I’m at my wits’ end with DH’s lack of communication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry this is long, partly looking for advice, partly to vent.

DH has always been a poor communicator. It shows up in a lot of ways, but the biggest recurring issue is that he doesn’t communicate changes of plans, especially when it affects dinner.

I hate cooking, but I do it most nights so our family can have a reasonably healthy meal and leftovers for lunch. It’s part of our division of labor since I get home earlier. That said, if DH isn’t eating at home, I don’t want to cook a full dinner. I’ll do something easy for myself and the kids (cereal, PBJ, mac and cheese) and call it a night. It saves me time and sanity.

The problem is, 9 times out of 10, if he’s not coming home for dinner, he doesn’t let me know. It’s not like something suddenly comes up, he knows in when he’s staying late and not heading to his car to come home or going somewhere after work instead of home. But he doesn’t send a quick text. Instead, I end up texting when he’s late enough to notice, and then he tells me to eat without him. We’ve talked about this many times. We’ve argued about it. All I’m asking for is a simple heads-up text so I know not to start cooking. I’m not going to chase him down every day like he’s a teenager; this feels like a very basic level of consideration.

For context, he was told years ago by a therapist that he has C-PTSD and an avoidant attachment style due to childhood issues, which supposedly contributes to his communication problems. I can have empathy for that, but at the end of the day, he is perfectly capable of sending a 5-second text; his excuse feels like a cop out.

Today was a perfect example. He took a half day to go golfing with colleagues. We had a plan for him to grab pizza on the way home. Then I offered to pick up sushi for us instead, and he said yes. I ordered the large platter we both usually eat. Turns out, after golf they decided to eat at the clubhouse, and he didn’t tell me until I texted asking where he was. So now I have a bunch of sushi I didn’t really want, instead of either getting something I prefer or just making something simple. It’s always some version of this.

So, how do I actually fix this? Conversations haven’t worked. Repeated reminders haven’t worked. I’m getting to the point where I want to have a real “come to Jesus” talk, but I don’t even know what the consequence or boundary should be. It’s not quite a hill I’d die on, but it’s getting close, because it feels disrespectful and dismissive of my time and effort.

Has anyone dealt with this and actually gotten through to their spouse? What worked?

Your baseline for dinner is your husband. Change to you and your kids - prepare for you and your kids and if he wants to eat, he eats what you guys are having. Seems easy to me.

- DH

Also DH and 100% agree. He will be fine on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girllll.
You are not his momma.

Since he can’t properly communicate on dinner plans .. Let him figure out his what he’s going to eat.

Tit for tat and passive aggressive behavior, just push a family towards conflict and divorce. This is no way to improve a relationship.

-1

[Anonymous]

You know you married a bad communicator. He is also a jerk. You have to decide if that is ok.

But making this specific issue into the litmus test is strange. As the prior DH poster said, do what makes sense for you and the kids for dinner. Stop thinking you have to make something different if your husband will be home. If he doesn’t like what you serve, then he can make himself a sandwich (or whatever).


My issue is a little different, but I have a teen and a husband who can’t seem to agree on a single meal they will both eat that is home cooked. This is super annoying, and I am the only one who cooks. So, I just make what I want to eat. Sometimes my husband likes it, sometimes my kid does. The other one just has to piece together something from what is in the house. It really has reduced my frustration of the ridiculousness of the situation. I also generally have leftovers around which can help the situation as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know you married a bad communicator. He is also a jerk. You have to decide if that is ok.

But making this specific issue into the litmus test is strange. As the prior DH poster said, do what makes sense for you and the kids for dinner. Stop thinking you have to make something different if your husband will be home. If he doesn’t like what you serve, then he can make himself a sandwich (or whatever).


My issue is a little different, but I have a teen and a husband who can’t seem to agree on a single meal they will both eat that is home cooked. This is super annoying, and I am the only one who cooks. So, I just make what I want to eat. Sometimes my husband likes it, sometimes my kid does. The other one just has to piece together something from what is in the house. It really has reduced my frustration of the ridiculousness of the situation. I also generally have leftovers around which can help the situation as well.

Or, he can/will learn to text. It’s really that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry this is long, partly looking for advice, partly to vent.

DH has always been a poor communicator. It shows up in a lot of ways, but the biggest recurring issue is that he doesn’t communicate changes of plans, especially when it affects dinner.

I hate cooking, but I do it most nights so our family can have a reasonably healthy meal and leftovers for lunch. It’s part of our division of labor since I get home earlier. That said, if DH isn’t eating at home, I don’t want to cook a full dinner. I’ll do something easy for myself and the kids (cereal, PBJ, mac and cheese) and call it a night. It saves me time and sanity.

The problem is, 9 times out of 10, if he’s not coming home for dinner, he doesn’t let me know. It’s not like something suddenly comes up, he knows in when he’s staying late and not heading to his car to come home or going somewhere after work instead of home. But he doesn’t send a quick text. Instead, I end up texting when he’s late enough to notice, and then he tells me to eat without him. We’ve talked about this many times. We’ve argued about it. All I’m asking for is a simple heads-up text so I know not to start cooking. I’m not going to chase him down every day like he’s a teenager; this feels like a very basic level of consideration.

For context, he was told years ago by a therapist that he has C-PTSD and an avoidant attachment style due to childhood issues, which supposedly contributes to his communication problems. I can have empathy for that, but at the end of the day, he is perfectly capable of sending a 5-second text; his excuse feels like a cop out.

Today was a perfect example. He took a half day to go golfing with colleagues. We had a plan for him to grab pizza on the way home. Then I offered to pick up sushi for us instead, and he said yes. I ordered the large platter we both usually eat. Turns out, after golf they decided to eat at the clubhouse, and he didn’t tell me until I texted asking where he was. So now I have a bunch of sushi I didn’t really want, instead of either getting something I prefer or just making something simple. It’s always some version of this.

So, how do I actually fix this? Conversations haven’t worked. Repeated reminders haven’t worked. I’m getting to the point where I want to have a real “come to Jesus” talk, but I don’t even know what the consequence or boundary should be. It’s not quite a hill I’d die on, but it’s getting close, because it feels disrespectful and dismissive of my time and effort.

Has anyone dealt with this and actually gotten through to their spouse? What worked?

Your baseline for dinner is your husband. Change to you and your kids - prepare for you and your kids and if he wants to eat, he eats what you guys are having. Seems easy to me.

- DH

This exactly. Easy solution

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you giving him the power over dinner? Make what you want for yourself and the kids every single night. Do takeout other nights. Or even Uber Eats, as it’s probably in your budget.

If he joins, he joins. If not, who cares.

This is the equivalent of being annoyed at your friend who always cancels. The advice is always stop making one-on-one plans with that person and have group events where the flaky friend’s absence doesn’t matter.

Take back your power OP.

Thanks! You’re probably right. I just love the times when he does call and I can just take the night off, so to speak. I feel so let down when he doesn’t give me a heads up. I guess I could incorporate “nights off” into my weekly routine, but it’s not the same thing as a spontaneous change of plans. I love those.

You come across as bizarrely ritualistic/in need of permission. It’s weird AF. I really don’t think he cares what you make. Feels like you’re making this all up in your head.

+100. You’re throwing a tantrum about something you can easily control. If you want to make pb and j sandwiches one evening, then do it. He can eat them too. Plan to cook three meals a week or whatever you want to do and then mostly stick to your plan