My 77-year-old mother is lying and I don’t know what to make of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they can't remember so they make something up (lie).

A lie is an intentional deception. Things like this are just people having cognitive issues, filling in the gaps however they can, and deciding their theories are reality.

It doesn't help anyone to call it lying.

The term for it is "confabulation".

I agree that she's no longer up for the childcare and no longer feels safe driving. OP needs to take the hint. She probably doesn't want to say it and is lying to avoid it because she doesn't want OP to think she is having dementia, frailty, vision loss, whatever. But that's what this seems like to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is manipulative lying. Both lies were either out and out lies or exaggerations meant to get you to stop questioning her or challenging her, and to get what she wanted.

They weren’t random, they were designed to get her way.

This is the most uncharitable view of what's going on.

It is, nevertheless, exactly what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is manipulative lying. Both lies were either out and out lies or exaggerations meant to get you to stop questioning her or challenging her, and to get what she wanted.

They weren’t random, they were designed to get her way.

This is the most uncharitable view of what's going on.

It is, nevertheless, exactly what is going on.

What you call manipulative lying others call putting the safety of kids first, something op is taking too lightly.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the posts, and I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation, but 77 is old. There’s a big difference between early 70s and late 70s. Many people can’t handle regular childcare and driving at that age. I would interpret the lies and a combination of anxiety, guilt, and cognitive decline. It sounds like you have a lot on you plate, but my main advice would be not to rely on your mom for help anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband died a year and a half ago and I’m raising two late elementary kids alone. I’m also an only child. My mother is 77 and was very helpful in the beginning, but lately her behavior has gotten really weird and honestly upsetting.

She has always told little pointless lies here and there, but it has definitely escalated. I had a very important work trip recently. I do not travel much, so when I do, I really need solid childcare/pet help. This trip had been planned for two months, and I am obviously the sole income earner for my household, so it was not something casual I could just blow off. She bailed the day before. I had to scramble and get a neighbor/friend to help with my kids and cat. We made it work, but it was stressful as hell. Honestly, her bailing felt almost like sabotage, especially because she knew how important the trip was. When I confronted her, she claimed she was very sick and said she had been at the hospital. I track her location and know she was not at the hospital and did not even leave her apartment while I was gone.

Then after spring break she told me the older car I’ve been letting her use “filled with smoke” and was basically undrivable. I originally believed her, but the details started sounding off. I went and started the car myself and drove it around the neighborhood, and there were no issues. That made me even more suspicious, and now I really think she made up or exaggerated the whole thing because she wants me to replace the car. After my husband died, I let her use it because she was helping with school pickups/dropoffs. She barely even does that anymore. I did say once last year that I might eventually replace it because it is almost 20 years old, but obviously that has not exactly been my focus.

So… has anyone dealt with this with a parent? Is this just manipulation and lying? Some kind of mental health issue? Early cognitive decline? It does not really seem like dementia to me, but something feels off. I’m mostly just stunned that she would pile on more stress and apparently try to manipulate me into buying her a car when I am already doing a lot on my own.

My thought is that she is anxious and getting very old (she's almost 80!) and knows she can't watch your kids for multiple days solo, and also does not feel comfortable driving. She doesn't know how to tell you this because she knows how heavily you rely on her, but, she is too old to be your childcare. I say this with great sympathy, as someone who had to come to terms with the fact that my parents are too old to do any sort of childcare solo anymore (maybe for an afternoon if they BOTH came, but not just one of them). You will need to come up with a list of reliable babysitters and overnight care will have to be something you plan way in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why they do this, but my mom has gone from kind of understandable little lies that I could attribute to misremembering things or not wanting to get caught doing something wrong, to essentially pathologically lying every time she answers a question. It drives me insane but also makes me wonder if this is an early symptom of dementia?

Example (she lives with us, and watches TV at night in the room where I work all day):
Me: Do you know what happened to the remote?
Her: I don't know what you're talking about.
Me: Oh it didn't work this morning, but it was working yesterday.
Her: I didn't notice anything.
Me: Oh. I thought it looked like you might have tried to switch the batteries out to get it to work.
Her: Yes, I did.
Me: And did it work after that?
Her: No.
Me: . . . then why did you just say you didn't know what I was talking about?
Her: I don't know!

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the heck. And it's stuff like this: low-stakes, but continuous, and feels like a mix between being gaslit and being lied to by a teenager trying to get away with something. It's baffling and I get pretty pissed off because it seems so deeply unnecessary, but it's constant.

I could have written this except my mom doesn't live with me. Honestly, any unexpected question seems to really throw her for a loop and I think it's just cognitive decline (she is 80). She'll be telling me what she wants me to grab at the store for her (if I offer to grab her something when I'm headed there for example) and she'll say, "potatoes". I'll say "no problem- any particular kind?" and she'll say "i want to make that potato salad. remember your Aunt Larla used to make a potato salad? Gosh, it would get so hot in her backyard when she'd have those get togethers. Anyways, yes, um- uh- the potatoes." And I'll say again "so any kind should be ok? I'll just grab what i think is best." And she'll say "oh. Um. You know. Well! I'll tell you how you can tell the right ones. They'll be firm and lighter than those dark Russet ones. Smaller but not too small. I suppose i'll want a few handfuls. Well let's see. How many people will I be serving? Just the 2 of us. So- let's see- a moderate portion for your father and a small portion for me, so, let's see." And I'm like jesus christ woman I'm already in the checkout line.

Anyways, I know it's age, but it still frustrates me to no end. And if she offers to do me a favor and I am brave enough to say yes, I end up spending the greater portion of the day assisting her in doing me this favor that I didn't even need done.

Sorry for the vent. Anyways, yeah, it's age! She doesn't want to watch your kids. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I get it. I just wish she would’ve been honest with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I get it. I just wish she would’ve been honest with me.

Consider it your wake up call that your mom is very old now and can no longer do the things she used to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think that a lot of this could be a result of aging. Lots of our older family members were healthy and independent until mid 70s, and then they started having issues. At least in our case we weren't relying on them for support like you've needed to. But I think you're squarely in the sandwich generation now, where you have kids AND parents to care for.

+1. When was the last time she had a complete medical workup?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are close to letting your emotions/hurt waste your time. You have serious work to do. You need to get your childcare organized in a different way.

And soon your Mother will need dementia care.

Step it up. You do not have the luxury to wallow in your hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I get it. I just wish she would’ve been honest with me.

Well she can’t be honest with you. It is t personal. She needs to lie to herself, not just you. She doesn’t want to tell herself, I’m too old for this so she certainly can’t tell you.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a will for your children? You should also prioritize that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get another plan for childcare, immediately. I’d eliminate her from that role completely. Garage the car and tell her it’s not drivable.
You need support, not headaches. Be easy on yourself! Surround yourself with those who will cheer you on and be reliable.

Do all of this immediately

[Anonymous]

The other responses are making me sad. She’s too old op. It’s just you now doing everything. I wish you strength. You’ll get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, two things here
First: Absolutely do NOT depend on your Mother for anything. You are going to have to have different childcare, always.

Quit trying to figure her out. You can not be putting your energy into figuring her out.

Second: Once you get your life together -- address her health. Know her finances. Know if she will qualify for medicaid. She is likely headed, at come point, to a dementia care facility.

It’s actually more likely that she won’t
Occurrence of dementia by age group:
65–69: ~3%
71–79: ~5%
75–84: ~13%
80–89: ~24%
90+: ~35%–40%

There are always more people without dementia than with it. Not everyone with dementia requires a care facility. Less than 5% of elders live in SNF/Memory Care

Let OP deal with her child care situation without adding to her burden. Right now there is nothing to suggest that her mom has MCI or dementia. She’s a poor communicator who has always used lying. If OP sees additional signs she can deal with it then.

Did you even read the numbers you posted? Maybe you have mild cognitive decline.