Reply to Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents

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Reply to "Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It is totally fine for a kid to ask questions. You’re right that shame comes from the recipient. Your son was not shaming him. Your son apologizing is out of the question. I would never want to teach a kid to be afraid to ask questions.

In the interest of good relations with your family, it might be worth all the adults talking together. In your case I’d relay exactly what happened and say - what would you have done differently here? [/quote]

I think this advice works in healthy families. Having a family likely like OPs with denial and dysfunction, the parents feel shame and need to get rid of the feeling immediately. It is easier to shame dump on the healthy one and tell her she needs to make her kid apologize then to deal with the shame that things are not normal. My mother's reaction to my sister's mood swings is to try to get me to fix it and dump. It's a quicker fix to try to force me to bend to the will of someone unstable than it is to finally accept she has been enabling and hiding mental illness for decades and to finally get a diagnosis and help.

I caution OP to be prepared that having normal, health conversations and boundaries could send the whole system into chaos and make her the scapegoat. I have been there and it was worth it to protect my kids and force the sibling to get help. However, it was painful. You tell a therapist and it is clear as day the family is dysfunctional and something is deeply unhealthy with the sibling, but yet you become evil, selfish, despicable for finally saying that you won't play the game anymore.[/quote]

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