Son and DIL asking for new vacation next year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your son and dIL want to keep vacationing together but want a change. I think it’s very kind of them to be looking for an option that includes you. They could have sent a note saying ‘next summer we are going somewhere else— enjoy the beach!’ Instead they are trying to include you.
It’s perfectly reasonable for two adults to decide for themselves where they would like to spend their vacation. You can try to accommodate that, or vacation separately and look for other opportunities to see them and the grandkids. But if you hold it against them you are being entirely unreasonable.

+1

[Anonymous]

Feelings are feelings, and you have every right to feel stung by the implied criticism of a vacation that you love very much. But do I think your feelings are based on a valid injury? No.

I think that you may also be feeling the ground shifting under your feet, where you will no longer be the central person inviting your friends and family to join your children, their spouses, and their children on a vacation of your choosing and organizing.

I think you have some very common issues with your DIL, as evidenced by your assuming this is her doing and suggesting she's finds your traditions "awful." If only pesky DIL didn't have her own ideas about how to spend her vacation, then everyone would go along with your orders, I mean, expectations, I mean, plans.

I think you should view it from their perspective, as people who have prioritized this family vacation year after year, yucking it up with their parents' friends, instead of starting their own family traditions or exploring new places with their finite vacation time. And I think you should see the impressive gentleness and forethought they've put into their proposal to change things while not only including you, but paying for you. I think you should accept that offer in the spirit in which it has been made.

And yes, you'll mourn the passing of the baton that signals that the next generation is stepping into shoes you hadn't quite expected to step out of so soon. That's totally normal. It's OK to need a little time to adjust.

I hope when you shine a light on all of these deeper issues, the thought that you might reject this offer to say, no! Fenwick or death! I can't skip a year! See you next year, Grandkids! will seem as absurd as it should.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are not beach ppl but our kids love it. They would go with the grandparents starting around 7yo for the week. Is that an option?
We still had our own family vacations a different week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have gone to the beach (Fenwick) for decades, and of course brought our kids when they were young. After my son and my daughter grew up and each got married, we've invited their families to join us each year. (We also include my husband's sister and her son, and my husband's mother while she was alive.) We sometimes invite friends, so we usually rent from one of three nice properties. We have good relationships with the owners of each property, and we enjoy the trip every year.

Apparently my son and his wife do not wish to do the beach trip next year--they already agreed to this year when DH and I reached out in January. They are sending us links for mountain resorts, and are offering to pay. DH and I would rather be at the beach, but DH does not have a lot of vacation time (he manages a pool company, so unfortunately little work from home opportunity from them, and summers are obviously quite busy). But I would hate to miss out on the opportunity to vacation with our grandkids.

Am I wrong to feel that this is a lot to process? We pay for lovely accommodations. I understand that DIL wants something different and is offering to pay, but I still kind of wonder why a free beach week is so awful and tradition needs to be changed.

You cannot be serious.

Because very, very few families want to use their limited and precious vacation time to do the same damn thing every year in perpetuity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something to be said about tradition! I think people are being too harsh on OP.

[Anonymous]

I love how you don’t attribute anything to your son. Maybe he wants a change and your DIL was fine with the beach. I don’t get mothers that blame literally everything on the dil and act as of their son is a hapless victim of manipulation.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are you all acting like them offering to pay is some big deal? They've been treated to free weeks at the beach for years. That's a significant cost, especially Fenwick. I don't think it's crazy of them to want to try something new, but yes of course they should be treating for once.

The other option is the son and daughter-in-law going to the mountains and not inviting OP. How do you not understand that going on multigeneration family vacations for decades is a big deal?

I don't think it would be bad for son and DIL to go on their own mountain vacation without inviting OP, at all. It's their vacation time to spend as they please. I don't think they are obligated to vacation with anyone, or to do the same thing every year if they don't want to.

I just don't get all the comments like OMG wow amazing they're offering to pay...well, yeah! They've been getting expense vacations from OP and her husband for years!

I am not super impressed that OP has paid all of these years. It was her way of keeping control and remaining the center of gravity in her family.

Um, last time I checked, adults old enough to be married and have kids always have free will. They could have said no or offered alternate plans at any time. I don't think they were wrong to accept the freebie vacations, but OP and her husband could not "control" anyone. They were always free to say, "Thank you for the kind offer, but we have other vacation plans this year." How is accepting someone's offer that person controlling you? Just decline. An invitation is not a summons.

Yes, they just declined with 1 year notice, and OP is STILL boohooing about her traditions and them shunning the beach. She knows exactly what she is doing.

She's working through her feelings and is asking DCUM for perspective. She has never had the power to make her son or his wife go on vacations. That's...not something anyone has the "control" to do.

Absolutely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As is almost always the way in threads started by petulant MILs, OP hasn't been back to clarify any points or thank people for their input.

Because, as in most of these threads, she wasn’t told what she wanted to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The “lovely accommodations” in the OP remind me of the “prepared a lovely meal/kitchen is closed/eat a delicious piece of fruit, but only in the backyard” lady.

That orange on the back steps will stick with me forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As is almost always the way in threads started by petulant MILs, OP hasn't been back to clarify any points or thank people for their input.

Because, as in most of these threads, she wasn’t told what she wanted to hear.

Or it’s a troll trying to stir the “bad MIL” pot. That was my first take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As is almost always the way in threads started by petulant MILs, OP hasn't been back to clarify any points or thank people for their input.

Because, as in most of these threads, she wasn’t told what she wanted to hear.

Or it’s a troll trying to stir the “bad MIL” pot. That was my first take.

Are you a MIL? There's at least one person who posts regularly about how hard MILs have it. And maybe some of them do, but mostly we have MILs who cannot put on their "Pity me" sash and tiara fast enough.

OP's "so awful" is a classic move for people who aren't willing to listen to any other perspectives. Think of those guys who, asked to pull their weight around the house, immediately ask something like, "Oh, I guess I'm just nothing but a burden to you and I can't do anything right anyway."

Great approach if you want to someone to stop talking to you entirely. Then you can claim you don't know what you did wrong, but you guess husbands/MILs/whoever are just there to be used and discarded unless you're willing to be a total doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how you don’t attribute anything to your son. Maybe he wants a change and your DIL was fine with the beach. I don’t get mothers that blame literally everything on the dil and act as of their son is a hapless victim of manipulation.

Read the thread title and the opening few sentences and try again.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are you all acting like them offering to pay is some big deal? They've been treated to free weeks at the beach for years. That's a significant cost, especially Fenwick. I don't think it's crazy of them to want to try something new, but yes of course they should be treating for once.

The other option is the son and daughter-in-law going to the mountains and not inviting OP. How do you not understand that going on multigeneration family vacations for decades is a big deal?

I don't think it would be bad for son and DIL to go on their own mountain vacation without inviting OP, at all. It's their vacation time to spend as they please. I don't think they are obligated to vacation with anyone, or to do the same thing every year if they don't want to.

I just don't get all the comments like OMG wow amazing they're offering to pay...well, yeah! They've been getting expense vacations from OP and her husband for years!

I am not super impressed that OP has paid all of these years. It was her way of keeping control and remaining the center of gravity in her family.

Um, last time I checked, adults old enough to be married and have kids always have free will. They could have said no or offered alternate plans at any time. I don't think they were wrong to accept the freebie vacations, but OP and her husband could not "control" anyone. They were always free to say, "Thank you for the kind offer, but we have other vacation plans this year." How is accepting someone's offer that person controlling you? Just decline. An invitation is not a summons.

Yes, they just declined with 1 year notice, and OP is STILL boohooing about her traditions and them shunning the beach. She knows exactly what she is doing.

She's working through her feelings and is asking DCUM for perspective. She has never had the power to make her son or his wife go on vacations. That's...not something anyone has the "control" to do.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Says a person who lets fly any and every thought and feeling out of her mouth instead of ever pausing to consider whether her feelings are justified, relevant, or helpful in a situation. We get it, you are a bulldozer who simply reacts and never thinks or self-examines before opening her mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The “lovely accommodations” in the OP remind me of the “prepared a lovely meal/kitchen is closed/eat a delicious piece of fruit, but only in the backyard” lady.

That orange on the back steps will stick with me forever.

Link, please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why are you all acting like them offering to pay is some big deal? They've been treated to free weeks at the beach for years. That's a significant cost, especially Fenwick. I don't think it's crazy of them to want to try something new, but yes of course they should be treating for once.

The other option is the son and daughter-in-law going to the mountains and not inviting OP. How do you not understand that going on multigeneration family vacations for decades is a big deal?

I don't think it would be bad for son and DIL to go on their own mountain vacation without inviting OP, at all. It's their vacation time to spend as they please. I don't think they are obligated to vacation with anyone, or to do the same thing every year if they don't want to.

I just don't get all the comments like OMG wow amazing they're offering to pay...well, yeah! They've been getting expense vacations from OP and her husband for years!

I am not super impressed that OP has paid all of these years. It was her way of keeping control and remaining the center of gravity in her family.

Um, last time I checked, adults old enough to be married and have kids always have free will. They could have said no or offered alternate plans at any time. I don't think they were wrong to accept the freebie vacations, but OP and her husband could not "control" anyone. They were always free to say, "Thank you for the kind offer, but we have other vacation plans this year." How is accepting someone's offer that person controlling you? Just decline. An invitation is not a summons.

Yes, they just declined with 1 year notice, and OP is STILL boohooing about her traditions and them shunning the beach. She knows exactly what she is doing.

She's working through her feelings and is asking DCUM for perspective. She has never had the power to make her son or his wife go on vacations. That's...not something anyone has the "control" to do.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Says a person who lets fly any and every thought and feeling out of her mouth instead of ever pausing to consider whether her feelings are justified, relevant, or helpful in a situation. We get it, you are a bulldozer who simply reacts and never thinks or self-examines before opening her mouth.

"Am I wrong to feel that this is a lot to process? We pay for lovely accommodations. I understand that DIL wants something different and is offering to pay, but I still kind of wonder why a free beach week is so awful and tradition needs to be changed."

It seems as though the OP is trying, but not very hard. Maybe she's just not capable, but "In a year and half, we're going to vacation somewhere else and you're welcome to join us" is not "a lot to process"