What is it with people given childless couples unsolicited fertility advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP is a way oversharer and instead learning to limit the details she shares, she is blaming overs for making small talk. Get over yourself OP

OP already said she doesn't share much about her life, not sure why you'd assume that.

I once had a colleague who asked my age. As soon as I said I was 30 she told me to start thinking about kids. Also had a manager tell me that I should have children even though I told her I wasn't interested. I have a uterine malformation which is severe and unlikely to be corrected with surgery. It's painful how nosy people can be.

The OP bizarrely said she wants kids but cannot afford them at 36, which is what set this thread on fire. I have no doubt she is giving out these details casually, especially with how defensive she is about her financial logic, or she is a troll having a wonderful evening

I didn't give any details either and still got nosy colleagues reminding me of my age. You're seriously underestimating how terrible some people can be. I see nothing wrong with OPs financial logic. She sounds she wants both children and comfort, but can't have both, which is actually very common. It's hard not to be defensive when you made a decision on a topic that's painful and have people basically telling you that your decision is wrong. The only thing I hope is that nobody with similar issues ever posts here.

Dude I am a diabetic and infertile with multiple IVF rounds. I think OP detailed responses show why she is getting this advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP is a way oversharer and instead learning to limit the details she shares, she is blaming overs for making small talk. Get over yourself OP

OP already said she doesn't share much about her life, not sure why you'd assume that.

I once had a colleague who asked my age. As soon as I said I was 30 she told me to start thinking about kids. Also had a manager tell me that I should have children even though I told her I wasn't interested. I have a uterine malformation which is severe and unlikely to be corrected with surgery. It's painful how nosy people can be.

The OP bizarrely said she wants kids but cannot afford them at 36, which is what set this thread on fire. I have no doubt she is giving out these details casually, especially with how defensive she is about her financial logic, or she is a troll having a wonderful evening

I didn't give any details either and still got nosy colleagues reminding me of my age. You're seriously underestimating how terrible some people can be. I see nothing wrong with OPs financial logic. She sounds she wants both children and comfort, but can't have both, which is actually very common. It's hard not to be defensive when you made a decision on a topic that's painful and have people basically telling you that your decision is wrong. The only thing I hope is that nobody with similar issues ever posts here.

Dude I am a diabetic and infertile with multiple IVF rounds. I think OP detailed responses show why she is getting this advice

These were detailed responses on an anonymous forum. Do you also go around telling everybody about your condition to people in your life just because you just shared that with me here?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

Seems like you were triggered enough to reply and to even give me advice.

I’m not the one who started a thread on the topic luv. Just giving you some solicited advice.

Not OP, but your advice wasn't solicited at all. OP never asked if she should get pregnant., SHe already knows her answer.

But she also tells people she *wants* kids at some later point in time. At 36. And so poor she still isn’t out of the hole after 4 years of marriage beginning at 32. Her desires are incongruous with reality. Or perhaps she is not being honest with herself, because she can’t actually actively want kids and be on the path she is on.

Maybe she’s so cagey because she’s not being honest with herself. She actually doesn’t want kids, and thinks saying “she’s not financially ready” is the socially (even to herself) acceptable answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

Seems like you were triggered enough to reply and to even give me advice.

I’m not the one who started a thread on the topic luv. Just giving you some solicited advice.

Not OP, but your advice wasn't solicited at all. OP never asked if she should get pregnant., SHe already knows her answer.

But she also tells people she *wants* kids at some later point in time. At 36. And so poor she still isn’t out of the hole after 4 years of marriage beginning at 32. Her desires are incongruous with reality. Or perhaps she is not being honest with herself, because she can’t actually actively want kids and be on the path she is on.

Maybe she’s so cagey because she’s not being honest with herself. She actually doesn’t want kids, and thinks saying “she’s not financially ready” is the socially (even to herself) acceptable answer.

Even if this is all true, she's not asking for advice!

I think my friend should break up with her partner but she doesn't ask me what I think so I keep my mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

Ten pages of mostly advice to a person who made it clear that she's not looking for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

Seems like you were triggered enough to reply and to even give me advice.

I’m not the one who started a thread on the topic luv. Just giving you some solicited advice.

Not OP, but your advice wasn't solicited at all. OP never asked if she should get pregnant., SHe already knows her answer.

But she also tells people she *wants* kids at some later point in time. At 36. And so poor she still isn’t out of the hole after 4 years of marriage beginning at 32. Her desires are incongruous with reality. Or perhaps she is not being honest with herself, because she can’t actually actively want kids and be on the path she is on.

Maybe she’s so cagey because she’s not being honest with herself. She actually doesn’t want kids, and thinks saying “she’s not financially ready” is the socially (even to herself) acceptable answer.

Even if this is all true, she's not asking for advice!

I think my friend should break up with her partner but she doesn't ask me what I think so I keep my mouth shut.

A good friend will tell her friend the truth, even if it’s only one time, even if she doesn’t ask for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ten pages of mostly advice to a person who made it clear that she's not looking for advice.

Yet she posted here !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

Seems like you were triggered enough to reply and to even give me advice.

I’m not the one who started a thread on the topic luv. Just giving you some solicited advice.

Not OP, but your advice wasn't solicited at all. OP never asked if she should get pregnant., SHe already knows her answer.

But she also tells people she *wants* kids at some later point in time. At 36. And so poor she still isn’t out of the hole after 4 years of marriage beginning at 32. Her desires are incongruous with reality. Or perhaps she is not being honest with herself, because she can’t actually actively want kids and be on the path she is on.

Maybe she’s so cagey because she’s not being honest with herself. She actually doesn’t want kids, and thinks saying “she’s not financially ready” is the socially (even to herself) acceptable answer.

You seem to be living in a bubble. Most people aren't making anywhere close to a six figure income. An individual salary of less than 60K is actually average across the country. This is not a hole for most Americans, this is their reality. Wanting two things at the same time, a comfortable lifestyle and children, and not being able to have them both isn't dishonesty. She already mentioned she wants kids but is willing to risk not having them, and that the only thing she wanted to know is why people are so nosy. You are the one making assumptions about OP because you seen unable to leave your bubble or to think in a way that's not black and white, which comes as both ignorant and extremely arrogant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

Seems like you were triggered enough to reply and to even give me advice.

I’m not the one who started a thread on the topic luv. Just giving you some solicited advice.

Not OP, but your advice wasn't solicited at all. OP never asked if she should get pregnant., SHe already knows her answer.

But she also tells people she *wants* kids at some later point in time. At 36. And so poor she still isn’t out of the hole after 4 years of marriage beginning at 32. Her desires are incongruous with reality. Or perhaps she is not being honest with herself, because she can’t actually actively want kids and be on the path she is on.

Maybe she’s so cagey because she’s not being honest with herself. She actually doesn’t want kids, and thinks saying “she’s not financially ready” is the socially (even to herself) acceptable answer.

Even if this is all true, she's not asking for advice!

I think my friend should break up with her partner but she doesn't ask me what I think so I keep my mouth shut.

A good friend will tell her friend the truth, even if it’s only one time, even if she doesn’t ask for it.

There is nothing I can tell her that she doesn't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ten pages of mostly advice to a person who made it clear that she's not looking for advice.

Yet she posted here !

She posted here to ask why are people are so nosy, not whether she should wait to have children or not. People who want to know the later explicitly ask that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

Seems like you were triggered enough to reply and to even give me advice.

I’m not the one who started a thread on the topic luv. Just giving you some solicited advice.

Not OP, but your advice wasn't solicited at all. OP never asked if she should get pregnant., SHe already knows her answer.

But she also tells people she *wants* kids at some later point in time. At 36. And so poor she still isn’t out of the hole after 4 years of marriage beginning at 32. Her desires are incongruous with reality. Or perhaps she is not being honest with herself, because she can’t actually actively want kids and be on the path she is on.

Maybe she’s so cagey because she’s not being honest with herself. She actually doesn’t want kids, and thinks saying “she’s not financially ready” is the socially (even to herself) acceptable answer.

Even if this is all true, she's not asking for advice!

I think my friend should break up with her partner but she doesn't ask me what I think so I keep my mouth shut.

A good friend will tell her friend the truth, even if it’s only one time, even if she doesn’t ask for it.

A good friend also knows when to shut up.

[Anonymous]

Also fwiw, babies don’t require very much. People are obsessed thinking a baby means a big house, a car, tons of material things. The first year, the biggest expense you actually need is diapers. (Outside of childcare of course.) but people go nuts thinking they need all kinds of things they just don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

Seems like you were triggered enough to reply and to even give me advice.

I’m not the one who started a thread on the topic luv. Just giving you some solicited advice.

Not OP, but your advice wasn't solicited at all. OP never asked if she should get pregnant., SHe already knows her answer.

But she also tells people she *wants* kids at some later point in time. At 36. And so poor she still isn’t out of the hole after 4 years of marriage beginning at 32. Her desires are incongruous with reality. Or perhaps she is not being honest with herself, because she can’t actually actively want kids and be on the path she is on.

Maybe she’s so cagey because she’s not being honest with herself. She actually doesn’t want kids, and thinks saying “she’s not financially ready” is the socially (even to herself) acceptable answer.

Even if this is all true, she's not asking for advice!

I think my friend should break up with her partner but she doesn't ask me what I think so I keep my mouth shut.

A good friend will tell her friend the truth, even if it’s only one time, even if she doesn’t ask for it.

There is nothing I can tell her that she doesn't know.

According to DCUM, you should definitely give her a lecture about her uterus and reproductive choices. She might have never had mentioned wanting kids at all, but it is your duty to remind her that she is old and that if she never has kids she'll be miserable, because you just know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

Seems like you were triggered enough to reply and to even give me advice.

I’m not the one who started a thread on the topic luv. Just giving you some solicited advice.

Not OP, but your advice wasn't solicited at all. OP never asked if she should get pregnant., SHe already knows her answer.

But she also tells people she *wants* kids at some later point in time. At 36. And so poor she still isn’t out of the hole after 4 years of marriage beginning at 32. Her desires are incongruous with reality. Or perhaps she is not being honest with herself, because she can’t actually actively want kids and be on the path she is on.

Maybe she’s so cagey because she’s not being honest with herself. She actually doesn’t want kids, and thinks saying “she’s not financially ready” is the socially (even to herself) acceptable answer.

You seem to be living in a bubble. Most people aren't making anywhere close to a six figure income. An individual salary of less than 60K is actually average across the country. This is not a hole for most Americans, this is their reality. Wanting two things at the same time, a comfortable lifestyle and children, and not being able to have them both isn't dishonesty. She already mentioned she wants kids but is willing to risk not having them, and that the only thing she wanted to know is why people are so nosy. You are the one making assumptions about OP because you seen unable to leave your bubble or to think in a way that's not black and white, which comes as both ignorant and extremely arrogant.

It is when you’re 36, sorry, but it is. Of course there is nuance involved and not black and white. A 26 year old can honestly want the bolded, a 36 year old is if not dishonest, totally oblivious to the facts of the situation. And if she’s willing to take suc a huge risk, the honest answer would be that having kids isn’t all that important. Which, if it’s nobody’s business, she doesn’t have to tell. Who cares why people are nosy? You gotta deal with reality as it is.

[Anonymous]

That's what people do. If/when you get pregnant, you'll get unsolicited advice then. Look out if you have kids.

I don't know why people do it... they just do. A friend's wife shut it down at a family gathering, asking loudly "why are people so interested in my ovaries?"