Sigh. Another lonely weekend for my teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same for my daughter, OP. And yes, she does care. Weekends are long for her. For most people, it’s terribly lonely being alone. I’m surprised how many people are dismissing the importance of company and friendship.

I don't think we're dismissing it. It's just that I really feel like most kids are not hanging out these weekends. I know a lot of previously very social kids who don't have all sorts of weekend plans.

Where would they be hanging out and what would they be doing? These kids aren’t even old enough to drive yet?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with OP's son (the world is vast and full of people with different preferences) but I'm confused by how shocked you are by the idea of teens hanging out on the weekend. They'd hang out on porches, or in backyards. My teen kicks a soccer ball back and forth with her friends and talks, or bikes to the park and talks, or walks to the bakery and talks. Where do you live that you can't imagine kids just....hanging out together?

Do you even have a teen? This sounds like something people who grew up in the 90’s or 80’s did.

+1. Like a John Hughes movie fantasy of teen social life.

My 13-year-old is on the go a lot on the weekends. They either hang at someone's house or go to the mall, downtown Bethesda, or Georgetown. She is a go-go-go type kid, and I wish she'd chill at home a bit more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same for my daughter, OP. And yes, she does care. Weekends are long for her. For most people, it’s terribly lonely being alone. I’m surprised how many people are dismissing the importance of company and friendship.

I don't think we're dismissing it. It's just that I really feel like most kids are not hanging out these weekends. I know a lot of previously very social kids who don't have all sorts of weekend plans.

Where would they be hanging out and what would they be doing? These kids aren’t even old enough to drive yet?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with OP's son (the world is vast and full of people with different preferences) but I'm confused by how shocked you are by the idea of teens hanging out on the weekend. They'd hang out on porches, or in backyards. My teen kicks a soccer ball back and forth with her friends and talks, or bikes to the park and talks, or walks to the bakery and talks. Where do you live that you can't imagine kids just....hanging out together?

Do you even have a teen? This sounds like something people who grew up in the 90’s or 80’s did.

+1. Like a John Hughes movie fantasy of teen social life.

My 13-year-old is on the go a lot on the weekends. They either hang at someone's house or go to the mall, downtown Bethesda, or Georgetown. She is a go-go-go type kid, and I wish she'd chill at home a bit more.

yes. At 13 my kids started walking to (or asking for rides to) each others' friends homes, meeting at Starbucks or CVS, meeting in downdown Bethesda or Georgetown, going to movies, etc.

Where do you live that your kids don't do this? Every kid I know does--I'm not being snarky. Genuinely curious. Do your kids not go to other kid's homes? Do they not ask for a ride to Georgetown?

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the thread, but my teen is in the same situation. Except he actually eats lunch alone most days. We came to Fairfax county new last year, and apparently if you're an introvert then this is not the place for you. My poor kid is so lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same for my daughter, OP. And yes, she does care. Weekends are long for her. For most people, it’s terribly lonely being alone. I’m surprised how many people are dismissing the importance of company and friendship.

I don't think we're dismissing it. It's just that I really feel like most kids are not hanging out these weekends. I know a lot of previously very social kids who don't have all sorts of weekend plans.

Where would they be hanging out and what would they be doing? These kids aren’t even old enough to drive yet?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with OP's son (the world is vast and full of people with different preferences) but I'm confused by how shocked you are by the idea of teens hanging out on the weekend. They'd hang out on porches, or in backyards. My teen kicks a soccer ball back and forth with her friends and talks, or bikes to the park and talks, or walks to the bakery and talks. Where do you live that you can't imagine kids just....hanging out together?

Do you even have a teen? This sounds like something people who grew up in the 90’s or 80’s did.

+1. Like a John Hughes movie fantasy of teen social life.

My 13-year-old is on the go a lot on the weekends. They either hang at someone's house or go to the mall, downtown Bethesda, or Georgetown. She is a go-go-go type kid, and I wish she'd chill at home a bit more.

yes. At 13 my kids started walking to (or asking for rides to) each others' friends homes, meeting at Starbucks or CVS, meeting in downdown Bethesda or Georgetown, going to movies, etc.

Where do you live that your kids don't do this? Every kid I know does--I'm not being snarky. Genuinely curious. Do your kids not go to other kid's homes? Do they not ask for a ride to Georgetown?

OP's whole point is that no, her kid is not doing these things. Neither is mine. I'm not sure if it depends on the specific school or the kid or what, but my kid had lots of friends in his former school and then came to this area and now has none. Seems like all the kids already have their friend groups, and a quiet kid just gets ignored. It's been a year and a half and he has made only one friend, and when the new year started he discovered that his schedule is different from the friend's and they never see each other. So he's back to no friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the thread, but my teen is in the same situation. Except he actually eats lunch alone most days. We came to Fairfax county new last year, and apparently if you're an introvert then this is not the place for you. My poor kid is so lonely.

This breaks my heart. Can you encourage him to find someone from his class to just sit nearby and eat lunch with? Whatever class he has for 5th or 6th period (if in FCPS) would have the same lunch period. That’s what I kept saying to my son - find someone from the class and go sit near them. He’s finally starting that a month and a half in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same for my daughter, OP. And yes, she does care. Weekends are long for her. For most people, it’s terribly lonely being alone. I’m surprised how many people are dismissing the importance of company and friendship.

I don't think we're dismissing it. It's just that I really feel like most kids are not hanging out these weekends. I know a lot of previously very social kids who don't have all sorts of weekend plans.

Where would they be hanging out and what would they be doing? These kids aren’t even old enough to drive yet?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with OP's son (the world is vast and full of people with different preferences) but I'm confused by how shocked you are by the idea of teens hanging out on the weekend. They'd hang out on porches, or in backyards. My teen kicks a soccer ball back and forth with her friends and talks, or bikes to the park and talks, or walks to the bakery and talks. Where do you live that you can't imagine kids just....hanging out together?

Do you even have a teen? This sounds like something people who grew up in the 90’s or 80’s did.

+1. Like a John Hughes movie fantasy of teen social life.

My 13-year-old is on the go a lot on the weekends. They either hang at someone's house or go to the mall, downtown Bethesda, or Georgetown. She is a go-go-go type kid, and I wish she'd chill at home a bit more.

yes. At 13 my kids started walking to (or asking for rides to) each others' friends homes, meeting at Starbucks or CVS, meeting in downdown Bethesda or Georgetown, going to movies, etc.

Where do you live that your kids don't do this? Every kid I know does--I'm not being snarky. Genuinely curious. Do your kids not go to other kid's homes? Do they not ask for a ride to Georgetown?

Did you not read the OP?

[Anonymous]

I am OP of this thread. DS is now 16 and still same problems. Sometimes it doesn't get better...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am OP of this thread. DS is now 16 and still same problems. Sometimes it doesn't get better...

I'm sorry OP!!! Have some things improved? Is he happy in general?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, all in activities, a dog that needs walking, chores, homework, church and family time. To say nothing of scheduled events like birthday parties, seeing relatives.

There’s no time for random hangouts most weekends. I’m happy if my eldest DD gets 2-4 of downtime to read a book or watch a movie.

She has plenty of time to see her friends in school or her activities.

Why, as a family, are your weekends so long and boring?

You are literally making fun of other peoples' kids for seeing friends on the weekend?

Wow.

Listen, there are 16 hours of waking hours on Saturday and Sunday. That is 32 hours per weekend. That leaves plenty of time for normal kids to hang out with a friend.

How many hours are your children walking the dog?

My kids are top students, athletes, great grandchildren, etc and they see friends every weekend. As do the vast, vast majority of normal kids.

There is a subset of people on DCUM who just like to bash others. They always claim to have a great life (and mock others’ problems) but there is no way someone who takes jabs at anonymous strangers is happy IRL. I say a prayer for them, and hope things get better for them.

yes, but this is a new low. This person calling other people pathetic for spending time with friends. WOW

You misread my post. The point was that you can fill your weekends so your kid isn’t sitting around moping. Nobody insulted anyone else for hanging out with friends. Nobody said anything about anyone being pathetic — except, of course, YOU did, actually.

Reread the post and your response. You are the one bringing insults into this thread.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, DS is at an area private?
The social scene is brutal. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, all in activities, a dog that needs walking, chores, homework, church and family time. To say nothing of scheduled events like birthday parties, seeing relatives.

There’s no time for random hangouts most weekends. I’m happy if my eldest DD gets 2-4 of downtime to read a book or watch a movie.

She has plenty of time to see her friends in school or her activities.

Why, as a family, are your weekends so long and boring?

You are literally making fun of other peoples' kids for seeing friends on the weekend?

Wow.

Listen, there are 16 hours of waking hours on Saturday and Sunday. That is 32 hours per weekend. That leaves plenty of time for normal kids to hang out with a friend.

How many hours are your children walking the dog?

My kids are top students, athletes, great grandchildren, etc and they see friends every weekend. As do the vast, vast majority of normal kids.

There is a subset of people on DCUM who just like to bash others. They always claim to have a great life (and mock others’ problems) but there is no way someone who takes jabs at anonymous strangers is happy IRL. I say a prayer for them, and hope things get better for them.

yes, but this is a new low. This person calling other people pathetic for spending time with friends. WOW

You misread my post. The point was that you can fill your weekends so your kid isn’t sitting around moping. Nobody insulted anyone else for hanging out with friends. Nobody said anything about anyone being pathetic — except, of course, YOU did, actually.

Reread the post and your response. You are the one bringing insults into this thread.

Different poster.
How is saying "Why, as a family, are your weekends so long and boring?" not an insult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, all in activities, a dog that needs walking, chores, homework, church and family time. To say nothing of scheduled events like birthday parties, seeing relatives.

There’s no time for random hangouts most weekends. I’m happy if my eldest DD gets 2-4 of downtime to read a book or watch a movie.

She has plenty of time to see her friends in school or her activities.

Why, as a family, are your weekends so long and boring?

You are literally making fun of other peoples' kids for seeing friends on the weekend?

Wow.

Listen, there are 16 hours of waking hours on Saturday and Sunday. That is 32 hours per weekend. That leaves plenty of time for normal kids to hang out with a friend.

How many hours are your children walking the dog?

My kids are top students, athletes, great grandchildren, etc and they see friends every weekend. As do the vast, vast majority of normal kids.

There is a subset of people on DCUM who just like to bash others. They always claim to have a great life (and mock others’ problems) but there is no way someone who takes jabs at anonymous strangers is happy IRL. I say a prayer for them, and hope things get better for them.

yes, but this is a new low. This person calling other people pathetic for spending time with friends. WOW

You misread my post. The point was that you can fill your weekends so your kid isn’t sitting around moping. Nobody insulted anyone else for hanging out with friends. Nobody said anything about anyone being pathetic — except, of course, YOU did, actually.

Reread the post and your response. You are the one bringing insults into this thread.

Different poster.
How is saying "Why, as a family, are your weekends so long and boring?" not an insult?

It’s a pointed question, it’s not an insult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staring down a long, lonely weekend for my 13 year old DS. There are two sports practices over the weekend so he will have some social interaction but even his long-time sport has not led to outside friendships. He has what adults might call "acquaintances" at school who he eats lunch with (or so he tells me) but no one who has translated into a friend to do things with outside of school. He used to have tons of friends in elementary and now has basically none. He is a friendly, upbeat kid but also marches to the beat of his own drum. I am totally at a loss as to why he is in this situation. I mean I see all kinds of groups of kids at his school and I just find it so hard to believe that he cannot find his group. I keep encouraging him to invite kids to do things but he is reluctant. I think his reluctance is based on how he used to invite kids to do things but he was rejected by some kids and others never reciprocated so he has stopped. We do plenty of activities as a family, so it is not that he is actually sitting around, but it just really, really sucks. When my own friends go on and on about how their kids are so busy, and have all these social obligations, I just feel sad. I try very hard not to make my DS feel bad about his situation, but I can only encourage him to reach out so much before I need to back off. Thanks for listening. Just kind of sad this afternoon.

I could have written this about both of my kids. Sorry that you and your son are experiencing this; but it is comforting to know it's not just my kids/family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 17 year old and he is still the same. He is a very sweet kid with lots of interests including sports, politics, etc but I think he finds it hard to take friendships to a closer level. He also was very slow to join social media, in fact still does little with it, and I think that is a lot of how kids bonded, particularly in late middle school.

On one hand I do think my son has learned to enjoy his own company, which is great. On the other hand, I think he is often lonely (he is also an only child) and I think it is developmentally appropriate for teens to socialize with each other so find it a little concerning he is missing out on that.

It has given us food for thought as we discuss colleges (son is applying now). Some people have advised that son might more easily find friends at a smaller college, but I actually think he could feel more left out there as not being part of a group would be more noticeable (it is not like my son’s personality will magically change when he goes to college, and all of a sudden find it easy to make lots of friends). So I am encouraging him to apply to some larger colleges, and crossing my fingers he finds a few good friends at that stage of life.

This is my son! He's a sophomore in college now, though. But he's commuting to a local college from home. I think he is finally expressing a desire to have friends/buddies. I don't know if the lack of friends bothered him in high school (I think it did. He had a lot of friends until middle school and struggled since then. He just didn't express any concerns about it through high school.) He also has some anxiety and needs to feel comfortable. It's taken him a year of my promoting the campus ministry to him to finally gather up the courage and coordinate his schedule to finally attend his first gathering. He has met some others through ROTC; but that still doesn't translate to a social life outside of ROTC. Living at home doesn't help and hopefully he'll get even more involved in the campus life when he moves out of here and lives on/near campus next year.

As parents, we tried for years. There's only so much you can do and now we just have to continue being encouraging and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid who would love to be busy all weekend socially but seems to have friends whose parents are either weird about covid or who aren’t as social as her so her plans are more sporadic. And I have one kid who would love nothing more than to sit around chilling on her phone/Netflix after a long week of school but has friends constantly bugging her to do stuff, and all of them have parents who allowed sleepovers at our house since mid April 2020.

My kids do usually have social plans once a week at minimum, but all of their friends live in the neighborhood.

It was a weird year and a half. Lots of friendships faded away. I get the feeling lots of kids are alone.

The problem with group activities like sports is that large group dynamics don’t lend themselves to deepened friendships with more socially shy kids. The socially adept ones tend to dominate. I’d suggest 2 things:

1. Clubs that tend to attract your less typical kids

2. Do any of your friends have kids this age? Within 2 years? I became friends with quite a few of my kids friends parents over the years, but it would work just as well in reverse. If you don’t have any friends yourself, are you surprised he doesn’t either?

I think girls are different than guys in terms of socialness, honestly.

True. But I have one of each and both have zero social life outside of the school day or school activities.