I have boys. Will I ever see them when I'm older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The essential problem is that boys’ relationships with their moms look different from the mom’s perspective vs. the wife’s perspective: what to the mom is a good, loving, and present son is often seen and characterized as an overly enmeshed momma’s boy by the wife. And vice versa.

A lot of wives who are super close to their own moms aren’t comfortable with their husbands being similarly close to the MIL. Wives don’t really believe that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, unless it’s to their advantage.

Because the sons are very close to their dads!! Why does it only count for boys to be close to their moms? My dh is very close to his dad, but his mom complains she doesn't get enough attention. They go on guys trips often and he always wants to spend Father's Day with his dad. When I spend mother's day with my mom, there's complaining.

[Anonymous]

yes, OP, it's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure both you and your DH model the behavior you hope to see in the future.
My DH will say he is close to his family, but literally ALL communication with them falls to me. Planning travel, mailing cards and gifts, arranging FaceTime for our 2 young DDs, even texting pictures of the girls to their grandparents. He makes very little effort at all to maintain regular contact, but he complains when we don’t see them or if we miss a birthday, etc.
I take it on myself to manage the relationship with his side of the family because I was raised that family is important and effort should be made to maintain those bonds. Plus, I genuinely like his family. His brother is the exact same…all responsibility for maintaining a relationship with the family falls on his wife.

Stop acting like you are a victim when you are a volunteer

Where did I say I was a victim?

When you say things “fall to you,” and that’s not true.

1) Nobody has to do that labor
2) If you think someone should do it, you can tell him directly you think he needs to do it
3) But if you decide to do it, it doesn’t “fall” to you. You picked it up. Own that.

If no one does that labor, it doesn't happen. He isn't going to do it and has no interest in doing it, so I do it.
Falls to me = I picked it up, yes...because I think, barring abuse or other extenuating circumstances, an effort should be made for children to know both sides of the family. And you better believe I own that, yes.
Why are you so angry about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure both you and your DH model the behavior you hope to see in the future.
My DH will say he is close to his family, but literally ALL communication with them falls to me. Planning travel, mailing cards and gifts, arranging FaceTime for our 2 young DDs, even texting pictures of the girls to their grandparents. He makes very little effort at all to maintain regular contact, but he complains when we don’t see them or if we miss a birthday, etc.
I take it on myself to manage the relationship with his side of the family because I was raised that family is important and effort should be made to maintain those bonds. Plus, I genuinely like his family. His brother is the exact same…all responsibility for maintaining a relationship with the family falls on his wife.

Stop acting like you are a victim when you are a volunteer

Where did I say I was a victim?

When you say things “fall to you,” and that’s not true.

1) Nobody has to do that labor
2) If you think someone should do it, you can tell him directly you think he needs to do it
3) But if you decide to do it, it doesn’t “fall” to you. You picked it up. Own that.

If no one does that labor, it doesn't happen. He isn't going to do it and has no interest in doing it, so I do it.
Falls to me = I picked it up, yes...because I think, barring abuse or other extenuating circumstances, an effort should be made for children to know both sides of the family. And you better believe I own that, yes.
Why are you so angry about that?

DP. Angry?

[Anonymous]

I'm not close to my MIL. She's a very difficult woman. However, I do have strong family values and it is important to my husband that his kids have a relationship with his family and that he sees his mom. My position is that he plans everything for his side of the family as I do for mine - travel, gifts, etc. My husband is family oriented, because his mom was a good mother. Difficult people can still be good mothers, grandmothers, and even MILs to some degree. We spent equal time with both families.

My advice - be kind to your boys - you will reap what you sow. And always be kind to the mother of your grandchildren! She is passing on your family values too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure both you and your DH model the behavior you hope to see in the future.
My DH will say he is close to his family, but literally ALL communication with them falls to me. Planning travel, mailing cards and gifts, arranging FaceTime for our 2 young DDs, even texting pictures of the girls to their grandparents. He makes very little effort at all to maintain regular contact, but he complains when we don’t see them or if we miss a birthday, etc.
I take it on myself to manage the relationship with his side of the family because I was raised that family is important and effort should be made to maintain those bonds. Plus, I genuinely like his family. His brother is the exact same…all responsibility for maintaining a relationship with the family falls on his wife.

Stop acting like you are a victim when you are a volunteer

Where did I say I was a victim?

When you say things “fall to you,” and that’s not true.

1) Nobody has to do that labor
2) If you think someone should do it, you can tell him directly you think he needs to do it
3) But if you decide to do it, it doesn’t “fall” to you. You picked it up. Own that.

If no one does that labor, it doesn't happen. He isn't going to do it and has no interest in doing it, so I do it.
Falls to me = I picked it up, yes...because I think, barring abuse or other extenuating circumstances, an effort should be made for children to know both sides of the family. And you better believe I own that, yes.
Why are you so angry about that?

Why do you “know better” than him as to whether or not HE should have a relationship with them, or what that should look like? He chooses not to deal with them at that level. That doesn’t mean you are “right” when you decide what THEIR relationship SHOULD look like. It just means you are a steamrolling nag who has decided that you know best and he’s not capable of deciding what his own relationships should be like.

[Anonymous]

As a mom myself to all boys (3 of them), I do think this is true. Yes, there are exceptions, but in general I think the wife’s family gets priority. So if my sons all get married, and all choose women, I do worry I won’t see them that often.

[Anonymous]

This whole conversation is so full of stereotypes.
Yes, it can happen I guess, but if you pursue healthy adult relationships with all of your children I can't imagine why it would be particularly likely.

As for the idea that the wife's family "gets priority" by default ... I'm a wife, and I can't even imagine trying to sell my husband on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation is so full of stereotypes.
Yes, it can happen I guess, but if you pursue healthy adult relationships with all of your children I can't imagine why it would be particularly likely.

As for the idea that the wife's family "gets priority" by default ... I'm a wife, and I can't even imagine trying to sell my husband on that.

It’s full of stereotypes that are true. Since the beginning of time. It’s even in the Bible. Yes there are exceptions but I wouldn’t count on being the exception to the rule.

Except that the wife’s mom will likely be more involved post childbirth and therefore have more access to grandkids. She’s more family and will be more welcome in the home.

The wife will control the social calendar and dictate a lot of family events. She will be the one inviting others to the events. She will be planning the dates, food etc. Yes, there are men who help and are equal partners but the wife still typically is in charge.

Just like your son’s future employer will have control other him and dictate parts of his life, so will his wife. The average man can’t juggle mommy AND a wife. And the wife has sex with the husband. Not the mom. You’ll be kicked to the curb and a second class citizen compared to the wife’s family. Most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation is so full of stereotypes.
Yes, it can happen I guess, but if you pursue healthy adult relationships with all of your children I can't imagine why it would be particularly likely.

As for the idea that the wife's family "gets priority" by default ... I'm a wife, and I can't even imagine trying to sell my husband on that.

Because it’s so deeply engrained you can’t even recognize it. Also your kids come from YOU. It’s basic biology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation is so full of stereotypes.
Yes, it can happen I guess, but if you pursue healthy adult relationships with all of your children I can't imagine why it would be particularly likely.

As for the idea that the wife's family "gets priority" by default ... I'm a wife, and I can't even imagine trying to sell my husband on that.

It’s full of stereotypes that are true. Since the beginning of time. It’s even in the Bible. Yes there are exceptions but I wouldn’t count on being the exception to the rule.

Except that the wife’s mom will likely be more involved post childbirth and therefore have more access to grandkids. She’s more family and will be more welcome in the home.

The wife will control the social calendar and dictate a lot of family events. She will be the one inviting others to the events. She will be planning the dates, food etc. Yes, there are men who help and are equal partners but the wife still typically is in charge.

Just like your son’s future employer will have control other him and dictate parts of his life, so will his wife. The average man can’t juggle mommy AND a wife. And the wife has sex with the husband. Not the mom. You’ll be kicked to the curb and a second class citizen compared to the wife’s family. Most of the time.

I am sure stereotypes are based on common patterns, but they don't resonate with my experience -- not my current family I've created with my husband, not my family I was raised in, not my in-laws. Doesn't sound like my friends or cousin's family either. It is possible to escape this pattern.

I have never considered my parents more family than my parents in law....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation is so full of stereotypes.
Yes, it can happen I guess, but if you pursue healthy adult relationships with all of your children I can't imagine why it would be particularly likely.

As for the idea that the wife's family "gets priority" by default ... I'm a wife, and I can't even imagine trying to sell my husband on that.

Because it’s so deeply engrained you can’t even recognize it. Also your kids come from YOU. It’s basic biology.

This isn't what my family looks like. It isn't how we operate. We prioritize my husband's family a ton. He's super close with them and I adore them all.

[Anonymous]

I know a mom of three boys that's intentionally building seasonal vacation traditions in hopes that the boys will want to continue this tradition when they are adults. Seems like a good strategy, along with generally investing in good relationships all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The essential problem is that boys’ relationships with their moms look different from the mom’s perspective vs. the wife’s perspective: what to the mom is a good, loving, and present son is often seen and characterized as an overly enmeshed momma’s boy by the wife. And vice versa.

A lot of wives who are super close to their own moms aren’t comfortable with their husbands being similarly close to the MIL. Wives don’t really believe that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, unless it’s to their advantage.

Because the sons are very close to their dads!! Why does it only count for boys to be close to their moms? My dh is very close to his dad, but his mom complains she doesn't get enough attention. They go on guys trips often and he always wants to spend Father's Day with his dad. When I spend mother's day with my mom, there's complaining.

Oh wow you’re especially clueless if you think a mother/daughter relationship is = to a father/son one. There are plenty of sons who call their parents 1x a week if they are lucky. Many of my friends didn’t know their son even had a GF until it was serious. A mother will typically know when a daughter has a first date and how it went.

Boys leave the nest and find a new woman to take care of them.

I do think some of the insistence this isn’t normal is that it’s difficult to admit there are pros/cons to everything and this is a major downside of having sons.

[Anonymous]

If you are someone they want to see, of course you’ll still see them!

But if you think they are obligated to spend time with you no matter how you treat them or their partners, then yeah, you might be lonely.