55 y.o. Female - no desire to date, what’s my problem
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Anonymous
Nope. What happens in the majority of posts is an isolated issue between two people turns into sweeping blamefests against men. Everyone starts popping up out of their gopher holes and takes snipes. And that is why you get the male responses that you do. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think it's great you recognize what you want and don't want, which comes with experience and age. I am singe and a few years younger than you and the best thing people can be is honest. Look at all the men complaining about being in a sex-starved marriage. If more women were honest with what they want, there would be less misery all around.
You can always change your mind if the libido comes back. |
Anonymous
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New poster
I don’t think you have a problem! If you don’t want to date it makes your life easier! Once you want something a man can potentially give you - you will start dating! Simple! I am 45 and divorced and the best thing there is is spending a weekend alone! Love it! |
Anonymous
This is the best response. If you aren't sure, find a therapist. They will be able to help you sort out about whether you have lost interest in everything, or just this one thing (and then why you feel unsettled by that). |
Anonymous
If you marry a man who is awful, yeah you have to take responsibility for choosing poorly. The guy did not turn into a monster. The signs were there, you didn’t see them or ignored them, and that’s on you. On DCUM it is rarely a wife beater who is the problem. It’s usually women whining about how their DH is lazy, boring, incompetent, and refuses to listen to their “gentle suggestions” (incessant nagging). You chose that guy, too. What mostly changed about him is that he learned FROM YOU to be that way. As nothing he ever did satisfied you, he gave up trying. |
Anonymous
I think it is mostly women who say "you married the loser!" And I think a lot of people don't really believe that the complainer is without fault in the dysfunctional relationship. it's always weird to read these screeds against how horrible some husband, or ex-husband, is, and how the poster is this victim. Like didn't you date and then choose to marry this person? Is the husband really that bad? Or do you just have a bad relationship, in which you play a role? |
Anonymous
See you're doing it again, claiming that men learn from their wives to be useless. Are men just never at fault for anything? |
Anonymous
Also, a lot of people change when they marry. Maybe physical violence isn't an issue you see a lot on DCUM, but it's not like all battered wives were battered girlfriends first. Abusive men are smarter than that. |
Anonymous
The bold is so true. If abusive men were abusive from the get go, they would never be able to abuse. Abusive men groom women just like pedophiles groom their victims. The abuser is very engaging, charming and attentive in the beginning. Only when the woman is firmly on the hook (after I love yous, becoming a couple, engagement, moving in or marriage), does the abuser begin to test boundaries in subtle ways, slowly upping the boundary testing, and including cycles of tension-building, conflict and making up. Our culture encourages women to stay in relationships even despite difficulties by telling us that relationships are hard, and take work and require compromise. The subtle boundary testing is difficult to differentiate from normal disagreement. Often it takes years to come to a place where abuse really starts and by that time women are often tied down financially, with kids and poor career opportunity. Women do not choose abusers. The abuser chooses us. In my case, it was only after a solid year of slerious sleuthing that I was able to uncover my exDH’s cheating and the web of lies he constructed to cover up things. |
Anonymous
+1. Where does it say that everyone, everywhere, regardless of the circumstances, has to have a desire to date and if you don't, you have a problem? Please. |
Anonymous
The behavior of the person they married is a driving force in that change. Most men will do what they think makes their wife happy. Right or wrong they may think that she wants to decide everything about child raising and home maintenance, and they’ll let her make those decisions. Most men also get tired of the endless struggle for power with her, where she pushes and pushes to get her way, and so he lets her have her way just to get a little peace. Then she is surprised when he gives up and she has the power but realizes she never actually wanted it. Can you really blame the man for giving up in this situation?
Yes, they do. Just look at how often guys on death row get fan mail from women who are hot for the ultimate bad boy. |
Anonymous
I'm not angry, just annoyed. Annoyed that a fat, purple-haired, cat-ranching, HR Karen thinks she is entitled to my attention, or that her opinions should carry any weight in society. She is a loser. In Hobbes' state of nature, she'd be the first one put into the cook pot. |
Anonymous
You again? For the millionth time, cheating is not "abuse" in the sense that anyone uses that word, so stop trying to play that card. And yes, affairs are almost always hidden, abuse less so, but it does happen. And you are right about the boundary testing and all that. |
Anonymous
Emotional abusers do not show their true colors until they have you trapped. Everything comes out after marriage. You can’t use this logic in those situations. |
Anonymous
What makes you think that a woman who isn’t interested in dating wants your attention? |