I have boys. Will I ever see them when I'm older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This worries me and somedays I pray my son is gay. I see all around it's all about what the DIL wants they have access to manipulate and influence relations.

It's so sad

And here is exhibit #1 for why some women don't see their married sons much.

PP, the problem is not the DIL. It's you.

You are in denial if you think it's not the DIL calling the shots on this in most marriages.

I call the shots about my in-laws coming over but not about dh seeing in-laws. He could see them every day if he liked!

[Anonymous]

I actually spend more time worrying about having good relationships with my daughters since I had a bad relationship with my mom and don’t know many women (well) who do have good relationships with their moms. I believe the “son problem” described here is real and can happen but it hasn’t happened in my family or circles. I think negative relationship patterns are real but not inevitable. Learned behavior can be a big threat, so if you’re seeing a worrying pattern in the relationships around you, yes you should try to address it in your own relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This worries me and somedays I pray my son is gay. I see all around it's all about what the DIL wants they have access to manipulate and influence relations.

It's so sad

And here is exhibit #1 for why some women don't see their married sons much.

PP, the problem is not the DIL. It's you.

You are in denial if you think it's not the DIL calling the shots on this in most marriages.

I call the shots about my in-laws coming over but not about dh seeing in-laws. He could see them every day if he liked!

NP. My DH and I decide TOGETHER who visits our home, when and for how long. But that being said, yes, he could see ILs a lot more if he wanted to, either on his own or with the kids. He doesn’t have tons of interest in seeing them. Maybe because they are quite stifling, overbearing, intrusive, nagging, etc. If they didn’t pry and try to exert so much control, he might enjoy their company. I think a lot of older adults are clueless about the fact that the more they try to guilt, whine, have everything be their way, the less their adult children will want to see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The odds are not great but I do know families who buck this general rule. Prob best chances are if your son marries someone who isn’t close with her family/whose family s*cks

Or if OP is rich and has a nice house and takes them on nice vacations etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you modeled making an effort to see your husband’s family?

How would that impact her sons’ future wives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I only had boys I would invest in a kick-was vacation home. There’s zero you can do to overcome the kind of help a woman’s mom gives them for free, but you can bankroll other things.

That’s what we did, bought a ski house so our sons visit with their families.

Good luck with that. You should have purchased a ski house to enjoy, and to INVITE people to enjoy with you, with no pressure, guilt or expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'll probably see more of them if they are gay than if they have a wife.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you modeled making an effort to see your husband’s family?

THIS!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My uber driver just talked at me for 20 mins about how she never sees any of her 4 sons bc they prioritize their wives families. I already have 'not having a third kid' regret and now I'm worried I'll never see them. urgh. moms of older boys - is this true?

Avoid regrets. See an IVF doctor. Most will treat an up to 55 y/o.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you modeled making an effort to see your husband’s family?

THIS!!!

Disagree, it comes down to how nice the in laws are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing it has something to do with the traditions that wives' parents pay for the weddings and that the wife's mother helps out when there is a baby.

I imagine if you don't stick to these tropes then you could have a close relationship with your adult son and his family.

But it’s not whether the MIL sticks with these tropes. It’s the DIL. And everything else being equal, most women prefer spending time with their mothers than their mother in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing it has something to do with the traditions that wives' parents pay for the weddings and that the wife's mother helps out when there is a baby.

I imagine if you don't stick to these tropes then you could have a close relationship with your adult son and his family.

But it’s not whether the MIL sticks with these tropes. It’s the DIL. And everything else being equal, most women prefer spending time with their mothers than their mother in laws.

My mom is amazing and my sil loooves her, and so does everyone else. My mil is awful and I can’t stand her, she is constantly having fights with her siblings, did with her own mil. People need to take responsibility for how they treat others, it will obviously affect dynamics and how much people want to see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You'll probably see more of them if they are gay than if they have a wife.

+100

My brother is gay, and he and his partner do see family, but they are both Just Not That Into It. They each call every now and then, but they never initiate plans, they respond when others reach out to them. They send gifts sometimes and send texts on birthdays. And you know what? That’s all fine. They are nice guys who enjoy their lives but aren’t super into spending time with family. And that’s OK and that’s their choice and that is, frankly, a valid way to live life. I really enjoy seeing my brother, and I really enjoy seeing him and his boyfriend. But I recognize that they are not going to suddenly turn into people who want to spend tons of time with me, or my parents, or my boyfriend’s family. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you modeled making an effort to see your husband’s family?

THIS!!!

Disagree, it comes down to how nice the in laws are.

NOPE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uber driver just talked at me for 20 mins about how she never sees any of her 4 sons bc they prioritize their wives families. I already have 'not having a third kid' regret and now I'm worried I'll never see them. urgh. moms of older boys - is this true?

Avoid regrets. See an IVF doctor. Most will treat an up to 55 y/o.

100%!!