If you succeeded with ‘no food in this house,’ tell me how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not specifically in this context, but I have success in looking narcissistic people directly in the eye and telling them “My life is not something for you to comment on. I did not invite your commentary. I don’t want it or need it, and I find it upsetting. It makes me feel like a thing and not a real person. Please cut it out.” I think some people have spent so much time commenting about other people that they really don’t realize that they shouldn’t do it.

How do you define narcissistic? Because nothing that OP described indicates that at all.

I'll admit, I am highly sensitive to people throwing around terms like "breaking boundaries" "narcissistic" and "passive aggressive" as though they are interchangeable with "some pattern or behavior that I don't like."

+1. If a person is really narcissistic, this speech would have no effect on him or her.

DP. This kind of speech (but softened somewhat) worked with my MIL. She is definitely not narcissistic- she’s controlling, anxious and impulsive, maybe slightly on the spectrum, and has a borderline eating disorder. But she wants to be with her kids/grandkids more than anything, so she listened.

[Anonymous]

I can commisserate, my in laws do breakfast at 1030am and dinner at 8pm, no lunch.

My kiddos are 1yo and 3yo and are up at 630am and go to bed at 7pm.

Every. single. day. when I'm getting my kids breakfast they say "oh we will make breakfast at 1030". They literally cannot understand that two toddlers cannot go 4 hours in the morning without eating.

Similarly at dinnertime, why are you making them dinner we already have a planned meal. And every day I remind them the planned meal is after their bed time.

[Anonymous]

When I visit my mother (she lives alone) -- every morning she wakes up, gets her newspaper, makes herself a bowl of cereal with blueberries and half a banana, pours herself a cup of coffee and sits down at her table to eat.

I walk in and she starts talking about whatever is in the news.

She never, ever asks if I'd like breakfast. And the one time I made myself a bowl of cereal with banana, she asked if I used the other half of her banana, because she was saving that for tomorrow.

Now I stop at a grocery store on the way and pick up bagels, cream cheese and fruit. She gets annoyed to see them crowding her (otherwise empty) counter and (almost totally empty) fridge, but at least I don't touch her food.

[Anonymous]

This whole thing is wild to me, I cannot imagine having guests come stay with me and not absolutely stuffing them with food LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thing is wild to me, I cannot imagine having guests come stay with me and not absolutely stuffing them with food LOL.

I have a really stingy aunt. She may try to save money on the food (you aren’t getting a steak at her place) but even she makes sure to make enough food and to offer it repeatedly.

Controlling people’s food is just looney.

[Anonymous]

I would never stay at their home. Ever. You can't tell them how to run their home, and I'd not want my children around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My aunt was like this too when we would visit. I never said anything but my cousin (her daughter) noticed and told her mom to have some snacks for the kids. Now she puts out an elaborate spread of thawed leftovers that she saved specifically for our visit. Like a couple slices of month-old pizza, one uneaten egg roll sliced into medallions... All I wanted was some crackers and peanut butter.

At least she's trying. You may not want what she's offering, but that doesn't change the fact that she listened, right?

[Anonymous]

We stay in a hotel - it is 15 minutes away and worth every dollar. Parents complained the first year, now are used to it, we love the freedom.

[Anonymous]

I would tell my DH that he needs to address every single comment about food head on.

If he doesn't do that, we would never stay with them again.

If you want to host people, you have to HOST them, which means being flexible. If you don't want to host people fine, but I will be at an Air BnB or hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re about to go visit ILs for Thanksgiving, and it’s the typical story: there is no food in the house, they are weird about food, they hover/monitor/observe food preparation and consumption, they “close the kitchen,” etc.

We’ve tried sticking up for ourselves by bringing our own food and going out when we need to, and still they whine and grumble and criticize. I’m willing to ignore those antics, because at the end of the day, I’m not going to make myself or my kids uncomfortable, or teach my kids that it isn’t OK to eat three meals a day. (ILs only eat two meals a day and make a big production about how breakfast should be light because “it will be a big dinner,” and it’s not.) But I’d prefer not to hear grumbling, and wonder if anyone has managed to solve this problem without poking the bear. TIA for any productive advice!

You can be blunt and say children have different caloric and energy needs since they are growing. You do not need to change your eating habits or amounts but while we are here, the kids and us will need to eat more or more often. Ive brought snacks and extra milk (or whatever). If this continues to be an issue, we will stay in an AirBnb.

OR you can do the jokey thing ask them about how much food the kids used to eat when they were teenagers or playing whatever sport and how they could never keep the kitchen full AND then gently go into how you recognize that they have their routine but that the kids are growing and need more calories compared to a 70 year old retiree.

[Anonymous]

I always stock my fridge and pantry with plenty of breakfast and lunch fixings when we have guests, but I do request and expect that able-bodied family houseguests will help themselves in the kitchen.

I cook and serve dinners (or DH cooks or we order in), but breakfast and lunch are mostly self-serve in our house. If it's a lazy weekend I might make a big hot breakfast, otherwise, help yourselves to cereal/bagels/fruit/yogurt/hard boiled eggs/whatever. Likewise, lunch is DIY sandwiches or heat up some leftovers whenever you get hungry.

I always show guests around the kitchen and encourage them to help themselves to whatever, whenever, but I feel like some people don't want to do that and it's frustrating. I don't want to cook and serve meals 3x a day though I certainly don't begrudge or make comments about anybody eating!

Hopefully none of my relatives are on DCUM saying I starve them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going to add that, at least in my family, a factor here is alcohol. My mom will have two or three glasses with dinner. That’s a fair number of calories. Probably the same number as the meal she serves, so she gets twice the calories of my teenage boy who is 8 inches taller than she is and growing. It also means that when the kitchen gets “closed” after dinner she can go to bed. If it’s Thanksgiving and the dinner is at 3, well she can easily be asleep by 6. Who needs another meal in that situation? (Hint: people who are not drunk).

Alcohol is a HUGE factor in some families. In my alcoholic parents household, they don’t eat breakfast because everyone is asleep and hungover. They start drinking at noon, and at most might nibble but it interferes with the buzz so they don’t eat a lot. The major meal for the day is served late at night to help with sobering up before sleeping. There aren’t real meals but just things to nibble on.

We don’t see them anymore for lots of reasons. But alcohol is a massive factor for some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope all the other cultures are taking note of why "americans so easily cut off family" -- at least you guys are getting fed!

Yeah, I grew up in an Eastern European family where too little food was never an issue. My mother and aunts might have a host of personality issues, but if they ever suspected one of their guests might leave the table hungry, they would have committed ritual suicide due to the shame. I’ve found this to be true of people of all non-WASP backgrounds.

Letting your guests go hungry is the sign of a terrible person.

+1 Grew up Catholic and DH is African American - you don't exit our house without a go plate and that's on non-holidays. The idea of someone walking away hungry is genuinely upsetting to me, and as people in our families get older they may eat less personally but they're constantly checking on younger people to see whether they need seconds or are feeling peckish. WASPs on these boards seem miserable in general, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not specifically in this context, but I have success in looking narcissistic people directly in the eye and telling them “My life is not something for you to comment on. I did not invite your commentary. I don’t want it or need it, and I find it upsetting. It makes me feel like a thing and not a real person. Please cut it out.” I think some people have spent so much time commenting about other people that they really don’t realize that they shouldn’t do it.

How do you define narcissistic? Because nothing that OP described indicates that at all.

I'll admit, I am highly sensitive to people throwing around terms like "breaking boundaries" "narcissistic" and "passive aggressive" as though they are interchangeable with "some pattern or behavior that I don't like."

EVERYTHING the OP describes is about the parents’ self-absorption. “Weird about food.” “Close the kitchen.” Tell other people how much to eat at breakfast. These are hallmark narcissistic behaviors where one person treats others as mere holograms in their own perfectly controlled imaginary world.

I agree this won’t work on every self-obsessed, controlling person, but it has worked for me.

What has worked even better is establishing boundaries, like getting a hotel, bringing items you want that the host may not want to be bothered with, etc.

[Anonymous]

My parents do a late breakfast and no lunch. For dinner my mom will make a big batch or lasagna or something substantial like that, but will serve tiny slivers and then quickly whisk away the leftovers because she expects it to last for 2-3 dinners.

We are early risers and like a light breakfast when we wake up, a normal lunch, and a normal dinner. I go grocery shopping and sometimes take the family out for lunch. I respond to any "eating again after that big breakfast???" commentary very matter-of-factly like "yes, we are" and keep it moving.