Maintaining mom friendship when one mom wants kids to be friends but other mom doesn’t want to force it

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend “Ann” whose son “Andy” is in the same kinder class as my DS. They used to play together a little last year, but not anymore. Andy doesn’t really have friends, according to Ann, who is anxious about this.

She and I have a friendship outside of our kids, but I know she would like to get our boys together so they become better friends. I’m totally okay with getting together with kids who aren’t really my kids’ friends, so the moms can hang out, but *only if they’re actually going to socialize at least some of the time*, which Andy and DS don’t. So we don’t have play dates just with their family, but I invite them to larger group play dates and let Ann know when I sign DS up for a class, but on the margin, I coordinate with DS’s friends’ parents before I do her.

I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong, but I can see how she might feel a little hurt, especially since she’s a little sensitive and I’ve seen her take criticism of her kid personally. I would like to stay good friends with her - she’s one of the few moms I see staying friends with past the school years - but I can see the way things are going, we could drift apart. Has anyone been in this situation and managed to keep their mom friendship on a good footing despite the moms not being on the same page as to their kids’ friendship?

[Anonymous]

I am simply swaying

[Anonymous]

Your child is 5. Is Andy somehow offensive? Non verbal? mean? Otherwise, I find it weird that a 5 year old boy isn't game to play with pretty much any other 5 year old boy while their moms hang out. Your friendship will likely wither as she realizes you decline every offer to get the boys together.

[Anonymous]

Just scrape them off. Move along.

[Anonymous]

You could not overthink this any more than you already are. You could try, but you would fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 5. Is Andy somehow offensive? Non verbal? mean? Otherwise, I find it weird that a 5 year old boy isn't game to play with pretty much any other 5 year old boy while their moms hang out. Your friendship will likely wither as she realizes you decline every offer to get the boys together.

OP here. It sounds like you’re assuming my DS won’t play with Andy? Quite the opposite, my DS is really social and will try to engage Andy and Andy’s just not game.

We don’t have one-on-one play dates in general, and she knows that. But I do think she’s a little blind when it comes to her son, and a little sensitive, and yeah this doesn’t bode well for our friendship.

[Anonymous]

Let the friendship go if you cannot be kind to her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could not overthink this any more than you already are. You could try, but you would fail.

Lollllll This is OP, and I’ve seen this happen before. Plus I didn’t think it was worth getting into, but basically, just recently, I’m pretty sure Ann is a little hurt about something I did even though it had nothing to do with her or our kids and was purely due to scheduling issues. I could have explained this to her to avoid hurt feelings, and know she would have in my shoes because she’s that kind of person, but I’m not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let the friendship go if you cannot be kind to her kid.

Huh? How am I not being kind to her kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could not overthink this any more than you already are. You could try, but you would fail.

Lollllll This is OP, and I’ve seen this happen before. Plus I didn’t think it was worth getting into, but basically, just recently, I’m pretty sure Ann is a little hurt about something I did even though it had nothing to do with her or our kids and was purely due to scheduling issues. I could have explained this to her to avoid hurt feelings, and know she would have in my shoes because she’s that kind of person, but I’m not.

I do not tiptoe around adults who are oversensitive. That is their issue to work out. It''s one thing if they just had a close death in the family or something huge happen to them, but some generally anxious oversensitive person? No, I won't. I am kind and fair and if someone's feelings are hurt because of their own issues, that's their thing work out on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could not overthink this any more than you already are. You could try, but you would fail.

Lollllll This is OP, and I’ve seen this happen before. Plus I didn’t think it was worth getting into, but basically, just recently, I’m pretty sure Ann is a little hurt about something I did even though it had nothing to do with her or our kids and was purely due to scheduling issues. I could have explained this to her to avoid hurt feelings, and know she would have in my shoes because she’s that kind of person, but I’m not.

I do not tiptoe around adults who are oversensitive. That is their issue to work out. It''s one thing if they just had a close death in the family or something huge happen to them, but some generally anxious oversensitive person? No, I won't. I am kind and fair and if someone's feelings are hurt because of their own issues, that's their thing work out on their own.

This is OP. I would have explained things to her had we been talking in person. But texting, during the day when I’m busy, I have to keep things short, so yeah no tiptoeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let the friendship go if you cannot be kind to her kid.

Huh? How am I not being kind to her kid?

You don’t like the kid or you wouldn’t have posted here.

[Anonymous]

When you sign up your child for a class and you let her know, does she sign up Andy too? This is a nice move on your part. Can you meet her at a park and allow the kids to play? Watch how the kids interact. Does Andy run to a corner and play by himself or do the kids play together?
If the mom is feeling hurt from other friendships, it’s not your fault. IMHO, 5 year olds shouldn’t have 1 friend. It’s too much pressure.

[Anonymous]

OP is being cagey AF and on top of that it’s pretty clear she’s not a real fan of either the kid or the mom.

[Anonymous]

You can’t really be friends with her if you can’t have her kid over. It’s fine if the kids aren’t besties. As long as they aren’t fighting they can parallel play or whatever.