How did your husband react to your job loss?

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of women that decide to stay at home and their DH makes it work and supports their decision. Some of these men are blue-collar and make much less money and have much less security than your DH. It sounds like it is definitely possible and feasible for you to stay at home and your DH can make it happen, but he’s apprehensive.

He does not want to be the breadwinner and does not want you to be financially dependent on him in a major way. You need to investigate further about his apprehension. Don’t listen to other women on this post claiming it’s normal and brushing it off. It’s not normal and if your DH can afford for you to stay at home he should be okay with you doing that.

It’s a lot easier for a man to divorce you if you have your own income…You need to have a serious talk with him about why he doesn’t want to retire you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's expensive to retire and we very easily could be going into a bad economic downturn. (Though who knows.) I would guess your DH is reacting to that. My DH and I are continuing to work as long as we can to more solidly secure our retirement for the unknowns to come. And we are older than you. I would not be happy if either of us lost our jobs right now if were in our 40s.

But at what net worth and spousal income would you change your position? What if DH’s income was over $700k base, he was hard to fire without cause, and NW was mid- or high-seven figures? The biggest thing weighing to on me, after his change of heart, is that our youngest kid’s 529 plan isn't fully funded up to an Ivy, and I'm the only one who has cared enough to fund them so far.

At that income you can pay cash for an ivy but where is all the money going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of women that decide to stay at home and their DH makes it work and supports their decision. Some of these men are blue-collar and make much less money and have much less security than your DH. It sounds like it is definitely possible and feasible for you to stay at home and your DH can make it happen, but he’s apprehensive.

He does not want to be the breadwinner and does not want you to be financially dependent on him in a major way. You need to investigate further about his apprehension. Don’t listen to other women on this post claiming it’s normal and brushing it off. It’s not normal and if your DH can afford for you to stay at home he should be okay with you doing that.

It’s a lot easier for a man to divorce you if you have your own income…You need to have a serious talk with him about why he doesn’t want to retire you.

You nailed my fear. He wants to be able to divorce me, and if I'm unemployed, it would be more expensive.

Also, most of what we spend is because of choices he made, like he pressured me into buying an expensive house because he cares more about appearances than I do, he has a car loan (I've always paid cash), he's chosen to support his parents and not ask his siblings to help, and he has an expensive hobby.

I never get a break. I carry the mental and most of the physical load of parenting plus work. We eat take out and instead of relaxing on the weekend, I catch up on household chores that we can't get to during the work week. There is only so much you can outsource. More than anything, I am mentally burnt out from the mental load of parenting and working. Why not let him carry the stress of our family finances? If we divorced, which seems to be my biggest risk, I would be fine living on half our assets and supplementing with a hobby job, like teaching in some capacity. I could live in a cozier house, cook at home with the extra time, and be content with more time and fewer things. He's the one who can't cut back, not me.

[Anonymous]

We need a lot more information OP. How many kids? How much set aside for emergencies, college, retirement? What does DH in relation to what you earned?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need a lot more information OP. How many kids? How much set aside for emergencies, college, retirement? What does DH in relation to what you earned?

2 kids. I'd have at least $3m in assets if he divorced me, consisting of separate property and half our marital assets, excluding 529 plans. $500k in 529 plans. His income alone covers our spending, but barely, and he's the spender. I don't need a big house, an expensive car, or an even more expensive club membership to be happy. My parents have more than enough money to cover their end of life care and they will leave me an inheritance, but hopefully not for many more years. His parents are irresponsible with money and dependent on him. If I were long-term unemployed, we’d save at least $60k per year on childcare plus maybe $15k on eating out, commuting costs, and dry cleaning. And I'd have time to exercise, cook, socialize, and be a whole person instead of a workhorse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of women that decide to stay at home and their DH makes it work and supports their decision. Some of these men are blue-collar and make much less money and have much less security than your DH. It sounds like it is definitely possible and feasible for you to stay at home and your DH can make it happen, but he’s apprehensive.

He does not want to be the breadwinner and does not want you to be financially dependent on him in a major way. You need to investigate further about his apprehension. Don’t listen to other women on this post claiming it’s normal and brushing it off. It’s not normal and if your DH can afford for you to stay at home he should be okay with you doing that.

It’s a lot easier for a man to divorce you if you have your own income…You need to have a serious talk with him about why he doesn’t want to retire you.

You nailed my fear. He wants to be able to divorce me, and if I'm unemployed, it would be more expensive.

Also, most of what we spend is because of choices he made, like he pressured me into buying an expensive house because he cares more about appearances than I do, he has a car loan (I've always paid cash), he's chosen to support his parents and not ask his siblings to help, and he has an expensive hobby.

I never get a break. I carry the mental and most of the physical load of parenting plus work. We eat take out and instead of relaxing on the weekend, I catch up on household chores that we can't get to during the work week. There is only so much you can outsource. More than anything, I am mentally burnt out from the mental load of parenting and working. Why not let him carry the stress of our family finances? If we divorced, which seems to be my biggest risk, I would be fine living on half our assets and supplementing with a hobby job, like teaching in some capacity. I could live in a cozier house, cook at home with the extra time, and be content with more time and fewer things. He's the one who can't cut back, not me.

Is this OP? You just dumped a lot more relevant information if so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to lose my job for the first time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I've worked so hard my whole life, from intense studying in school to long hours at work, even after kids. I barely took maternity leave. I'm mid-forties, and part of me wants just to be done, or at least take a year off to be present with my kids and let our nanny go. We could afford to live off DH’s income indefinitely, really, and his position is secure. And I have plenty saved for retirement if I were to just let it grow at this point. But DH is now weirdly resistant to me “retiring” or even taking a sabbatical, even though in the past he claimed he was indifferent to whether I worked. What gives?

If you haven’t noticed, the economy is fraught and he probably doesn’t want the risk of being the sole breadwinner. Which is completely valid.

I imagine, he, too, would like to be done and more present for the kids. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

It’s not the losing the job bit but the giving up bit that’s going to but him. You are asking him to take on a lot. It will change your relationship and you risk resentment. I would resent you, too,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of women that decide to stay at home and their DH makes it work and supports their decision. Some of these men are blue-collar and make much less money and have much less security than your DH. It sounds like it is definitely possible and feasible for you to stay at home and your DH can make it happen, but he’s apprehensive.

He does not want to be the breadwinner and does not want you to be financially dependent on him in a major way. You need to investigate further about his apprehension. Don’t listen to other women on this post claiming it’s normal and brushing it off. It’s not normal and if your DH can afford for you to stay at home he should be okay with you doing that.

It’s a lot easier for a man to divorce you if you have your own income…You need to have a serious talk with him about why he doesn’t want to retire you.

You nailed my fear. He wants to be able to divorce me, and if I'm unemployed, it would be more expensive.

Also, most of what we spend is because of choices he made, like he pressured me into buying an expensive house because he cares more about appearances than I do, he has a car loan (I've always paid cash), he's chosen to support his parents and not ask his siblings to help, and he has an expensive hobby.

I never get a break. I carry the mental and most of the physical load of parenting plus work. We eat take out and instead of relaxing on the weekend, I catch up on household chores that we can't get to during the work week. There is only so much you can outsource. More than anything, I am mentally burnt out from the mental load of parenting and working. Why not let him carry the stress of our family finances? If we divorced, which seems to be my biggest risk, I would be fine living on half our assets and supplementing with a hobby job, like teaching in some capacity. I could live in a cozier house, cook at home with the extra time, and be content with more time and fewer things. He's the one who can't cut back, not me.

Is this OP? You just dumped a lot more relevant information if so.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to lose my job for the first time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I've worked so hard my whole life, from intense studying in school to long hours at work, even after kids. I barely took maternity leave. I'm mid-forties, and part of me wants just to be done, or at least take a year off to be present with my kids and let our nanny go. We could afford to live off DH’s income indefinitely, really, and his position is secure. And I have plenty saved for retirement if I were to just let it grow at this point. But DH is now weirdly resistant to me “retiring” or even taking a sabbatical, even though in the past he claimed he was indifferent to whether I worked. What gives?

If you haven’t noticed, the economy is fraught and he probably doesn’t want the risk of being the sole breadwinner. Which is completely valid.

I imagine, he, too, would like to be done and more present for the kids. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

It’s not the losing the job bit but the giving up bit that’s going to but him. You are asking him to take on a lot. It will change your relationship and you risk resentment. I would resent you, too,

I resent him for overspending on himself, sending so much money to his parents, and leaving me with 95% of the parenting load while also working a full time job. I think I'm ok if he resents me for quitting outside work. I think that's just where I'm at right now. Isn't the worst case that he divorces me? I think I can financially survive a divorce. I should probably look for a low-stress part-time job for additional security, but that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's expensive to ret and we very easily could be going into a bad economic downturn. (Though who knows.) I would guess your DH is reacting to that. My DH and I are continuing to work as long as we can to more solidly secure our retirement for the unknowns to come. And we are older than you. I would not be happy if either of us lost our jobs right now if were in our 40s.

But at what net worth and spousal income would you change your position? What if DH’s income was over $700k base, he was hard to fire without cause, and NW was mid- or high-seven figures? The biggest thing weighing to on me, after his change of heart, is that our youngest kid’s 529 plan isn't fully funded up to an Ivy, and I'm the only one who has cared enough to fund them so far.

I think when you hit your 40s, the money thing really becomes real in a way that it wasn't before. At least in my case. And as we get closer to retirement, mentally I see how it is harder and harder to deal with the unknowns we might face when we no longer have a source of income other than what our investments generate. We have far exceeded our "number." But still, the more we have the more we see the uncertainty of the future.

Yes, I get that his is psychological. But most of dealing with money is psychological, unless one is like someone who I know who doesn't believe in worrying about money at all. They will deal with problems as they arise. Suddenly, however, as they are getting closer to retirement, potentially forced retirement, the idea that the money they have is all the money they will ever make is scary.

All to say that at your income and NW range, sometimes you see the advantages of continuing to "add to the pot" as they say.

FWIW, I would take a deep breath and look for another job, but enjoy your time while you aren't working. Just the exercise of looking while living solely on his income, might help him to relax into you not going back to work. Also, he might not like his job. And you not having a job makes it so that he has to keep his job. It is easier to stay in a stressful job if you believe you have an out than when you feel you are stuck.

I get all of this, but he has to keep his job - he sends money to his parents, our mortgage that he wanted is based on his income, and he has expensive hobbies. There was never a world where my income could float us. My income is just the icing on the cake, and it funded my retirement and the kids’ college funds. But your points and most other responses are all valid, and I'll start looking. Maybe part-time remote contract work is calling my name.

It seems like money has been a source of contention already, any prioritizes, expensive hobbies, and under prioritize your kids college. He’s going to divorce you when you are empty-nesters, that’s why he wants you to have a job

[Anonymous]

That's a lot of new info, OP. I would also resent the money just streaming out of our household for expensive hobbies and his parents.

Since you will be going to one income (who knows for how long) you need to sit down and talk about these expenses. Now is the time to get him to cut back and have a budget. You can (pretend to) look for work or not, but the reality is that you both need to budget for one income. Now is the perfect time to put all that on the table. If he won't cut back or stick to a budget then you have huge problems, one income or two.

[Anonymous]

OP do you even like your DH? Curious is he in sales or is an orthopedic surgeon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a lot of new info, OP. I would also resent the money just streaming out of our household for expensive hobbies and his parents.

Since you will be going to one income (who knows for how long) you need to sit down and talk about these expenses. Now is the time to get him to cut back and have a budget. You can (pretend to) look for work or not, but the reality is that you both need to budget for one income. Now is the perfect time to put all that on the table. If he won't cut back or stick to a budget then you have huge problems, one income or two.

I was one of the early PPs. My advice is much less relevant if this is about divorce fears. I can't imagine being in a marriage where I would suspect my husband of wanting me to work so he could pay less alimony at some theoretical point.

If you pretend to look for work and don't find it, your husband may get upset because of that deception.

I think you need some honest dialogue to prevent your marriage from rotting away to nothing. This isn't so much about jobs anymore.

[Anonymous]

Op I think you sound burnt out. Your husband does not sound burnt out. So it makes sense for you to take a break to solve that, and then maybe you will be ready to jump back in soon.

[Anonymous]

If you wake up one morning and tell him “You’re an amazing person. I love you. But I’m just not in love with you, I want a divorce,” and he’s the sole breadwinner, our divorce laws will financially reward you for that. For some reason, a non-working spouse is entitled to “more” than the working spouse.

I didn’t make the rules.