Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often people like this are mentally ill AND they have dysfunctional, overprotective parents. Their parents watch them struggle so much growing up or in young adulthood and they don’t know what to do or how to help, and they usually end up enabling or making the child feel even more helpless. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own family and it is frustrating and a little heartbreaking. 💔

Just be the bigger person Op and try to have some compassion.

Nope. The family knows how to get help. This is not the 1920s. They actively chose not to get help and keep it a big secret. It is one thing for the parents to explain to OP that her brother has struggled since childhood and has tried therapies and meds and is considered a very complex case and then OP can figure out how to share with kids so they are compassionate. It's another thing to NOT get your child help all these years or to do it in secret and gaslight the family and insist all is normal and there is nothing going on and dump the brother on OP without any explanation that there is a serious mental health issue. There is SHAME in having a struggling child and not getting help for that child and thinking you can dump the problem on your other children. OPs parents can even set up boundaries now with the brother and they can get their own therapy for ideas on how to have boundaries and what to say to other adult children about the situation.

How do you force an adult to get help? Have you any experience with this?

You get them help as a child. Once you have an adult you get your own professional help to figure out what boundaries to set. If you let someone live rent free, you have parameters they are capable of with whatever disability. Chores in the house. Trying out several therapists and choosing one. Getting a psychiatric evaluation. As far as we know this family did NOTHING all these years. If they did try to get help, then work with a therapist to figure out how to share his issues with OP so it isn't, this whole pretending nothing is wrong. The fact the mom sends an adult son with loads of laundry to OP and things OP is going to accommodate that is insane. He clearly isn't physically disabled. An intellectually disabled person can do laundry. A mentally ill person can do laundry. If there is some issue that keeps him from being able to do his own darn laundry, it needs to be shared.

How does this help OP?

Read the thread. It was in answer to a question that was asked on the thread.

This is not OPs problem. She needs to just not get drawn into the dramatics. Just simply say that she shut it down and it was not asked in a malicious way. This is her parents not dealing with their son and not wanting to face reality.

I did read. Which is why PPs advice is useless. Shoulda, coulda, woulda with uncle back when he was a child. He's an adult now. All OP can do is set boundaries for herself. Not insist her brother or her parents do this, do that, make rules, insist on change. Whatever. Not her problem. She can limit decide who is welcome at her house or not and shut down any conversation about her brother when talking to her parents. I know, I've been there.

This thread is like a group therapy session. Been there (am there) as well. It takes a lot of strength to not enter into family dysfunction on that level, and to stay highly functional for our own children and lives. Huge hugs to all in the same situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often people like this are mentally ill AND they have dysfunctional, overprotective parents. Their parents watch them struggle so much growing up or in young adulthood and they don’t know what to do or how to help, and they usually end up enabling or making the child feel even more helpless. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own family and it is frustrating and a little heartbreaking. 💔

Just be the bigger person Op and try to have some compassion.

Nope. The family knows how to get help. This is not the 1920s. They actively chose not to get help and keep it a big secret. It is one thing for the parents to explain to OP that her brother has struggled since childhood and has tried therapies and meds and is considered a very complex case and then OP can figure out how to share with kids so they are compassionate. It's another thing to NOT get your child help all these years or to do it in secret and gaslight the family and insist all is normal and there is nothing going on and dump the brother on OP without any explanation that there is a serious mental health issue. There is SHAME in having a struggling child and not getting help for that child and thinking you can dump the problem on your other children. OPs parents can even set up boundaries now with the brother and they can get their own therapy for ideas on how to have boundaries and what to say to other adult children about the situation.

How do you force an adult to get help? Have you any experience with this?

You get them help as a child. Once you have an adult you get your own professional help to figure out what boundaries to set. If you let someone live rent free, you have parameters they are capable of with whatever disability. Chores in the house. Trying out several therapists and choosing one. Getting a psychiatric evaluation. As far as we know this family did NOTHING all these years. If they did try to get help, then work with a therapist to figure out how to share his issues with OP so it isn't, this whole pretending nothing is wrong. The fact the mom sends an adult son with loads of laundry to OP and things OP is going to accommodate that is insane. He clearly isn't physically disabled. An intellectually disabled person can do laundry. A mentally ill person can do laundry. If there is some issue that keeps him from being able to do his own darn laundry, it needs to be shared.

No his personal information does not have to be shared with a sister he isn’t even that close to! OP rightfully stopped the laundry issue on her own as well she should have.

Her brother’s financial dependence on his parents is between them and is their issue to resolve. Unless brother is asking OP for money or long term care, none of this if her business. She just doesn’t like that he doesn’t work and she is entitled to that opinion but that’s all it is.

This dude rolled up with his dirty drawers for his sister to launder, he feels plenty close. He doesn't want to work, his parents won't hold him accountable/get him help and his sister isn't there for it. And his nephew knows it's bonkers. All those things CAN be true!

THIS. they don't get to admonish OP for allowing a kid to ask to ask a NORMAL question. If they shared with OP he is disabled and getting help, she could explain that to her kids in advance in a developmentally appropriate way. It's not OK to pretend everything is OK when it isn't and the kids NOTICE. OP did nothing wrong. She doesn't need to have empathy for someone who has no diagnosis and expects her to do his dirty laundry. This is the parent's problem. All OP can do is refuse to get drawn into this dysfunction. If she finds out her brother understands he has a problem and is getting help then cheer him on, but enabling is not needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often people like this are mentally ill AND they have dysfunctional, overprotective parents. Their parents watch them struggle so much growing up or in young adulthood and they don’t know what to do or how to help, and they usually end up enabling or making the child feel even more helpless. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own family and it is frustrating and a little heartbreaking. 💔

Just be the bigger person Op and try to have some compassion.

Nope. The family knows how to get help. This is not the 1920s. They actively chose not to get help and keep it a big secret. It is one thing for the parents to explain to OP that her brother has struggled since childhood and has tried therapies and meds and is considered a very complex case and then OP can figure out how to share with kids so they are compassionate. It's another thing to NOT get your child help all these years or to do it in secret and gaslight the family and insist all is normal and there is nothing going on and dump the brother on OP without any explanation that there is a serious mental health issue. There is SHAME in having a struggling child and not getting help for that child and thinking you can dump the problem on your other children. OPs parents can even set up boundaries now with the brother and they can get their own therapy for ideas on how to have boundaries and what to say to other adult children about the situation.

How do you force an adult to get help? Have you any experience with this?

You get them help as a child. Once you have an adult you get your own professional help to figure out what boundaries to set. If you let someone live rent free, you have parameters they are capable of with whatever disability. Chores in the house. Trying out several therapists and choosing one. Getting a psychiatric evaluation. As far as we know this family did NOTHING all these years. If they did try to get help, then work with a therapist to figure out how to share his issues with OP so it isn't, this whole pretending nothing is wrong. The fact the mom sends an adult son with loads of laundry to OP and things OP is going to accommodate that is insane. He clearly isn't physically disabled. An intellectually disabled person can do laundry. A mentally ill person can do laundry. If there is some issue that keeps him from being able to do his own darn laundry, it needs to be shared.

No his personal information does not have to be shared with a sister he isn’t even that close to! OP rightfully stopped the laundry issue on her own as well she should have.

Her brother’s financial dependence on his parents is between them and is their issue to resolve. Unless brother is asking OP for money or long term care, none of this if her business. She just doesn’t like that he doesn’t work and she is entitled to that opinion but that’s all it is.

This dude rolled up with his dirty drawers for his sister to launder, he feels plenty close. He doesn't want to work, his parents won't hold him accountable/get him help and his sister isn't there for it. And his nephew knows it's bonkers. All those things CAN be true!

THIS. they don't get to admonish OP for allowing a kid to ask to ask a NORMAL question. If they shared with OP he is disabled and getting help, she could explain that to her kids in advance in a developmentally appropriate way. It's not OK to pretend everything is OK when it isn't and the kids NOTICE. OP did nothing wrong. She doesn't need to have empathy for someone who has no diagnosis and expects her to do his dirty laundry. This is the parent's problem. All OP can do is refuse to get drawn into this dysfunction. If she finds out her brother understands he has a problem and is getting help then cheer him on, but enabling is not needed.

That age group struggles with answers that are "just because." They are seeking to understand.

If a 7-year-old asks why someone doesn't work, and the reason is "they stay home to take care of kids," "they are retired," "they have a disability that makes it so they can't have a job," "they left their old job and are looking for a new one right now," etc those are reasons a kid can grasp.

I can totally understand a first grader struggling to grasp someone who doesn't work and is unable to provide a reason, and if it were my kid and the question was genuinely asked in good faith, I wouldn't admonish them for it.

[Anonymous]

It is totally fine for a kid to ask questions. You’re right that shame comes from the recipient. Your son was not shaming him. Your son apologizing is out of the question. I would never want to teach a kid to be afraid to ask questions.

In the interest of good relations with your family, it might be worth all the adults talking together. In your case I’d relay exactly what happened and say - what would you have done differently here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is totally fine for a kid to ask questions. You’re right that shame comes from the recipient. Your son was not shaming him. Your son apologizing is out of the question. I would never want to teach a kid to be afraid to ask questions.

In the interest of good relations with your family, it might be worth all the adults talking together. In your case I’d relay exactly what happened and say - what would you have done differently here?

I think this advice works in healthy families. Having a family likely like OPs with denial and dysfunction, the parents feel shame and need to get rid of the feeling immediately. It is easier to shame dump on the healthy one and tell her she needs to make her kid apologize then to deal with the shame that things are not normal. My mother's reaction to my sister's mood swings is to try to get me to fix it and dump. It's a quicker fix to try to force me to bend to the will of someone unstable than it is to finally accept she has been enabling and hiding mental illness for decades and to finally get a diagnosis and help.

I caution OP to be prepared that having normal, health conversations and boundaries could send the whole system into chaos and make her the scapegoat. I have been there and it was worth it to protect my kids and force the sibling to get help. However, it was painful. You tell a therapist and it is clear as day the family is dysfunctional and something is deeply unhealthy with the sibling, but yet you become evil, selfish, despicable for finally saying that you won't play the game anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your seven year old got frustrated with not understanding why your brother doesn't work? LOL

Look clearly you are entitled to your opinion but you are in the wrong here. Don't be a jerk and don't project things on to your kids.

Yeah, my twins are nine and I can't fathom that they would ask any follow up questions if someone told them they didn't work.

So I guess you're a troll. Either that or you're the one who pushed the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

Oh please, so can he tell you what ALL of his friend's dads do for work? Of course he can't. So he doesn't actually know that all of them have jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your seven year old got frustrated with not understanding why your brother doesn't work? LOL

Look clearly you are entitled to your opinion but you are in the wrong here. Don't be a jerk and don't project things on to your kids.

Yeah, my twins are nine and I can't fathom that they would ask any follow up questions if someone told them they didn't work.

So I guess you're a troll. Either that or you're the one who pushed the issue.

You can't imagine your twins asking 'Why?'. You are either very unimaginative or your twins are very simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like many other women who post here, I am in my 30's, married with three kids, a dog, a house, a job. I have an older brother who has none of those things and lives with our parents - my dad still works and mom works part time. It's not really clear WHY my brother doesn't work, or hasn't moved out of my parents' home. I moved out for college and never went back. He spent 6.5 years attempting college and never graduated but sure partied a lot, complete with DUI's and academic probation at least twice that I know about. I kind of pulled away to do my own thing.

Every two or three months my brother will come over for dinner, sleep here, have brunch, then go back to our childhood home. DS7 asked this morning what he does, when my brother said something about being exhausted. They started having a conversation about jobs and career, and DS got frustrated with not understanding why my brother doesn't work. After about 90 seconds (at most) I put a stop to it and we moved on. Eventually my brother went home but I just got a call from my father for allowing DS to shame my brother and nobody should be giving him a hard time. This has gone on so long that I no longer engage in arguments about why they're wrong for supporting my brother's inertia and lack of drive, but my father tried to insist DS and I owe my brother an apology.

Absolutely not. Dad put my mom on the phone to talk me into it. She said my brother felt shamed and judged and his feelings are hurt. I pointed out that if a 42 year old man feels shame about never having held a job for more than a week, then that's his issue to sort out. The enabling is off the charts here. I won't even get into how much they coddled him as the first born and a son, and I started saving for college at 14 with babysitting and after school jobs and worked all through college. How my brother has never paid my parents rent or any of their bills or helped with groceries or cleaned their house or done his OWN laundry. If he takes out the trash it's such an exciting moment that it gets talked about.

I love my parents. They're good, kind people who work hard. But they gave me an example of how NOT to raise a son.

This header is so annoying. Sounds like a small child complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often people like this are mentally ill AND they have dysfunctional, overprotective parents. Their parents watch them struggle so much growing up or in young adulthood and they don’t know what to do or how to help, and they usually end up enabling or making the child feel even more helpless. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own family and it is frustrating and a little heartbreaking. 💔

Just be the bigger person Op and try to have some compassion.

Nope. The family knows how to get help. This is not the 1920s. They actively chose not to get help and keep it a big secret. It is one thing for the parents to explain to OP that her brother has struggled since childhood and has tried therapies and meds and is considered a very complex case and then OP can figure out how to share with kids so they are compassionate. It's another thing to NOT get your child help all these years or to do it in secret and gaslight the family and insist all is normal and there is nothing going on and dump the brother on OP without any explanation that there is a serious mental health issue. There is SHAME in having a struggling child and not getting help for that child and thinking you can dump the problem on your other children. OPs parents can even set up boundaries now with the brother and they can get their own therapy for ideas on how to have boundaries and what to say to other adult children about the situation.

How do you force an adult to get help? Have you any experience with this?

You get them help as a child. Once you have an adult you get your own professional help to figure out what boundaries to set. If you let someone live rent free, you have parameters they are capable of with whatever disability. Chores in the house. Trying out several therapists and choosing one. Getting a psychiatric evaluation. As far as we know this family did NOTHING all these years. If they did try to get help, then work with a therapist to figure out how to share his issues with OP so it isn't, this whole pretending nothing is wrong. The fact the mom sends an adult son with loads of laundry to OP and things OP is going to accommodate that is insane. He clearly isn't physically disabled. An intellectually disabled person can do laundry. A mentally ill person can do laundry. If there is some issue that keeps him from being able to do his own darn laundry, it needs to be shared.

No his personal information does not have to be shared with a sister he isn’t even that close to! OP rightfully stopped the laundry issue on her own as well she should have.

Her brother’s financial dependence on his parents is between them and is their issue to resolve. Unless brother is asking OP for money or long term care, none of this if her business. She just doesn’t like that he doesn’t work and she is entitled to that opinion but that’s all it is.

This dude rolled up with his dirty drawers for his sister to launder, he feels plenty close. He doesn't want to work, his parents won't hold him accountable/get him help and his sister isn't there for it. And his nephew knows it's bonkers. All those things CAN be true!

Yes, all those things can be true AND it can be true that his brother doesn’t feel close enough to her to reveal a potential diagnosis that would explain why his answer to OP’s son was that he is “exhausted.” OP is NOT entitled to a diagnosis here if there is one. OP should have shut down the questioning when it went in that direction because the reason for someone feeling exhausted is really personal, as is all health information. Lesson learned. I don’t think an apology is necessary but I also think OP should stop the condescension towards a brother who isn’t financially dependent on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often people like this are mentally ill AND they have dysfunctional, overprotective parents. Their parents watch them struggle so much growing up or in young adulthood and they don’t know what to do or how to help, and they usually end up enabling or making the child feel even more helpless. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own family and it is frustrating and a little heartbreaking. 💔

Just be the bigger person Op and try to have some compassion.

Nope. The family knows how to get help. This is not the 1920s. They actively chose not to get help and keep it a big secret. It is one thing for the parents to explain to OP that her brother has struggled since childhood and has tried therapies and meds and is considered a very complex case and then OP can figure out how to share with kids so they are compassionate. It's another thing to NOT get your child help all these years or to do it in secret and gaslight the family and insist all is normal and there is nothing going on and dump the brother on OP without any explanation that there is a serious mental health issue. There is SHAME in having a struggling child and not getting help for that child and thinking you can dump the problem on your other children. OPs parents can even set up boundaries now with the brother and they can get their own therapy for ideas on how to have boundaries and what to say to other adult children about the situation.

How do you force an adult to get help? Have you any experience with this?

You get them help as a child. Once you have an adult you get your own professional help to figure out what boundaries to set. If you let someone live rent free, you have parameters they are capable of with whatever disability. Chores in the house. Trying out several therapists and choosing one. Getting a psychiatric evaluation. As far as we know this family did NOTHING all these years. If they did try to get help, then work with a therapist to figure out how to share his issues with OP so it isn't, this whole pretending nothing is wrong. The fact the mom sends an adult son with loads of laundry to OP and things OP is going to accommodate that is insane. He clearly isn't physically disabled. An intellectually disabled person can do laundry. A mentally ill person can do laundry. If there is some issue that keeps him from being able to do his own darn laundry, it needs to be shared.

No his personal information does not have to be shared with a sister he isn’t even that close to! OP rightfully stopped the laundry issue on her own as well she should have.

Her brother’s financial dependence on his parents is between them and is their issue to resolve. Unless brother is asking OP for money or long term care, none of this if her business. She just doesn’t like that he doesn’t work and she is entitled to that opinion but that’s all it is.

This dude rolled up with his dirty drawers for his sister to launder, he feels plenty close. He doesn't want to work, his parents won't hold him accountable/get him help and his sister isn't there for it. And his nephew knows it's bonkers. All those things CAN be true!

THIS. they don't get to admonish OP for allowing a kid to ask to ask a NORMAL question. If they shared with OP he is disabled and getting help, she could explain that to her kids in advance in a developmentally appropriate way. It's not OK to pretend everything is OK when it isn't and the kids NOTICE. OP did nothing wrong. She doesn't need to have empathy for someone who has no diagnosis and expects her to do his dirty laundry. This is the parent's problem. All OP can do is refuse to get drawn into this dysfunction. If she finds out her brother understands he has a problem and is getting help then cheer him on, but enabling is not needed.

If a 7 yr old allowed to judge and admonish an adult, so can OP be admonished for her kids behavior. It goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often people like this are mentally ill AND they have dysfunctional, overprotective parents. Their parents watch them struggle so much growing up or in young adulthood and they don’t know what to do or how to help, and they usually end up enabling or making the child feel even more helpless. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own family and it is frustrating and a little heartbreaking. 💔

Just be the bigger person Op and try to have some compassion.

Nope. The family knows how to get help. This is not the 1920s. They actively chose not to get help and keep it a big secret. It is one thing for the parents to explain to OP that her brother has struggled since childhood and has tried therapies and meds and is considered a very complex case and then OP can figure out how to share with kids so they are compassionate. It's another thing to NOT get your child help all these years or to do it in secret and gaslight the family and insist all is normal and there is nothing going on and dump the brother on OP without any explanation that there is a serious mental health issue. There is SHAME in having a struggling child and not getting help for that child and thinking you can dump the problem on your other children. OPs parents can even set up boundaries now with the brother and they can get their own therapy for ideas on how to have boundaries and what to say to other adult children about the situation.

How do you force an adult to get help? Have you any experience with this?

You get them help as a child. Once you have an adult you get your own professional help to figure out what boundaries to set. If you let someone live rent free, you have parameters they are capable of with whatever disability. Chores in the house. Trying out several therapists and choosing one. Getting a psychiatric evaluation. As far as we know this family did NOTHING all these years. If they did try to get help, then work with a therapist to figure out how to share his issues with OP so it isn't, this whole pretending nothing is wrong. The fact the mom sends an adult son with loads of laundry to OP and things OP is going to accommodate that is insane. He clearly isn't physically disabled. An intellectually disabled person can do laundry. A mentally ill person can do laundry. If there is some issue that keeps him from being able to do his own darn laundry, it needs to be shared.

No his personal information does not have to be shared with a sister he isn’t even that close to! OP rightfully stopped the laundry issue on her own as well she should have.

Her brother’s financial dependence on his parents is between them and is their issue to resolve. Unless brother is asking OP for money or long term care, none of this if her business. She just doesn’t like that he doesn’t work and she is entitled to that opinion but that’s all it is.

This dude rolled up with his dirty drawers for his sister to launder, he feels plenty close. He doesn't want to work, his parents won't hold him accountable/get him help and his sister isn't there for it. And his nephew knows it's bonkers. All those things CAN be true!

THIS. they don't get to admonish OP for allowing a kid to ask to ask a NORMAL question. If they shared with OP he is disabled and getting help, she could explain that to her kids in advance in a developmentally appropriate way. It's not OK to pretend everything is OK when it isn't and the kids NOTICE. OP did nothing wrong. She doesn't need to have empathy for someone who has no diagnosis and expects her to do his dirty laundry. This is the parent's problem. All OP can do is refuse to get drawn into this dysfunction. If she finds out her brother understands he has a problem and is getting help then cheer him on, but enabling is not needed.

If a 7 yr old allowed to judge and admonish an adult, so can OP be admonished for her kids behavior. It goes both ways.

The 7YO wasn't judging and admonishing an adult. He was asking questions that made his uncle uncomfortable because the uncle is used to people pretending that everything is fine, his behavior is fine, this is all normal.

I once read that you shouldn't tell kids you work because that's how you get money; supposedly, that makes kids worry that if you lose your job, the family will immediately be out on the street and starving. What you're supposed to do, the article said, was talk about how your job helps people: "I help sick people get better," "I make sure that people are treated fairly," and so on.

So when one of my kids, who idolized a kid with a SAHM, asked why I didn't stay home, I explained how I helped people. And then he wanted to know why they needed that help. And then he wanted to know what would happen if I didn't help them. And then he wanted to know why someone else couldn't help them. He was 5, possibly 6.

And he's now a responsible adult who minds his own business, but I am surprised when kids DON'T have a fistful of follow-up questions. They're supposed to be curious.

The answer to Richard Scarry's What Do People Do All Day? wasn't "Never you mind, nosy"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Your son did nothing wrong.
2. You were right to put a stop to the interrogation. You did nothing wrong.
3. You were right to say what you did to your parents. You did nothing wrong.

Most people like your brother have undiagnosed, untreated, mental health disorders. They are too old to change much, unfortunately. The most common disorder is autism, which comes with all sorts of executive function issues, mental rigidity, social anxiety and OCD. Usually it's one of the latter symptoms that people see. ADHD and anxiety can be medicated, but autism needs to be addressed behaviorally from a young age, because there's no medication and you can only build social skills and life habits, not change the underlying neurodivergence. If your brother is also tired, maybe he has a physical condition, such as sleep apnea. He should consult his doctor, if he can be persuaded to do so.

YOur 7 year old did nothing wrong. Your brother needs to stop being butt hurt about what a 7 year old says, and maybe actually listen to the 7 yr old. Kids will call it as they see it. Hmmmm, my parents are adults and they work, why doesnt my uncle? It's not that hard.

If the brother has mental health issues, your parents aren't doing any favors to him by not stepping in and doing something about it. All they are doing is perpetuating the fragility and when your parents are gone, guess who will be expected to fix it? You. And noone is going to have the capacity to hear "i told you so" from you, even though you are right

OP, and you, have no idea what their dynamic is or what they are doing to help their son. Yes, some parents are enabling and allow adult children to mooch off them. Others are working privately to encourage therapy or medication (potentially meeting resistance, so a work in progress) or gaining government assistance etc etc. The issue here is that OP is completely disconnected from her brother by her own admission so she doesn’t really know. All she knows is that he gets financial assistance from her parents and doesn’t work.

Do you know what happens to parents whose adult sons dont work and the parents keep enabling and supporting the son and his entire family? The adult son loses his home. Ask me how I know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often people like this are mentally ill AND they have dysfunctional, overprotective parents. Their parents watch them struggle so much growing up or in young adulthood and they don’t know what to do or how to help, and they usually end up enabling or making the child feel even more helpless. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own family and it is frustrating and a little heartbreaking. 💔

Just be the bigger person Op and try to have some compassion.

Nope. The family knows how to get help. This is not the 1920s. They actively chose not to get help and keep it a big secret. It is one thing for the parents to explain to OP that her brother has struggled since childhood and has tried therapies and meds and is considered a very complex case and then OP can figure out how to share with kids so they are compassionate. It's another thing to NOT get your child help all these years or to do it in secret and gaslight the family and insist all is normal and there is nothing going on and dump the brother on OP without any explanation that there is a serious mental health issue. There is SHAME in having a struggling child and not getting help for that child and thinking you can dump the problem on your other children. OPs parents can even set up boundaries now with the brother and they can get their own therapy for ideas on how to have boundaries and what to say to other adult children about the situation.

How do you force an adult to get help? Have you any experience with this?

You get them help as a child. Once you have an adult you get your own professional help to figure out what boundaries to set. If you let someone live rent free, you have parameters they are capable of with whatever disability. Chores in the house. Trying out several therapists and choosing one. Getting a psychiatric evaluation. As far as we know this family did NOTHING all these years. If they did try to get help, then work with a therapist to figure out how to share his issues with OP so it isn't, this whole pretending nothing is wrong. The fact the mom sends an adult son with loads of laundry to OP and things OP is going to accommodate that is insane. He clearly isn't physically disabled. An intellectually disabled person can do laundry. A mentally ill person can do laundry. If there is some issue that keeps him from being able to do his own darn laundry, it needs to be shared.

No his personal information does not have to be shared with a sister he isn’t even that close to! OP rightfully stopped the laundry issue on her own as well she should have.

Her brother’s financial dependence on his parents is between them and is their issue to resolve. Unless brother is asking OP for money or long term care, none of this if her business. She just doesn’t like that he doesn’t work and she is entitled to that opinion but that’s all it is.

This dude rolled up with his dirty drawers for his sister to launder, he feels plenty close. He doesn't want to work, his parents won't hold him accountable/get him help and his sister isn't there for it. And his nephew knows it's bonkers. All those things CAN be true!

THIS. they don't get to admonish OP for allowing a kid to ask to ask a NORMAL question. If they shared with OP he is disabled and getting help, she could explain that to her kids in advance in a developmentally appropriate way. It's not OK to pretend everything is OK when it isn't and the kids NOTICE. OP did nothing wrong. She doesn't need to have empathy for someone who has no diagnosis and expects her to do his dirty laundry. This is the parent's problem. All OP can do is refuse to get drawn into this dysfunction. If she finds out her brother understands he has a problem and is getting help then cheer him on, but enabling is not needed.

If a 7 yr old allowed to judge and admonish an adult, so can OP be admonished for her kids behavior. It goes both ways.

The 7YO wasn't judging and admonishing an adult. He was asking questions that made his uncle uncomfortable because the uncle is used to people pretending that everything is fine, his behavior is fine, this is all normal.

I once read that you shouldn't tell kids you work because that's how you get money; supposedly, that makes kids worry that if you lose your job, the family will immediately be out on the street and starving. What you're supposed to do, the article said, was talk about how your job helps people: "I help sick people get better," "I make sure that people are treated fairly," and so on.

So when one of my kids, who idolized a kid with a SAHM, asked why I didn't stay home, I explained how I helped people. And then he wanted to know why they needed that help. And then he wanted to know what would happen if I didn't help them. And then he wanted to know why someone else couldn't help them. He was 5, possibly 6.

And he's now a responsible adult who minds his own business, but I am surprised when kids DON'T have a fistful of follow-up questions. They're supposed to be curious.

The answer to Richard Scarry's What Do People Do All Day? wasn't "Never you mind, nosy"

OP said he shamed his uncle. It's right there. That's not appropriate. And OP is mad she got called out for it. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Your son did nothing wrong.
2. You were right to put a stop to the interrogation. You did nothing wrong.
3. You were right to say what you did to your parents. You did nothing wrong.

Most people like your brother have undiagnosed, untreated, mental health disorders. They are too old to change much, unfortunately. The most common disorder is autism, which comes with all sorts of executive function issues, mental rigidity, social anxiety and OCD. Usually it's one of the latter symptoms that people see. ADHD and anxiety can be medicated, but autism needs to be addressed behaviorally from a young age, because there's no medication and you can only build social skills and life habits, not change the underlying neurodivergence. If your brother is also tired, maybe he has a physical condition, such as sleep apnea. He should consult his doctor, if he can be persuaded to do so.

YOur 7 year old did nothing wrong. Your brother needs to stop being butt hurt about what a 7 year old says, and maybe actually listen to the 7 yr old. Kids will call it as they see it. Hmmmm, my parents are adults and they work, why doesnt my uncle? It's not that hard.

If the brother has mental health issues, your parents aren't doing any favors to him by not stepping in and doing something about it. All they are doing is perpetuating the fragility and when your parents are gone, guess who will be expected to fix it? You. And noone is going to have the capacity to hear "i told you so" from you, even though you are right

OP, and you, have no idea what their dynamic is or what they are doing to help their son. Yes, some parents are enabling and allow adult children to mooch off them. Others are working privately to encourage therapy or medication (potentially meeting resistance, so a work in progress) or gaining government assistance etc etc. The issue here is that OP is completely disconnected from her brother by her own admission so she doesn’t really know. All she knows is that he gets financial assistance from her parents and doesn’t work.

Do you know what happens to parents whose adult sons dont work and the parents keep enabling and supporting the son and his entire family? The adult son loses his home. Ask me how I know

Or, the parents will just buy the adult son his very own condo and pay the bills because it's better than being on the streets. Ask me how I know. OP isn't going to win this battle.