Husband is dying - no life insurance or savings, I’m a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate how everyone always attacks the wife when in situations like this. Have some empathy folks. Poor thing. I feel bad for you.

Agree, but many many people on the SAHM v WM threads discuss this exact possibility, and so many sahms brush it off "Oh that won't happen to me!" but it happens to millions of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for you but why no job and three kids? Seems like you also made terrible choices.

Are you always this heartless???

Soren’s I just can’t imagine what posters here are thinking when they are beyond cruel like this.

It’s heartless but the truth. OP needs a job. It’s really that simple. She won’t get one for the same reasons she hasn’t been working.

Continuing to have kids with an alcoholic and not working but then asking for help when time is up?

He's also been hospitalized multiple times, and OP is only now even thinking about getting her ducks in a row. Seems like she should have been looking at this a long time ago, maybe after his first hospitalization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the hiring cycle for teachers for fall is NOW, have you been actively looking?

No, I’ve been grieving the loss of my husband/marriage while trying to take decent care of the kids by myself. When the youngest is in preschool I go to therapy, Al Anon meetings, and initial consultations with attorneys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the hiring cycle for teachers for fall is NOW, have you been actively looking?

No, I’ve been grieving the loss of my husband/marriage while trying to take decent care of the kids by myself. When the youngest is in preschool I go to therapy, Al Anon meetings, and initial consultations with attorneys.

You're already going to these? Why are you asking for advice here if you're consulting with attorneys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the hiring cycle for teachers for fall is NOW, have you been actively looking?

No, I’ve been grieving the loss of my husband/marriage while trying to take decent care of the kids by myself. When the youngest is in preschool I go to therapy, Al Anon meetings, and initial consultations with attorneys.

Are you a troll? I’m a working mom who would love to attend Al-anon and therapy.

But you know what? I have two young kids and bills to pay. Providing for my kids is more important than Al-anon meetings.

Absolutely insane you’re coming up with this as an excuse for not working.

[Anonymous]

How many hours does therapy, AA and lawyer consults take up per week?

Not that much. Get a job.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of good advice here but you need professional advice. Do you have family you can turn to? I’m very close with my parents and siblings and I know they would help even if not financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband is an alcoholic. He has cirrhosis, chronic pancreatitis, PVT, and hepatic encephalopathy. He’s in the hospital. Again. This happens every few months and it’s just a matter of time.

We are currently separated bc the chaos of living under the same roof as him was unbearable.

I’ve done everything in my power to hold the household and the kids together. 3 kids under age 10. At first I was hopeful he’d get better but recovery never sticks. He doesn’t want to stop drinking.

He’s an impulsive spender. Never plans. Never communicates. Loves to put things on credit cards. He switched jobs recently and his group life insurance policy sucks. The payout is less than one year of his salary. So it’s essentially non-existant. We have no savings. No college funds for kids. We have $600k equity in the house. $350k retirement funds. Pulled a credit report on my husband and between house, cars, and consumer credit cards, he owes $915k. ($750k is the house. $40k cars. $70k HELOC. The rest is consumer CC debt.) Every single debt is in his name.

I’m horrified by the debt. I begrudgingly signed off on the heloc. Then the cars were purchased without my approval. I had no idea he had so much credit card debt… but he had to hide how much he was drinking and never makes more than minimum payments..

So now that I know he’s dying and I know we’re screwed financially, what on earth can I do? I plan to return to work in the fall (teacher) but that won’t get us very far.

Are you living in the house or is he? How much is the other party paying in rent?

Can he be discharged to rehab? Have you had conversations with his doctors? Does he have short term disability through work?

I would not be so sure he is actively dying, alcoholics can linger. You need a financial plan if he lives and one if he does not. You need to speak to a lawyer.

How many teaching jobs have you applied for? Is your license current?

Al Anon for you, find an online meeting this weekend. You need to get very informed and practical with lawyer and financial planner and strategize around the emotional stuff with the free Al Anon folks.

Something is up with you, too, that you have such young kids, and so many, with someone in such bad shape. And that you quit your job, trapping yourself. You really have to get it together, OP. I'm guessing your family of origin involved alcoholism too? Do you have any extended family nearby to help?

I’ve been in Al Anon for a long time. Something was up with me. I operated on hope and potential for a very long time. I was in denial. I thought he’d get better. I thought he was telling me the truth. Now I know better, it’s a progressive disease. If your gut tells you something is off… it is. I learned the hard way as many women in Al Anon do.

If you saw my husband you would NEVER guess that he’s dying of alcoholism. He’s well educated and attractive. Has an impressive career. His extended family members are all white collar and well educated. Beautiful homes and children. And most of them have alcohol issues. My husband is definitely the worst though.

I was a SAHM bc the kids are little -preschool and ES- and my husband travels for work. This is not unusual. Teacher salary is less than childcare x 3. I always planned to return when the youngest gets to kindergarten.

I’ve been doing initial consults for weeks. I think I’ve settled on a family law attorney. I just wanted to gather some more baseline info here.

I’m in the marital home. He has an apartment and refuses inpatient treatment. He always does outpatient so he can keep working and pretend he doesn’t have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen you have 2 options.

1) get a higher paying job and figure out how to support yourself.

2) continue to teach, get divorced and find a man to support you

I will never ever get married again. No thank you. I choose #1!

[Anonymous]

It is what it is but you are alive and can gradually dig your way out of it. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many hours does therapy, AA and lawyer consults take up per week?

Not that much. Get a job.

All the preschool hours that’s for sure. SAHMs stay home bc they have kids to watch!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is what it is but you are alive and can gradually dig your way out of it. Good luck!

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consult an estate lawyer, and a CPA

Yes with what money? SAH wife who is here whining about her husband's mismanagement of their affairs. I love it when people throw these suggestions out .... retainer anyone?

You don’t pay a retainer for a consultation.

Consultations are all about $450 for an hour

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the hiring cycle for teachers for fall is NOW, have you been actively looking?

No, I’ve been grieving the loss of my husband/marriage while trying to take decent care of the kids by myself. When the youngest is in preschool I go to therapy, Al Anon meetings, and initial consultations with attorneys.

Are you a troll? I’m a working mom who would love to attend Al-anon and therapy.

But you know what? I have two young kids and bills to pay. Providing for my kids is more important than Al-anon meetings.

Absolutely insane you’re coming up with this as an excuse for not working.

Yes, as they can do those things online with kids at home. They can also get a basic online job too. Divorcing is silly if they cannot support themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the hiring cycle for teachers for fall is NOW, have you been actively looking?

No, I’ve been grieving the loss of my husband/marriage while trying to take decent care of the kids by myself. When the youngest is in preschool I go to therapy, Al Anon meetings, and initial consultations with attorneys.

I have been in a similar situation but you have got to compartmentalize and apply. Teaching has a hiring cycle. It's a matter of survival that you have a career job come fall.