Reply to 55 y.o. Female - no desire to date, what’s my problem

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This has been a fun read! I’d love to see all the man haters meet and then be a fly on the wall and just listen in. The stories! The misery! Please keep in mind that for those of you who got divorced or are in a crappy marriage….YOU MARRIED THE LOSER! WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOUR DECISION MAKING?[/quote]

Good question! No answers so far! [/quote]

Classic male DARVO response. 
Man does bad thing. Blame his mother for raising him. Blame his wife for marrying him. [/quote]

Classic female behavior. Complain and blame, complain and blame. [/quote]

I don’t have anything to complain about. 
But I do find it telling that when a woman complains about an awful husband, the male reaction on here is “you married the loser!” 
Do you say that in cases where a man beats his wife? “Well, she was stupid to marry him”. Men not being awful never seems to be an option, but it’s women’s responsibility to know in advance that he might turn into a monster. Very “boys will be boys”. 
[/quote]

If you marry a man who is awful, yeah you have to take responsibility for choosing poorly. The guy did not turn into a monster. The signs were there, you didn’t see them or ignored them, and that’s on you.

On DCUM it is rarely a wife beater who is the problem. It’s usually women whining about how their DH is lazy, boring, incompetent, and refuses to listen to their “gentle suggestions” (incessant nagging). You chose that guy, too. What mostly changed about him is that he learned FROM YOU to be that way. As nothing he ever did satisfied you, he gave up trying.[/quote]

Also, a lot of people change when they marry. Maybe physical violence isn't an issue you see a lot on DCUM, but [b]it's not like all battered wives were battered girlfriends first. Abusive men are smarter than that.[/b] [/quote]

The bold is so true. If abusive men were abusive from the get go, they would never be able to abuse.  Abusive men groom women just like pedophiles groom their victims.  The abuser is very engaging, charming and attentive in the beginning. Only when the woman is firmly on the hook (after I love yous, becoming a couple, engagement, moving in or marriage), does the abuser begin to test boundaries in subtle ways, slowly upping the boundary testing, and including cycles of tension-building, conflict and making up.  Our culture encourages women to stay in relationships even despite difficulties by telling us that relationships are hard, and take work and require compromise.  The subtle boundary testing is difficult to differentiate from normal disagreement.   Often it takes years to come to a place where abuse really starts and by that time women are often tied down financially, with kids and poor career opportunity.

Women do not choose abusers. The abuser chooses us.  In my case, it was only after a solid year of slerious sleuthing that I was able to uncover my exDH’s cheating and the web of lies he constructed to cover up things. [/quote]

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