What is it with people given childless couples unsolicited fertility advice?

[Anonymous]

I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

[Anonymous]

It’s small talk, honestly. People like to give advice. You shouldn’t take it so personal. We’ve been infertile for years now and people’s advice just rolls off my back like a duck at this point.

If I could give you advice, I’d tell you now is the time to think about your fertility rather than later, too. But I promise, I’m not obsessed with you.

[Anonymous]

You should feel free to be honest with them. You just aren't that passionate about having kids and that's OK.

With every year you wait it's about 60K per kid for IVF. So obviously that doesn't make the financial part of the equation any better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should feel free to be honest with them. You just aren't that passionate about having kids and that's OK.

With every year you wait it's about 60K per kid for IVF. So obviously that doesn't make the financial part of the equation any better.

This. And also depending on how you raise your kids it may not be too bad. For example, I worked really hard to get my daughter into a home day care, which saved us tons of money.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people are a$$holes.

Your current age is when I discovered how extensive this problem is. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s small talk, honestly. People like to give advice. You shouldn’t take it so personal. We’ve been infertile for years now and people’s advice just rolls off my back like a duck at this point.

If I could give you advice, I’d tell you now is the time to think about your fertility rather than later, too. But I promise, I’m not obsessed with you.

Thanks of exemplifying the kind of comments I have to deal with. I already mentioned that I'm aware how fertility might be an issue and that I might not be able to conceive at all, but you just ignored that. You might not be obsessed with me, but it's obvious that many people give me advice as if I wasn't aware of what going on in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should feel free to be honest with them. You just aren't that passionate about having kids and that's OK.

With every year you wait it's about 60K per kid for IVF. So obviously that doesn't make the financial part of the equation any better.

I'm not asking for advice on whether to have kids or not. I'm aware IVF is expensive and its completely off limits for us. Our HHI is under 100K and neither of us makes 60K a year. That's the problem. Daycare is gonna eat a huge chunk of our income and staying home is not an option for any of us unless we want to live paycheck to paycheck. That's what makes me mad about all these unsolicited fertility advice, that people give it to us when we're more aware of what's going on in our lives than they are.

[Anonymous]

So if you both make $50k and you’re in your mid-30s, I guess people think you need advice? I tried to type that in a less snarky way but that’s the heart of it. People think you don’t have your life together, even if you think you do. I’m sorry people keep talking about your fertility, though. It’s so rude and intrusive, no matter the circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should feel free to be honest with them. You just aren't that passionate about having kids and that's OK.

With every year you wait it's about 60K per kid for IVF. So obviously that doesn't make the financial part of the equation any better.

I'm not asking for advice on whether to have kids or not. I'm aware IVF is expensive and its completely off limits for us. Our HHI is under 100K and neither of us makes 60K a year. That's the problem. Daycare is gonna eat a huge chunk of our income and staying home is not an option for any of us unless we want to live paycheck to paycheck. That's what makes me mad about all these unsolicited fertility advice, that people give it to us when we're more aware of what's going on in our lives than they are.

I was a single Mom making 80K/year. When I had my child at 25 I was making 30K/year as a grad student. I wanted to be a Mom and made it work. It really wasn't that hard.

[Anonymous]

OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if you both make $50k and you’re in your mid-30s, I guess people think you need advice? I tried to type that in a less snarky way but that’s the heart of it. People think you don’t have your life together, even if you think you do. I’m sorry people keep talking about your fertility, though. It’s so rude and intrusive, no matter the circumstance.

This. Also.... I know several women that just waited until your age but acted shocked when they had problems conceiving and majorly played the victim about having to do IVF etc. I feel badly for them of course but at the same time, these were people who were married for years and chose to wait until they deemed it to be the perfect time for children. Which of course is everyone's right, but so naive to think you'll have an easy time despite the statistics otherwise. Now OP you don't seem to be in this camp but if someone was close to you I could see why they might mention it. Some people seem genuinely ignorant about the realities of conceiving. I guess maybe these 45 yo celebrities give people crazy ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if you both make $50k and you’re in your mid-30s, I guess people think you need advice? I tried to type that in a less snarky way but that’s the heart of it. People think you don’t have your life together, even if you think you do. I’m sorry people keep talking about your fertility, though. It’s so rude and intrusive, no matter the circumstance.

The median income of a 35 year old in the US is 53K. If anything, OP and her husband are just average and most likely very similar to the people giving them advice. Also, OP didn't mention anything about receiving financial advice and I really doubt that your not-so close acquaintances know her income. You sound like you just wanted to throw the comment to be snarky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you both make $50k and you’re in your mid-30s, I guess people think you need advice? I tried to type that in a less snarky way but that’s the heart of it. People think you don’t have your life together, even if you think you do. I’m sorry people keep talking about your fertility, though. It’s so rude and intrusive, no matter the circumstance.

This. Also.... I know several women that just waited until your age but acted shocked when they had problems conceiving and majorly played the victim about having to do IVF etc. I feel badly for them of course but at the same time, these were people who were married for years and chose to wait until they deemed it to be the perfect time for children. Which of course is everyone's right, but so naive to think you'll have an easy time despite the statistics otherwise. Now OP you don't seem to be in this camp but if someone was close to you I could see why they might mention it. Some people seem genuinely ignorant about the realities of conceiving. I guess maybe these 45 yo celebrities give people crazy ideas.

It's not naive. People who wait either have issues going on that you're unaware of or they're not as interested in children. The OP already said she's aware of the risk and that conceiving might be an issue. You people are the ones unable to accept that having children isn't always the best idea and that it has nothing to so with celebrities.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think what you are seeing--both IRL and this thread--is people calling bull on your "financial" reasons. To be clear... if you are ambivalent about having kids, and see yourself being 100% okay without, then that's fine, and maybe you should reframe your responses to reflect that. You keep saying "you know" but if you do, then you just saying you "get it" might be an issue is weak sauce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should feel free to be honest with them. You just aren't that passionate about having kids and that's OK.

With every year you wait it's about 60K per kid for IVF. So obviously that doesn't make the financial part of the equation any better.

I'm not asking for advice on whether to have kids or not. I'm aware IVF is expensive and its completely off limits for us. Our HHI is under 100K and neither of us makes 60K a year. That's the problem. Daycare is gonna eat a huge chunk of our income and staying home is not an option for any of us unless we want to live paycheck to paycheck. That's what makes me mad about all these unsolicited fertility advice, that people give it to us when we're more aware of what's going on in our lives than they are.

I was a single Mom making 80K/year. When I had my child at 25 I was making 30K/year as a grad student. I wanted to be a Mom and made it work. It really wasn't that hard.

Did you have any student aid/scholarship, help from parents or a partner? Most importantly, where and when was that? A 30k income is unlikely to support an adult and a child when you have to pay for your own housing, your own food and childcare.