How did your husband react to your job loss?

[Anonymous]

I'm about to lose my job for the first time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I've worked so hard my whole life, from intense studying in school to long hours at work, even after kids. I barely took maternity leave. I'm mid-forties, and part of me wants just to be done, or at least take a year off to be present with my kids and let our nanny go. We could afford to live off DH’s income indefinitely, really, and his position is secure. And I have plenty saved for retirement if I were to just let it grow at this point. But DH is now weirdly resistant to me “retiring” or even taking a sabbatical, even though in the past he claimed he was indifferent to whether I worked. What gives?

[Anonymous]

My husband was fine with me staying at home after I was affected by the federal return to work order. Like you, I had saved for my retirement - close to 1 mil in IRA and TSP, not including pension. We have one child, I am in mid forties, and wanted to be present for our child. I am also very happy at home - cooking, cleaning (let go of cleaning lady), working out, etc. A problem to be will come when he retires as we have an age gap -but likely I will fund health care from inheritance. I will note that we anticipate he will need me to provide significant care to him as he ages as his parents had/have alzheimer’s and dementia, and I will care for him. I would have been very resentful working full time non stop while missing my child, and eventually providing care for him. I am grateful to stay at home.

[Anonymous]

I lost a managerial job at the age of 40 with two small children right after a maternity leave.

I had to keep the kids in daycare part time or lose spots I couldn't easily get back. There was a 6 month to 1 year wait for infants.

It took me 3 months to get freelance work and 9 months to get a job that was a bad fit and only lasted 8 months.

Start looking for work again and be picky and it might take 6 months to a year to find something.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I get wanting to take a break. I’d be resistant to DH taking time off of work too. As would he if it were me. It might take you a while to find a job though. Enjoy the time and negotiate a farther out start date, if you can.

[Anonymous]

My wife took a year off after resigning from her job due to high stress. Her mental health was my priority. We are far less wealthy than most people here, but we are also more grounded in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was fine with me staying at home after I was affected by the federal return to work order. Like you, I had saved for my retirement - close to 1 mil in IRA and TSP, not including pension. We have one child, I am in mid forties, and wanted to be present for our child. I am also very happy at home - cooking, cleaning (let go of cleaning lady), working out, etc. A problem to be will come when he retires as we have an age gap -but likely I will fund health care from inheritance. I will note that we anticipate he will need me to provide significant care to him as he ages as his parents had/have alzheimer’s and dementia, and I will care for him. I would have been very resentful working full time non stop while missing my child, and eventually providing care for him. I am grateful to stay at home.

Resentful? Who?

[Anonymous]

Here’s why I think, or partly: no job is secure right now and he’s nervous to be the only one with a paycheck. In dmv quite a few households have both adults with job loss.

[Anonymous]

It's expensive to retire and we very easily could be going into a bad economic downturn. (Though who knows.) I would guess your DH is reacting to that. My DH and I are continuing to work as long as we can to more solidly secure our retirement for the unknowns to come. And we are older than you. I would not be happy if either of us lost our jobs right now if were in our 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's expensive to retire and we very easily could be going into a bad economic downturn. (Though who knows.) I would guess your DH is reacting to that. My DH and I are continuing to work as long as we can to more solidly secure our retirement for the unknowns to come. And we are older than you. I would not be happy if either of us lost our jobs right now if were in our 40s.

But at what net worth and spousal income would you change your position? What if DH’s income was over $700k base, he was hard to fire without cause, and NW was mid- or high-seven figures? The biggest thing weighing to on me, after his change of heart, is that our youngest kid’s 529 plan isn't fully funded up to an Ivy, and I'm the only one who has cared enough to fund them so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s why I think, or partly: no job is secure right now and he’s nervous to be the only one with a paycheck. In dmv quite a few households have both adults with job loss.

This is how my DH was - nervous because of the general situation around here. We're both contractors and I was in a more precarious situation; I expected to be laid off in the heat of DOGE stuff a year ago. I think financially we probably could have made it work and his job is higher paying and more secure than mine - I was pretty gung ho about taking some time off and being at home for our kids, but I think he didn't feel confident about that at the time. Ultimately I took an internal transfer so still have a job and the jury is out on how I feel about that. But bottom line, I think DH was really nervous given the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's expensive to retire and we very easily could be going into a bad economic downturn. (Though who knows.) I would guess your DH is reacting to that. My DH and I are continuing to work as long as we can to more solidly secure our retirement for the unknowns to come. And we are older than you. I would not be happy if either of us lost our jobs right now if were in our 40s.

But at what net worth and spousal income would you change your position? What if DH’s income was over $700k base, he was hard to fire without cause, and NW was mid- or high-seven figures? The biggest thing weighing to on me, after his change of heart, is that our youngest kid’s 529 plan isn't fully funded up to an Ivy, and I'm the only one who has cared enough to fund them so far.

I think when you hit your 40s, the money thing really becomes real in a way that it wasn't before. At least in my case. And as we get closer to retirement, mentally I see how it is harder and harder to deal with the unknowns we might face when we no longer have a source of income other than what our investments generate. We have far exceeded our "number." But still, the more we have the more we see the uncertainty of the future.

Yes, I get that his is psychological. But most of dealing with money is psychological, unless one is like someone who I know who doesn't believe in worrying about money at all. They will deal with problems as they arise. Suddenly, however, as they are getting closer to retirement, potentially forced retirement, the idea that the money they have is all the money they will ever make is scary.

All to say that at your income and NW range, sometimes you see the advantages of continuing to "add to the pot" as they say.

FWIW, I would take a deep breath and look for another job, but enjoy your time while you aren't working. Just the exercise of looking while living solely on his income, might help him to relax into you not going back to work. Also, he might not like his job. And you not having a job makes it so that he has to keep his job. It is easier to stay in a stressful job if you believe you have an out than when you feel you are stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's expensive to ret and we very easily could be going into a bad economic downturn. (Though who knows.) I would guess your DH is reacting to that. My DH and I are continuing to work as long as we can to more solidly secure our retirement for the unknowns to come. And we are older than you. I would not be happy if either of us lost our jobs right now if were in our 40s.

But at what net worth and spousal income would you change your position? What if DH’s income was over $700k base, he was hard to fire without cause, and NW was mid- or high-seven figures? The biggest thing weighing to on me, after his change of heart, is that our youngest kid’s 529 plan isn't fully funded up to an Ivy, and I'm the only one who has cared enough to fund them so far.

I think when you hit your 40s, the money thing really becomes real in a way that it wasn't before. At least in my case. And as we get closer to retirement, mentally I see how it is harder and harder to deal with the unknowns we might face when we no longer have a source of income other than what our investments generate. We have far exceeded our "number." But still, the more we have the more we see the uncertainty of the future.

Yes, I get that his is psychological. But most of dealing with money is psychological, unless one is like someone who I know who doesn't believe in worrying about money at all. They will deal with problems as they arise. Suddenly, however, as they are getting closer to retirement, potentially forced retirement, the idea that the money they have is all the money they will ever make is scary.

All to say that at your income and NW range, sometimes you see the advantages of continuing to "add to the pot" as they say.

FWIW, I would take a deep breath and look for another job, but enjoy your time while you aren't working. Just the exercise of looking while living solely on his income, might help him to relax into you not going back to work. Also, he might not like his job. And you not having a job makes it so that he has to keep his job. It is easier to stay in a stressful job if you believe you have an out than when you feel you are stuck.

I get all of this, but he has to keep his job - he sends money to his parents, our mortgage that he wanted is based on his income, and he has expensive hobbies. There was never a world where my income could float us. My income is just the icing on the cake, and it funded my retirement and the kids’ college funds. But your points and most other responses are all valid, and I'll start looking. Maybe part-time remote contract work is calling my name.

[Anonymous]

What gives is that he's nervous about money. He's nervous about you getting bored. He's nervous that you'll sit home watching tv and eating and when he gets home from work you'll want him to be your entertainment and socialization.

If you want to take a year off, sit down with him and go over the numbers, and your plan for what you'll do with your time. Volunteer, get certificates that'll make your more valuable when you re-enter the workforce, plant a garden, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. I get wanting to take a break. I’d be resistant to DH taking time off of work too. As would he if it were me. It might take you a while to find a job though. Enjoy the time and negotiate a farther out start date, if you can.

+1. On a theoretical level, if my spouse needed a break I would support it. Staring down the reality of being the sole income for my family in a very shaky and job-lite economy, I would be extremely stressed and probably quickly resentful. DW, fwiw.

[Anonymous]

You should try couples counseling to talk through yours and his feelings. It really helped us figure out how to have the right conversations. Often the hardest part is figuring out the right way to even talk about it without having a fight, becoming defensive, or ending up with a miscommunication.