If you succeeded with ‘no food in this house,’ tell me how

[Anonymous]

You've run the experiment.

Stay in a hotel. There is no other solution. You will end up loving this.

Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Some of this is older people who get set in their ways and need so much less food. They forget what is normal.

We were staying with my parents once at a beach house, and my mom asked me if I thought the two potatoes she had cut up and roasted would be enough for our group of 12 (6 adults and 6 kids) She was not kidding. There were other components to the meal but still. She likes the idea of hosting all of us and wants to be welcoming but it freaks out to see how much food a group of 12 needs to have on hand.

You either need to ignore and go about your business or stay in a hotel. I would vote for the latter.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I have any advice to share, but this is pretty shocking.

It is one thing for a host to slack on hosting duties - not great, but forgivable.

But to actively comment on and discourage helping themselves, even to food that they bring themselves? That seems so deranged. I guess old people can get weird explanation might make sense...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is older people who get set in their ways and need so much less food. They forget what is normal.

We were staying with my parents once at a beach house, and my mom asked me if I thought the two potatoes she had cut up and roasted would be enough for our group of 12 (6 adults and 6 kids) She was not kidding. There were other components to the meal but still. She likes the idea of hosting all of us and wants to be welcoming but it freaks out to see how much food a group of 12 needs to have on hand.

You either need to ignore and go about your business or stay in a hotel. I would vote for the latter.

As someone from an Italian family, I cannot wrap my brain around this. My great aunts, my grandmothers, my mom...regularly cook(ed) enough food for an army at every family meal. Leftovers are available for days. If you don't eat your fair share, you are chastised, goaded and guilt tripped (only sort of kidding about this). Not that this is healthy, but I'd rather have too much than too little, I guess? Makes me sad for people who have to deal with this over the holidays. Food is central to these holidays; it brings people together. Those folks must be so unhappy that want to withhold it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can commisserate, my in laws do breakfast at 1030am and dinner at 8pm, no lunch.

My kiddos are 1yo and 3yo and are up at 630am and go to bed at 7pm.

Every. single. day. when I'm getting my kids breakfast they say "oh we will make breakfast at 1030". They literally cannot understand that two toddlers cannot go 4 hours in the morning without eating.

Similarly at dinnertime, why are you making them dinner we already have a planned meal. And every day I remind them the planned meal is after their bed time.

God, yeah. Those are my in-laws. They're retired and get up on the late side, and eat breakfast at 11 or later every day. Dinner is almost never before 9. They get annoyed that, when their kids and grandkids visit, someone will get up and make breakfast at 8:30 or 9, and then feed the kids around 6. We've all just decided to ignore their complaints. Because whiny elderly people don't get to override the fact that 7 year-olds can't wait for their lazy asses to get out of bed at a reasonable time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re about to go visit ILs for Thanksgiving, and it’s the typical story: there is no food in the house, they are weird about food, they hover/monitor/observe food preparation and consumption, they “close the kitchen,” etc.

We’ve tried sticking up for ourselves by bringing our own food and going out when we need to, and still they whine and grumble and criticize. I’m willing to ignore those antics, because at the end of the day, I’m not going to make myself or my kids uncomfortable, or teach my kids that it isn’t OK to eat three meals a day. (ILs only eat two meals a day and make a big production about how breakfast should be light because “it will be a big dinner,” and it’s not.) But I’d prefer not to hear grumbling, and wonder if anyone has managed to solve this problem without poking the bear. TIA for any productive advice!

Are they on a fixed income? Have they always been like this according to your spouse? They may just be broke/poor and don't want to admit it.

[Anonymous]

Hotel.

Older people who are set in their ways are difficult. Add an eating disorder onto it and they are rough to stay with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope all the other cultures are taking note of why "americans so easily cut off family" -- at least you guys are getting fed!

Yeah, I grew up in an Eastern European family where too little food was never an issue. My mother and aunts might have a host of personality issues, but if they ever suspected one of their guests might leave the table hungry, they would have committed ritual suicide due to the shame. I’ve found this to be true of people of all non-WASP backgrounds.

Letting your guests go hungry is the sign of a terrible person.

+1 Grew up Catholic and DH is African American - you don't exit our house without a go plate and that's on non-holidays. The idea of someone walking away hungry is genuinely upsetting to me, and as people in our families get older they may eat less personally but they're constantly checking on younger people to see whether they need seconds or are feeling peckish. WASPs on these boards seem miserable in general, though.

This is so relatable. I come from Irish/German Catholics on both sides. I have internalized this big time. Anytime I have guests, I go overboard on options and portions. For someone to be hungry is simply not an option. We can always have leftovers to snack on between meals if it's too much Married into a semi-WASPy family. They aren't terrible, but definitely less food centric. Once my FIL asked me if I had a tapeworm, because I was having a snack.... I was a size 4 at the time

[Anonymous]

Years ago I was given the words that still work in these types of situations (and I get it!) and I think this calls for it. "Thank you for your input" and go on about giving your kids snacks, eating lunch etc. When they say "But we will have dinner" or "but we just had breakfast". Just say the same, nonchalant "thanks for your input" "thanks for that suggestion" and go on about your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing about this is a “typical story” and the fact that you are framing it that way suggests that you have normalized this in your own head to a dangerous extent.

Stay outside this home, do it for a short time, and serve your kids regular meals and snacks if they need them no matter what.

NP. If you’ve been on DCUM for a while, this is indeed a thing that seems to happen a lot when younger families visit older adults. Don’t believe me? Use the handy Search function and type in “no food in this house,” “ILs,” “visiting parents,” “starving,” etc. So get off your high horse. Anyone with critical thinking skills can deduce:

1) Many older adults stop eating as much and don’t remember what it’s like to have a healthy appetite
2) Dementia and early onset dementia are contributing factors
3) Depression-era food wasting/food scarcity/economic instability is in play
4) WASP-y eating disorders are in play

So yeah, in the world of DCUM, this is a thing, and it’s been discussed many times on these very boards.

This issue is SO white people problems. All the disordered eating and obsession with being skinny that is so prevalent in white American culture comes to a head over this sort of thing. I am so so grateful that my chubby, Black self did not marry into a WASP family. Fwiw, I've got low blood pressure, low cholesterol, no blood sugar issues, and I'm very active. But skinny WASPs are often horrified by my body (size 14, 5'6").

[Anonymous]

When I was pregnant with my first my H and I spent Thanksgiving with MIL and SFIL. MIL had barely any food in the house and I was in my first trimester. MIL eats like a bird but I was so hungry I almost cried. I'm mad at my self for not speaking up more forcefully, but I was truly shocked at her being so oblivious.

[Anonymous]

To stay somewhere else or never actually plan overnight visits there. Leave dh there if he wants to starve on his own but you and the kids are getting a hotel, bed and breakfast, or heading back home where there is food. I told my husband I would never tell him he couldn't stay with his family but there's no way in hell I'm staying somewhere where food isn't an option for my kids. Guess where he chooses to stay I'll give you a hint it's not with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is older people who get set in their ways and need so much less food. They forget what is normal.

We were staying with my parents once at a beach house, and my mom asked me if I thought the two potatoes she had cut up and roasted would be enough for our group of 12 (6 adults and 6 kids) She was not kidding. There were other components to the meal but still. She likes the idea of hosting all of us and wants to be welcoming but it freaks out to see how much food a group of 12 needs to have on hand.

You either need to ignore and go about your business or stay in a hotel. I would vote for the latter.

As someone from an Italian family, I cannot wrap my brain around this. My great aunts, my grandmothers, my mom...regularly cook(ed) enough food for an army at every family meal. Leftovers are available for days. If you don't eat your fair share, you are chastised, goaded and guilt tripped (only sort of kidding about this). Not that this is healthy, but I'd rather have too much than too little, I guess? Makes me sad for people who have to deal with this over the holidays. Food is central to these holidays; it brings people together. Those folks must be so unhappy that want to withhold it.

Sad that you don’t mention any men doing cooking. What do they do? Wait to be served? Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is older people who get set in their ways and need so much less food. They forget what is normal.

We were staying with my parents once at a beach house, and my mom asked me if I thought the two potatoes she had cut up and roasted would be enough for our group of 12 (6 adults and 6 kids) She was not kidding. There were other components to the meal but still. She likes the idea of hosting all of us and wants to be welcoming but it freaks out to see how much food a group of 12 needs to have on hand.

You either need to ignore and go about your business or stay in a hotel. I would vote for the latter.

As someone from an Italian family, I cannot wrap my brain around this. My great aunts, my grandmothers, my mom...regularly cook(ed) enough food for an army at every family meal. Leftovers are available for days. If you don't eat your fair share, you are chastised, goaded and guilt tripped (only sort of kidding about this). Not that this is healthy, but I'd rather have too much than too little, I guess? Makes me sad for people who have to deal with this over the holidays. Food is central to these holidays; it brings people together. Those folks must be so unhappy that want to withhold it.

Sad that you don’t mention any men doing cooking. What do they do? Wait to be served? Gross.

Unfortunately no, the men did not do the cooking. What do you want me to do? I don't condone it. That's just the way it is. And it's like that in MOST cultures, including the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope all the other cultures are taking note of why "americans so easily cut off family" -- at least you guys are getting fed!

Yeah, I grew up in an Eastern European family where too little food was never an issue. My mother and aunts might have a host of personality issues, but if they ever suspected one of their guests might leave the table hungry, they would have committed ritual suicide due to the shame. I’ve found this to be true of people of all non-WASP backgrounds.

Letting your guests go hungry is the sign of a terrible person.

+1 Grew up Catholic and DH is African American - you don't exit our house without a go plate and that's on non-holidays. The idea of someone walking away hungry is genuinely upsetting to me, and as people in our families get older they may eat less personally but they're constantly checking on younger people to see whether they need seconds or are feeling peckish. WASPs on these boards seem miserable in general, though.

This is so relatable. I come from Irish/German Catholics on both sides. I have internalized this big time. Anytime I have guests, I go overboard on options and portions. For someone to be hungry is simply not an option. We can always have leftovers to snack on between meals if it's too much Married into a semi-WASPy family. They aren't terrible, but definitely less food centric. Once my FIL asked me if I had a tapeworm, because I was having a snack.... I was a size 4 at the time

I come from the other kind of Irish-American. Filled with self-loathing, both distrustful of pleasure and highly addictive, horrible cooks and mostly taste blind. By the time I was a kid, they had mostly stopped drinking, so every holiday was sticky buns and coffee and cigarettes, followed by chocolate chip cookies and coffee and cigarettes. No meals until roast beef and potatoes at 6:00. I loved it.