Maintaining mom friendship when one mom wants kids to be friends but other mom doesn’t want to force it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. It sounds like some of you assume that Andy is shy and would do better in small group settings to come out of his shell, but that’s not his issue; he actually seems confident and comfortable at school and in large groups. My impression is that he’s just not as interested in connecting with other kids and doesn’t have shared interests. I guess he’s a little behind socially? He turns 7 at the end of summer.

I don’t do one-on-one play dates because I’m busy like everyone else. I WFM, have two ailing parents, and older kids I have to drive around. I sign DS up for sports and classes with friends and at this age, it’s like a play date. DS, Andy and a third boy take a weekly sports class, and we hang out for a while afterwards. Andy barely interacts with the two other boys and spends more time trying to hang out with the moms. I think if Ann wants her son to make friends, she needs to guide his interactions more. My DD used to have play dates with a ND boy in second grade, and the boy’s mom scaffolded their interactions by bringing board games and suggesting activities such as scooters. I was and am totally fine with this. And for those of you who ask why I don’t help with the scaffolding, it’s because I’m really busy and squeaking by as it is.

Ann and I used to go for a power walk after school drop-off, and I’m going to suggest we pick this up again.

So you say that your DS and Andy take sports class with a third kid and then wonder why Andy ends up talking to the Moms? It’s because you set up a scenario where Andy is the third wheel! Groups of three are not fair when two kids are socially adept and the third is not as much. You created that crappy situation and then judged Andy for acting in the best way that he can. You are not a good friend.

[Anonymous]

OP read the room Moron

[Anonymous]

I’m still not seeing how OP and this woman are the good friends she says they are. Nothing OP does seems like something a good friend would do. She admittedly coordinates with her other mom friends first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m still not seeing how OP and this woman are the good friends she says they are. Nothing OP does seems like something a good friend would do. She admittedly coordinates with her other mom friends first.

OP wants the cred for being a good person while actively avoiding the effort involved to do so. She wants to have her cake and eat it too!

[Anonymous]

OP, a loyal friend would go to that trouble. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I have I LOVE and would do anything for. Helping things go smoothly with your boys would be a no brainer. This kids not a bully or disruptive. So maybe you’re not that invested in this friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 5. Is Andy somehow offensive? Non verbal? mean? Otherwise, I find it weird that a 5 year old boy isn't game to play with pretty much any other 5 year old boy while their moms hang out. Your friendship will likely wither as she realizes you decline every offer to get the boys together.

OP here. It sounds like you’re assuming my DS won’t play with Andy? Quite the opposite, my DS is really social and will try to engage Andy and Andy’s just not game.

We don’t have one-on-one play dates in general, and she knows that. But I do think she’s a little blind when it comes to her son, and a little sensitive, and yeah this doesn’t bode well for our friendship.

Aren't we all guilty of that? Ultimately, this friendship is just temporary even if your kids were besties. It just how things work.

[Anonymous]

I know she would like to .... I can see how she might feel ... I can see the way things are going, we could ...

OP, you are all speculation. Things *now* are alright. Alright is good enough. Unless something bothers her enough to speak-it (and she hasn't), do not go looking for trouble.

[Anonymous]

Let your kids decide who is friends with whom.

[Anonymous]

OP, make sure you do not discuss (gossip) about this to other Mom friends -- what you see might be a problem, could be a problem.

It's not enough of a problem so keep it to yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP read the room Moron

This

[Anonymous]

OP again. I agree that true friends help each other out. I think the crux here is that I DON’T THINK that getting our two boys together helps her son at all. Andy could use help in the social skills department, and throwing him into a play date without giving him any feedback or guidance on his behaviors does not help. I also think it would help him a lot to step out of his three older siblings’ shadows. With the exception of the sports class he started last month, and is dropping out of this month, he apparently spends all of his free time outside of school on the road going to or at a sibling’s activity, most of which are a 30-45 minutes’ drive away. This kid does not get room to express his interests, let alone explore them. Whatever friendship issues Ann thinks Andy has I personally think are a very small part of a larger picture. Anyway, as a friend, I’d love to help her, but calling her out on her parenting isn’t real help, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m still not seeing how OP and this woman are the good friends she says they are. Nothing OP does seems like something a good friend would do. She admittedly coordinates with her other mom friends first.

Can’t moms be good friends without their kids’ activities being coordinated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I agree that true friends help each other out. I think the crux here is that I DON’T THINK that getting our two boys together helps her son at all. Andy could use help in the social skills department, and throwing him into a play date without giving him any feedback or guidance on his behaviors does not help. I also think it would help him a lot to step out of his three older siblings’ shadows. With the exception of the sports class he started last month, and is dropping out of this month, he apparently spends all of his free time outside of school on the road going to or at a sibling’s activity, most of which are a 30-45 minutes’ drive away. This kid does not get room to express his interests, let alone explore them. Whatever friendship issues Ann thinks Andy has I personally think are a very small part of a larger picture. Anyway, as a friend, I’d love to help her, but calling her out on her parenting isn’t real help, right?

Yes dumb dumb you call her out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I agree that true friends help each other out. I think the crux here is that I DON’T THINK that getting our two boys together helps her son at all. Andy could use help in the social skills department, and throwing him into a play date without giving him any feedback or guidance on his behaviors does not help. I also think it would help him a lot to step out of his three older siblings’ shadows. With the exception of the sports class he started last month, and is dropping out of this month, he apparently spends all of his free time outside of school on the road going to or at a sibling’s activity, most of which are a 30-45 minutes’ drive away. This kid does not get room to express his interests, let alone explore them. Whatever friendship issues Ann thinks Andy has I personally think are a very small part of a larger picture. Anyway, as a friend, I’d love to help her, but calling her out on her parenting isn’t real help, right?

OP you are way way too judgmental and not actually interested in friendship. If you are not willing to have your good friend’s young kid over for group play dates then you are not really a good friend and cannot expect her to just drop everything for your “power walks” on your own schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m still not seeing how OP and this woman are the good friends she says they are. Nothing OP does seems like something a good friend would do. She admittedly coordinates with her other mom friends first.

Can’t moms be good friends without their kids’ activities being coordinated?

No, moms cannot be good friends when one of the moms is actively excluding the other mom’s kid from group activities.