Reply to I’m at my wits’ end with DH’s lack of communication

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You shouldn't have offered to get the sushi that you didn't want. He was already in charge of the pizza, but you changed that. He no longer had to be in charge of that. It feels like you led yourself right into that one. If you were worried he wouldn't get the pizza, then I wouldn't have said anything and just gotten a back-up that you wanted.

I am guessing that you need some techniques to better deal with him.

I would text him every single day before you start making dinner. Verifying that you are eating here tonight. If he then doesn't show up, you can start showing him the pattern.

Also, realistically, how often does this happen. Once a month? A few times per week? That makes a difference. If he does it a lot, stop making dinner that he would want and just make what you would make for you and the kids (though the things you mention don't sound healthy to eat regularly) and make enough for him.

Basically, don't wait until he's late. If he's going to act like a teenager, treat him like one.

Also, has he always done this? Or is this more recent?[/quote]
It’s always been an issue but more frequent within the past 2-3 years. I’d say it happens once a week, or at the very least, once every two weeks. So 2-4 times a month.

It’s just that it feels so blatantly disrespectful. He knows I would like him to simply communicate the change of plans. He also knows I enjoy these “nights off” (when he does let me know) so it’s almost like a reward for him to tell me. [b]I can’t understand why he can’t simply text as soon as he knows there is a change in routine. It’s starting to feel weaponized, but I can’t figure out what he gains from upsetting me with this.[/b] [/quote]

I hear what you're saying, and I agree with you. But clearly he is doing this as a form of passive aggressive punishment--assuming he doesn't have some sort of developing cognitive issue like early onset dementia or Alzheimers. (You mentioned teenagers, so I'm assuming he's in his 50s.) Could he be having an affair? Midlife crises?

Basically, if he wasn't doing it before, but now it is becoming somewhat regular, then something is going on with him. [/quote]

I just don't think it's that deep. If he's working, it's probably just that he's aware he's still working at his desk at 5, but he's not quite sure exactly what time he's coming home so he figures let her cook and he'll reheat when he gets home which is better than cereal. In the example above, of he agrees to pick up pizza and then stays out late that's crappy but once she decided to get sushi, he probably felt off the hook. Mom and kids are fed, now it opens up his choices to eat with friends or have sushi with the family. It's kind of selfish because he's keeping options open but I highly doubt he's sending passive aggressive messages. [/quote]
I agree, but at the same time, if this is something you know upsets your spouse, and the solution is a simple text, why not just send the text? Sure, maybe not when you’re deep in work, but at the golf course? If you make plans after work? What’s stopping him from texting as soon as he realizes he will be eating at the course, or going wherever instead of home? I agree with OP in that regard. That’s just rude and selfish, especially if he knows she likes the break from cooking a large meal, which he won’t be eating anyway. [/quote]

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