How many parents still financially support their middle age adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have several friends who receive money from parents who choose to gift it during life rather than leave it until death. None of these friends need it for basic support but they spend it on themselves and their kids just as the parents intend. If I had money to leave my kids, I would certainly rather see them vacationing and doing fun things during my (and their) life than giving them a lump sum when I die.

If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family.

I think it's incredibly infantalizing for parents to continue to support their children in their 40s.

I have a very very rich friend who told her children from the get-go that they were always welcome to live with them, but that they need to make their own way in the world, and that after college, they were on their own.

The kids have turned out really well, unlike the trust-fund babies that end up having pretty worthless lives. They are independent and live within their means. They know their parents will support them if they are in a crisis, but they were raised to behave like adults and support themselves. One child asked her parents to pay for grad school, and the parents agreed because the child laid out a very good reason for wanting to go (to the #1 program in her field).

We've told our children the same thing: they are on their own after college unless they want to live with us. Two are living on their own and are successful (for a person in their 20s). The youngest two are in college, but they've heard the message loud and clear.

I have trust fund baby friends, and I feel kind of sorry for them because none has ever cut the apron strings, even long after their parents have died. They still live on mom and dad's money. They've never learned how to live within their means because they've never had to. One friend made very stupid financial decisions after he inherited a big pile of money from his dad because he had no idea how to budget his money, had never learned how to invest, how to take care of his finances. He just put his hand out, and his dad wrote a check. That's not how the real world works, and it's kind of pathetic.

"If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family."

We are in our 40s, and have an HHI of ~$500k. My inlaws periodically give us checks of $5000 or so for our son's college fund. We don't ask for it, or expect it. Their financial advisor tells then when they have excess funds that they won't need, and this is how they want to spend it. In your opinion, in order to be independent and not infantalized, we should refuse the gift, or donate it to charity? What about when they pass, should we donate the entire inheritance as well?

That is manifestly ridiculous. Your posts reek of envy.

"Your posts reek of envy." BINGO! Most who seem to have issues with this are jealous.

Obviously, the majority of us are working to raise kids who recognized the huge benefits they have from growing up in their lifestyle. Most of us recognize that not everyone is this privileged. However, not a single one of you complaining would turn down the opportunity for yourself or your kids while growing up if it presented itself.
Nobody wishes they grew up barely getting by, with parents who cannot help pay for college, etc. Everyone's goals are to provide the best they can for their family/kids, while also raising them to be aware that the world they live in is not how everyone gets to live.

[Anonymous]

This is common in MoCo. Lots of money.

By "supported," do you mean 80-100% support? Or do you mean paying for fancy vacations and private school?

We had some help paying for private school and then some expenses here and there that my parents offered to pay for. I never asked. They wanted to help. However, I also have a friend with a trust fund (never had to work but chose to) and a friend who has been under-employed and probably receives quite a bit from the parents. The ILs have put a lot of money into a 529. So we have had help, but we don't have a fancy house, live in a wonderful neighborhood or drive new cars.

[Anonymous]

I’m a millennial in DC and most people I know receive some support from their parents. Not day to day expenses, per se, but help with daycare/private school, saving for college, down payments on their homes. DH and I don’t have access to this kind of family money (we both grew up working class) but it doesn’t seem uncommon in our EOTP neighborhood or public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is common in MoCo. Lots of money.

By "supported," do you mean 80-100% support? Or do you mean paying for fancy vacations and private school?

We had some help paying for private school and then some expenses here and there that my parents offered to pay for. I never asked. They wanted to help. However, I also have a friend with a trust fund (never had to work but chose to) and a friend who has been under-employed and probably receives quite a bit from the parents. The ILs have put a lot of money into a 529. So we have had help, but we don't have a fancy house, live in a wonderful neighborhood or drive new cars.

The spectrum of support really doesn't matter nor does if you request it or not: aspects of your lifestyle have been supported by your parents. Just own it and stop rationalizing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is common in MoCo. Lots of money.

By "supported," do you mean 80-100% support? Or do you mean paying for fancy vacations and private school?

We had some help paying for private school and then some expenses here and there that my parents offered to pay for. I never asked. They wanted to help. However, I also have a friend with a trust fund (never had to work but chose to) and a friend who has been under-employed and probably receives quite a bit from the parents. The ILs have put a lot of money into a 529. So we have had help, but we don't have a fancy house, live in a wonderful neighborhood or drive new cars.

The spectrum of support really doesn't matter nor does if you request it or not: aspects of your lifestyle have been supported by your parents. Just own it and stop rationalizing it.

What is there to own?!?!?! Do you really sit around with your friends discussing who is "making it on their own" vs "who has help from family"? How does it matter to you? Majority of people who have family who "can help them" recognize the privilege and aren't going around bragging about how well off they are. If those are your friends, perhaps you need to look really hard at who you are friends with.

I get no help from family---we are the ones helping them. We took parents with us on vacations when they were able to travel (we paid). I don't begrudge friends who have family who can help them. It's really not something we talk about, heck even my spouse and I don't discuss that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is common in MoCo. Lots of money.

By "supported," do you mean 80-100% support? Or do you mean paying for fancy vacations and private school?

We had some help paying for private school and then some expenses here and there that my parents offered to pay for. I never asked. They wanted to help. However, I also have a friend with a trust fund (never had to work but chose to) and a friend who has been under-employed and probably receives quite a bit from the parents. The ILs have put a lot of money into a 529. So we have had help, but we don't have a fancy house, live in a wonderful neighborhood or drive new cars.

The spectrum of support really doesn't matter nor does if you request it or not: aspects of your lifestyle have been supported by your parents. Just own it and stop rationalizing it.

What is there to own?!?!?! Do you really sit around with your friends discussing who is "making it on their own" vs "who has help from family"? How does it matter to you? Majority of people who have family who "can help them" recognize the privilege and aren't going around bragging about how well off they are. If those are your friends, perhaps you need to look really hard at who you are friends with.

I get no help from family---we are the ones helping them. We took parents with us on vacations when they were able to travel (we paid). I don't begrudge friends who have family who can help them. It's really not something we talk about, heck even my spouse and I don't discuss that.

NP here. I think some posters are saying that it is hard to respect a grown adult who needs so much help from their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have several friends who receive money from parents who choose to gift it during life rather than leave it until death. None of these friends need it for basic support but they spend it on themselves and their kids just as the parents intend. If I had money to leave my kids, I would certainly rather see them vacationing and doing fun things during my (and their) life than giving them a lump sum when I die.

If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family.

I think it's incredibly infantalizing for parents to continue to support their children in their 40s.

I have a very very rich friend who told her children from the get-go that they were always welcome to live with them, but that they need to make their own way in the world, and that after college, they were on their own.

The kids have turned out really well, unlike the trust-fund babies that end up having pretty worthless lives. They are independent and live within their means. They know their parents will support them if they are in a crisis, but they were raised to behave like adults and support themselves. One child asked her parents to pay for grad school, and the parents agreed because the child laid out a very good reason for wanting to go (to the #1 program in her field).

We've told our children the same thing: they are on their own after college unless they want to live with us. Two are living on their own and are successful (for a person in their 20s). The youngest two are in college, but they've heard the message loud and clear.

I have trust fund baby friends, and I feel kind of sorry for them because none has ever cut the apron strings, even long after their parents have died. They still live on mom and dad's money. They've never learned how to live within their means because they've never had to. One friend made very stupid financial decisions after he inherited a big pile of money from his dad because he had no idea how to budget his money, had never learned how to invest, how to take care of his finances. He just put his hand out, and his dad wrote a check. That's not how the real world works, and it's kind of pathetic.

"If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family."

We are in our 40s, and have an HHI of ~$500k. My inlaws periodically give us checks of $5000 or so for our son's college fund. We don't ask for it, or expect it. Their financial advisor tells then when they have excess funds that they won't need, and this is how they want to spend it. In your opinion, in order to be independent and not infantalized, we should refuse the gift, or donate it to charity? What about when they pass, should we donate the entire inheritance as well?

That is manifestly ridiculous. Your posts reek of envy.

"Your posts reek of envy." BINGO! Most who seem to have issues with this are jealous.

Obviously, the majority of us are working to raise kids who recognized the huge benefits they have from growing up in their lifestyle. Most of us recognize that not everyone is this privileged. However, not a single one of you complaining would turn down the opportunity for yourself or your kids while growing up if it presented itself.
Nobody wishes they grew up barely getting by, with parents who cannot help pay for college, etc. Everyone's goals are to provide the best they can for their family/kids, while also raising them to be aware that the world they live in is not how everyone gets to live.

“However, not a single one of you complaining would turn down the opportunity for yourself or your kids while growing up if it presented itself.”

I disagree. I do not wish my parents were wealthy. It actually is really good to grow up without a lot and then be in a much better position as an adult. I don’t really care what other people do, but I much prefer knowing we can handle things as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is common in MoCo. Lots of money.

By "supported," do you mean 80-100% support? Or do you mean paying for fancy vacations and private school?

We had some help paying for private school and then some expenses here and there that my parents offered to pay for. I never asked. They wanted to help. However, I also have a friend with a trust fund (never had to work but chose to) and a friend who has been under-employed and probably receives quite a bit from the parents. The ILs have put a lot of money into a 529. So we have had help, but we don't have a fancy house, live in a wonderful neighborhood or drive new cars.

The spectrum of support really doesn't matter nor does if you request it or not: aspects of your lifestyle have been supported by your parents. Just own it and stop rationalizing it.

What is there to own?!?!?! Do you really sit around with your friends discussing who is "making it on their own" vs "who has help from family"? How does it matter to you? Majority of people who have family who "can help them" recognize the privilege and aren't going around bragging about how well off they are. If those are your friends, perhaps you need to look really hard at who you are friends with.

I get no help from family---we are the ones helping them. We took parents with us on vacations when they were able to travel (we paid). I don't begrudge friends who have family who can help them. It's really not something we talk about, heck even my spouse and I don't discuss that.

What's the trigger here for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is common in MoCo. Lots of money.

By "supported," do you mean 80-100% support? Or do you mean paying for fancy vacations and private school?

We had some help paying for private school and then some expenses here and there that my parents offered to pay for. I never asked. They wanted to help. However, I also have a friend with a trust fund (never had to work but chose to) and a friend who has been under-employed and probably receives quite a bit from the parents. The ILs have put a lot of money into a 529. So we have had help, but we don't have a fancy house, live in a wonderful neighborhood or drive new cars.

The spectrum of support really doesn't matter nor does if you request it or not: aspects of your lifestyle have been supported by your parents. Just own it and stop rationalizing it.

For me, I find the op’s question a little confusing…I’m the one who mentioned my parents paying for things like our condo on vacation. The op asked when people in their 40s will learn to support themselves and stop relying on their parents and whether it’s our long-term plan to be supported by parents for ever. I’m not sure what’s expected. Refuse my parents’ gifts? Ask them to take me out of the will? Without them paying for the condo we would have paid and been fine, but they wanted to. We paid for our car and pay our rent and our kids go to public school. So I think it’s fair to say my parents support me in that they give me money - and it’s part of my forever plan in that I expect I will inherit when they pass. However, at the same time I’ve view the money as emergency / rainy day / shouldn’t assume it’s coming. A wonderful support to be sure, but not support in the sense of changing any spending habits. Like if they send me a note a few times a year with $100 and say “please hire a sitter” , that’s awesome. But without that $100 we could easily have done the same. The foundation it gave me was life changing but as a 40 something they’re not actively enabling my lifestyle in a life changing way. So the word “support” gets confusing. People are using it as any help at all or as enabling you to afford your home / pay for private etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is common in MoCo. Lots of money.

By "supported," do you mean 80-100% support? Or do you mean paying for fancy vacations and private school?

We had some help paying for private school and then some expenses here and there that my parents offered to pay for. I never asked. They wanted to help. However, I also have a friend with a trust fund (never had to work but chose to) and a friend who has been under-employed and probably receives quite a bit from the parents. The ILs have put a lot of money into a 529. So we have had help, but we don't have a fancy house, live in a wonderful neighborhood or drive new cars.

The spectrum of support really doesn't matter nor does if you request it or not: aspects of your lifestyle have been supported by your parents. Just own it and stop rationalizing it.

What is there to own?!?!?! Do you really sit around with your friends discussing who is "making it on their own" vs "who has help from family"? How does it matter to you? Majority of people who have family who "can help them" recognize the privilege and aren't going around bragging about how well off they are. If those are your friends, perhaps you need to look really hard at who you are friends with.

I get no help from family---we are the ones helping them. We took parents with us on vacations when they were able to travel (we paid). I don't begrudge friends who have family who can help them. It's really not something we talk about, heck even my spouse and I don't discuss that.

NP here. I think some posters are saying that it is hard to respect a grown adult who needs so much help from their parents.

Why is it hard to respect them? Majority could live just fine without that "help" and would adjust their lifestyles accordingly. But if the parents have the money to "help" and want to help in whatever way, why do you loose respect for someone? It sounds more like a "you" problem and a jealously problem.


Most of those people wouldn't do private schools without the grandparent's helping, or they would have to live in a different area/home in order to afford private school. Most would have a budget and live within their means, and make choices not to have "so many things".
But why would they not accept help from the grandparents? We are wealthy, and if my kids and their partners desire to send their kids to private schools, we will certainly help out. Giving them that money when the family is young/kids are young will have a much greater impact than when the grandkids are 25. Yes, it's a privilege. My kids are quite capable of providing for themselves and their eventual families. But who would not want to give their kids/grandkids the best, especially for education and the neighborhood you live in---shorter commute means more expensive home but perhaps an extra hour with your family each day. My millions will do more while I"m alive than when my kids are 50-60 and GK are 20-30.

Ultimately, it seems like people complaining about lack of respect are just jealous.

Myself, I would personally wonder about a grown ass adult/grandparent who has millions who doesn't invest part of it in their own family (kids/grandkids)---can't imagine telling my kids to "pay for college themselves, mommy and daddy are going to Europe/australia/hawaii on many vacations with the money instead". Same for grandkids---we want them to have the best opportunities to succeed in life and if we have the resources we will provide.
I grew up poor, I know what it's like to struggle. I wouldn't wish that on anyone---my kids are financially aware and one is downright frugal. They recognize their privilege and volunteer and give back to their communities (during HS/College/after graduation). They know how to budget and live within a budget based on their salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have several friends who receive money from parents who choose to gift it during life rather than leave it until death. None of these friends need it for basic support but they spend it on themselves and their kids just as the parents intend. If I had money to leave my kids, I would certainly rather see them vacationing and doing fun things during my (and their) life than giving them a lump sum when I die.

If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family.

I think it's incredibly infantalizing for parents to continue to support their children in their 40s.

I have a very very rich friend who told her children from the get-go that they were always welcome to live with them, but that they need to make their own way in the world, and that after college, they were on their own.

The kids have turned out really well, unlike the trust-fund babies that end up having pretty worthless lives. They are independent and live within their means. They know their parents will support them if they are in a crisis, but they were raised to behave like adults and support themselves. One child asked her parents to pay for grad school, and the parents agreed because the child laid out a very good reason for wanting to go (to the #1 program in her field).

We've told our children the same thing: they are on their own after college unless they want to live with us. Two are living on their own and are successful (for a person in their 20s). The youngest two are in college, but they've heard the message loud and clear.

I have trust fund baby friends, and I feel kind of sorry for them because none has ever cut the apron strings, even long after their parents have died. They still live on mom and dad's money. They've never learned how to live within their means because they've never had to. One friend made very stupid financial decisions after he inherited a big pile of money from his dad because he had no idea how to budget his money, had never learned how to invest, how to take care of his finances. He just put his hand out, and his dad wrote a check. That's not how the real world works, and it's kind of pathetic.

"If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family."

We are in our 40s, and have an HHI of ~$500k. My inlaws periodically give us checks of $5000 or so for our son's college fund. We don't ask for it, or expect it. Their financial advisor tells then when they have excess funds that they won't need, and this is how they want to spend it. In your opinion, in order to be independent and not infantalized, we should refuse the gift, or donate it to charity? What about when they pass, should we donate the entire inheritance as well?

That is manifestly ridiculous. Your posts reek of envy.

"Your posts reek of envy." BINGO! Most who seem to have issues with this are jealous.

Obviously, the majority of us are working to raise kids who recognized the huge benefits they have from growing up in their lifestyle. Most of us recognize that not everyone is this privileged. However, not a single one of you complaining would turn down the opportunity for yourself or your kids while growing up if it presented itself.
Nobody wishes they grew up barely getting by, with parents who cannot help pay for college, etc. Everyone's goals are to provide the best they can for their family/kids, while also raising them to be aware that the world they live in is not how everyone gets to live.

“However, not a single one of you complaining would turn down the opportunity for yourself or your kids while growing up if it presented itself.”

I disagree. I do not wish my parents were wealthy. It actually is really good to grow up without a lot and then be in a much better position as an adult. I don’t really care what other people do, but I much prefer knowing we can handle things as an adult.

You say "I disagree" but then go on to make an entirely different point. So, wishing aside, are you saying that if your parents gave you $5000 for your kids' college accounts that had no discernible impact on their financial situation, you would refuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have several friends who receive money from parents who choose to gift it during life rather than leave it until death. None of these friends need it for basic support but they spend it on themselves and their kids just as the parents intend. If I had money to leave my kids, I would certainly rather see them vacationing and doing fun things during my (and their) life than giving them a lump sum when I die.

If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family.

I think it's incredibly infantalizing for parents to continue to support their children in their 40s.

I have a very very rich friend who told her children from the get-go that they were always welcome to live with them, but that they need to make their own way in the world, and that after college, they were on their own.

The kids have turned out really well, unlike the trust-fund babies that end up having pretty worthless lives. They are independent and live within their means. They know their parents will support them if they are in a crisis, but they were raised to behave like adults and support themselves. One child asked her parents to pay for grad school, and the parents agreed because the child laid out a very good reason for wanting to go (to the #1 program in her field).

We've told our children the same thing: they are on their own after college unless they want to live with us. Two are living on their own and are successful (for a person in their 20s). The youngest two are in college, but they've heard the message loud and clear.

I have trust fund baby friends, and I feel kind of sorry for them because none has ever cut the apron strings, even long after their parents have died. They still live on mom and dad's money. They've never learned how to live within their means because they've never had to. One friend made very stupid financial decisions after he inherited a big pile of money from his dad because he had no idea how to budget his money, had never learned how to invest, how to take care of his finances. He just put his hand out, and his dad wrote a check. That's not how the real world works, and it's kind of pathetic.

"If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family."

We are in our 40s, and have an HHI of ~$500k. My inlaws periodically give us checks of $5000 or so for our son's college fund. We don't ask for it, or expect it. Their financial advisor tells then when they have excess funds that they won't need, and this is how they want to spend it. In your opinion, in order to be independent and not infantalized, we should refuse the gift, or donate it to charity? What about when they pass, should we donate the entire inheritance as well?

That is manifestly ridiculous. Your posts reek of envy.

"Your posts reek of envy." BINGO! Most who seem to have issues with this are jealous.

Obviously, the majority of us are working to raise kids who recognized the huge benefits they have from growing up in their lifestyle. Most of us recognize that not everyone is this privileged. However, not a single one of you complaining would turn down the opportunity for yourself or your kids while growing up if it presented itself.
Nobody wishes they grew up barely getting by, with parents who cannot help pay for college, etc. Everyone's goals are to provide the best they can for their family/kids, while also raising them to be aware that the world they live in is not how everyone gets to live.

“However, not a single one of you complaining would turn down the opportunity for yourself or your kids while growing up if it presented itself.”

I disagree. I do not wish my parents were wealthy. It actually is really good to grow up without a lot and then be in a much better position as an adult. I don’t really care what other people do, but I much prefer knowing we can handle things as an adult.

You do not need to "grow up without a lot" to "handle things as an adult". Plenty of well adjusted adults who were not on welfare as kids.

Plenty of rich/wealthy people who raise kids who understand this and don't take "money/things" for granted and appreciate what they have.

Really it's all relative as to "how much you have" But I personally think I would have gone even further in life if I had had just a little bit more while growing up. Not having to eat free lunch, having money and time to socialize just a little bit more as a kid/teen/college student would not have been a bad thing. I would have still worked equally hard to get ahead in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have several friends who receive money from parents who choose to gift it during life rather than leave it until death. None of these friends need it for basic support but they spend it on themselves and their kids just as the parents intend. If I had money to leave my kids, I would certainly rather see them vacationing and doing fun things during my (and their) life than giving them a lump sum when I die.

If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family.

I think it's incredibly infantalizing for parents to continue to support their children in their 40s.

I have a very very rich friend who told her children from the get-go that they were always welcome to live with them, but that they need to make their own way in the world, and that after college, they were on their own.

The kids have turned out really well, unlike the trust-fund babies that end up having pretty worthless lives. They are independent and live within their means. They know their parents will support them if they are in a crisis, but they were raised to behave like adults and support themselves. One child asked her parents to pay for grad school, and the parents agreed because the child laid out a very good reason for wanting to go (to the #1 program in her field).

We've told our children the same thing: they are on their own after college unless they want to live with us. Two are living on their own and are successful (for a person in their 20s). The youngest two are in college, but they've heard the message loud and clear.

I have trust fund baby friends, and I feel kind of sorry for them because none has ever cut the apron strings, even long after their parents have died. They still live on mom and dad's money. They've never learned how to live within their means because they've never had to. One friend made very stupid financial decisions after he inherited a big pile of money from his dad because he had no idea how to budget his money, had never learned how to invest, how to take care of his finances. He just put his hand out, and his dad wrote a check. That's not how the real world works, and it's kind of pathetic.

"If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family."

We are in our 40s, and have an HHI of ~$500k. My inlaws periodically give us checks of $5000 or so for our son's college fund. We don't ask for it, or expect it. Their financial advisor tells then when they have excess funds that they won't need, and this is how they want to spend it. In your opinion, in order to be independent and not infantalized, we should refuse the gift, or donate it to charity? What about when they pass, should we donate the entire inheritance as well?

That is manifestly ridiculous. Your posts reek of envy.

"Your posts reek of envy." BINGO! Most who seem to have issues with this are jealous.

Obviously, the majority of us are working to raise kids who recognized the huge benefits they have from growing up in their lifestyle. Most of us recognize that not everyone is this privileged. However, not a single one of you complaining would turn down the opportunity for yourself or your kids while growing up if it presented itself.
Nobody wishes they grew up barely getting by, with parents who cannot help pay for college, etc. Everyone's goals are to provide the best they can for their family/kids, while also raising them to be aware that the world they live in is not how everyone gets to live.

“However, not a single one of you complaining would turn down the opportunity for yourself or your kids while growing up if it presented itself.”

I disagree. I do not wish my parents were wealthy. It actually is really good to grow up without a lot and then be in a much better position as an adult. I don’t really care what other people do, but I much prefer knowing we can handle things as an adult.

You do not need to "grow up without a lot" to "handle things as an adult". Plenty of well adjusted adults who were not on welfare as kids.

Plenty of rich/wealthy people who raise kids who understand this and don't take "money/things" for granted and appreciate what they have.

Really it's all relative as to "how much you have" But I personally think I would have gone even further in life if I had had just a little bit more while growing up. Not having to eat free lunch, having money and time to socialize just a little bit more as a kid/teen/college student would not have been a bad thing. I would have still worked equally hard to get ahead in life.

But you don't really know this. You are conjecturing you "would have still worked equally hard" but you don't have a way to know that.

[Anonymous]

My parents are well off and so am I and my DH. We are in our mid 40’s and live the typical UMC lifestyle; kids in private school, nice home, travel often.

My parents paid for our wedding and my college expenses. I feel that’s more than generous of them and couldn’t imagine asking them for any more monetary support at this stage of my life. Frankly that would be embarrassing. It’s my turn to help them now that they are on their 70’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have several friends who receive money from parents who choose to gift it during life rather than leave it until death. None of these friends need it for basic support but they spend it on themselves and their kids just as the parents intend. If I had money to leave my kids, I would certainly rather see them vacationing and doing fun things during my (and their) life than giving them a lump sum when I die.

If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family.

I think it's incredibly infantalizing for parents to continue to support their children in their 40s.

I have a very very rich friend who told her children from the get-go that they were always welcome to live with them, but that they need to make their own way in the world, and that after college, they were on their own.

The kids have turned out really well, unlike the trust-fund babies that end up having pretty worthless lives. They are independent and live within their means. They know their parents will support them if they are in a crisis, but they were raised to behave like adults and support themselves. One child asked her parents to pay for grad school, and the parents agreed because the child laid out a very good reason for wanting to go (to the #1 program in her field).

We've told our children the same thing: they are on their own after college unless they want to live with us. Two are living on their own and are successful (for a person in their 20s). The youngest two are in college, but they've heard the message loud and clear.

I have trust fund baby friends, and I feel kind of sorry for them because none has ever cut the apron strings, even long after their parents have died. They still live on mom and dad's money. They've never learned how to live within their means because they've never had to. One friend made very stupid financial decisions after he inherited a big pile of money from his dad because he had no idea how to budget his money, had never learned how to invest, how to take care of his finances. He just put his hand out, and his dad wrote a check. That's not how the real world works, and it's kind of pathetic.

"If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family."

We are in our 40s, and have an HHI of ~$500k. My inlaws periodically give us checks of $5000 or so for our son's college fund. We don't ask for it, or expect it. Their financial advisor tells then when they have excess funds that they won't need, and this is how they want to spend it. In your opinion, in order to be independent and not infantalized, we should refuse the gift, or donate it to charity? What about when they pass, should we donate the entire inheritance as well?

That is manifestly ridiculous. Your posts reek of envy.

"Your posts reek of envy." BINGO! Most who seem to have issues with this are jealous.

Obviously, the majority of us are working to raise kids who recognized the huge benefits they have from growing up in their lifestyle. Most of us recognize that not everyone is this privileged. However, not a single one of you complaining would turn down the opportunity for yourself or your kids while growing up if it presented itself.
Nobody wishes they grew up barely getting by, with parents who cannot help pay for college, etc. Everyone's goals are to provide the best they can for their family/kids, while also raising them to be aware that the world they live in is not how everyone gets to live.

It’s the bolded that seems to be the issue for many adults whose parents help them. Look at how many on this thread are downplaying that assistance, claiming it’s NBD, they’d be “fine” without it, etc. It’s trying to have it both ways: accepting these generous gifts while also pretending they’re really meaningless that rubs me (and likely others) the wrong way. When you turn it around and just insist that it’s sour grapes, you’re not owning the enormous gifts you benefit from.