I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

I would look into it. Maybe she is and better to find out now than later. Have a talk with her, ask around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss it with your daughter. I don't know why you'd worry about it upsetting her -- as long as you stay empathetic and supportive of her, this is just something she should be able to deal with.

I also think there's a vast difference between being expected to "be everyone's friend" and being expected to treat everyone with kindness, and I'd have a conversation about that. Being popular does in fact come with some responsibilities, and one of them is that your behavior and opinions carry more weight. Even if your daughter does not mean to be gossipy or exclusionary, it can happen very easily. Sometimes teenagers (and adult women) normalize behaviors like talking about other girls when they aren't around, or keeping certain activities "secret" in order to avoid inviting certain people. These are unkind behaviors and there are better ways to handle them. I think you need to be talking with your daughter about what those better ways are.

As is always the case with this subject on DCUM, I remain disappointed in the attitude so many people have that kids who are less popular should simply accept being treated poorly by their peers even if that treatment is unnecessary and harmful.

Personally I’m shocked by the number of people who seem to think that an anonymous creepy email should be taken at face value. It is actually insane to me.

If I responded, the only response I would have is “I do not engage with anonymous correspondents.”

PP here. I am shocked at the imbalance too. Of course the expectation is that your child needs to be kind out in the world, etc., but I think this situation is equally likely to be a personal beef between the daughter and the anonymous letter writer.

Especially with the details provided. It seems transgressive to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your email. I want to discuss this further, but am uncomfortable with it being anonymous. If you are an adult, I would encourage you to reach out, knowing that I will keep your identity confidential, so that I can understand this more fully and try to get to the bottom of this. If you are a kid, can you please consider taking this issue to a trusted adult who can approach me for a discussion? Perhaps a school counselor or parent.

I look forward to hearing more so I can address this, but I can't address it anonymously.

Yes, I think this is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Show your daughter the email address. Maybe she'll recognize the person and you can get her side of the story. If she doesn't recognize the person I would have a general talk on kindness, inclusivity, one-sided friendships, and rumors. But it does sound odd that this kid got your email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I will not be sharing any anonymous accusations with my daughter. Please find an adult you trust to talk with directly.”

That would just make mom the place where the daughter obviously got it from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Show your daughter the email address. Maybe she'll recognize the person and you can get her side of the story. If she doesn't recognize the person I would have a general talk on kindness, inclusivity, one-sided friendships, and rumors. But it does sound odd that this kid got your email.

Oh great idea. Help her figure out who it is so she can target her and ruin her life.

I would do my own digging - talk to counselors and maybe teachers at school who may be aware, ask parents of friends if they know anything about the daughters treatment of others - it shouldn't be too hard to find out. If it turns out to be true, then and only then would I tell her what I'd heard (but not specify the letter or the exact wording) and get her side. And if her side is damning, then I'd cross that bridge and do everything possible to change her attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss it with your daughter. I don't know why you'd worry about it upsetting her -- as long as you stay empathetic and supportive of her, this is just something she should be able to deal with.

I also think there's a vast difference between being expected to "be everyone's friend" and being expected to treat everyone with kindness, and I'd have a conversation about that. Being popular does in fact come with some responsibilities, and one of them is that your behavior and opinions carry more weight. Even if your daughter does not mean to be gossipy or exclusionary, it can happen very easily. Sometimes teenagers (and adult women) normalize behaviors like talking about other girls when they aren't around, or keeping certain activities "secret" in order to avoid inviting certain people. These are unkind behaviors and there are better ways to handle them. I think you need to be talking with your daughter about what those better ways are.

As is always the case with this subject on DCUM, I remain disappointed in the attitude so many people have that kids who are less popular should simply accept being treated poorly by their peers even if that treatment is unnecessary and harmful.

Personally I’m shocked by the number of people who seem to think that an anonymous creepy email should be taken at face value. It is actually insane to me.

If I responded, the only response I would have is “I do not engage with anonymous correspondents.”

PP here. I am shocked at the imbalance too. Of course the expectation is that your child needs to be kind out in the world, etc., but I think this situation is equally likely to be a personal beef between the daughter and the anonymous letter writer.

My money says the author is a heartbroken parent. OP should take this seriously and not listen to the mean girls on dcum who think this behavior is ok.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I don’t know what parent WOULDN’T start with a dialogue with their kid and ask them to really be introspective about their behavior. If they have a truly clean conscience move from there. But why wouldn’t you start with a come-to-Jesus?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Show your daughter the email address. Maybe she'll recognize the person and you can get her side of the story. If she doesn't recognize the person I would have a general talk on kindness, inclusivity, one-sided friendships, and rumors. But it does sound odd that this kid got your email.

This is the stupidest answer on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in private school in DC, queen bees all over the place, and I'm guessing that's why my DD keeps a low profile and stays away from the drama. Has she told me this? No. I witness it firsthand when at school events (ie sports) and recognize the dynamic from when I was a young girl. I would never want to be a teenager in the DC area, not a chance, boy or girl.

It's not just DC. We live in the Austin suburbs and it's the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss it with your daughter. I don't know why you'd worry about it upsetting her -- as long as you stay empathetic and supportive of her, this is just something she should be able to deal with.

I also think there's a vast difference between being expected to "be everyone's friend" and being expected to treat everyone with kindness, and I'd have a conversation about that. Being popular does in fact come with some responsibilities, and one of them is that your behavior and opinions carry more weight. Even if your daughter does not mean to be gossipy or exclusionary, it can happen very easily. Sometimes teenagers (and adult women) normalize behaviors like talking about other girls when they aren't around, or keeping certain activities "secret" in order to avoid inviting certain people. These are unkind behaviors and there are better ways to handle them. I think you need to be talking with your daughter about what those better ways are.

As is always the case with this subject on DCUM, I remain disappointed in the attitude so many people have that kids who are less popular should simply accept being treated poorly by their peers even if that treatment is unnecessary and harmful.

Personally I’m shocked by the number of people who seem to think that an anonymous creepy email should be taken at face value. It is actually insane to me.

If I responded, the only response I would have is “I do not engage with anonymous correspondents.”

PP here. I am shocked at the imbalance too. Of course the expectation is that your child needs to be kind out in the world, etc., but I think this situation is equally likely to be a personal beef between the daughter and the anonymous letter writer.

My money says the author is a heartbroken parent. OP should take this seriously and not listen to the mean girls on dcum who think this behavior is ok.

Nobody thinks bullying is okay. Sending vaguely threatening anonymous emails is not remotely okay. It is shocking you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don’t know what parent WOULDN’T start with a dialogue with their kid and ask them to really be introspective about their behavior. If they have a truly clean conscience move from there. But why wouldn’t you start with a come-to-Jesus?

I don’t expose my child to potential stalkers.

[Anonymous]

people are strange. you could be the target of a prank by the actual mean girls. or a jealous catfishing parent. or teacher even.

Do not respond. delete and ignore.

[Anonymous]

I’m honestly not sure what I’d believe or do. This is so dependent on your kid. But I will say that I do not find anything threatening in that email.

[Anonymous]

You should read this article from Medium.

https://medium.com/family-matters-2/do-you-tell-the-teacher-when-someone-is-mean-to-your-kid-3adeba600f5f

please ignore the email.