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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sorry this is long, partly looking for advice, partly to vent.

DH has always been a poor communicator. It shows up in a lot of ways, but the biggest recurring issue is that he doesn’t communicate changes of plans, especially when it affects dinner.

I hate cooking, but I do it most nights so our family can have a reasonably healthy meal and leftovers for lunch. It’s part of our division of labor since I get home earlier. That said, if DH isn’t eating at home, I don’t want to cook a full dinner. I’ll do something easy for myself and the kids (cereal, PBJ, mac and cheese) and call it a night. It saves me time and sanity.

The problem is, 9 times out of 10, if he’s not coming home for dinner, he doesn’t let me know. It’s not like something suddenly comes up, he knows in when he’s staying late and not heading to his car to come home or going somewhere after work instead of home. But he doesn’t send a quick text. Instead, I end up texting when he’s late enough to notice, and then he tells me to eat without him. We’ve talked about this many times. We’ve argued about it. All I’m asking for is a simple heads-up text so I know not to start cooking. I’m not going to chase him down every day like he’s a teenager; this feels like a very basic level of consideration.

For context, he was told years ago by a therapist that he has C-PTSD and an avoidant attachment style due to childhood issues, which supposedly contributes to his communication problems. I can have empathy for that, but at the end of the day, he is perfectly capable of sending a 5-second text; his excuse feels like a cop out.

Today was a perfect example. He took a half day to go golfing with colleagues. We had a plan for him to grab pizza on the way home. Then I offered to pick up sushi for us instead, and he said yes. I ordered the large platter we both usually eat. Turns out, after golf they decided to eat at the clubhouse, and he didn’t tell me until I texted asking where he was. So now I have a bunch of sushi I didn’t really want, instead of either getting something I prefer or just making something simple. It’s always some version of this.

So, how do I actually fix this? Conversations haven’t worked. Repeated reminders haven’t worked. I’m getting to the point where I want to have a real “come to Jesus” talk, but I don’t even know what the consequence or boundary should be. It’s not quite a hill I’d die on, but it’s getting close, because it feels disrespectful and dismissive of my time and effort.

Has anyone dealt with this and actually gotten through to their spouse? What worked?[/quote]

Your baseline for dinner is your husband. Change to you and your kids - prepare for you and your kids and if he wants to eat, he eats what you guys are having. Seems easy to me.

- DH[/quote]

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