Struggling with the limbo of DH’s sort-of estrangement

[Anonymous]

My DH is newly estranged from his local, toxic, parents. We’ve been together nearly 20 years, and during that time I’ve dutifully participated in the relationship, even while struggling with the dynamic.

DH has been in therapy, and I was starting to see real progress. Then a major event happened that made me realize I could no longer be part of the unhealthy dynamic, and that I couldn’t allow my children to be part of it either. I was preparing to have a serious conversation with him about boundaries (and possibly an ultimatum), but he surprised me by cutting them off before I even got there.

Now we’re coming up on nine months, and I find myself struggling every week with the uncertainty and “limbo” of it all. There was no formal declaration of no contact, just a phone conversation that became, unofficially, the last communication. Since then, holidays, birthdays, and other milestones have passed without so much as a text.

And yet, every week I catch myself wondering, will this be the week they reach out and the cycle starts all over again? Because realistically, they’re not going to suddenly change after a lifetime of this behavior, and I’d be back where I was before when I was going to have my serious conversation, only now HE is far removed emotionally from that day.

If you’ve been in a similar situation as a spouse, how did you get past this limbo stage?

[Anonymous]

Have you had a conversation with your husband about the event and his reaction?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like you're in limbo, if it's been 9 months. Are you in therapy, to explore why you're still anxious about it?

[Anonymous]

Stop dutifully participating in the relationship. I don't think about my in-laws much all the communication goes through my husband. They have never been interested in showing up for holidays or birthdays. It's been about 20 years.

[Anonymous]

DH has been in therapy, and I was starting to see real progress.

This seems like a parent talking about their child. A partner might say "he says it's really helping him" or " things have been going a little better around here" or " he seems more stable and able to handle stress".

OP, I think this is your problem. Watching for signs of progress means you're spending just as much time watching for signs of failure/regression. That's a really hard way to live your life.

Seeing and talking about your husband like this seems like you don't have very much respect or trust in him.

Toxic family dynamics are really complicated. You can only do what you can do with what you know right now. You can make a plan for yourself if something were to change but then you need to learn to live comfortably in the present, not the future potential.

If whatever happened with your inlaws is so bad that you cannot risk being part of that dynamic ever again, that's how you feel right now. Maybe in five years of no contact, you wouldn't care to show up at their family members funeral, who knows.

I can understand how much might be riding on maintaining this no contact, but again, so long as it's no contact, it's no contact and there's no way to get a guarantee of how long that will last or what it might take for it to change.

[Anonymous]

It’s been nine months and no one is talking. Is it possible you’re catastrophising? Is there something that makes you think your husband wants to resume contact?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you didn’t get the reaction you wanted from them when you cut them off

[Anonymous]

To ease your mind, why can’t you ask your husband IF the parents contacted him today, what would he do/ say to them? Would his response ease your mind?

[Anonymous]

If they call you don't have to call back. You don't have go answer. Nobody even has to rush to deathbed. It is all in your head. You are letting them live in your head.

[Anonymous]

If he had a friend who treated him the way his parents do, would it be this hard for you to support him? Have you asked him where he is with things? Are you afraid of just repeating the cycle over and over, or are you afraid this is truly the end of their relationship? Do you hope they will repair things and what do you think that could look like realistically?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he had a friend who treated him the way his parents do, would it be this hard for you to support him? Have you asked him where he is with things? Are you afraid of just repeating the cycle over and over, or are you afraid this is truly the end of their relationship? Do you hope they will repair things and what do you think that could look like realistically?

OP here.

I am afraid the cycle will repeat forever.

To clarify for other posters, and to you, we have discussed this. He has said, and repeated, that he’s done unless they can make changes to their behavior. When I ask him to explain what that would look like, he can’t, and just explains that the need to change their behavior. I understand what the behavior is, so it makes sense. But I know they will never change, so I wonder why he thinks they can or will. It feels like a placeholder, like if he keeps saying “if they change”, then he doesn’t have to accept cutting them off forever. It just feels like the door is cracked for them to get in, and it is very unsettling.

[Anonymous]

I'd have a conversation about how you are done and will also be protecting your children moving forward by not participating in this relationship. You can name a few things you'd like to see happen before you'd consider reconciling. Then ask him how he feels about that.

After that, move on. If your DH starts talking to them, fine. That doesn't involve you and is his choice. You can still hold your boundary that you will not be in a relationship with them any more.

I think you are feeling anxious because you are done with them and yet you are letting your DH decide if that's true or not. Make your own choice, communicate it with your DH, and move on. Let him handle his own boundaries and you handle yours.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a fake post. You're doing great, OP. Why are you waiting for renewal of contact? Just forget about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have a conversation about how you are done and will also be protecting your children moving forward by not participating in this relationship. You can name a few things you'd like to see happen before you'd consider reconciling. Then ask him how he feels about that.

After that, move on. If your DH starts talking to them, fine. That doesn't involve you and is his choice. You can still hold your boundary that you will not be in a relationship with them any more.

I think you are feeling anxious because you are done with them and yet you are letting your DH decide if that's true or not. Make your own choice, communicate it with your DH, and move on. Let him handle his own boundaries and you handle yours.

OP here. I think you’re spot on. Thanks for your reply.

I wish I had just come out with it initially. I didn’t mention anything at the time because he was already overwhelmed with the disagreement, and I didn’t want to make things worse. But now it’s like, if/when the time comes, it won’t be an easy conversation to have then, either. I wish I had just gotten it over with then. It feels like a weight on my shoulders. How do you even begin to tell your spouse that you’re done with his family and won’t allow your children to be subjected to their behavior, either? I guess there’s never a good time.

[Anonymous]

You just say it.