My 77-year-old mother is lying and I don’t know what to make of it

[Anonymous]

You need to stop talking to her about this subject and asking her to be truthful. Jusy make other childcare arrangements — she isn’t a reliable option. I’m so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they can't remember so they make something up (lie).

A lie is an intentional deception. Things like this are just people having cognitive issues, filling in the gaps however they can, and deciding their theories are reality.

It doesn't help anyone to call it lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they can't remember so they make something up (lie).

A lie is an intentional deception. Things like this are just people having cognitive issues, filling in the gaps however they can, and deciding their theories are reality.

It doesn't help anyone to call it lying.

This is very true and important to keep in mind with regard to cognitive issues and aging, but in OP's case, she described that her mother had a lifelong habit of lying which was ratcheting up. It doesn't mean that the mom isn't experiencing some cognitive decline, but it may not be that. It may be that her problems are getting bigger (she doesn't know how to say no to helping her daughter) so her lies are also getting bigger.

I do really appreciate that you brought this up as I hate to see the way that cognitive issues and the people experiencing them are often treated with scorn and lack of awareness.

[Anonymous]

It is manipulative lying. Both lies were either out and out lies or exaggerations meant to get you to stop questioning her or challenging her, and to get what she wanted.

They weren’t random, they were designed to get her way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is manipulative lying. Both lies were either out and out lies or exaggerations meant to get you to stop questioning her or challenging her, and to get what she wanted.

They weren’t random, they were designed to get her way.

This is the most uncharitable view of what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks I have removed her from any childcare duties. Luckily, I have amazing friends and neighbors to help. I took the car back yesterday and I took her keys.

Good job!

[Anonymous]

OP, two things here
First: Absolutely do NOT depend on your Mother for anything. You are going to have to have different childcare, always.

Quit trying to figure her out. You can not be putting your energy into figuring her out.

Second: Once you get your life together -- address her health. Know her finances. Know if she will qualify for medicaid. She is likely headed, at come point, to a dementia care facility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is manipulative lying. Both lies were either out and out lies or exaggerations meant to get you to stop questioning her or challenging her, and to get what she wanted.

They weren’t random, they were designed to get her way.

What she wants is to feel safe and she doesn’t feel safe in a beater old car driving young children around and she’s not comfortable taking care of said children for extended periods of time. OP needs to read the writing on the wall and stop trying to take advantage of her mom who has a hard time just saying no.

[Anonymous]

No advice about your mother…but, your situation seems perfect for getting an au pair.

[Anonymous]

This lady probably shouldn’t be driving anyone, let alone your children. Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, two things here
First: Absolutely do NOT depend on your Mother for anything. You are going to have to have different childcare, always.

Quit trying to figure her out. You can not be putting your energy into figuring her out.

Second: Once you get your life together -- address her health. Know her finances. Know if she will qualify for medicaid. She is likely headed, at come point, to a dementia care facility.

It’s actually more likely that she won’t
Occurrence of dementia by age group:
65–69: ~3%
71–79: ~5%
75–84: ~13%
80–89: ~24%
90+: ~35%–40%

There are always more people without dementia than with it. Not everyone with dementia requires a care facility. Less than 5% of elders live in SNF/Memory Care

Let OP deal with her child care situation without adding to her burden. Right now there is nothing to suggest that her mom has MCI or dementia. She’s a poor communicator who has always used lying. If OP sees additional signs she can deal with it then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This lady probably shouldn’t be driving anyone, let alone your children. Sorry for your loss.

I do not agree with this. She may be a fine driver but I would not want her driving such an old car. They are missing important safety features. Older cars didn't have a basic stabilization system to prevent roll overs. Most people are not aware.

My mother is in her 90s and only recently stopped driving.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry for all you have been through. It's good you figured out your mom is no longer reliable and she's off the list. I'm glad your neighbor could help and that you have support. I would also try to experiment with paid caregivers on a Saturday to run errands or whatever so you have options when your friends cannot help you.

Also, 77 is not young. Both my parents became exaggerated versions of themselves with age-sadly the worst features with one. By 80 even more falls apart. It could be the start of dementia. Keep an eye on things.

Wishing you continued strength and resilience.

[Anonymous]

I agree. Very sorry for your loss and admire your strength. I was also thinking regular childcare, such as an Au pair, might lighten your load,

I do not recall if you have siblings. You have enough on your plate. Invite them to look into your mother’s issues.

[Anonymous]

She’s 77! Start there. She can’t do childcare anymore.