My 39 y.o. gym trainer is looking for a husband, with no success on dating apps

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I still want to know what “almost white” means. I think I may be almost white and want to know if actual humans use that description when they talk or think about me. 😂

OP here. "Almost white" means that she has some percentage black. Most people in Brazil are mixed race. They actually have different names for the various degrees of "mixture", not merely black/white/mulatto. Here in the US the historic names not in use anymore would have been "quadroon" (1/4 black) and "octoroon" (1/8 black).

White people of DCUM: have you ever seen a woman with dark hair and an olive complexion and wondered if she is an octoroon? Inquiring minds want to know.

No, lol. I'm the whitest of white and have spent extensive time in Brazil and am familiar with these terms and never in my life have I thought to apply them to anyone.

Follow up: does anyone other than OP think of people with a darker complexion as “almost white?” And what was OP implying by that? That the trainer could date white guys if she wanted to because she is “passing,” so to speak? Just an incredibly weird and trolly OP.

[Anonymous]

So she wants a tall, rich, professional black man? That’s a very small, very sought after population.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If she is hooking up w/the majority of these men - then she is not giving off the impression that she is looking for something serious.

A better strategy would be to date different people w/o sleeping with them.
That will show a man that she is in it for real > not just a fun time.

I bet her prospects will go up if she starts doing that‼️

OP here. I think she is hooking up with them on the second date. But I agree, it is much too soon.

FWIW, she is from Brazil, and she is almost white. She is dating almost exclusively black guys. I'm not sure how that affects the dynamic.

Okay, you agree she is hooking up with guys too soon. So why start this thread wondering what the problem is?

No answer from op?

OP here. Of course I think that hooking up with guys on the second date makes the wrong impression on them. But I myself have not dated in 20 years, and people's attitudes may have changed.

I think that she is not enough of a catch on the dating market, because of a combination of her situation, looks and age. She looks pleasant, but not hot.

You need to be told that just because you have not in 20 years that sleeping with lots of guys on date 2 is a bad idea?

OP here. She is from a lower SE class, where people might not be as "uptight" as in mine. So no, I have not immediately identified this as the primary problem. But now that you told me, I have my answer 😉

Here ye here ye
Make room the white middle class savior!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she wants a tall, rich, professional black man? That’s a very small, very sought after population.

No kidding. Godspeed.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Does she want your advice?

OP here. Yes, she is open to advice. But mostly I just wanted to vent about how sad her situation is. Some women miss their chance of finding a good husband because they don't make it a priority in their 20s.

It is not “so sad” to not find a husband.

I would never advise a young woman to make that quest her priority. Your thinking is quite dated.

100% Marriage is not the end all be all. In fact, it ruined my life. I would have been better off never marrying. I am much happier divorced

Me too! I should have adopted two foster kids and done it solo. Love and learn! I’m a great single mom but wish I hadn’t felt the pressure to marry. I chose poorly.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Does she want your advice?

OP here. Yes, she is open to advice. But mostly I just wanted to vent about how sad her situation is. Some women miss their chance of finding a good husband because they don't make it a priority in their 20s.

+1 to the other PP who said you sound smug, and, I'll add, sexist. Women in their 20s should not make "finding a good husband" a priority in their 20s. They should prioritizing selecting and getting educated for a career in their 20s - a career path that will enable themselves to buy a home, save for retirement and raise children on their own if they have to. The need for financial stability to raise kids on their own is likely to happen whether they marry or not given the divorce rate is so high.

A man is not a plan.

Respectfully, does your 39 yo trainer own their own home, have a lot of savings, have a retirement plan, and warn enough to support a child on her own? If not, she is not going to be great dating material for a lot of people. Very few men her age want to marry and be financially responsible for a second (and third) person. Families today need to have both parents working at reasonable paying jobs to not struggle.

I'm guessing the answer to all of that is no, since she went into debt to freeze her eggs. If she were more financially stable, she would have been considering having a kid on her own.

JFC, my own DD won't even be finished with her education until she is almost 28. No one her age should be prioritizing "finding a husband".

I'm not sure that I agree with this. I know that a lot of women happily find a partner in their 30s, but my friends who seem to be in the best marriages met their husbands in graduate school in their 20s. They were able to build a life together, career, finances, through their 20s and have kids when they wanted to. They didn't have to "settle," there was never a sense of panic. It may or may not have been a priority for those women but I sort of think you should date with intention in your 20s. At least that is what I plan to advise my own children.

[Anonymous]

I believe people should date with intention at all junctures.

You’re just assuming everyone’s intention is marriage.

Sometimes the intention is to live your own life for a while, explore, not commit, and that’s fine too. I encourage my kids to do that as it will make them better partners. People live too long and have too many choices in today’s world- committing for life in one’s 20s is something I’m discourage.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The problem is her. I am 46, divorced with elementary kids and have no trouble dating anyone I want age 27-50. I was married at 32, btw, and not in my 20s.

Yep. Stop with the age crap. Im im my 50s, fit and gorgeous. I have suitors - im not "hooking up" with any btw.

however the guy i have the most fun with is much much younger than me. I wont say by how much cause dcum always freaks out lol. No, he is not in his 20s!

Women who say they are gorgeous usually aren't.

Haha I get that you are trying to put me down because that's what a 'certain-type' of posters here do - but you can't get me down - because I know I am very pretty and so do those around me.

Yes I understand many people let themselves go but many do not. It's true at any age really.

I wish you could see my young bf ...damn you be even more jealous I suppose because he is SO good looking (and sweet). Again I can't prove it here but that's ok, I know the truth and I'm smiling

Don't bother trying for a mean comment back...it unnecessary and immature. Just don't bother.

Giselle Bunchen, you're on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

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I know its none of my business, it just makes me sad how a capable, kind, relatively good-looking 39 y.o. has such a low market value on the dating apps. She meets up with around 2 guys every week, some younger, some older, hooks up with most, but none seem to want to have anything to do with her after a few days.

I don't want to discourage her, so I would never tell her, but what was she thinking in the past 15 years? The same woman, 15 years younger, would be considered very desirable.

Of course she wants kids and has told me that she got into debt to get her eggs frozen.

Women's market value really decreases a lot after 30.

I am 45, married for 18 years, teenage kid, my own house, earning well, etc. I am in a very different place in life. Side remark: The funny thing is that even though I am only marginally older than her, she considers me to be a generation older.

She doesn't want to date other trainers at the gym, even though there would be good candidates.

Any advice I could offer her? I am quite pessimistic about her prospects.

You sound smug. Plenty of women find their happiness and enter into first and second marriages in their 40s and 50s

Yeah, I know a lot of people say that about late marriages. The thing is, there are also many later divorces. People at that age group tend to be set in their ways and that makes for a rocky marriage.
We all know people in that age group. Would you want to marry people so set in their ways?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe people should date with intention at all junctures.

You’re just assuming everyone’s intention is marriage.

Sometimes the intention is to live your own life for a while, explore, not commit, and that’s fine too. I encourage my kids to do that as it will make them better partners. People live too long and have too many choices in today’s world- committing for life in one’s 20s is something I’m discourage.

That's a nice idea but the biological clock does not comport.
I do know plenty of people who settled down in their 20s in successful marriages. What's great for them is their kids are out of the house by the time they reach 40s and they have a lot of time to explore, live their own life, expand their career, go for another degree, etc...

If there is something I've learned about people it's that they are very consistent. An immature 20-something will become an immature 50-something. There ARE 20-somethings out there who have an idea of what they want to do in life and where they want it to go. Not everybody is a character from SATC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is hooking up with new guys weekly she is low hanging fruit, easily picked.

This. She needs to respect herself and be discerning. No one wants to marry an easy woman but they do want to date her and have ONS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe people should date with intention at all junctures.

You’re just assuming everyone’s intention is marriage.

Sometimes the intention is to live your own life for a while, explore, not commit, and that’s fine too. I encourage my kids to do that as it will make them better partners. People live too long and have too many choices in today’s world- committing for life in one’s 20s is something I’m discourage.

That's a nice idea but the biological clock does not comport.
I do know plenty of people who settled down in their 20s in successful marriages. What's great for them is their kids are out of the house by the time they reach 40s and they have a lot of time to explore, live their own life, expand their career, go for another degree, etc...

If there is something I've learned about people it's that they are very consistent. An immature 20-something will become an immature 50-something. There ARE 20-somethings out there who have an idea of what they want to do in life and where they want it to go. Not everybody is a character from SATC.

DP. I was a very mature 20-something/ I did not believe in marriage before age 30…I thought that was a very dumb idea. I am mid 40s. Not all marriages are good: statistically I had a less than 5 percent chance of divorce. Thank God I am divorced and don’t have to be miserable the rest of my life. Marriage does not offer much to women—especially women who have good careers. In fact, it is a detriment. I have daughters. I will encourage them not to marry before 30 and to consider not marrying at all.

Women who see marriage as the penultimate goal, to me, are pathetic. Only women who can’t support themselves think like this. A man is not a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still want to know what “almost white” means. I think I may be almost white and want to know if actual humans use that description when they talk or think about me. 😂

Would Eva Longoria be considered “almost white” for an Hispanic woman? How about Rita Moreno?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:She’s 40 with no education and no financial security, but she expects more from the guy?

Of course. Women tend to have unrealistically high expectations. She probably wants him to be at least 6' tall too.

OP here. Yes, she does want the tall guys! So funny, because she is tiny.

Since I am 5'10", I wanted to say something nice and told her that at least she has a larger pool of guys who are taller than she is. Her reaction: "I don't want the short guys either!"

Men tend to pick taller women for marriage as well. 5.5-5.8 is best height for women

OP is a real insecure biatch. Whose husband is probably cheating on her smug self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…almost white?

Now OP’s added racism. Charmer.