Being a working parent sucks

[Anonymous]

DH and I have relatively flexible jobs, and we only have 2 kids and we even have a bit (though not a ton) of family help. Our life still feels unmanageable to me a lot of the time. I keep searching for a solution. It feels like our life is set up in a way that requires me to perpetually over function. I used to be able to do it and just suck it up, but I’ve hit a wall. I can’t seem to find a balance. I can’t do the things I used to do.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. We need money, but my kid has SN that require a lot of appointments and care. I don’t know what to do. I’m always underperforming at work and afraid I’ll be fired. But if my kid is in the hospital or we’re seeing a specialist it took a year to get an appointment with, I’m going. Screw work. Fire me. Do what you gotta do, I’m showing up for my kid and I’m not going to outsource hospital stays or doc appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Genuine question: all I read about online is how awful it is to be a working mom, but I look at my SIL (my main point of reference) and she seems to be doing well with a high powered ft job and two tween/teen kids. They have a nanny who shuttles the kids to/from school and does some basic chores at home. They make a combined salary of around 300k so it’s not like they’re super wealthy. Is this not doable for most families?

Whether $300k is enough to afford a nanny into the teenage years depends on a lot of other factors (other costs/debt/cost of nanny in their area/etc), but contrary to DCUM talk, most families don’t even make $300k. And even people who could afford a nanny don’t necessarily want one — for example, I love my job but I also really wish I could be with my kids the entire time they’re not in school. By the time they’re teens I hope to be part time and fully responsible for ferrying them around myself. So no, your SIL’s life is doable/desirable for most people.

I would happily get some kind of housekeeper who cleaned and organized and prepped meals and grocery shopped. If we could afford it which of course we cannot. But I'm with you that it is not my dream to have someone to outsource all the parenting stuff. I would like to do that myself unless it's truly outside my abilities (like I'm not homeschooling or tutoring my kid in physics or teaching ballet or whatever). I want to drive my kid to school and activities. I want to be home with them at a reasonable hour and spend time with them at meals and on the weekend. I definitely don't want to be *working* instead of doing those things. And I like my job. But I like my kids more and they are home with us for a finite time.

So yeah -- outsourcing all the non-parenting home stuff so I can work and spend time with kids with less stress would be awesome but the idea of a nanny who is providing a SAHP type experience for my kids while I work makes me sad. What would really be great would be if DH and I could both work like 6 hr days (or work 8 hour days but only 3 days a week or something) and still together make enough to afford our mortgage and a pretty middle class lifestyle (1 car and a few moderately priced activities for kids and eating out once a week and two week long vacations a year with one being a road trip). But we can barely afford that with both of us working full time. So it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who is really looking forward to taking care of grandkids? I wasn't able to be a SAHM, but I really want to help my own kids. I love babies and toddlers. I'm not sure why more grandparents aren't interested in their grandkids.

My parents live on the same street as me and want to be helpful, but they're unreliable. "Oh we're going to visit your brother for a month, surely you can take care of the kids then?" Umm no. I can't stop and start aftercare/daycare at a whim. Then my parents are upset that their grandkids are having all this fun with the nanny instead of them. I can't win.

Me! I live close to my kids and grandkids and watch them whenever needed or if I just want them to myself for a few days. I’m very lucky.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are very early 30s; ~$300K HHI. We want kids but I have no idea how we are going to do it. I make more so can’t be a SAHM; my husband would not be a good SAHD. And even on that salary childcare will wipe us out.

This thread has been eye opening; thanks to all who posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are very early 30s; ~$300K HHI. We want kids but I have no idea how we are going to do it. I make more so can’t be a SAHM; my husband would not be a good SAHD. And even on that salary childcare will wipe us out.

This thread has been eye opening; thanks to all who posted.

Why will child care "wipe you out" at that income?

Many families pay for childcare for multileg Le kids on 150-200k in income. You are looking at 40-60k per year that first year. A lot, no question, but if you cut back retirement contributions and budget consciously, doable. Many families naturally save money on food and entertainment during the baby years because you just go out less.

I did SAHM for the first two years and we got buy in 150k and it was sometimes tight but not that hard.

But I really wanted to be a parent. We didn't base whether or not to have a kid on our income-- we decide ded we wanted a kid and then made lifestyle choices that enabled that choice. The same way you would make financial choices to enable going back to school or starting a business-- the sacrifices are worth it because it's a means to an end. Not just checking off a box of "well this is what people do."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are very early 30s; ~$300K HHI. We want kids but I have no idea how we are going to do it. I make more so can’t be a SAHM; my husband would not be a good SAHD. And even on that salary childcare will wipe us out.

This thread has been eye opening; thanks to all who posted.

I’m a single parent by choice (so I had no option to stay home) with an income of ~$150k and two kids. Absent any major debts, childcare shouldn’t be wiping you out? Childcare for one kid for one year ranges from $20-70k depending on location and the form of care you choose but should definitely be manageable at $300k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are very early 30s; ~$300K HHI. We want kids but I have no idea how we are going to do it. I make more so can’t be a SAHM; my husband would not be a good SAHD. And even on that salary childcare will wipe us out.

This thread has been eye opening; thanks to all who posted.

I’m a single parent by choice (so I had no option to stay home) with an income of ~$150k and two kids. Absent any major debts, childcare shouldn’t be wiping you out? Childcare for one kid for one year ranges from $20-70k depending on location and the form of care you choose but should definitely be manageable at $300k.

Thank you (PP here) - maybe it is just the sticker shock of how expensive daycare is. Especially with more than one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have relatively flexible jobs, and we only have 2 kids and we even have a bit (though not a ton) of family help. Our life still feels unmanageable to me a lot of the time. I keep searching for a solution. It feels like our life is set up in a way that requires me to perpetually over function. I used to be able to do it and just suck it up, but I’ve hit a wall. I can’t seem to find a balance. I can’t do the things I used to do.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. We need money, but my kid has SN that require a lot of appointments and care. I don’t know what to do. I’m always underperforming at work and afraid I’ll be fired. But if my kid is in the hospital or we’re seeing a specialist it took a year to get an appointment with, I’m going. Screw work. Fire me. Do what you gotta do, I’m showing up for my kid and I’m not going to outsource hospital stays or doc appointments.

I feel exactly like you describe in your first paragraph. I'm very seriously considering if we can figure out a way for me to stay at home. I just don't feel good about our setup any more; like the wheels are about to fall off.

[Anonymous]

If we all saved more earlier in our lives, this would not be a problem. I'm not calling anyone out because I should have done the same.

We've been fed an untruth about how to raise a family while working. Basically, it's not possible to do both to the level most of us want. For some reason, part-time work in my field resulted in a MUCH lower hourly rate than if I worked FT. So, I had to keep working FT.

But here's the thing.

I could have saved more earlier in life. I didn't know what I didn't know. If we had been more aggressive savers earlier, then we'd be retired by now.

I plan to share these lessons with my kids, so they have more choices and can prepare earlier than I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are very early 30s; ~$300K HHI. We want kids but I have no idea how we are going to do it. I make more so can’t be a SAHM; my husband would not be a good SAHD. And even on that salary childcare will wipe us out.

This thread has been eye opening; thanks to all who posted.

OP this thread is not everyone. First of all, you will absolutely not be wiped out by childcare on that income!! Similar income here and we live in a nice but small house close-in, have great vacations, eat out, kids do activities. normal normal normal. And while the balance can definitely be hard, I don't feel wiped out as some describe. Post-covid the more flexible schedules have made a huge difference. I will be honest I do kind of feel like I "have it all." At least my own personal "all" where I feel like i'm working an interesting job that generally does good in the world, but I have a lot of time with my kids and we live a happy family life. Could I be further in my career if I didn't have kids? Sure. But for me I wouldnt be as fulfilled and my current balance feels pretty darn good.

Probably good to be aware that yes it is hard, but don't let this thread get you too down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are very early 30s; ~$300K HHI. We want kids but I have no idea how we are going to do it. I make more so can’t be a SAHM; my husband would not be a good SAHD. And even on that salary childcare will wipe us out.

This thread has been eye opening; thanks to all who posted.

I’m a single parent by choice (so I had no option to stay home) with an income of ~$150k and two kids. Absent any major debts, childcare shouldn’t be wiping you out? Childcare for one kid for one year ranges from $20-70k depending on location and the form of care you choose but should definitely be manageable at $300k.

Thank you (PP here) - maybe it is just the sticker shock of how expensive daycare is. Especially with more than one child.

Yeah the sticker shock is real! What I did was allocate $2000 in my monthly budget to “daycare” before I started trying for kids (that was roughly what infant care cost in my area) as a joint way of restructuring my budget to cover the big new expense and also increasing my savings prior to actually having to start to pay for daycare. The one year where I had two in full time daycare I definitely had to pull a bit from savings (and I expect similar when I have two in college) but it’s absolutely manageable if you’re careful with your budget (and at $300k you shouldn’t need to be quite as careful).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we all saved more earlier in our lives, this would not be a problem. I'm not calling anyone out because I should have done the same.

We've been fed an untruth about how to raise a family while working. Basically, it's not possible to do both to the level most of us want. For some reason, part-time work in my field resulted in a MUCH lower hourly rate than if I worked FT. So, I had to keep working FT.

But here's the thing.

I could have saved more earlier in life. I didn't know what I didn't know. If we had been more aggressive savers earlier, then we'd be retired by now.

I plan to share these lessons with my kids, so they have more choices and can prepare earlier than I did.

I don’t think “everyone” could have saved more. Most people save up to buy a house and that takes up most of their savings.

[Anonymous]

Women are their own worst enemy. They give each other crap for either choice, career or sahm. I'm a man and I think most women should stay home if they can afford it. It makes the family work much better.
My wife is constantly talking about how she has to do it all and I don't understand why. I think its because her sisters all have high powered careers.
I feel bad for her but I've made it clear I enjoy the breadwinner role. Not caregiver so I don't so anything with the kids.

[Anonymous]

It’s true: Life sucks and then you die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women are their own worst enemy. They give each other crap for either choice, career or sahm. I'm a man and I think most women should stay home if they can afford it. It makes the family work much better.
My wife is constantly talking about how she has to do it all and I don't understand why. I think its because her sisters all have high powered careers.
I feel bad for her but I've made it clear I enjoy the breadwinner role. Not caregiver so I don't so anything with the kids.

blegh well as long as you are happy and fulfilled right?