Blindsided by ER bill - DD says she was "roofied"

[Anonymous]

You can't be an "adult" and not provide details to your parent but still be a "dependent" on insurance. She needs to take adult responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand your mindset at all. She was in trouble and she went for medical help. That's good. Pay the $120 and then try to have open and honest conversations with her.

Stop trying to play detective or looking for lies.

She is incapable of honest open conversations. I would deduct the 120 from any other funding provided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my college the dean would come visit students in the hospital and then suspend them if he found out it was for alcohol treatment.

What college and how long ago was this? This is absolutely not the guidance provided to students today, nor was it the guidance that I was provided (graduated college in 2010).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't be an "adult" and not provide details to your parent but still be a "dependent" on insurance. She needs to take adult responsibility.

Yes you absolutely can, and the law sides with the "adult" child.

[Anonymous]

Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

And what happens when an adult refuses to sign that? You pull funding for college? How does that help the situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

2 thumbs up for the friends. When DD comes back for spring semester and tells the friends her mom went ballistic over the ER visit, they will think twice when seeking medical care for DD again (or for other friends), potentially endangering others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

OP here.

Yes, this is evidently what happened.

Bottom line is she appears to have been hospitalized for alcohol use and then invented a lie about being a victim of a crime when asked about the TikTok by one parent then the hospital bill by me. Told the parents different stories too, thinking we wouldn’t compare notes (we did, and we both agree it’s unlikely she was actually roofied).

In my book, being hospitalized for alcohol abuse and then lying about it is a pretty big red flag that needs to be addressed. Especially if she wants even more freedoms next year, including a car I pay for and insure. As far as I am concerned, it is legitimate to be worried about a combination of a history of poor judgment with alcohol and access to a car when the party scene will be five or six miles from her off campus rental.

It’s weird some of you see that as “punishment.”

Evidently some of you are shitty parents who think I should just ignore and carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

And what happens when an adult refuses to sign that? You pull funding for college? How does that help the situation?

This is why it is a good idea to have such a document in place the summer prior to their starting at college. The document does not have to be used but is there if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

OP here.

Yes, this is evidently what happened.

Bottom line is she appears to have been hospitalized for alcohol use and then invented a lie about being a victim of a crime when asked about the TikTok by one parent then the hospital bill by me. Told the parents different stories too, thinking we wouldn’t compare notes (we did, and we both agree it’s unlikely she was actually roofied).

In my book, being hospitalized for alcohol abuse and then lying about it is a pretty big red flag that needs to be addressed. Especially if she wants even more freedoms next year, including a car I pay for and insure. As far as I am concerned, it is legitimate to be worried about a combination of a history of poor judgment with alcohol and access to a car when the party scene will be five or six miles from her off campus rental.

It’s weird some of you see that as “punishment.”

Evidently some of you are shitty parents who think I should just ignore and carry on.

Do you think she wants to lie to you, or do you think she wants to have an open and honest relationship with you, but is afraid of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got an ER bill today that was a surprise. I asked DD why she was in the hospital three weeks ago. She said, "oh, I got roofied but I'm OK and I reported it to the cops."

She seemed surprised at the cost of the bill.

I'm a little floored, and I'm not sure what to make of this. This doesn't seem like something you'd hide from a parent, is it? She's being very cavalier, "no big deal" about it, says she wasn't sexually assaulted. And she's being very secretive -- when I asked for the name of the police officer or a copy of the report she said she didn't want me involved and would handle it. It seems more like she's hiding something, and she does have a long history of elaborate lying and obfuscation about her behavior as a teen. Apparently she posted a drunk TikTok from her hospital bed -- that isn't what being "roofied" does, right? I thought it shut you down, unable to move. She's a terrible liar and I'm getting a big whiff of bullshit on her story here...

WWYD? I realize college students do stupid shit with alcohol. But if she was actually in the hospital for alcohol poisoning or something, I'm going to make her pay the bill and there's no way she's taking the car to college next year.

Is that overkill?

A little scary, for sure. Is she a first-year? If so, this may be part of the experimentation that comes with being away from home and out of high school for the first time. My DD was a very naughty party girl as a first-year and did some really dumb stuff. By senior year -- when she turned 21 and was finally legal -- she barely drank at all. A year out of college, and she will drink ONE glass of wine on special occasions. She's concerned about the damage alcohol might do to her brain cells. I would try to educate rather than punish. Provide materials that teach her about the long-term damage alcohol can cause. She has to buy into this herself if the lesson is to take hold. Beyond that, perhaps time and maturation will work its magic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

And what happens when an adult refuses to sign that? You pull funding for college? How does that help the situation?

OP here, no I don’t stop paying for college. But I am not providing her with a vehicle for her to use to live off campus and be tempted to drive to the party scene. I also won’t pay for Greek life. And I tell her being hospitalized for booze is very concerning and if she continues on this trajectory she may very well flunk out and have to move home and go to community college.

But I never said I would pull her college funding. Just things that I worry will enable future problems with alcohol and create dangerous situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

OP here.

Yes, this is evidently what happened.

Bottom line is she appears to have been hospitalized for alcohol use and then invented a lie about being a victim of a crime when asked about the TikTok by one parent then the hospital bill by me. Told the parents different stories too, thinking we wouldn’t compare notes (we did, and we both agree it’s unlikely she was actually roofied).

In my book, being hospitalized for alcohol abuse and then lying about it is a pretty big red flag that needs to be addressed. Especially if she wants even more freedoms next year, including a car I pay for and insure. As far as I am concerned, it is legitimate to be worried about a combination of a history of poor judgment with alcohol and access to a car when the party scene will be five or six miles from her off campus rental.

It’s weird some of you see that as “punishment.”

Evidently some of you are shitty parents who think I should just ignore and carry on.

Do you think she wants to lie to you, or do you think she wants to have an open and honest relationship with you, but is afraid of you?

I think she has been a reflexive, habitual liar for many years. A friend taught her how to try to deceive her parents. I do think she is lying because she is afraid of consequences, not so much because she is “afraid” of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, just think for a moment, what if I am wrong and accuse my daughter of horrible things and lying.

What if your daughter was raped or roofied or whatever. Maybe she is processing that. Maybe she is lying, but why jump to the conclusion she is lying?

She probably didn't realize you'd get this bill or she didn't want to talk about it.

What are the consequences if you threaten her and go ballistic and you are doing it to a victim?

Take a breath. Some of the responses have this girl in rehab, some say get her on BC? Why are we assuming she is a huge liar?

What you do here can really affect your future relationship. You sound hot headed if your first inclination is to ban her from having a car a year from now. I hope you haven't said this to her.

If you're so concerned, go see her, tell her you're concerned and how can you help?

She posted a drunk TikTok from her hospital bed, flashing peace signs and the like. (A friend of hers showed me). She says she wasn’t raped and while I guess being roofied CAN result in behaving extra drunk, roofies are actually sedatives. Unfortunately, I don’t believe she was roofied — I think that is a story to cover up the fact that she was so trashed that her friends decided to intervene and take her to the hospital. If so, this is now at least the second event I am aware of in the year where she has been blackout drunk. So we clearly need a conversation about substance abuse.

We will have a conversation in two weeks after finals. I have told her to bring a copy of the police report and the tox screen from her hospital visit as well as the itemized bill. We will look at those things together.

If, in fact, she brings those things, the discussion will be limited to does she need support to deal with being crime victim and this basic idea that you call your parents when you are hospitalized.

If she can’t produce them or refuses, then I will have no choice to conclude that she was drunk to the point of being taken to a hospital, which in my mind is very serious. She followed that up with the extremely poor judgment in failing to notify immediately (lie of omission), inventing a story to cover (lie of commission), and gaslighting (“this is why I didn’t tell you.”).

And because of these poor choices, she won’t be allowed to rush this Spring (she has no money of her own since she spent her job money as quickly as she had it despite my continued counsel to build up savings for college expenses. She gets an allowance but doesn’t save that either.) I had agreed previously to pay for rush and sorority dues since she got several scholarships, but there’s no way I am going to pay to put her into a Greek system where attitudes about alcohol are worse than the school at large, under the circumstances.

As for the car, I may place conditions on her to earn it for next year. These include:

— Completing an alcohol awareness class
— Showing me her report card (something I have never asked of her older sister) and granting me FERPA waiver.
— Maintaing her scholarship.
— Getting a job on campus second semester to supplement the allowance (clearly she had the time).
— Getting a source of decent summer income, either at home or like as a camp counselor or something. She’s too young to get an internship, probably, but if she got one of those I would accept it as a substitute even if it didn’t pay.

That’s my “morning after” plan.

I personally wouldn’t punish her so harshly for seeking medical care. She did the right thing and she it seems rightly knew you would freak out if she told you. I’d just pay the bill and tell her to always seek care if she’s worried and that you are always willing provide a nonjudgmental ear. She’s an adult so your relationship needs to change from “punishing” to supporting her into adulthood.

This is a good take. I can’t imagine punishing a young adult who found herself in a bad situation but did the right thing. All that punishment is going to teach her to not seek medical care next time, which will have bigger implications.

OP, go ahead with that plan. We’ll plan to check back in with you in a few years when your child have no relationship with you and you’re posting on here about why you’ve been cut out of her life. You already have a shaky relationship and you want to approach the resolution with anger, fear, and punishment? Why does that seem like the right approach to you?

OP here. What the hell is wrong with you, you sanctimonious twat?

Not the PP, but I agree with her 100%. You are a horrible mother. Best of luck to your daughter.

I think it might be a dad? I dunno, the whole dynamic is weird. OP seems to be trying to control their way through this, but whether it’s a substance abuse problem or sexual assault, we are in territory that’s about trust, not control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

OP here.

Yes, this is evidently what happened.

Bottom line is she appears to have been hospitalized for alcohol use and then invented a lie about being a victim of a crime when asked about the TikTok by one parent then the hospital bill by me. Told the parents different stories too, thinking we wouldn’t compare notes (we did, and we both agree it’s unlikely she was actually roofied).

In my book, being hospitalized for alcohol abuse and then lying about it is a pretty big red flag that needs to be addressed. Especially if she wants even more freedoms next year, including a car I pay for and insure. As far as I am concerned, it is legitimate to be worried about a combination of a history of poor judgment with alcohol and access to a car when the party scene will be five or six miles from her off campus rental.

It’s weird some of you see that as “punishment.”

Evidently some of you are shitty parents who think I should just ignore and carry on.

Do you think she wants to lie to you, or do you think she wants to have an open and honest relationship with you, but is afraid of you?

I think she has been a reflexive, habitual liar for many years. A friend taught her how to try to deceive her parents. I do think she is lying because she is afraid of consequences, not so much because she is “afraid” of me.