Struggling with the limbo of DH’s sort-of estrangement

[Anonymous]

Do they have money that may be a lure or financial hold? Otherwise just let go.

[Anonymous]

There's no "sort of" estrangement. They are estranged. It's been 9 months and doesn't sound like DH has any desire to change things. Should he decide to get in contact with them, then you can tell him why you and the kids won't interact with them. I have no idea why you're blowing this completely out of proportion.

[Anonymous]

This is a you problem.

[Anonymous]

You are borrowing trouble. Your husband has explained that if his parents want contact, he will set boundaries that require changed behavior. It’s not his problem how they do it. IF that ever happens, then you can tell him you aren’t comfortable participating or including the children until a certain amount of time elapses without problems, or the sun explodes.

They’ve left you alone for nine months. Why are you obsessing about this? I’m normally pretty sympathetic to IL problems but this is starting to feel like you are very insecure in your marriage and maybe that has driven the estrangement. IDK if that’s the case but it’s definitely off.

[Anonymous]

At this point, I actually would not bring it up (although you should have when it all happened). Don’t borrow trouble. If they reach out and he wants to be in touch, you simply say “you can do what you want, but I never plan to speak to them again. I would prefer that the kids not speak to them either, but at their ages, I think we can both give them our perspectives and they can decide.”

[Anonymous]

So you're never going to be happy about this, OP?

Because this is what your situation boils down to. Either your in-laws are involved, and you don't like it, or they're not involved, but you're afraid they might be involved again, and you don't like that either.

Grow up. Learn to manage your anxieties. Do not suffer today from something that might not happen tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel. DH has been estranged from his family for about seven years now. Apparently, it ended when his mother called him up out of the blue and was screaming at him and then sent a big, long kiss-off email. He was super pissed and wanted nothing to do with his entire family after that. I have followed his lead, but I feel like this feud could all pivot as easily as it began.

I worry about getting blamed for the lack of invitations, hosting duties, birthdays cards etc. in the interim years when dropping the rope is what DH insisted on. Women get blamed for not keeping the social ties.

[Anonymous]

IMO just stay out of it. I’ve been married to my DH for 21 years and his relationship with his parents has been pretty terrible the whole time. Sometimes they are not speaking at all, sometimes they are distant but on speaking terms, occasionally they are getting along well. It is crazy.

I learned to just stay out of it & keep them at arm’s length from myself (and from the kids, as far as I have to do with it). The “getting along” periods never last.

Women do get blamed for things like this from outsiders, but it isn’t me. I stopped caring about that. TBH I see my DH as more of the issue in their particular situation (he is holding a grudge over things that- while understandable he would be upset- happened long ago) & behaves very childishly towards them. I’ve not said so directly but have tried to play “mediator/voice of reason” to him and it has not gone well.

Anyway, just stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you want him to swear off his parents forever and he is not ready to do that. That is up to him. If he decides to interact in the future, he can figure out how that should look at that time. Also, whether the kids interact with them is not your sole decision.

[Anonymous]

I am fascinated by relationships where people just don't talk to each other.

You were going to say all this 9 months ago and have just been stewing over it since? I do not have that level of self-control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is newly estranged from his local, toxic, parents. We’ve been together nearly 20 years, and during that time I’ve dutifully participated in the relationship, even while struggling with the dynamic.

DH has been in therapy, and I was starting to see real progress. Then a major event happened that made me realize I could no longer be part of the unhealthy dynamic, and that I couldn’t allow my children to be part of it either. I was preparing to have a serious conversation with him about boundaries (and possibly an ultimatum), but he surprised me by cutting them off before I even got there.

Now we’re coming up on nine months, and I find myself struggling every week with the uncertainty and “limbo” of it all. There was no formal declaration of no contact, just a phone conversation that became, unofficially, the last communication. Since then, holidays, birthdays, and other milestones have passed without so much as a text.

And yet, every week I catch myself wondering, will this be the week they reach out and the cycle starts all over again? Because realistically, they’re not going to suddenly change after a lifetime of this behavior, and I’d be back where I was before when I was going to have my serious conversation, only now HE is far removed emotionally from that day.

If you’ve been in a similar situation as a spouse, how did you get past this limbo stage?

I find this sooo cruel. It’s abusive back. Especially to cut off your kids, without a convo or boundaries.

That said, you don’t have to be estranged forever. I’ve had temporary and forever.

[Anonymous]

I’m pp and if my DH went no contact without notice, I would find if hard to respect him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m pp and if my DH went no contact without notice, I would find if hard to respect him.

I’m another PP and I started losing respect for my husband when he was allowing his parents to abuse and manipulate him. So I guess to each his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel. DH has been estranged from his family for about seven years now. Apparently, it ended when his mother called him up out of the blue and was screaming at him and then sent a big, long kiss-off email. He was super pissed and wanted nothing to do with his entire family after that. I have followed his lead, but I feel like this feud could all pivot as easily as it began.

I worry about getting blamed for the lack of invitations, hosting duties, birthdays cards etc. in the interim years when dropping the rope is what DH insisted on. Women get blamed for not keeping the social ties.

Your in-laws cut off your family 7 years ago and you’re still agonizing. Have you considered therapy? I don’t mean that in as an insult. Why do they have such power over you after all this time? That cannot be a healthy way for you to live.

My husband set very reasonable boundaries with his bsc family years ago, leading most of them to cut him off. I had resisted him doing anything for all kinds of reasons that didn’t really make sense. I finally saw how damaging they were to us and to our children. We did continue to make an effort with his father and SM to a point. And yes, they blame me! They gossip about it and lament it. At one point his father called the children’s school to complain. And I just laugh, because I am the sole reason he didn’t nope out years before. Estrangements are a sad thing, but when people can’t keep themselves from trampling the most basic of boundaries, that’s where you land. I just can’t wrap my mind around worrying like that for seven years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is newly estranged from his local, toxic, parents. We’ve been together nearly 20 years, and during that time I’ve dutifully participated in the relationship, even while struggling with the dynamic.

DH has been in therapy, and I was starting to see real progress. Then a major event happened that made me realize I could no longer be part of the unhealthy dynamic, and that I couldn’t allow my children to be part of it either. I was preparing to have a serious conversation with him about boundaries (and possibly an ultimatum), but he surprised me by cutting them off before I even got there.

Now we’re coming up on nine months, and I find myself struggling every week with the uncertainty and “limbo” of it all. There was no formal declaration of no contact, just a phone conversation that became, unofficially, the last communication. Since then, holidays, birthdays, and other milestones have passed without so much as a text.

And yet, every week I catch myself wondering, will this be the week they reach out and the cycle starts all over again? Because realistically, they’re not going to suddenly change after a lifetime of this behavior, and I’d be back where I was before when I was going to have my serious conversation, only now HE is far removed emotionally from that day.

If you’ve been in a similar situation as a spouse, how did you get past this limbo stage?

Same thing happened here - major event with the in-laws that led to my husband cutting them off. It's been almost five years, and many things have happened during that period (the first six months were rough, then silence, then his father was diagnosed with cancer and eventually died, then silence, then my mom died and his mom found out about it and brought up contact again). It's my husband's family and therefore his call how HE responds, so I have let go of thinking I have any say in that. I did have a chance when it went down to tell him how I felt (which it sounds like didn't happen for you), and I have reiterated that whenever necessary. As far as our kids, that's really the only part that could be in limbo (since I said what I had to say and he's in charge of what he does so the only question is what do we do about the kids). We have luckily remained in agreement that the kids will not have contact with them (the incident involved and affected both me and the kids), but sure, there's some niggling stress there that things could become a problem down the road. Mostly though, I've felt peaceful because of the way he handled it (and continues to handle it).

If I were you, I would try to find peace in the fact that your husband did what you would have done at the time and so you are probably in agreement at this point. If/when it comes up, you can say how you feel and what YOU want to do and have a conversation with him about your children. Until then, you could bring it up with him but I'd suggest letting sleeping dogs lie. This can't be easy for him and I'm sure it's not something he wants to have a conversation about if he's feeling like he did what needed to be done and he's moving on. It's about him, first and foremost, then your kids, and then your feelings are last (sorry about that, but as an adult you are better equipped to handle things than your kids and they're not your parents). So try to make peace with the fact that you're in the place you wanted to be right now and you trust your husband to handle it well if it arises again. Hope that helps. I'm sorry for both of you.

(And I haven't read any replies but just ignore all the posters who say your husband shouldn't have cut his parents off - these people love to act all righteous and they're terribly annoying and rude).