Maintaining mom friendship when one mom wants kids to be friends but other mom doesn’t want to force it

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you have 1:1 play dates ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could not overthink this any more than you already are. You could try, but you would fail.

Lollllll This is OP, and I’ve seen this happen before. Plus I didn’t think it was worth getting into, but basically, just recently, I’m pretty sure Ann is a little hurt about something I did even though it had nothing to do with her or our kids and was purely due to scheduling issues. I could have explained this to her to avoid hurt feelings, and know she would have in my shoes because she’s that kind of person, but I’m not.

I do not tiptoe around adults who are oversensitive. That is their issue to work out. It''s one thing if they just had a close death in the family or something huge happen to them, but some generally anxious oversensitive person? No, I won't. I am kind and fair and if someone's feelings are hurt because of their own issues, that's their thing work out on their own.

This is OP. I would have explained things to her had we been talking in person. But texting, during the day when I’m busy, I have to keep things short, so yeah no tiptoeing.

And you haven’t talked to her since?

Realizing that your child struggles socially, and may have a diagnosis that impacts them lifelong is something huge. It’s also when you find out who your friends really are.

I was going to come and make some suggestions, but it seems what you are looking for is a way to continue to use her to meet your needs, while you refuse to meet hers. My suggestion would be for her to find kind friends, not selfish ones like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you have 1:1 play dates ever?

Because OP doesn’t have the social skills to manage them.

[Anonymous]

So you have a mom friend with a kid with some social issues that you know she is anxious about and you think she wants to be friends with you without the kids? Her priority is her kid. She is looking for social situations for her kid to participate in. I had a kid like this and it was a huge bonus when I really got along with the other parents, but no way in my “copious free time” was I going to hang out without socializing the kids, unless it was a group adult activity I signed up for, like church choir.

Why don’t you have play dates sometimes with just their family? You are not responsible for having your kid be this kid’s only friend, but not every kid does well in large group settings so if you and she are such good friends that you’re pretending to worry about this, the most normal thing is for the moms to hang upstairs while the kids do other things. They’re five.

Either you or your kid doesn’t like “that weird kid Andy” so keep ghosting them, but there’s no universe where you keep a friendship with Ann going.

[Anonymous]

I may as well be”Ann” except my son is a bit older now. He does best with very outgoing kids who he feels comfortable with. If he has to impress the other kid or show that he measures up somehow, especially athletically, he kind of powers off.
Yes, more than one mom wants to hang out with just me because my son is awkward. Yes, there have been pictures of parties posted where every boy except mine was invited and then the mom figures that shouldn’t affect OUR friendship.
I don’t really have advice for you except that it would be nice of you to avoid social media posting where her son is obviously excluded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could not overthink this any more than you already are. You could try, but you would fail.

Lollllll This is OP, and I’ve seen this happen before. Plus I didn’t think it was worth getting into, but basically, just recently, I’m pretty sure Ann is a little hurt about something I did even though it had nothing to do with her or our kids and was purely due to scheduling issues. I could have explained this to her to avoid hurt feelings, and know she would have in my shoes because she’s that kind of person, but I’m not.

I do not tiptoe around adults who are oversensitive. That is their issue to work out. It''s one thing if they just had a close death in the family or something huge happen to them, but some generally anxious oversensitive person? No, I won't. I am kind and fair and if someone's feelings are hurt because of their own issues, that's their thing work out on their own.

This is OP. I would have explained things to her had we been talking in person. But texting, during the day when I’m busy, I have to keep things short, so yeah no tiptoeing.

And you haven’t talked to her since?

Realizing that your child struggles socially, and may have a diagnosis that impacts them lifelong is something huge. It’s also when you find out who your friends really are.

I was going to come and make some suggestions, but it seems what you are looking for is a way to continue to use her to meet your needs, while you refuse to meet hers. My suggestion would be for her to find kind friends, not selfish ones like you.

This. My DS has some special needs that mainly manifest as a social skills delay. I have written off a few people who were allegedly my friends but could inconvenience themselves or their kids to try to get to know him a little better. This was after multiple attempts, him being excluded, rudeness/talking behind my back. It was very painful at the time but was a great way to learn who people really are. Looks like you are showing your "friend" that. I hope she finds her people.

[Anonymous]

I have plenty of friends who I met because our kids were friends, and now they aren’t anymore. Some adults take this harder than others, but in general, I let my kids dictate their play dates (although kindergarten is very young).

I would just keep on doing what works for your family…and be kind and inclusive where it makes sense. If this upsets her, hopefully she’ll discuss it with you, but if not…maybe being friends isn’t right for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 5. Is Andy somehow offensive? Non verbal? mean? Otherwise, I find it weird that a 5 year old boy isn't game to play with pretty much any other 5 year old boy while their moms hang out. Your friendship will likely wither as she realizes you decline every offer to get the boys together.

OP here. It sounds like you’re assuming my DS won’t play with Andy? Quite the opposite, my DS is really social and will try to engage Andy and Andy’s just not game.

We don’t have one-on-one play dates in general, and she knows that. But I do think she’s a little blind when it comes to her son, and a little sensitive, and yeah this doesn’t bode well for our friendship.

What doesn't bode well for your friendship is that you sound incredibly judgmental and rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have plenty of friends who I met because our kids were friends, and now they aren’t anymore. Some adults take this harder than others, but in general, I let my kids dictate their play dates (although kindergarten is very young).

I would just keep on doing what works for your family…and be kind and inclusive where it makes sense. If this upsets her, hopefully she’ll discuss it with you, but if not…maybe being friends isn’t right for you

Please don’t do this. It would be really cruel for OP to pursue a friendship on the basis that her son isn’t welcome in her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 5. Is Andy somehow offensive? Non verbal? mean? Otherwise, I find it weird that a 5 year old boy isn't game to play with pretty much any other 5 year old boy while their moms hang out. Your friendship will likely wither as she realizes you decline every offer to get the boys together.

OP here. It sounds like you’re assuming my DS won’t play with Andy? Quite the opposite, my DS is really social and will try to engage Andy and Andy’s just not game.

We don’t have one-on-one play dates in general, and she knows that. But I do think she’s a little blind when it comes to her son, and a little sensitive, and yeah this doesn’t bode well for our friendship.

What doesn't bode well for your friendship is that you sound incredibly judgmental and rude.

OP knows her kid is popular and is pretty smug about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let the friendship go if you cannot be kind to her kid.

Huh? How am I not being kind to her kid?

You’re an entitled b y tch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you have a mom friend with a kid with some social issues that you know she is anxious about and you think she wants to be friends with you without the kids? Her priority is her kid. She is looking for social situations for her kid to participate in. I had a kid like this and it was a huge bonus when I really got along with the other parents, but no way in my “copious free time” was I going to hang out without socializing the kids, unless it was a group adult activity I signed up for, like church choir.

Why don’t you have play dates sometimes with just their family? You are not responsible for having your kid be this kid’s only friend, but not every kid does well in large group settings so if you and she are such good friends that you’re pretending to worry about this, the most normal thing is for the moms to hang upstairs while the kids do other things. They’re five.

Either you or your kid doesn’t like “that weird kid Andy” so keep ghosting them, but there’s no universe where you keep a friendship with Ann going.

+1

[Anonymous]

I chose my mom friends based on how the adults connected, not the kids. That being said, we planned things with our kids so we could hang out, and the kids managed to amuse themselves even if they wouldn't choose to spend time together otherwise.

Five is a good age for kids to learn to get along with other kids in a pinch. They don't have to be best friends to run around the playground, go on an outing together, or just spend some time playing at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let the friendship go if you cannot be kind to her kid.

Huh? How am I not being kind to her kid?

You’re an entitled b y tch

I wouldn’t go that far but I think you think your child is “Cooler”, more popular, more socially adept. It would not kill you to ask your FIVE year old son to suck it up and be nice to Andy for a couple hours since his mom is your good friend, but I suspect you’re afraid his weirdness will rub off.

[Anonymous]

OP doesn’t sound like she really wants to be friends with this person. She also doesn’t sound like she’s behaving like a good friend.