Struggling with the limbo of DH’s sort-of estrangement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he had a friend who treated him the way his parents do, would it be this hard for you to support him? Have you asked him where he is with things? Are you afraid of just repeating the cycle over and over, or are you afraid this is truly the end of their relationship? Do you hope they will repair things and what do you think that could look like realistically?

OP here.

I am afraid the cycle will repeat forever.

To clarify for other posters, and to you, we have discussed this. He has said, and repeated, that he’s done unless they can make changes to their behavior. When I ask him to explain what that would look like, he can’t, and just explains that the need to change their behavior. I understand what the behavior is, so it makes sense. But I know they will never change, so I wonder why he thinks they can or will. It feels like a placeholder, like if he keeps saying “if they change”, then he doesn’t have to accept cutting them off forever. It just feels like the door is cracked for them to get in, and it is very unsettling.

It's exactly this. He hopes they will change, even if he knows deep down they never will. And honestly, you don't know that they won't. One of them could die and the other would change - that happened with my best friend and her in-laws. The MIL had been the instigator and the FIL just followed her lead. She died unexpectedly and now they have a relationship with the FIL. So you don't know more than your husband does about what his parents are capable of, and you don't get to tell him to give up hope that things will get better. That's for him to hold on to (and he can address that in therapy if he wants/needs to). You should just support him - right now you have what you want - and frankly, expecting him to close the door, lock it, and throw away the key is incredibly unrealistic. So you just need to become ok with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are borrowing trouble. Your husband has explained that if his parents want contact, he will set boundaries that require changed behavior. It’s not his problem how they do it. IF that ever happens, then you can tell him you aren’t comfortable participating or including the children until a certain amount of time elapses without problems, or the sun explodes.

They’ve left you alone for nine months. Why are you obsessing about this? I’m normally pretty sympathetic to IL problems but this is starting to feel like you are very insecure in your marriage and maybe that has driven the estrangement. IDK if that’s the case but it’s definitely off.

Something is off. I understand that OP is traumatized by what happened over the last 20 years, but OP, I suggest you let go of this false notion of control you have. You can't control if your husband decides he wants to initiate contact again. You can't control what your in-laws do. All you can control is yourself, and maybe the problem is that you didn't get your feelings off your chest at the time it all happened. You could say it now but if it were me, I'd wait until it became relevant. You can absolutely hold firm to never seeing them again. You cannot make your husband do the same. You cannot make your in-laws agree with your husband's position, nor make them agree that they have changed for good. Your children are tough because they are your husband's children as well, but it sounds like he's acting in their best interest so you need to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel. DH has been estranged from his family for about seven years now. Apparently, it ended when his mother called him up out of the blue and was screaming at him and then sent a big, long kiss-off email. He was super pissed and wanted nothing to do with his entire family after that. I have followed his lead, but I feel like this feud could all pivot as easily as it began.

I worry about getting blamed for the lack of invitations, hosting duties, birthdays cards etc. in the interim years when dropping the rope is what DH insisted on. Women get blamed for not keeping the social ties.

By who? And why do you care? Seriously, I don't understand this. You know it was your husband's call, so why does it bother you if cousin Jane blames you for not showing up to the family Christmas party? If you were close to Jane, she'd know the truth. If you're not close, what difference does it make what Jane thinks?

[Anonymous]

I like how my DH is dealing with my estrangement from my FOO. He knows it’s personal and is supportive. I would say keep yourself and your children away from the unhealthy dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH has been in therapy, and I was starting to see real progress.

This seems like a parent talking about their child. A partner might say "he says it's really helping him" or " things have been going a little better around here" or " he seems more stable and able to handle stress".

OP, I think this is your problem. Watching for signs of progress means you're spending just as much time watching for signs of failure/regression. That's a really hard way to live your life.

Seeing and talking about your husband like this seems like you don't have very much respect or trust in him.

Toxic family dynamics are really complicated. You can only do what you can do with what you know right now. You can make a plan for yourself if something were to change but then you need to learn to live comfortably in the present, not the future potential.

If whatever happened with your inlaws is so bad that you cannot risk being part of that dynamic ever again, that's how you feel right now. Maybe in five years of no contact, you wouldn't care to show up at their family members funeral, who knows.

I can understand how much might be riding on maintaining this no contact, but again, so long as it's no contact, it's no contact and there's no way to get a guarantee of how long that will last or what it might take for it to change.

NP. I need to have this tattooed on my forehead. I remind myself of this and remind myself of this, and yet, like water seeking its own level, I forget and there I am back again living my life trying to avoid possible bad things in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he had a friend who treated him the way his parents do, would it be this hard for you to support him? Have you asked him where he is with things? Are you afraid of just repeating the cycle over and over, or are you afraid this is truly the end of their relationship? Do you hope they will repair things and what do you think that could look like realistically?

OP here.

I am afraid the cycle will repeat forever.

To clarify for other posters, and to you, we have discussed this. He has said, and repeated, that he’s done unless they can make changes to their behavior. When I ask him to explain what that would look like, he can’t, and just explains that the need to change their behavior. I understand what the behavior is, so it makes sense. But I know they will never change, so I wonder why he thinks they can or will. It feels like a placeholder, like if he keeps saying “if they change”, then he doesn’t have to accept cutting them off forever. It just feels like the door is cracked for them to get in, and it is very unsettling.

These are his parents. Of course he doesnt want to think there's no hope of reconciliation. That's normal. There's no need for a big, formal declaration. If they really don't change, then the effect is the same, without him having to do something that feels irreversible.

[Anonymous]

OP, you want a definitive answer. When it comes to families, there rarely is ever a definitive answer. Most of the time, doors are always left cracked open because most people hope that they will somehow get the advertisement-perfect family.

You need to learn to live with that.