I have boys. Will I ever see them when I'm older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mom myself to all boys (3 of them), I do think this is true. Yes, there are exceptions, but in general I think the wife’s family gets priority. So if my sons all get married, and all choose women, I do worry I won’t see them that often.

If you raise them to know how to use a calendar and a phone, this won’t be a problem…IF they care about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a mom of three boys that's intentionally building seasonal vacation traditions in hopes that the boys will want to continue this tradition when they are adults. Seems like a good strategy, along with generally investing in good relationships all along.

LOL! What could possibly go wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation is so full of stereotypes.
Yes, it can happen I guess, but if you pursue healthy adult relationships with all of your children I can't imagine why it would be particularly likely.

As for the idea that the wife's family "gets priority" by default ... I'm a wife, and I can't even imagine trying to sell my husband on that.

It’s full of stereotypes that are true. Since the beginning of time. It’s even in the Bible. Yes there are exceptions but I wouldn’t count on being the exception to the rule.

Except that the wife’s mom will likely be more involved post childbirth and therefore have more access to grandkids. She’s more family and will be more welcome in the home.

The wife will control the social calendar and dictate a lot of family events. She will be the one inviting others to the events. She will be planning the dates, food etc. Yes, there are men who help and are equal partners but the wife still typically is in charge.

Just like your son’s future employer will have control other him and dictate parts of his life, so will his wife. The average man can’t juggle mommy AND a wife. And the wife has sex with the husband. Not the mom. You’ll be kicked to the curb and a second class citizen compared to the wife’s family. Most of the time.

Just noting that history and the Bible are both full of examples of women being expected to become part of their husband’s family and leave their family of origin behind.

[Anonymous]

The correct answer is it depends. I see my husband’s parents very often.

[Anonymous]

I see my in-laws quite a bit. But I don’t really enjoy them. They are anxious and self centered, but not toxic.

What I’ve learned from them is how much guilt does NOT improve relationships. It makes spending time with them painful. They want to lecture us and treat us like kids (we are in our lates 40s!). So, I’m more worried about how I’ll win over my kid’s eventual partners so that they enjoy spending time with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure both you and your DH model the behavior you hope to see in the future.
My DH will say he is close to his family, but literally ALL communication with them falls to me. Planning travel, mailing cards and gifts, arranging FaceTime for our 2 young DDs, even texting pictures of the girls to their grandparents. He makes very little effort at all to maintain regular contact, but he complains when we don’t see them or if we miss a birthday, etc.
I take it on myself to manage the relationship with his side of the family because I was raised that family is important and effort should be made to maintain those bonds. Plus, I genuinely like his family. His brother is the exact same…all responsibility for maintaining a relationship with the family falls on his wife.

Stop acting like you are a victim when you are a volunteer

Where did I say I was a victim?

When you say things “fall to you,” and that’s not true.

1) Nobody has to do that labor
2) If you think someone should do it, you can tell him directly you think he needs to do it
3) But if you decide to do it, it doesn’t “fall” to you. You picked it up. Own that.

If no one does that labor, it doesn't happen. He isn't going to do it and has no interest in doing it, so I do it.
Falls to me = I picked it up, yes...because I think, barring abuse or other extenuating circumstances, an effort should be made for children to know both sides of the family. And you better believe I own that, yes.
Why are you so angry about that?

Why do you “know better” than him as to whether or not HE should have a relationship with them, or what that should look like? He chooses not to deal with them at that level. That doesn’t mean you are “right” when you decide what THEIR relationship SHOULD look like. It just means you are a steamrolling nag who has decided that you know best and he’s not capable of deciding what his own relationships should be like.

No, you misunderstood. He absolutely WANTS the relationship with his family. He just doesn't want to put in the work to manage it himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The essential problem is that boys’ relationships with their moms look different from the mom’s perspective vs. the wife’s perspective: what to the mom is a good, loving, and present son is often seen and characterized as an overly enmeshed momma’s boy by the wife. And vice versa.

A lot of wives who are super close to their own moms aren’t comfortable with their husbands being similarly close to the MIL. Wives don’t really believe that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, unless it’s to their advantage.

Because the sons are very close to their dads!! Why does it only count for boys to be close to their moms? My dh is very close to his dad, but his mom complains she doesn't get enough attention. They go on guys trips often and he always wants to spend Father's Day with his dad. When I spend mother's day with my mom, there's complaining.

Oh wow you’re especially clueless if you think a mother/daughter relationship is = to a father/son one. There are plenty of sons who call their parents 1x a week if they are lucky. Many of my friends didn’t know their son even had a GF until it was serious. A mother will typically know when a daughter has a first date and how it went.

Boys leave the nest and find a new woman to take care of them.

I do think some of the insistence this isn’t normal is that it’s difficult to admit there are pros/cons to everything and this is a major downside of having sons.

DP. No, this is on the parents if their grown sons don't like talking to them. Just like it was on my mom that of all of our parents (mine and DH's), she was by far my least favorite and the one I was least likely to talk to about anything. (Strong mother-daughter bonds aren't guaranteed either.)

Look, I get that there are trends. Studies have shown that relationships are typically stronger when they run through women (maternal grandparents, maternal cousins, especially mother's aunt's children, etc.). Of course there's something to what people have noticed. The mistake is to act like this is fate. There are clearly many exceptions to the trend and the key is to cultivate non-toxic strong relationships with your children. Not just that, but teach boys to invest in family and home.

Just being present and nonjudgmental can go such a long way. My in-laws have 3 sons. They have great relationships with two DILs, including me. There is one weaker relationship and for sure that is the marriage/family that looks a little bit like the pattern noted in this thread -- they live near the wife's family and don't travel to see the husband's side of the family that much. But my in-laws go there. They visit frequently, they get separate accommodation most of the time. They never judge anything they do. My MIL is 100% their son's favorite grandparent, although all 4 are great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see my in-laws quite a bit. But I don’t really enjoy them. They are anxious and self centered, but not toxic.

What I’ve learned from them is how much guilt does NOT improve relationships. It makes spending time with them painful. They want to lecture us and treat us like kids (we are in our lates 40s!). So, I’m more worried about how I’ll win over my kid’s eventual partners so that they enjoy spending time with me.

I actually think this is what makes my in-laws great. They (especially my MIL) put up with a lot of challenges from both sets of parents -- I think my MIL's MIL was pretty toxic, actually. They spent a lot of time thinking about the kinds of parents/in-laws they did not want to be. They have their foibles of course but they do work hard to build relationships with all of their children-in-law and they self-conscious about not wanting to make themselves obnoxious.

My parents have never been like this. I love my family but they're not introspective at all -- and their relationship with DH is definitely tougher than mine is with his family. I do have a good relationship with them, but I look to my in-laws as much more of a model for how to interact with adult children and their partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see my in-laws quite a bit. But I don’t really enjoy them. They are anxious and self centered, but not toxic.

What I’ve learned from them is how much guilt does NOT improve relationships. It makes spending time with them painful. They want to lecture us and treat us like kids (we are in our lates 40s!). So, I’m more worried about how I’ll win over my kid’s eventual partners so that they enjoy spending time with me.

How is this not toxic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I only had boys I would invest in a kick-was vacation home. There’s zero you can do to overcome the kind of help a woman’s mom gives them for free, but you can bankroll other things.

That’s what we did, bought a ski house so our sons visit with their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I only had boys I would invest in a kick-was vacation home. There’s zero you can do to overcome the kind of help a woman’s mom gives them for free, but you can bankroll other things.

That’s what we did, bought a ski house so our sons visit with their families.

My DH's parents are divorced and my MIL has an incredible beach house where she spends a few months per year. We visit all the time and I take the kids without DH when his work is too busy - so I co-sign this strategy

[Anonymous]

We see my MIL all the time. She chose to move close to us and makes it a point to come see us. My kids adore her, I love her, and my husband makes it a point to take her to lunch a few times a month because it's easy to do. I also think my MIL loves me more than my husband, so I guess we have that going for us, too.

My mom lives a plane ride away so we only see her a few times a year.

[Anonymous]

Don't be a MIL who thinks the son/wife should always come to you. Be helpful but don't give advice unless asked. Visit on their terms, don't overstay your welcome. Don't guilt trip them.

[Anonymous]

My late mother had five sons, four who lived within an hour or so. My brothers saw her a lot and my SILs all loved her. The year before she died my brother who lived 1000 miles away would fly in once a month just to have lunch with her and then fly home.

[Anonymous]

Just be kind and non judgmental and positive. We all dread seeing my in-laws who are mean and judgy.