Blindsided by ER bill - DD says she was "roofied"

[Anonymous]

Woah

[Anonymous]

I think it’s clear that she shouldn’t have a car under any circumstances, and that you shouldn’t be giving her any pocket money. I’d also tell her that access to medical records is a requirement if she wants to stay on my insurance and have me pay tuition. She wouldn’t be able to live there without your support, and you have the right to make sure she isn’t hurting herself or others while she’s living there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s clear that she shouldn’t have a car under any circumstances, and that you shouldn’t be giving her any pocket money. I’d also tell her that access to medical records is a requirement if she wants to stay on my insurance and have me pay tuition. She wouldn’t be able to live there without your support, and you have the right to make sure she isn’t hurting herself or others while she’s living there.

Omg, people. This is the surest way to make sure she doesn’t access needed health care.

[Anonymous]

And paying for Greek life should be completely out of the question, even without this specific incident!

[Anonymous]

I’m glad her friends had the sense to take her to the ER instead of letting her choke on her own puke in an alley somewhere. They did the right thing.

Your daughter needs your help, not your anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s clear that she shouldn’t have a car under any circumstances, and that you shouldn’t be giving her any pocket money. I’d also tell her that access to medical records is a requirement if she wants to stay on my insurance and have me pay tuition. She wouldn’t be able to live there without your support, and you have the right to make sure she isn’t hurting herself or others while she’s living there.

Omg, people. This is the surest way to make sure she doesn’t access needed health care.

There needs to be some kind of compromise though. Should she expect her parents to keep paying for her healthcare while she participates in self-destructive behavior (if that is the case)? Colleges usually have student insurance available if she would rather pay for that and keep everything private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s clear that she shouldn’t have a car under any circumstances, and that you shouldn’t be giving her any pocket money. I’d also tell her that access to medical records is a requirement if she wants to stay on my insurance and have me pay tuition. She wouldn’t be able to live there without your support, and you have the right to make sure she isn’t hurting herself or others while she’s living there.

Omg, people. This is the surest way to make sure she doesn’t access needed health care.

There needs to be some kind of compromise though. Should she expect her parents to keep paying for her healthcare while she participates in self-destructive behavior (if that is the case)? Colleges usually have student insurance available if she would rather pay for that and keep everything private.

Maybe she did pay the ER copay and didn’t realize there would be additional payment after the fact. Let’s be real, I wouldn’t expect an 18 YO to know how health insurance works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

OP here.

Yes, this is evidently what happened.

Bottom line is she appears to have been hospitalized for alcohol use and then invented a lie about being a victim of a crime when asked about the TikTok by one parent then the hospital bill by me. Told the parents different stories too, thinking we wouldn’t compare notes (we did, and we both agree it’s unlikely she was actually roofied).

In my book, being hospitalized for alcohol abuse and then lying about it is a pretty big red flag that needs to be addressed. Especially if she wants even more freedoms next year, including a car I pay for and insure. As far as I am concerned, it is legitimate to be worried about a combination of a history of poor judgment with alcohol and access to a car when the party scene will be five or six miles from her off campus rental.

It’s weird some of you see that as “punishment.”

Evidently some of you are shitty parents who think I should just ignore and carry on.

No, the problem is that you’re addressing it from anger and punishing. Your daughter needs help. You will not punish her into drinking less.

I wouldn’t want her to have a car yet either, but tying that directly to this incident will only discourage her from going to the ER in the future. You’re going unintentionally punish the smartest and nature decision these kids made that night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t get an explanation of benefits? She’s on your insurance and you would need to submit that for HSA reimbursement. I don’t think her being an adult makes a difference for that.

No, you can't get an EOB for another adult.

Eventually, I suppose they may mail one to her here at the house and i could open it. But online it says "patient view only."

HIPPA and all that.

Yes, I could ask her to waive it. But given her hostility around asking for details about the police report, I'm guessing she will refuse. I'm not there yet.

Yes you can… if you’re the primary account holder of the insurance. Just log in and see.

What? No, you definitely can't. My DH is the primary account holder and he can't see my EOBs. Same for adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, just think for a moment, what if I am wrong and accuse my daughter of horrible things and lying.

What if your daughter was raped or roofied or whatever. Maybe she is processing that. Maybe she is lying, but why jump to the conclusion she is lying?

She probably didn't realize you'd get this bill or she didn't want to talk about it.

What are the consequences if you threaten her and go ballistic and you are doing it to a victim?

Take a breath. Some of the responses have this girl in rehab, some say get her on BC? Why are we assuming she is a huge liar?

What you do here can really affect your future relationship. You sound hot headed if your first inclination is to ban her from having a car a year from now. I hope you haven't said this to her.

If you're so concerned, go see her, tell her you're concerned and how can you help?

She posted a drunk TikTok from her hospital bed, flashing peace signs and the like. (A friend of hers showed me). She says she wasn’t raped and while I guess being roofied CAN result in behaving extra drunk, roofies are actually sedatives. Unfortunately, I don’t believe she was roofied — I think that is a story to cover up the fact that she was so trashed that her friends decided to intervene and take her to the hospital. If so, this is now at least the second event I am aware of in the year where she has been blackout drunk. So we clearly need a conversation about substance abuse.

We will have a conversation in two weeks after finals. I have told her to bring a copy of the police report and the tox screen from her hospital visit as well as the itemized bill. We will look at those things together.

If, in fact, she brings those things, the discussion will be limited to does she need support to deal with being crime victim and this basic idea that you call your parents when you are hospitalized.

If she can’t produce them or refuses, then I will have no choice to conclude that she was drunk to the point of being taken to a hospital, which in my mind is very serious. She followed that up with the extremely poor judgment in failing to notify immediately (lie of omission), inventing a story to cover (lie of commission), and gaslighting (“this is why I didn’t tell you.”).

And because of these poor choices, she won’t be allowed to rush this Spring (she has no money of her own since she spent her job money as quickly as she had it despite my continued counsel to build up savings for college expenses. She gets an allowance but doesn’t save that either.) I had agreed previously to pay for rush and sorority dues since she got several scholarships, but there’s no way I am going to pay to put her into a Greek system where attitudes about alcohol are worse than the school at large, under the circumstances.

As for the car, I may place conditions on her to earn it for next year. These include:

— Completing an alcohol awareness class
— Showing me her report card (something I have never asked of her older sister) and granting me FERPA waiver.
— Maintaing her scholarship.
— Getting a job on campus second semester to supplement the allowance (clearly she had the time).
— Getting a source of decent summer income, either at home or like as a camp counselor or something. She’s too young to get an internship, probably, but if she got one of those I would accept it as a substitute even if it didn’t pay.

That’s my “morning after” plan.

I personally wouldn’t punish her so harshly for seeking medical care. She did the right thing and she it seems rightly knew you would freak out if she told you. I’d just pay the bill and tell her to always seek care if she’s worried and that you are always willing provide a nonjudgmental ear. She’s an adult so your relationship needs to change from “punishing” to supporting her into adulthood.

This is a good take. I can’t imagine punishing a young adult who found herself in a bad situation but did the right thing. All that punishment is going to teach her to not seek medical care next time, which will have bigger implications.

OP, go ahead with that plan. We’ll plan to check back in with you in a few years when your child have no relationship with you and you’re posting on here about why you’ve been cut out of her life. You already have a shaky relationship and you want to approach the resolution with anger, fear, and punishment? Why does that seem like the right approach to you?

OP here. What the hell is wrong with you, you sanctimonious twat?

DP If you are indeed OP, you have proven right here that your anger is the biggest problem. If you want a relationship with her, get help.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just call and pretend to be your DD? Get an itemized bill sent to you. Then you'll know exactly what the real story is by the labs ordered. Create a fake Gmail to use if they have an email option. If not, have it mailed.

Like, I know it's dishonest and illegal, but I'm doing anything needed if I think my kid is not being truthful and is in crisis.

If my parents had pushed harder when they had to rush my barely legal brother to the ER for alcohol poisoning, maybe he wouldn't be a 37 yo alcoholic with multiple DUIs, a failed marriage, kids he never sees, and still living at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just call and pretend to be your DD? Get an itemized bill sent to you. Then you'll know exactly what the real story is by the labs ordered. Create a fake Gmail to use if they have an email option. If not, have it mailed.

Like, I know it's dishonest and illegal, but I'm doing anything needed if I think my kid is not being truthful and is in crisis.

If my parents had pushed harder when they had to rush my barely legal brother to the ER for alcohol poisoning, maybe he wouldn't be a 37 yo alcoholic with multiple DUIs, a failed marriage, kids he never sees, and still living at home.

Jesus H. Christ on a cracker. Some of you parents are nuts. Have fun wondering why your kids don't call or visit in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just call and pretend to be your DD? Get an itemized bill sent to you. Then you'll know exactly what the real story is by the labs ordered. Create a fake Gmail to use if they have an email option. If not, have it mailed.

Like, I know it's dishonest and illegal, but I'm doing anything needed if I think my kid is not being truthful and is in crisis.

If my parents had pushed harder when they had to rush my barely legal brother to the ER for alcohol poisoning, maybe he wouldn't be a 37 yo alcoholic with multiple DUIs, a failed marriage, kids he never sees, and still living at home.

OP here. I'm not going to impersonate my daughter, that's nuts. I want her to take some accountability and I want to have a discussion about the dangers of substance abuse and how her actions in this incident have made me reluctant to trust her with a car next year.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I carry the insurance for my family and can see everyone's EOB, DH and adult kids.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have time to read through this entire thread but I will share my experience. DD, a college student, took some edibles offered by a trusted friend. It turned out they were very strong and she wound up in the ER. I am grateful she sought treatment. Like you I was shocked by the amount of the bill. I didn’t make her pay though I consider it. But here’s where the experiences diverge. DD contacted me as soon as she realized she was in trouble. We talked through getting help and then she texted me continuously from the ER. Because I knew this had happened and she found the whole experience very traumatic, I had the opportunity to use it as a teachable moment. We had a heart to heart about why even if something is legal, it isn’t safe. Had I had any suspicion she continued to use, I would have taken her car. The time to have conversations and build trusting relationships is before kids find themselves in trouble. Throughout the teen years, we need to communicate through actions and not just words that we are safe adults to talk to when in trouble. This is very different from condoning alcohol or drug use. OP you might have done the same and still find your daughter being secretive. I would take the car and tell her you know the real story. Let her know getting the car back is conditional on being evaluated for a substance use disorder.