Maintaining mom friendship when one mom wants kids to be friends but other mom doesn’t want to force it

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who was kind enough to help her daughter and my son interact. She would break the ice with something like “Michael really loves clocks so why don’t you show him all the clocks in our house” and then once my son felt confident they could play Uno or something. The kids are tweens now but they still get along and I am so appreciative that my friend was understanding.

[Anonymous]

No. If they don’t play in K together things will totally fall apart later.

[Anonymous]

Please re read your posts OP. You sound absolutely awful. I have a friend with a similar son as Ann and DS is probably similar to your son. But mine can still find ways to interact with shy kids or kids with social issues. Sometimes it would be just parallel play with DS running around in the yard while the other kid was on the swing set or did something different outside. Sometimes it was quietly building legos or doing some kind of project. The more DS just made the other kid comfortable, the more he came out of his shell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let the friendship go if you cannot be kind to her kid.

Huh? How am I not being kind to her kid?

You’re an entitled b y tch

I wouldn’t go that far but I think you think your child is “Cooler”, more popular, more socially adept. It would not kill you to ask your FIVE year old son to suck it up and be nice to Andy for a couple hours since his mom is your good friend, but I suspect you’re afraid his weirdness will rub off.

It's weird how OPs son can be socially adept and superior but not figure out how to play with a more reluctant playmate. Is he really that adept?

[Anonymous]

shes a nasty person like her kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You could not overthink this any more than you already are. You could try, but you would fail.

Lollllll This is OP, and I’ve seen this happen before. Plus I didn’t think it was worth getting into, but basically, just recently, I’m pretty sure Ann is a little hurt about something I did even though it had nothing to do with her or our kids and was purely due to scheduling issues. I could have explained this to her to avoid hurt feelings, and know she would have in my shoes because she’s that kind of person, but I’m not.

I do not tiptoe around adults who are oversensitive. That is their issue to work out. It''s one thing if they just had a close death in the family or something huge happen to them, but some generally anxious oversensitive person? No, I won't. I am kind and fair and if someone's feelings are hurt because of their own issues, that's their thing work out on their own.

This is OP. I would have explained things to her had we been talking in person. But texting, during the day when I’m busy, I have to keep things short, so yeah no tiptoeing.

And you haven’t talked to her since?

Realizing that your child struggles socially, and may have a diagnosis that impacts them lifelong is something huge. It’s also when you find out who your friends really are.

I was going to come and make some suggestions, but it seems what you are looking for is a way to continue to use her to meet your needs, while you refuse to meet hers. My suggestion would be for her to find kind friends, not selfish ones like you.

NP. Very interesting and insightful take on the situation.

[Anonymous]

You all have a lot of expectations of children and their ability to manage relationships like an adult would. Why would the ops child be responsible for mangong the relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let the friendship go if you cannot be kind to her kid.

Huh? How am I not being kind to her kid?

You’re an entitled b y tch

I wouldn’t go that far but I think you think your child is “Cooler”, more popular, more socially adept. It would not kill you to ask your FIVE year old son to suck it up and be nice to Andy for a couple hours since his mom is your good friend, but I suspect you’re afraid his weirdness will rub off.

I'm so confused by this. it sounds like it's Andy who doesn't want to play with OP's kid, not vice versa. The mom wants the kids to be friends, but *her child* is not interested in this, so OP is like why would I invite them both over for him to ignore my son?

[Anonymous]

I would just alternate kid get togethers with mom only ones. You’re overwhelmed and need some no-kid time. Then you can see if the friendship is sustainable without the kids or if she’s not interested in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let the friendship go if you cannot be kind to her kid.

Huh? How am I not being kind to her kid?

You’re an entitled b y tch

I wouldn’t go that far but I think you think your child is “Cooler”, more popular, more socially adept. It would not kill you to ask your FIVE year old son to suck it up and be nice to Andy for a couple hours since his mom is your good friend, but I suspect you’re afraid his weirdness will rub off.

I'm so confused by this. it sounds like it's Andy who doesn't want to play with OP's kid, not vice versa. The mom wants the kids to be friends, but *her child* is not interested in this, so OP is like why would I invite them both over for him to ignore my son?

I didn't get this impression. OP mentioned Andy being different/not social/doesn't want to play at all, so basically it's a playdate where her kid just has to play by himself. I don't think OP thinks her child is cooler, just easier going and plays with other kids easily.

The only way this works is, as a PP said, OP is willing to help the other mom out due to OP wanting that friendship for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let the friendship go if you cannot be kind to her kid.

Huh? How am I not being kind to her kid?

You’re an entitled b y tch

I wouldn’t go that far but I think you think your child is “Cooler”, more popular, more socially adept. It would not kill you to ask your FIVE year old son to suck it up and be nice to Andy for a couple hours since his mom is your good friend, but I suspect you’re afraid his weirdness will rub off.

I'm so confused by this. it sounds like it's Andy who doesn't want to play with OP's kid, not vice versa. The mom wants the kids to be friends, but *her child* is not interested in this, so OP is like why would I invite them both over for him to ignore my son?

Did you miss that they are only five years old? He’s almost certainly ignoring him because his social skills are behind (I.e. still in the parallel play stage). OP can steer them into doing something like a board game or Legos side by side while the moms socialize. If she’s trying to integrate Andy into a large group play date, then yes that is bound to fail.
-Mom of a kid like this who is now 11 and found his friends.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation and just slow faded the kid part. So I started inviting her for coffee or lunch, which kids don't come to. The only time the kids have to play together is at larger get togethers and they can usually just spend the time eating food and snacks and playing with other people (or with the less preferred friend, but in a larger group, which makes it more tolerable). If she doesn't want to do anything at all with you without the kids, you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

OP again. It sounds like some of you assume that Andy is shy and would do better in small group settings to come out of his shell, but that’s not his issue; he actually seems confident and comfortable at school and in large groups. My impression is that he’s just not as interested in connecting with other kids and doesn’t have shared interests. I guess he’s a little behind socially? He turns 7 at the end of summer.

I don’t do one-on-one play dates because I’m busy like everyone else. I WFM, have two ailing parents, and older kids I have to drive around. I sign DS up for sports and classes with friends and at this age, it’s like a play date. DS, Andy and a third boy take a weekly sports class, and we hang out for a while afterwards. Andy barely interacts with the two other boys and spends more time trying to hang out with the moms. I think if Ann wants her son to make friends, she needs to guide his interactions more. My DD used to have play dates with a ND boy in second grade, and the boy’s mom scaffolded their interactions by bringing board games and suggesting activities such as scooters. I was and am totally fine with this. And for those of you who ask why I don’t help with the scaffolding, it’s because I’m really busy and squeaking by as it is.

Ann and I used to go for a power walk after school drop-off, and I’m going to suggest we pick this up again.

[Anonymous]

Invite her for that power walk. She might say no. If not, great. If so, reflect on this.

"And for those of you who ask why I don’t help with the scaffolding, it’s because I’m really busy and squeaking by as it is."

"...and let Ann know when I sign DS up for a class, but on the margin, I coordinate with DS’s friends’ parents before I do her."

[Anonymous]

To add, a true friend would go the extra mile. I would not see you as a longer term friend since you do not.