How do deal with 17YO DD having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Condoms and birth control ASAP and be prepared for the whole thing to blow up spectacularly when one of them unexpectedly catches feelings. And tell her under no circumstances to send nudes because boys can’t be trusted with them.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The truth of the matter is, your morals don’t matter. Your daughter is very nearly an adult. She has her own morals and will make decisions based on them just like your adult siblings, friends and co-workers. Parents don’t get to control their teens sexual and relationship choices. Maybe you could try while she’s still under your roof, but I think you are better off beginning to shift your thinking into the supporter/cheerleader/advisor role that parents of healthy young adults play. It’s ok to recognize you wish she’d make a different choice, tell her your perspective and concerns. Then let it go. . .

Totally disagree with saying you wish you made a different choice. That's a terrible thing to say to a 17yr old that confides in their mom

No it’s not. Stop trying to be your kids’ best friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I grew up in a conservative Christian household.

I found a condom packet with a brand new one in there on the floor of the basement, where DS and his GF were hanging out. This was when they were 17. We were at home, so I know they wouldn't be dumb enough to do anything while we were there because DH or I sometimes will go down to the basement to get something. But, clearly, they were sexually active.

I wasn't sure how to react. I knew that they were fooling around, but I hadn't realized how far it had gotten. I put it in a ziploc bag, and put it on his desk while he was sat there, and told him to be more circumspect. That told him that I knew, and I also told DH. He was more accepting of it than I was.

They are both high achieving kids in a magnet program. I told him that if he got her pregnant, both their lives would be altered beyond what they could imagine. Forget about college. They'd have to dropout, get a job to support the baby.

They are now in different colleges and visit each other a lot. They are probably having sex.

All this to say, not much you can do at this point other than making damn sure that they are using protection and that they understand that no birth control is 100% fool proof, and what life would be like should she get pregnant. Even if I told DS that I was against what he was doing, that wouldn't stop him. They are, at least, very much in love, so I understand what "morals" you are coming from with your situation.

But, I've had to learn that our kids are not an extension of us. They are their own person, and they have their own moral compass. You may think that you failed at your job of not providing that moral compass that reflects your values, but at this age, independent minded teens will develop their own moral compass.

Why would you lie in this way? I mean I have no problem talking to them about the risk of pregnancy and the consequences and I would have no problem with you giving your views on what they should do if it happens, but they have the option to terminate the pregnancy or seek an adoption whether you like it or not.

It’s not like I want my teen to go out and get pregnant and have an abortion, I just don’t understand why you would say what you said.

Because it’s true. If you don’t think that going through an adoption or even an abortion at 17 would not be life altering for both of these kids, you are chugging way too much kool ade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get your feeling and I'm sorry.

oh wow another bible thumper who sets women back.

OP and her "morals" is most likely a MAGA idiot.
Shaming her own daughter is horrible.

OP is an idiot

[Anonymous]

I have friends who started having sex in high school and that was 50 years ago.

Lots of young people manage these relationships just fine.

You can't put the genie back in the bottle OP. Be smart, not emotional. Make sure she is prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get your feeling and I'm sorry.

oh wow another bible thumper who sets women back.

OP and her "morals" is most likely a MAGA idiot.
Shaming her own daughter is horrible.

OP is an idiot

Oh look, it’s the mean-spirited atheist, who spams anyone who writes “Christmas” and demands we say “holiday” in the spirit of inclusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found out that DD is having sex with a boy but they are not in a relationship since neither wants to get serious due to going away to college next year. I’m having a really hard time letting her hang out with this kid because I know they have having sex. I know they are being careful but it goes against my morals and I’m honestly just disgusted by the thought of this. How can I get over it and am I to simply allow them to hang out (Obviously not in my house)! Any advise for me?

I remember hearing someone say that parents in a more liberal country didn’t care and would let the kids do it at home because it’s safer - like, if she’s going to do it anyway wouldn’t it be safer on her home turf than drunk at a party or in the backseat of a car?

And I know for a fact when my daughter went to VT the "conservative girls" whose stupid parents had them in the no alcohol dorm those girls broke curfew and got pregnant at a rate 50% higher than the girls on the otherside of that. dorm.

Yeah fact. My kid was the RA for both ends of that dorm.

[Anonymous]

Pretty shameful. Your kid has not been raised right. But, the good part is that you can wash your hands off of her once she turns 18.

[Anonymous]

OP says they are being safe, so the only thing I would really worry about it whether they have agreed to talk about other partners. It will hurt so badly if your DD is only having sex with this one guy cause she’s kinda into him but he’s fully playing the field. The worst would be if he decides to actually date one of his other partners and your DD will have to work through the question “why not me?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found out that DD is having sex with a boy but they are not in a relationship since neither wants to get serious due to going away to college next year. I’m having a really hard time letting her hang out with this kid because I know they have having sex. I know they are being careful but it goes against my morals and I’m honestly just disgusted by the thought of this. How can I get over it and am I to simply allow them to hang out (Obviously not in my house)! Any advise for me?

I remember hearing someone say that parents in a more liberal country didn’t care and would let the kids do it at home because it’s safer - like, if she’s going to do it anyway wouldn’t it be safer on her home turf than drunk at a party or in the backseat of a car?

And I know for a fact when my daughter went to VT the "conservative girls" whose stupid parents had them in the no alcohol dorm those girls broke curfew and got pregnant at a rate 50% higher than the girls on the otherside of that. dorm.

Yeah fact. My kid was the RA for both ends of that dorm.

There is a middle ground between being ridiculously permissive and being ridiculously strict. It definitely backfires for both ends of the extremes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found out that DD is having sex with a boy but they are not in a relationship since neither wants to get serious due to going away to college next year. I’m having a really hard time letting her hang out with this kid because I know they have having sex. I know they are being careful but it goes against my morals and I’m honestly just disgusted by the thought of this. How can I get over it and am I to simply allow them to hang out (Obviously not in my house)! Any advise for me?

Have not read replies but hopefully the need to get your daughter seen by good gynecologist to check for STDs and get IUD inserted has been mentioned.

I would also advise DD to always use condoms to protect against STDs on top of getting an IUD.

Hormonal IUDs are the number one recommendation of birth control by American pediatric association as teens often forget to take daily oral tablets.

Once health and safety needs are addressed, I would try to talk to DD about the dangers of casual sex for devaluing yourself.

What kind of sexist BS is this? Does anyone talk to teen boys about devaluing themselves? It’s 2023 and if teen girls choose to have sex with a guy and doesn’t want a serious commitment, that is OK. Can we stop shaming girls and touting guys for enjoying sex?

I mean she is off to college in 6 months. Did you all only have sex in committed relationships then? Give me a break.

NP here. None of PP’s advice is sexist. And of course I would give my sons the same advice. In fact, if the couple gets pregnant, the son has NO say in whether the child is born or not, and is financially responsible and tied to the girl for life if she gets pregnant and chooses to have the baby.

And I didn’t have sex until my mid 20s, despite having a boyfriend (now DH) when younger. There are tons of good reasons to only have sex in a committed relationship, regardless of age— risk of STDs, pregnancy risk, emotional/psychological, etc. Not everyone has embraced the “free love” mantra.

I would literally cry if I only had sex with one person.

But I love the holier than thou woman here making it seem like that is normal. It so is not.

Exactly. Quit the crap already. Sex is normal and should be enjoyed within the safe parameters

Yes. For people with fully formed brains.

Umm, teens were mommy years for more centuries than not.

A lot of less than ideal things were a reality for more centuries than not.

There’s nothing wrong with casual sex. I’ve had plenty of it. As an adult. I don’t believe that 17 year olds are capable of handling it in a healthy way. Hell, most adults aren’t handling it in a healthy way until their thirties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get your feeling and I'm sorry.

oh wow another bible thumper who sets women back.

OP and her "morals" is most likely a MAGA idiot.
Shaming her own daughter is horrible.

OP is an idiot

Pot meet kettle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found out that DD is having sex with a boy but they are not in a relationship since neither wants to get serious due to going away to college next year. I’m having a really hard time letting her hang out with this kid because I know they have having sex. I know they are being careful but it goes against my morals and I’m honestly just disgusted by the thought of this. How can I get over it and am I to simply allow them to hang out (Obviously not in my house)! Any advise for me?

I remember hearing someone say that parents in a more liberal country didn’t care and would let the kids do it at home because it’s safer - like, if she’s going to do it anyway wouldn’t it be safer on her home turf than drunk at a party or in the backseat of a car?

And I know for a fact when my daughter went to VT the "conservative girls" whose stupid parents had them in the no alcohol dorm those girls broke curfew and got pregnant at a rate 50% higher than the girls on the otherside of that. dorm.

Yeah fact. My kid was the RA for both ends of that dorm.

There is a middle ground between being ridiculously permissive and being ridiculously strict. It definitely backfires for both ends of the extremes.

This.

I’ve lived in Sweden and The Netherlands. Yes, they’re far more liberal societies. No, they are not enthusiastic about the idea of their teenaged children having casual sex.
And FYI, Italians who allow their children wine when they have some at meals are not throwing their teens keg parties like “cool” American parents.

America does have an absurdly puritanical streak which isn’t good for raising healthy children. But more liberal Americans are so cringe in the way they tout “liberal societies” because they have no idea the way they actually work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really need to get over the ridiculous misogynistic vestiges of Puritanism.

There is nothing wrong with consensual, safe sex in this kind of relationship if the level of commitment works for both people.

Exactly!

OP the fact that you are offended and disgusted speaks volumes. Why can’t the boy come over?

Sounds very mature. Most 17yr olds are having sex. I mean there are two middle school girls in my DC’s school.

Teens have sex and a lot of it. College they have even more

Not true. There are plenty who are not.

OP I agree with you. 17 is too young for this. No advice.

She is 6 months away from college where everyone is having sex. You can’t be serious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really need to get over the ridiculous misogynistic vestiges of Puritanism.

There is nothing wrong with consensual, safe sex in this kind of relationship if the level of commitment works for both people.

Exactly!

OP the fact that you are offended and disgusted speaks volumes. Why can’t the boy come over?

Sounds very mature. Most 17yr olds are having sex. I mean there are two middle school girls in my DC’s school.

Teens have sex and a lot of it. College they have even more

Not true. There are plenty who are not.

OP I agree with you. 17 is too young for this. No advice.

She is 6 months away from college where everyone is having sex. You can’t be serious

"Everyone" is not having sex in college, and certainly not the minute it starts.