Being a working parent sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the parent who keeps the flex schedule so kids aren't in SACC till 6 or stuck in camp aftercare which is ALWAYS terrible. But my career is so stymied by being parent friendly. Really wish we had focused on breadwinner SAHM model rather than equality and "do it all" fallacy.

That's all. Off to pick up my kids from camp.

+1 In your same boat OP. My husband was working in big law when I had my first and told me he'd happily be the breadwinner if I wanted to stay at home. I blame years of indoctrination from my education and even my own parents that WOMEN MUST HAVE A CAREER AND YES THEY CAN HAVE IT ALL, I chose to stay in my well paid but stressful consulting job. As much as it hurt to see my baby get whisked off by a nanny (yes, we had the privilege of affording a nanny but I still didn't love the arrangement), I just could not give up my career. I didn't even love my job, but I loved that I had a career and that's what my peers and society told me I had to have.

Fast forward 5 years, we've had a second kid and husband now works as a government lawyer. I essentially had to mommy track at some point and now I'm neither here nor there. No longer work for the prestigious big name company but still have to keep working so I'm constantly stretched thing as the primary back-up care person, especially in the summer.

Wish I had chosen to be a SAHM when the chance was there. Or not had kids. Or just had one.

Do you think your DH would have remained BigLaw if you had SAH? If not then living off a gov lawyer salary may have required sacrifice you may or may not have tolerated.

We would have to live off my spouse salary, which would have meant some exurb with a long commute for him, I doubt he would have stepped up to a Big Career. That said I’m a simple person so that is very attractive; all I would miss is the travel budget.

yes - that was the arrangement he proposed. I stay at home and handle the kids, he will stay in big law to make sure we are comfortable. His mother was a SAHM and he has a wonderfully close family, so he was fully supportive of me becoming one even if it meant he had to stick to big law - he saw it as a joint sacrifice (i give up my career, he stays in the stressful job) so we can give our children a peaceful upbringing with a lot of time with a parent as opposed to daycare or nanny. At the same time he, coming from the same background as I did, would never has demanded/expected that, because that would make him a disgusting old fashioned oppressive man! So when I insisted on stay in my job he said ok. It did mean he didn't fight tooth and nail to make partner - because hey, he had a wife who at the time made just as much as he did! He also wanted more time with the kids when I had the really long hours.

[Anonymous]

Me too! Women’s suffrage was a mistake. The vacuum cleaner did more to liberate women than anything. I wish I could stay home and not be allowed to open my own bank account like the old days.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have flexible and interesting jobs and one child. We don't worry about money and each have time to relax. Not surprised studies show women with one child are happier than women with no or multiple children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know that kids are better off or happier not having to go to aftercare or staying until closing. Avoiding that never entered my decision making, which,’along with sharing the drop off and pick up load, led to both of us being able to have the careers we wanted.

So your kids have been staying in school and camp from 9-6 through age 6-13?

Mine aren't that old yet, but, yes, that's more or less what we are doing. My kids love aftercare so we're lucky there. This is the first summer we have to do camp aftercare because everything's finally back to normal post-pandemic. Last summer I still had a lot more flexibility and understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the parent who keeps the flex schedule so kids aren't in SACC till 6 or stuck in camp aftercare which is ALWAYS terrible. But my career is so stymied by being parent friendly. Really wish we had focused on breadwinner SAHM model rather than equality and "do it all" fallacy.

That's all. Off to pick up my kids from camp.

+1 In your same boat OP. My husband was working in big law when I had my first and told me he'd happily be the breadwinner if I wanted to stay at home. I blame years of indoctrination from my education and even my own parents that WOMEN MUST HAVE A CAREER AND YES THEY CAN HAVE IT ALL, I chose to stay in my well paid but stressful consulting job. As much as it hurt to see my baby get whisked off by a nanny (yes, we had the privilege of affording a nanny but I still didn't love the arrangement), I just could not give up my career. I didn't even love my job, but I loved that I had a career and that's what my peers and society told me I had to have.

Fast forward 5 years, we've had a second kid and husband now works as a government lawyer. I essentially had to mommy track at some point and now I'm neither here nor there. No longer work for the prestigious big name company but still have to keep working so I'm constantly stretched thing as the primary back-up care person, especially in the summer.

Wish I had chosen to be a SAHM when the chance was there. Or not had kids. Or just had one.

Do you think your DH would have remained BigLaw if you had SAH? If not then living off a gov lawyer salary may have required sacrifice you may or may not have tolerated.

We would have to live off my spouse salary, which would have meant some exurb with a long commute for him, I doubt he would have stepped up to a Big Career. That said I’m a simple person so that is very attractive; all I would miss is the travel budget.

yes - that was the arrangement he proposed. I stay at home and handle the kids, he will stay in big law to make sure we are comfortable. His mother was a SAHM and he has a wonderfully close family, so he was fully supportive of me becoming one even if it meant he had to stick to big law - he saw it as a joint sacrifice (i give up my career, he stays in the stressful job) so we can give our children a peaceful upbringing with a lot of time with a parent as opposed to daycare or nanny. At the same time he, coming from the same background as I did, would never has demanded/expected that, because that would make him a disgusting old fashioned oppressive man! So when I insisted on stay in my job he said ok. It did mean he didn't fight tooth and nail to make partner - because hey, he had a wife who at the time made just as much as he did! He also wanted more time with the kids when I had the really long hours.

Maybe he would have made partner, but in my experience, the people who make partner are workaholics already, and they would not have been someone who took the time to be a family man with the kids given the opportunity. So you could’ve ended up for the same place only with the worse career progression for yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know that kids are better off or happier not having to go to aftercare or staying until closing. Avoiding that never entered my decision making, which,’along with sharing the drop off and pick up load, led to both of us being able to have the careers we wanted.

So your kids have been staying in school and camp from 9-6 through age 6-13?

Mine aren't that old yet, but, yes, that's more or less what we are doing. My kids love aftercare so we're lucky there. This is the first summer we have to do camp aftercare because everything's finally back to normal post-pandemic. Last summer I still had a lot more flexibility and understanding.

Wait how old are your kids? What is the after care like? our aftercare ran from kindergarten to sixth grade, and generally, they had to keep a very militant discipline because of the third and above grades misbehavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know that kids are better off or happier not having to go to aftercare or staying until closing. Avoiding that never entered my decision making, which,’along with sharing the drop off and pick up load, led to both of us being able to have the careers we wanted.

So your kids have been staying in school and camp from 9-6 through age 6-13?

Mine aren't that old yet, but, yes, that's more or less what we are doing. My kids love aftercare so we're lucky there. This is the first summer we have to do camp aftercare because everything's finally back to normal post-pandemic. Last summer I still had a lot more flexibility and understanding.

Oh then you’ll see. Daycare hours and preschool aftercare were great - it is the camp aftercare that is just warehousing kids to see who Wis strong enough to survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know that kids are better off or happier not having to go to aftercare or staying until closing. Avoiding that never entered my decision making, which,’along with sharing the drop off and pick up load, led to both of us being able to have the careers we wanted.

???

Shouldn’t you know if your OWN kids are better off or happier avoiding aftercare? I won’t speak for everyone’s children, but mine absolutely HATED aftercare and it stressed them out horribly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am fairly happy with my setup during the school year but summers are hard! Aftercare at camp is extra expensive and also basically warehousing kids with no supervision, so it isn’t an affordable or quality option.

What kind of career? Doe your spouse make big money?

HAHA NO. He makes $70K and has a strict schedule. I am a govt lawyer with flexibility, and we have an afterschool sitter during the year for my office days (two a week). But a teenager can’t handle three ADHD boys aged 7-12 for nine hours a day so we need camps in the summer. And that’s when it falls apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me too! Women’s suffrage was a mistake. The vacuum cleaner did more to liberate women than anything. I wish I could stay home and not be allowed to open my own bank account like the old days.

You sound like an idiot, I hope you realize that someday. This is freshman high school girl level of feminist analysis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford a nanny? It makes after-school and summers bearable. As our kids get older, she's become their Uber driver.

Around here a driving nanny requires a BIG JOB salary. How does two gov drones swing $50k after tax, and maybe an extra car?

Then one or both of you get a BIG JOB. Our driving nanny also does laundry, brings in groceries, unpacks school supplies, makes lunches for the next day, supervises homework, drives, and does meal prep so I can just heat up dinner when I get home. It's not cheap, but it's necessary. Just go back to private practice with a firm that doesn't micromanage where and when you work as long as you meet your hours requirement. I can focus on my kids and put them to bed when I get home (between 4 and 7, depending on the day). More money can solve this problem in some ways, provided you find the right work setup and the right nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford a nanny? It makes after-school and summers bearable. As our kids get older, she's become their Uber driver.

Around here a driving nanny requires a BIG JOB salary. How does two gov drones swing $50k after tax, and maybe an extra car?

Then one or both of you get a BIG JOB. Our driving nanny also does laundry, brings in groceries, unpacks school supplies, makes lunches for the next day, supervises homework, drives, and does meal prep so I can just heat up dinner when I get home. It's not cheap, but it's necessary. Just go back to private practice with a firm that doesn't micromanage where and when you work as long as you meet your hours requirement. I can focus on my kids and put them to bed when I get home (between 4 and 7, depending on the day). More money can solve this problem in some ways, provided you find the right work setup and the right nanny.

for most of us, the path to a big job closed when we pivot it to a family flexible job a decade ago. I am afraid my life does not have the easy money button from Staples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am fairly happy with my setup during the school year but summers are hard! Aftercare at camp is extra expensive and also basically warehousing kids with no supervision, so it isn’t an affordable or quality option.

What kind of career? Doe your spouse make big money?

HAHA NO. He makes $70K and has a strict schedule. I am a govt lawyer with flexibility, and we have an afterschool sitter during the year for my office days (two a week). But a teenager can’t handle three ADHD boys aged 7-12 for nine hours a day so we need camps in the summer. And that’s when it falls apart.

I admire your attitude and good spirits as this does seem like a trying situation even with the school year support

[Anonymous]

Warehousing of kids, overseen by surly (and sometimes sketch teenagers) without zero adults around : my experience at every camp aftercare.

And aftercare in general, school and camp, definitely reenacts Lord of the Flies.

[Anonymous]

I have never met a woman who was in daycare/aftercare as a child also want that for her own kids. The problem is no one talks about what it costs to avoid this until you’ve had a baby.

I actually think is a huge benefit of dcum—keeping it real for young women who stumble upon posts like this.