My 77-year-old mother is lying and I don’t know what to make of it

[Anonymous]

My husband died a year and a half ago and I’m raising two late elementary kids alone. I’m also an only child. My mother is 77 and was very helpful in the beginning, but lately her behavior has gotten really weird and honestly upsetting.

She has always told little pointless lies here and there, but it has definitely escalated. I had a very important work trip recently. I do not travel much, so when I do, I really need solid childcare/pet help. This trip had been planned for two months, and I am obviously the sole income earner for my household, so it was not something casual I could just blow off. She bailed the day before. I had to scramble and get a neighbor/friend to help with my kids and cat. We made it work, but it was stressful as hell. Honestly, her bailing felt almost like sabotage, especially because she knew how important the trip was. When I confronted her, she claimed she was very sick and said she had been at the hospital. I track her location and know she was not at the hospital and did not even leave her apartment while I was gone.

Then after spring break she told me the older car I’ve been letting her use “filled with smoke” and was basically undrivable. I originally believed her, but the details started sounding off. I went and started the car myself and drove it around the neighborhood, and there were no issues. That made me even more suspicious, and now I really think she made up or exaggerated the whole thing because she wants me to replace the car. After my husband died, I let her use it because she was helping with school pickups/dropoffs. She barely even does that anymore. I did say once last year that I might eventually replace it because it is almost 20 years old, but obviously that has not exactly been my focus.

So… has anyone dealt with this with a parent? Is this just manipulation and lying? Some kind of mental health issue? Early cognitive decline? It does not really seem like dementia to me, but something feels off. I’m mostly just stunned that she would pile on more stress and apparently try to manipulate me into buying her a car when I am already doing a lot on my own.

[Anonymous]

My first thought is anxiety. She's lying because something is hard and she doesn't feel like she can tell you the truth.

[Anonymous]

You need to get another plan for childcare, immediately. I’d eliminate her from that role completely. Garage the car and tell her it’s not drivable.
You need support, not headaches. Be easy on yourself! Surround yourself with those who will cheer you on and be reliable.

[Anonymous]

Thanks I have removed her from any childcare duties. Luckily, I have amazing friends and neighbors to help. I took the car back yesterday and I took her keys.

[Anonymous]

In example 1, she probably felt very physically sick or depressed/anxious and couldn't leave the house, but felt like you'd be upset not being able to watch the kids, so she said she was in the hospital.

In example 2, she probably is uncomfortable driving due to vision problems or anxiety and made up the excuse about the car.

It seems like she is avoidant and doesn't want to tell you she doesn't feel capable to handle driving and childcare anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In example 1, she probably felt very physically sick or depressed/anxious and couldn't leave the house, but felt like you'd be upset not being able to watch the kids, so she said she was in the hospital.

In example 2, she probably is uncomfortable driving due to vision problems or anxiety and made up the excuse about the car.

It seems like she is avoidant and doesn't want to tell you she doesn't feel capable to handle driving and childcare anymore.

I sort of agree, I did ask her directly if she didn’t want to watch the kids anymore and she could just tell me. She replied that she loves watching the kids but was just very contagious and sick. About the car, a couple days after she told me that my old car had filled with smoke she asked me to borrow my car to pick up something from Home Depot that she had ordered. I told her to have it delivered instead. So I don’t think she’s afraid of driving. I think she just doesn’t want to drive my old car anymore but can’t be honest so made up a story. Note that she can’t afford to buy a car or maintain a car on her own. I’ve been handling the maintenance for the last year and a half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In example 1, she probably felt very physically sick or depressed/anxious and couldn't leave the house, but felt like you'd be upset not being able to watch the kids, so she said she was in the hospital.

In example 2, she probably is uncomfortable driving due to vision problems or anxiety and made up the excuse about the car.

It seems like she is avoidant and doesn't want to tell you she doesn't feel capable to handle driving and childcare anymore.

+1
Probably something in this neighborhood. It sounds like “white lies” have been a coping strategy for her for a long time. Now the problems are getting bigger and the lies are growing with them. She doesn’t know how to communicate and then resorts to a lie at the last minute.

Are you involved in her medical care?

I definitely think the days of relying on her help for kid stuff are over. It’s good that you have a supportive network, but have you ever considered a roommate? Your kids are young enough that you will need significant help for a long time to come. Your friends and neighbors will surely be part of that, but as time goes by, prepare for them to be less available.

[Anonymous]

I do think that a lot of this could be a result of aging. Lots of our older family members were healthy and independent until mid 70s, and then they started having issues. At least in our case we weren't relying on them for support like you've needed to. But I think you're squarely in the sandwich generation now, where you have kids AND parents to care for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think that a lot of this could be a result of aging. Lots of our older family members were healthy and independent until mid 70s, and then they started having issues. At least in our case we weren't relying on them for support like you've needed to. But I think you're squarely in the sandwich generation now, where you have kids AND parents to care for.

Also look into FTD - it’s a form
Of dementia/mental decline but doesn’t present like Alzheimer’s and forgetfulness. It’s not easy to get diagnosed but lying and loss of empathy are symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In example 1, she probably felt very physically sick or depressed/anxious and couldn't leave the house, but felt like you'd be upset not being able to watch the kids, so she said she was in the hospital.

In example 2, she probably is uncomfortable driving due to vision problems or anxiety and made up the excuse about the car.

It seems like she is avoidant and doesn't want to tell you she doesn't feel capable to handle driving and childcare anymore.

+1 This was my take as well.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why they do this, but my mom has gone from kind of understandable little lies that I could attribute to misremembering things or not wanting to get caught doing something wrong, to essentially pathologically lying every time she answers a question. It drives me insane but also makes me wonder if this is an early symptom of dementia?

Example (she lives with us, and watches TV at night in the room where I work all day):
Me: Do you know what happened to the remote?
Her: I don't know what you're talking about.
Me: Oh it didn't work this morning, but it was working yesterday.
Her: I didn't notice anything.
Me: Oh. I thought it looked like you might have tried to switch the batteries out to get it to work.
Her: Yes, I did.
Me: And did it work after that?
Her: No.
Me: . . . then why did you just say you didn't know what I was talking about?
Her: I don't know!

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the heck. And it's stuff like this: low-stakes, but continuous, and feels like a mix between being gaslit and being lied to by a teenager trying to get away with something. It's baffling and I get pretty pissed off because it seems so deeply unnecessary, but it's constant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband died a year and a half ago and I’m raising two late elementary kids alone. I’m also an only child. My mother is 77 and was very helpful in the beginning, but lately her behavior has gotten really weird and honestly upsetting.

She has always told little pointless lies here and there, but it has definitely escalated. I had a very important work trip recently. I do not travel much, so when I do, I really need solid childcare/pet help. This trip had been planned for two months, and I am obviously the sole income earner for my household, so it was not something casual I could just blow off. She bailed the day before. I had to scramble and get a neighbor/friend to help with my kids and cat. We made it work, but it was stressful as hell. Honestly, her bailing felt almost like sabotage, especially because she knew how important the trip was. When I confronted her, she claimed she was very sick and said she had been at the hospital. I track her location and know she was not at the hospital and did not even leave her apartment while I was gone.

Then after spring break she told me the older car I’ve been letting her use “filled with smoke” and was basically undrivable. I originally believed her, but the details started sounding off. I went and started the car myself and drove it around the neighborhood, and there were no issues. That made me even more suspicious, and now I really think she made up or exaggerated the whole thing because she wants me to replace the car. After my husband died, I let her use it because she was helping with school pickups/dropoffs. She barely even does that anymore. I did say once last year that I might eventually replace it because it is almost 20 years old, but obviously that has not exactly been my focus.

So… has anyone dealt with this with a parent? Is this just manipulation and lying? Some kind of mental health issue? Early cognitive decline? It does not really seem like dementia to me, but something feels off. I’m mostly just stunned that she would pile on more stress and apparently try to manipulate me into buying her a car when I am already doing a lot on my own.

She is 77 and doesn’t want the responsibility of caring for your grade school aged children for extended periods. Take the hint.

[Anonymous]

When my father started to decline and lose his memory, he would say things that weren’t true only because he couldn’t remember what happened.

For example, he said it had snowed the night before where he lived, but I knew it hadn’t. In reality, it had snowed a week earlier, but he didn’t remember that, so when he saw snow on the ground he incorrectly assumed it had just snowed the night before.

[Anonymous]

I think they can't remember so they make something up (lie).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first thought is anxiety. She's lying because something is hard and she doesn't feel like she can tell you the truth.

+100, I think it's this.

She felt overwhelmed about taking care of your kids while you were out of town and bailed last minute because she was scared to tell you this more in advance. She's afraid to have a conversation with you about what it means because the implications for her are scary. She's 77 and as her physical abilities and mental acuity decline, they won't come back. This is very upsetting for most people because you are forced to confront your own mortality. She also doesn't want to let you down and that's likely contributing too.

I think you need to get very realistic about whether someone this age can truly be your childcare backup. The truth is that within the next 3 years, you will likely shift to mostly taking care of her. Perhaps by then your kids will be out of needing the extra childcare, or maybe not. But I would be examining your finances and obligations and perhaps looking for hired help. Your mom can do things like stay home with the kids in the evening while you go do something social, or do a fun activity with them on the weekends to give you a break. She probably should not be caring for them overnight, for more than maybe 4-5 hours at a time, or as a reliable backup for pick up and drop off.

I do want to say that I am very sorry for your loss and I know this must be hard. It actually sounds like you are doing amazing, all things considered. But I don't think your mom is trying to sabotage you. I think she's trying to help but just realistically is more limited than she used to be and it's time to shift responsibility away from her.