I’m at my wits’ end with DH’s lack of communication

[Anonymous]

Sorry this is long, partly looking for advice, partly to vent.

DH has always been a poor communicator. It shows up in a lot of ways, but the biggest recurring issue is that he doesn’t communicate changes of plans, especially when it affects dinner.

I hate cooking, but I do it most nights so our family can have a reasonably healthy meal and leftovers for lunch. It’s part of our division of labor since I get home earlier. That said, if DH isn’t eating at home, I don’t want to cook a full dinner. I’ll do something easy for myself and the kids (cereal, PBJ, mac and cheese) and call it a night. It saves me time and sanity.

The problem is, 9 times out of 10, if he’s not coming home for dinner, he doesn’t let me know. It’s not like something suddenly comes up, he knows in when he’s staying late and not heading to his car to come home or going somewhere after work instead of home. But he doesn’t send a quick text. Instead, I end up texting when he’s late enough to notice, and then he tells me to eat without him. We’ve talked about this many times. We’ve argued about it. All I’m asking for is a simple heads-up text so I know not to start cooking. I’m not going to chase him down every day like he’s a teenager; this feels like a very basic level of consideration.

For context, he was told years ago by a therapist that he has C-PTSD and an avoidant attachment style due to childhood issues, which supposedly contributes to his communication problems. I can have empathy for that, but at the end of the day, he is perfectly capable of sending a 5-second text; his excuse feels like a cop out.

Today was a perfect example. He took a half day to go golfing with colleagues. We had a plan for him to grab pizza on the way home. Then I offered to pick up sushi for us instead, and he said yes. I ordered the large platter we both usually eat. Turns out, after golf they decided to eat at the clubhouse, and he didn’t tell me until I texted asking where he was. So now I have a bunch of sushi I didn’t really want, instead of either getting something I prefer or just making something simple. It’s always some version of this.

So, how do I actually fix this? Conversations haven’t worked. Repeated reminders haven’t worked. I’m getting to the point where I want to have a real “come to Jesus” talk, but I don’t even know what the consequence or boundary should be. It’s not quite a hill I’d die on, but it’s getting close, because it feels disrespectful and dismissive of my time and effort.

Has anyone dealt with this and actually gotten through to their spouse? What worked?

[Anonymous]

Stop offering him food if he cannot communicate.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't have offered to get the sushi that you didn't want. He was already in charge of the pizza, but you changed that. He no longer had to be in charge of that. It feels like you led yourself right into that one. If you were worried he wouldn't get the pizza, then I wouldn't have said anything and just gotten a back-up that you wanted.

I am guessing that you need some techniques to better deal with him.

I would text him every single day before you start making dinner. Verifying that you are eating here tonight. If he then doesn't show up, you can start showing him the pattern.

Also, realistically, how often does this happen. Once a month? A few times per week? That makes a difference. If he does it a lot, stop making dinner that he would want and just make what you would make for you and the kids (though the things you mention don't sound healthy to eat regularly) and make enough for him.

Basically, don't wait until he's late. If he's going to act like a teenager, treat him like one.

Also, has he always done this? Or is this more recent?

[Anonymous]

How often does he do this? Are you exaggerating because you're upset right now, and it's really just once in a while? Or does he do it several times a week?

[Anonymous]

If I were him I would still want you to cook so I could have it when I get home or have the left overs so I'm wondering if it's really forgetfulness at all.

I think you probably need to rethink the whole plan. You can make a soup or casserole Sunday nights that he can reheat whenever and the default would be you and the kids eating whatever you guys wanted, so that way you assume he is not coming home and you only cook a special meal for him if he contacts you in advance in a timely manner so you can cook a full dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop offering him food if he cannot communicate.

So I should never cook dinner on the chance he works over or makes plans after work and chooses not to communicate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop offering him food if he cannot communicate.

Stop offering him anything or requesting anything of him.

He’s selfish, doesn’t care, can’t remember jack squat, or all of the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't have offered to get the sushi that you didn't want. He was already in charge of the pizza, but you changed that. He no longer had to be in charge of that. It feels like you led yourself right into that one. If you were worried he wouldn't get the pizza, then I wouldn't have said anything and just gotten a back-up that you wanted.

I am guessing that you need some techniques to better deal with him.

I would text him every single day before you start making dinner. Verifying that you are eating here tonight. If he then doesn't show up, you can start showing him the pattern.

Also, realistically, how often does this happen. Once a month? A few times per week? That makes a difference. If he does it a lot, stop making dinner that he would want and just make what you would make for you and the kids (though the things you mention don't sound healthy to eat regularly) and make enough for him.

Basically, don't wait until he's late. If he's going to act like a teenager, treat him like one.

Also, has he always done this? Or is this more recent?

It’s always been an issue but more frequent within the past 2-3 years. I’d say it happens once a week, or at the very least, once every two weeks. So 2-4 times a month.

It’s just that it feels so blatantly disrespectful. He knows I would like him to simply communicate the change of plans. He also knows I enjoy these “nights off” (when he does let me know) so it’s almost like a reward for him to tell me. I can’t understand why he can’t simply text as soon as he knows there is a change in routine. It’s starting to feel weaponized, but I can’t figure out what he gains from upsetting me with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop offering him food if he cannot communicate.

So I should never cook dinner on the chance he works over or makes plans after work and chooses not to communicate?

DP. You're talking about of both sides of your mouth here. First you said that if he isn't coming home you'd make things like Mac and cheese for you and the kids. Now you're incensed that someone is basically saying cook what you want since he doesn't communicate. Make meals. Find easy recipes. Cook reasonably healthfully for you and the kids. If DH shows up, fine. If not, there are more leftovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't have offered to get the sushi that you didn't want. He was already in charge of the pizza, but you changed that. He no longer had to be in charge of that. It feels like you led yourself right into that one. If you were worried he wouldn't get the pizza, then I wouldn't have said anything and just gotten a back-up that you wanted.

I am guessing that you need some techniques to better deal with him.

I would text him every single day before you start making dinner. Verifying that you are eating here tonight. If he then doesn't show up, you can start showing him the pattern.

Also, realistically, how often does this happen. Once a month? A few times per week? That makes a difference. If he does it a lot, stop making dinner that he would want and just make what you would make for you and the kids (though the things you mention don't sound healthy to eat regularly) and make enough for him.

Basically, don't wait until he's late. If he's going to act like a teenager, treat him like one.

Also, has he always done this? Or is this more recent?

It’s always been an issue but more frequent within the past 2-3 years. I’d say it happens once a week, or at the very least, once every two weeks. So 2-4 times a month.

It’s just that it feels so blatantly disrespectful. He knows I would like him to simply communicate the change of plans. He also knows I enjoy these “nights off” (when he does let me know) so it’s almost like a reward for him to tell me. I can’t understand why he can’t simply text as soon as he knows there is a change in routine. It’s starting to feel weaponized, but I can’t figure out what he gains from upsetting me with this.

I hear what you're saying, and I agree with you. But clearly he is doing this as a form of passive aggressive punishment--assuming he doesn't have some sort of developing cognitive issue like early onset dementia or Alzheimers. (You mentioned teenagers, so I'm assuming he's in his 50s.) Could he be having an affair? Midlife crises?

Basically, if he wasn't doing it before, but now it is becoming somewhat regular, then something is going on with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry this is long, partly looking for advice, partly to vent.

DH has always been a poor communicator. It shows up in a lot of ways, but the biggest recurring issue is that he doesn’t communicate changes of plans, especially when it affects dinner.

I hate cooking, but I do it most nights so our family can have a reasonably healthy meal and leftovers for lunch. It’s part of our division of labor since I get home earlier. That said, if DH isn’t eating at home, I don’t want to cook a full dinner. I’ll do something easy for myself and the kids (cereal, PBJ, mac and cheese) and call it a night. It saves me time and sanity.

The problem is, 9 times out of 10, if he’s not coming home for dinner, he doesn’t let me know. It’s not like something suddenly comes up, he knows in when he’s staying late and not heading to his car to come home or going somewhere after work instead of home. But he doesn’t send a quick text. Instead, I end up texting when he’s late enough to notice, and then he tells me to eat without him. We’ve talked about this many times. We’ve argued about it. All I’m asking for is a simple heads-up text so I know not to start cooking. I’m not going to chase him down every day like he’s a teenager; this feels like a very basic level of consideration.

For context, he was told years ago by a therapist that he has C-PTSD and an avoidant attachment style due to childhood issues, which supposedly contributes to his communication problems. I can have empathy for that, but at the end of the day, he is perfectly capable of sending a 5-second text; his excuse feels like a cop out.

Today was a perfect example. He took a half day to go golfing with colleagues. We had a plan for him to grab pizza on the way home. Then I offered to pick up sushi for us instead, and he said yes. I ordered the large platter we both usually eat. Turns out, after golf they decided to eat at the clubhouse, and he didn’t tell me until I texted asking where he was. So now I have a bunch of sushi I didn’t really want, instead of either getting something I prefer or just making something simple. It’s always some version of this.

So, how do I actually fix this? Conversations haven’t worked. Repeated reminders haven’t worked. I’m getting to the point where I want to have a real “come to Jesus” talk, but I don’t even know what the consequence or boundary should be. It’s not quite a hill I’d die on, but it’s getting close, because it feels disrespectful and dismissive of my time and effort.

Has anyone dealt with this and actually gotten through to their spouse? What worked?

Your baseline for dinner is your husband. Change to you and your kids - prepare for you and your kids and if he wants to eat, he eats what you guys are having. Seems easy to me.

- DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't have offered to get the sushi that you didn't want. He was already in charge of the pizza, but you changed that. He no longer had to be in charge of that. It feels like you led yourself right into that one. If you were worried he wouldn't get the pizza, then I wouldn't have said anything and just gotten a back-up that you wanted.

I am guessing that you need some techniques to better deal with him.

I would text him every single day before you start making dinner. Verifying that you are eating here tonight. If he then doesn't show up, you can start showing him the pattern.

Also, realistically, how often does this happen. Once a month? A few times per week? That makes a difference. If he does it a lot, stop making dinner that he would want and just make what you would make for you and the kids (though the things you mention don't sound healthy to eat regularly) and make enough for him.

Basically, don't wait until he's late. If he's going to act like a teenager, treat him like one.

Also, has he always done this? Or is this more recent?

It’s always been an issue but more frequent within the past 2-3 years. I’d say it happens once a week, or at the very least, once every two weeks. So 2-4 times a month.

It’s just that it feels so blatantly disrespectful. He knows I would like him to simply communicate the change of plans. He also knows I enjoy these “nights off” (when he does let me know) so it’s almost like a reward for him to tell me. I can’t understand why he can’t simply text as soon as he knows there is a change in routine. It’s starting to feel weaponized, but I can’t figure out what he gains from upsetting me with this.

I hear what you're saying, and I agree with you. But clearly he is doing this as a form of passive aggressive punishment--assuming he doesn't have some sort of developing cognitive issue like early onset dementia or Alzheimers. (You mentioned teenagers, so I'm assuming he's in his 50s.) Could he be having an affair? Midlife crises?

Basically, if he wasn't doing it before, but now it is becoming somewhat regular, then something is going on with him.

I just don't think it's that deep. If he's working, it's probably just that he's aware he's still working at his desk at 5, but he's not quite sure exactly what time he's coming home so he figures let her cook and he'll reheat when he gets home which is better than cereal. In the example above, of he agrees to pick up pizza and then stays out late that's crappy but once she decided to get sushi, he probably felt off the hook. Mom and kids are fed, now it opens up his choices to eat with friends or have sushi with the family. It's kind of selfish because he's keeping options open but I highly doubt he's sending passive aggressive messages.

[Anonymous]

It’s not deep at all: he does not care about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't have offered to get the sushi that you didn't want. He was already in charge of the pizza, but you changed that. He no longer had to be in charge of that. It feels like you led yourself right into that one. If you were worried he wouldn't get the pizza, then I wouldn't have said anything and just gotten a back-up that you wanted.

I am guessing that you need some techniques to better deal with him.

I would text him every single day before you start making dinner. Verifying that you are eating here tonight. If he then doesn't show up, you can start showing him the pattern.

Also, realistically, how often does this happen. Once a month? A few times per week? That makes a difference. If he does it a lot, stop making dinner that he would want and just make what you would make for you and the kids (though the things you mention don't sound healthy to eat regularly) and make enough for him.

Basically, don't wait until he's late. If he's going to act like a teenager, treat him like one.

Also, has he always done this? Or is this more recent?

It’s always been an issue but more frequent within the past 2-3 years. I’d say it happens once a week, or at the very least, once every two weeks. So 2-4 times a month.

It’s just that it feels so blatantly disrespectful. He knows I would like him to simply communicate the change of plans. He also knows I enjoy these “nights off” (when he does let me know) so it’s almost like a reward for him to tell me. I can’t understand why he can’t simply text as soon as he knows there is a change in routine. It’s starting to feel weaponized, but I can’t figure out what he gains from upsetting me with this.

I hear what you're saying, and I agree with you. But clearly he is doing this as a form of passive aggressive punishment--assuming he doesn't have some sort of developing cognitive issue like early onset dementia or Alzheimers. (You mentioned teenagers, so I'm assuming he's in his 50s.) Could he be having an affair? Midlife crises?

Basically, if he wasn't doing it before, but now it is becoming somewhat regular, then something is going on with him.

I just don't think it's that deep. If he's working, it's probably just that he's aware he's still working at his desk at 5, but he's not quite sure exactly what time he's coming home so he figures let her cook and he'll reheat when he gets home which is better than cereal. In the example above, of he agrees to pick up pizza and then stays out late that's crappy but once she decided to get sushi, he probably felt off the hook. Mom and kids are fed, now it opens up his choices to eat with friends or have sushi with the family. It's kind of selfish because he's keeping options open but I highly doubt he's sending passive aggressive messages.

I agree, but at the same time, if this is something you know upsets your spouse, and the solution is a simple text, why not just send the text? Sure, maybe not when you’re deep in work, but at the golf course? If you make plans after work? What’s stopping him from texting as soon as he realizes he will be eating at the course, or going wherever instead of home? I agree with OP in that regard. That’s just rude and selfish, especially if he knows she likes the break from cooking a large meal, which he won’t be eating anyway.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like you're making A Whole Thing out of something that just isn't. Cook (or order) for him, or don't. Expect that he might be flaky so don't make things revolve around him. If he's making a big deal about not having food or something, then that's an issue, but it sounds like he doesn't care. Worst case you have some leftovers.