baby in full day daycare and the older one has done DCPS PreK + aftercare for the past two years which he loved. Now in summer camp + aftercare, though he deeply misses all his school friends (who scatter to the wind during the summer).

Two kids is wild. One of us is home by 545 with the kids, dinner, play, bath time, etc. Our oldest kid won't go to bed at 715pm anymore and is stretching out bed time + longer daylight hours. We don't get a free moment until 9pm; it's killing us. Have a long list of babysitters and we rotate through them, it's been nice to get out of the house in the evening once the baby is down for the night.

Strongly considering an au pair. We can afford it ($250K x 2 jobs). Would be super helpful for getting kids ready in the AM, picking up our oldest kid from school/camp, packing the lunch box, etc.

Get a real nanny. At your income you can afford it and sounds like you really need the help

Why get a "real nanny"? I'd need to hire a top-notch nanny for her to cover everything my baby does in his Montessori daycare (with instructors who have college degrees). So probably at least $70K after-tax to get a high quality nanny. Doesn't seem worth it.

Literally only need an extra set of hands for 1 hour in the morning and 3 hours in the evening. Plus have an au pair do sporadic kid stuff - laundry, lunch boxes, straightening up their rooms - throughout the week. I don't think an au pair would even hit 40 hours with us in a week.

Getting a real nanny is 100% worth it. I wouldn't do it in place of a Montessori school. As a working mom, having assistance with laundry, dishes, lunch boxes, meal prep, and transportation is incredibly beneficial. I pay a nanny an above-market rate for a guaranteed 20 hours a week. While costly, it makes a significant difference in managing my job, running our household effectively, finding time to exercise, and enabling my kids to participate in competitive sports that prepare them to play in high school.

So you have a part-time Alice.

That definitely is the way to do it, but how much do you pay for this above market staff? I’m gonna guess it’s probably close to 50,000 right? Because going part time for them also means less ability to take another job, it’s not like they can cover two kids after school, or there’s a baby who only needs care from the morning.

[Anonymous]

It is hard but I could not imagine giving up my career. Instead I have leaned into WFH post-covid, and I WFH whenever possible (I go in less than 50% of the time, and some months it’s only 15-20% in office). DH’s job doesn’t have much flexibility, so I am the default person for early pickups, sick days, and random days off school. The tradeoff for using this flexibility is that I usually log back in and do more work after bedtime, and as a result I get little to no downtime/rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 4.5 year-old and a baby just over 1. Baby in full day daycare and the older one has done DCPS PreK + aftercare for the past two years which he loved. Now in summer camp + aftercare, though he deeply misses all his school friends (who scatter to the wind during the summer).

Two kids is wild. One of us is home by 545 with the kids, dinner, play, bath time, etc. Our oldest kid won't go to bed at 715pm anymore and is stretching out bed time + longer daylight hours. We don't get a free moment until 9pm; it's killing us. Have a long list of babysitters and we rotate through them, it's been nice to get out of the house in the evening once the baby is down for the night.

Strongly considering an au pair. We can afford it ($250K x 2 jobs). Would be super helpful for getting kids ready in the AM, picking up our oldest kid from school/camp, packing the lunch box, etc.

Get a real nanny. At your income you can afford it and sounds like you really need the help

Why get a "real nanny"? I'd need to hire a top-notch nanny for her to cover everything my baby does in his Montessori daycare (with instructors who have college degrees). So probably at least $70K after-tax to get a high quality nanny. Doesn't seem worth it.

Literally only need an extra set of hands for 1 hour in the morning and 3 hours in the evening. Plus have an au pair do sporadic kid stuff - laundry, lunch boxes, straightening up their rooms - throughout the week. I don't think an au pair would even hit 40 hours with us in a week.

Getting a real nanny is 100% worth it. I wouldn't do it in place of a Montessori school. As a working mom, having assistance with laundry, dishes, lunch boxes, meal prep, and transportation is incredibly beneficial. I pay a nanny an above-market rate for a guaranteed 20 hours a week. While costly, it makes a significant difference in managing my job, running our household effectively, finding time to exercise, and enabling my kids to participate in competitive sports that prepare them to play in high school.

So you have a part-time Alice.

That definitely is the way to do it, but how much do you pay for this above market staff? I’m gonna guess it’s probably close to 50,000 right? Because going part time for them also means less ability to take another job, it’s not like they can cover two kids after school, or there’s a baby who only needs care from the morning.

You're in the ballpark on cost. Our nanny is happy with the arrangement; she's single, and her child is out of the house, so the amount we pay is enough. She uses her mornings for her hobbies and her own housework and occasionally takes other jobs.

[Anonymous]

SAH isn’t exactly fun all the time, either. Even most SAHM who can afford it still send their kids to summer camps, because there isn’t that much to do when all the other kids are in camp.
The years that they need summer camps with aftercare are not so many, so most people just figure out something during that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 4.5 year-old and a baby just over 1. Baby in full day daycare and the older one has done DCPS PreK + aftercare for the past two years which he loved. Now in summer camp + aftercare, though he deeply misses all his school friends (who scatter to the wind during the summer).

Two kids is wild. One of us is home by 545 with the kids, dinner, play, bath time, etc. Our oldest kid won't go to bed at 715pm anymore and is stretching out bed time + longer daylight hours. We don't get a free moment until 9pm; it's killing us. Have a long list of babysitters and we rotate through them, it's been nice to get out of the house in the evening once the baby is down for the night.

Strongly considering an au pair. We can afford it ($250K x 2 jobs). Would be super helpful for getting kids ready in the AM, picking up our oldest kid from school/camp, packing the lunch box, etc.

Get a real nanny. At your income you can afford it and sounds like you really need the help

Why get a "real nanny"? I'd need to hire a top-notch nanny for her to cover everything my baby does in his Montessori daycare (with instructors who have college degrees). So probably at least $70K after-tax to get a high quality nanny. Doesn't seem worth it.

Literally only need an extra set of hands for 1 hour in the morning and 3 hours in the evening. Plus have an au pair do sporadic kid stuff - laundry, lunch boxes, straightening up their rooms - throughout the week. I don't think an au pair would even hit 40 hours with us in a week.

Getting a real nanny is 100% worth it. I wouldn't do it in place of a Montessori school. As a working mom, having assistance with laundry, dishes, lunch boxes, meal prep, and transportation is incredibly beneficial. I pay a nanny an above-market rate for a guaranteed 20 hours a week. While costly, it makes a significant difference in managing my job, running our household effectively, finding time to exercise, and enabling my kids to participate in competitive sports that prepare them to play in high school.

So you have a part-time Alice.

That definitely is the way to do it, but how much do you pay for this above market staff? I’m gonna guess it’s probably close to 50,000 right? Because going part time for them also means less ability to take another job, it’s not like they can cover two kids after school, or there’s a baby who only needs care from the morning.

You're in the ballpark on cost. Our nanny is happy with the arrangement; she's single, and her child is out of the house, so the amount we pay is enough. She uses her mornings for her hobbies and her own housework and occasionally takes other jobs.

You must live in the exurbs, because her in suburbs a former mom would not be looking for part time work like this. They would have either a breadwinner or a real job.

How is this woman going to retire?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the parent who keeps the flex schedule so kids aren't in SACC till 6 or stuck in camp aftercare which is ALWAYS terrible. But my career is so stymied by being parent friendly. Really wish we had focused on breadwinner SAHM model rather than equality and "do it all" fallacy.

That's all. Off to pick up my kids from camp.

Hire a college kid 3:30-5:30pm to do that driving and settling them back in home! $20/hr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the parent who keeps the flex schedule so kids aren't in SACC till 6 or stuck in camp aftercare which is ALWAYS terrible. But my career is so stymied by being parent friendly. Really wish we had focused on breadwinner SAHM model rather than equality and "do it all" fallacy.

That's all. Off to pick up my kids from camp.

Hire a college kid 3:30-5:30pm to do that driving and settling them back in home! $20/hr

Hard to find this.