What is it with people given childless couples unsolicited fertility advice?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

People are giving her fertility advice because when they ask about kids she’s inconsistent and probably sounds naive about fertility.

I don’t know why you would tell people you want kids at all. If they ask, just say you don’t want kids. Who cares if you eventually have one?

They shouldn't be asking.
How would you feel if someone randomly asked you how your marriage is going? Or if your children are in good health?

What?? I wouldn’t care at all if someone asked if my children were healthy. How weird. And if someone asked how my husband and I were doing, I’d say “great!” And move on.

No, I'm not talking about "How are Larlo and the kids?" I'm talking about questions like How's your marriage doing? You guys still f--ing? How often? Is Little Larla on the spectrum?

Oh please. This is so dramatic. Family, friends, even acquaintances asking you if you want kids isn’t like any of those things. Some of you are so damn sensitive. Just say no and move the conversation along.

The fact that you you think it's okay to ask people about their reproductive plans but not anything else personal says a lot about the way society views women without children.

Some of you just love being dramatic and offended. Some of us chose not to be. It’s fine.

It's easy to say you "chose not be offended" when you're like 33 with one boy and one girl spaced two years apart and no one is ever going to ask you questions like this.

Nice try. But no. I got asked a lot about kids and then siblings. I don’t get asked anymore because I’m too old for more and have made it clear for years I’m not having more. But again, I chose not to be offended by dumb small talk.

Well, I'm sure you've learned by now that it's considered very rude to ask a woman if she's pregnant and you don't ask. Now you're learning that it's rude to ask people about their reproductive plans. It doesn't matter if it doesn't bother YOU. Be a good citizen and just don't do it.

Not not to mention that some people don't even ask about your plans, they go straight reminding you that you're old, that you should have kids even if you've already told them "no thank you".

I’m not saying it’s not rude. I’m saying OP can choose whether or not to be offended and plan a strategy beyond saying “not yet”. Right now she just gets offended when she says “not yet” and they say she shouldn’t wait. She needs a new plan because getting offended and repeating her mistakes isn’t working. Remember… you only get to control yourself and your reaction.

I don't tell them "not yet". I get asked if i have children, I say "no" and as soon as they start going on about my fertility I say I don't want to discuss the topic. This is why I find it so offensive. The people bringing the topic don't even know what my plan is or if we're infertile. This topic also comes from people who are relative strangers. It feels invasive.

That’s not what you wrote in previous posts. And I find it really hard to believe relative strangers are walking up to you and randomly going “hey, you’re old, you might want to worry about infirtility”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sucks and I agree with you. 10+ years ago before I had my child (at 38), people weren't giving me fertility advice but they were definitely badgering me.

My theory is this: so many of us thought "people are having kids in their upper 30s and even early 40s these days, I can too!" Without realizing just how difficult and expensive it might be. I admit, I have mentioned to my young nieces (26-28) that waiting for the perfect time (in regards to career, lifestyle, income, etc) is not as easy and ideal as they may think. This came up in conversation.

I will never ask a child free couple what their plans are
or suggest they have kids though.

My niece is 22 and she knows all of this. I knew when I was eighteen at what age I'd use donor sperm to conceive if I hadn't married.
Maybe people shouldn't assume everyone is an idiot.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

[Anonymous]

I suspect OP is a way oversharer and instead learning to limit the details she shares, she is blaming overs for making small talk. Get over yourself OP

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

The irony in this is that you are already likely too old to do anything without help from an IVF doctor. Even at this age, you will likely need an egg donor. Why don’t you just tell the people who are bothering you? “I’m too old.”

This doesn't work. I'm 48, single and I HAVE done IVF and even used a surrogate, and people still give me unsolicited advice about how to get pregnant.

You can't say "I'm too old" or even "I do not want children" because people will tell you that you'll regret it. The only option is to turn around and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP is a way oversharer and instead learning to limit the details she shares, she is blaming overs for making small talk. Get over yourself OP

This. Could also be cultural issues at play. Some cultures a woman of her age with no kids is more unusual than others.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP simply asked why people keep giving her fertility advice when they don't know what's going on in her life, and the first thing you guys do is to give her fertility advice.

I've no idea what OP means by "financial reasons", but if she really wants kids chances are that she did her math a long time ago. I had my child later in life because of financial reasons as well. My mom was having medical issues so we spent a huge chunk of our income on medical treatment. The little we had left went to food, rent and bills. We were living in a small apartment and were not making anywhere 6 figures. It wasn't until my mother passed away that we managed to have enough money to have a child. It was difficult and I had several miscarriages, but the other option was having a child anyways and either getting on welfare or cutting my mother's treatment. I met a number of smug people along the way giving us fertility and financial advice when they had no idea what was going on.

To answer your question OP, people give you advice because they think that having children is some sort of obligation, and not having them is only acceptable if you don't want children at all. Wanting them, but having other priorities is not an option to them. If the unsolicited advice persists, just remind them that your reproductive affairs are none of their business.

People are giving her fertility advice because when they ask about kids she’s inconsistent and probably sounds naive about fertility.

I don’t know why you would tell people you want kids at all. If they ask, just say you don’t want kids. Who cares if you eventually have one?

They shouldn't be asking.
How would you feel if someone randomly asked you how your marriage is going? Or if your children are in good health?

What?? I wouldn’t care at all if someone asked if my children were healthy. How weird. And if someone asked how my husband and I were doing, I’d say “great!” And move on.

No, I'm not talking about "How are Larlo and the kids?" I'm talking about questions like How's your marriage doing? You guys still f--ing? How often? Is Little Larla on the spectrum?

Oh please. This is so dramatic. Family, friends, even acquaintances asking you if you want kids isn’t like any of those things. Some of you are so damn sensitive. Just say no and move the conversation along.

The fact that you you think it's okay to ask people about their reproductive plans but not anything else personal says a lot about the way society views women without children.

Some of you just love being dramatic and offended. Some of us chose not to be. It’s fine.

It's easy to say you "chose not be offended" when you're like 33 with one boy and one girl spaced two years apart and no one is ever going to ask you questions like this.

Nice try. But no. I got asked a lot about kids and then siblings. I don’t get asked anymore because I’m too old for more and have made it clear for years I’m not having more. But again, I chose not to be offended by dumb small talk.

Well, I'm sure you've learned by now that it's considered very rude to ask a woman if she's pregnant and you don't ask. Now you're learning that it's rude to ask people about their reproductive plans. It doesn't matter if it doesn't bother YOU. Be a good citizen and just don't do it.

Not not to mention that some people don't even ask about your plans, they go straight reminding you that you're old, that you should have kids even if you've already told them "no thank you".

I’m not saying it’s not rude. I’m saying OP can choose whether or not to be offended and plan a strategy beyond saying “not yet”. Right now she just gets offended when she says “not yet” and they say she shouldn’t wait. She needs a new plan because getting offended and repeating her mistakes isn’t working. Remember… you only get to control yourself and your reaction.

I don't tell them "not yet". I get asked if i have children, I say "no" and as soon as they start going on about my fertility I say I don't want to discuss the topic. This is why I find it so offensive. The people bringing the topic don't even know what my plan is or if we're infertile. This topic also comes from people who are relative strangers. It feels invasive.

That’s not what you wrote in previous posts. And I find it really hard to believe relative strangers are walking up to you and randomly going “hey, you’re old, you might want to worry about infirtility”.

I don't remember writing that, but the point is, the fertility conversation starts as soon as they learn I don't have kids. By your logic I shouldn't tell them that at all. You'd be surprised at how nosy some people can get. These are acquaintances/relatives I rarely see, hence the "relative strangers" part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP is a way oversharer and instead learning to limit the details she shares, she is blaming overs for making small talk. Get over yourself OP

OP already said she doesn't share much about her life, not sure why you'd assume that.

I once had a colleague who asked my age. As soon as I said I was 30 she told me to start thinking about kids. Also had a manager tell me that I should have children even though I told her I wasn't interested. I have a uterine malformation which is severe and unlikely to be corrected with surgery. It's painful how nosy people can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP is a way oversharer and instead learning to limit the details she shares, she is blaming overs for making small talk. Get over yourself OP

Not necessarily. I have had so many conversations like this:

Them: You seeing anyone?
Me: No.
Them: You know you can still have kids if you want. My friend [blah blah about using donor sperm]
Me: I know. Anyway... [moves on to other subject]
Them: Have you considered being a single mom?
Me: Actually yes. So--
Them: So you going to do it? My friend used---
Me: I tried. It didn't work.
Them: Really? Did you do IVF? 'cause---
Me: I did. I tried. My options are exhausted. And now I'm nearing 50 so I've put it behind me.
Them: What about a donor egg?

People will not let up no matter how hard you try to shut it down. It used to be that people would leave you alone at around 45 but now I feel like they're going to keep on until I'm 60 lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP is a way oversharer and instead learning to limit the details she shares, she is blaming overs for making small talk. Get over yourself OP

Not necessarily. I have had so many conversations like this:

Them: You seeing anyone?
Me: No.
Them: You know you can still have kids if you want. My friend [blah blah about using donor sperm]
Me: I know. Anyway... [moves on to other subject]
Them: Have you considered being a single mom?
Me: Actually yes. So--
Them: So you going to do it? My friend used---
Me: I tried. It didn't work.
Them: Really? Did you do IVF? 'cause---
Me: I did. I tried. My options are exhausted. And now I'm nearing 50 so I've put it behind me.
Them: What about a donor egg?

People will not let up no matter how hard you try to shut it down. It used to be that people would leave you alone at around 45 but now I feel like they're going to keep on until I'm 60 lol.

. . . Walk away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP is a way oversharer and instead learning to limit the details she shares, she is blaming overs for making small talk. Get over yourself OP

OP already said she doesn't share much about her life, not sure why you'd assume that.

I once had a colleague who asked my age. As soon as I said I was 30 she told me to start thinking about kids. Also had a manager tell me that I should have children even though I told her I wasn't interested. I have a uterine malformation which is severe and unlikely to be corrected with surgery. It's painful how nosy people can be.

The OP bizarrely said she wants kids but cannot afford them at 36, which is what set this thread on fire. I have no doubt she is giving out these details casually, especially with how defensive she is about her financial logic, or she is a troll having a wonderful evening

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

Seems like you were triggered enough to reply and to even give me advice.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

Seems like you were triggered enough to reply and to even give me advice.

I’m not the one who started a thread on the topic luv. Just giving you some solicited advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP is a way oversharer and instead learning to limit the details she shares, she is blaming overs for making small talk. Get over yourself OP

OP already said she doesn't share much about her life, not sure why you'd assume that.

I once had a colleague who asked my age. As soon as I said I was 30 she told me to start thinking about kids. Also had a manager tell me that I should have children even though I told her I wasn't interested. I have a uterine malformation which is severe and unlikely to be corrected with surgery. It's painful how nosy people can be.

The OP bizarrely said she wants kids but cannot afford them at 36, which is what set this thread on fire. I have no doubt she is giving out these details casually, especially with how defensive she is about her financial logic, or she is a troll having a wonderful evening

I didn't give any details either and still got nosy colleagues reminding me of my age. You're seriously underestimating how terrible some people can be. I see nothing wrong with OPs financial logic. She sounds she wants both children and comfort, but can't have both, which is actually very common. It's hard not to be defensive when you made a decision on a topic that's painful and have people basically telling you that your decision is wrong. The only thing I hope is that nobody with similar issues ever posts here.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm 36 and husband is 34. We got married four years ago and still have no children because our financial situation isn't great at the moment. When people learn we're childless, they start making comments about how I shouldn't delay motherhood or at least freeze my eggs. The most infuriating things is that these people aren't even close family members or friends, they're acquaintances or some uncle/cousin I haven't seen in more than 10 years. I let them know that there's no reason to bring up the topic and leave it at that, but there's almost always somebody else who brings it later.

I'm aware that at my age, I might have troubles conceiving, especially if I have undiagnosed fertility issues, but the other option is having a baby that we won't able to support, so we're willing to risk it.

Why are some people so obsessed with the fertility of a couple whose kids they're not gonna raise or financially support?

It’s just something people say because they can’t comprehend why you don’t have children. That said, if you really want kids my advice would be to not wait for the prefect moment. We ended up spending over $100k on IVF and adoption fees.

OP here. Nobody needs to understand anything. If you learn a person doesn't have children is not your place to start giving them fertility advice when you don't even know the reason why the person is childless. I know that IVF is expensive. I also know that if I leave children for later I might not be able to conceive at all. I literally say this in the post you're quoting.

Oh please then don’t spend your Saturday posting about fertility!

Says the person spending their Saturday replying to me.

We are not the ones triggered by fertility discussions.

Seems like you were triggered enough to reply and to even give me advice.

I’m not the one who started a thread on the topic luv. Just giving you some solicited advice.

Not OP, but your advice wasn't solicited at all. OP never asked if she should get pregnant., SHe already knows her answer.