How did your husband react to your job loss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to lose my job for the first time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I've worked so hard my whole life, from intense studying in school to long hours at work, even after kids. I barely took maternity leave. I'm mid-forties, and part of me wants just to be done, or at least take a year off to be present with my kids and let our nanny go. We could afford to live off DH’s income indefinitely, really, and his position is secure. And I have plenty saved for retirement if I were to just let it grow at this point. But DH is now weirdly resistant to me “retiring” or even taking a sabbatical, even though in the past he claimed he was indifferent to whether I worked. What gives?

If you haven’t noticed, the economy is fraught and he probably doesn’t want the risk of being the sole breadwinner. Which is completely valid.

I imagine, he, too, would like to be done and more present for the kids. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

It’s not the losing the job bit but the giving up bit that’s going to but him. You are asking him to take on a lot. It will change your relationship and you risk resentment. I would resent you, too,

I resent him for overspending on himself, sending so much money to his parents, and leaving me with 95% of the parenting load while also working a full time job. I think I'm ok if he resents me for quitting outside work. I think that's just where I'm at right now. Isn't the worst case that he divorces me? I think I can financially survive a divorce. I should probably look for a low-stress part-time job for additional security, but that's it.

If you divorce you will be expected to return to work full-time. You seem to think he would pay you alimony. That isn’t likely.

And I bet you don’t really do 95% of the parenting load. That’s just a fantasy a lot of women say. But even if it’s true, at least your load would be reduced to 50% in a divorce.

Look, sugar, you sound lazy. No, you don’t get to downshift if he isn’t on board with it. I don’t care how much he spends.

I mean, ok? 50% of the load would be much less than now, and I don't expect alimony but I can afford to live a simpler life on half our net worth plus some seperate property if he divorced me. I can pick up contract work to cover any shortfall and keep my skills up.

I think I'm okay with being called names. It doesn't change the fact that it doesn't make logical sense to me to go back to a full time job plus an almost full time parenting. I’ve been stressed out and unhappy for a while and a job loss feels like a relief.

As I stated earlier, just make sure you have all your ducks in a row in case he does divorce you. As an example, make sure you have all financial statements so you can prove your combined NW. And make sure that you can get a job if he does divorce you, enough to support yourself and 50% of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you even like your DH? Curious is he in sales or is an orthopedic surgeon?

+1

This does not sound like a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife took a year off after resigning from her job due to high stress. Her mental health was my priority. We are far less wealthy than most people here, but we are also more grounded in reality.

Agree with this approach. Money isn’t everything - people on dcum seem to have an unlimited need for more money and more stuff. Quality of life is important, too. My husband would be fine with what you’re asking, OP, and neither of us have private sector salaries. But we don’t live extravagantly and don’t care that we don’t.

The rapper biggie said Mo' money Mo' problems. Some of the people here are so used to having extremely high income that I wonder if they can mentally sustain even 6 months on 1 income without spiraling into extreme depression. OMG we are down to $200k from $400k what are we going to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to lose my job for the first time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I've worked so hard my whole life, from intense studying in school to long hours at work, even after kids. I barely took maternity leave. I'm mid-forties, and part of me wants just to be done, or at least take a year off to be present with my kids and let our nanny go. We could afford to live off DH’s income indefinitely, really, and his position is secure. And I have plenty saved for retirement if I were to just let it grow at this point. But DH is now weirdly resistant to me “retiring” or even taking a sabbatical, even though in the past he claimed he was indifferent to whether I worked. What gives?

If you haven’t noticed, the economy is fraught and he probably doesn’t want the risk of being the sole breadwinner. Which is completely valid.

I imagine, he, too, would like to be done and more present for the kids. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

It’s not the losing the job bit but the giving up bit that’s going to but him. You are asking him to take on a lot. It will change your relationship and you risk resentment. I would resent you, too,

I resent him for overspending on himself, sending so much money to his parents, and leaving me with 95% of the parenting load while also working a full time job. I think I'm ok if he resents me for quitting outside work. I think that's just where I'm at right now. Isn't the worst case that he divorces me? I think I can financially survive a divorce. I should probably look for a low-stress part-time job for additional security, but that's it.

So you would rather be divorced than work full time under current arrangement?
Do you think your household workload will be less? Get real.

If you take a year off you may never work again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife took a year off after resigning from her job due to high stress. Her mental health was my priority. We are far less wealthy than most people here, but we are also more grounded in reality.

Agree with this approach. Money isn’t everything - people on dcum seem to have an unlimited need for more money and more stuff. Quality of life is important, too. My husband would be fine with what you’re asking, OP, and neither of us have private sector salaries. But we don’t live extravagantly and don’t care that we don’t.

The rapper biggie said Mo' money Mo' problems. Some of the people here are so used to having extremely high income that I wonder if they can mentally sustain even 6 months on 1 income without spiraling into extreme depression. OMG we are down to $200k from $400k what are we going to do?

If you have mortgages, car loans, and credit card debt commensurate with a $400K income you may be in trouble. Self-purchased health insurance for an affluent family is also a big chunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to lose my job for the first time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I've worked so hard my whole life, from intense studying in school to long hours at work, even after kids. I barely took maternity leave. I'm mid-forties, and part of me wants just to be done, or at least take a year off to be present with my kids and let our nanny go. We could afford to live off DH’s income indefinitely, really, and his position is secure. And I have plenty saved for retirement if I were to just let it grow at this point. But DH is now weirdly resistant to me “retiring” or even taking a sabbatical, even though in the past he claimed he was indifferent to whether I worked. What gives?

Is he your Pimp or Husband? My wife did not get let go, but at age 36 after birth she did not want to go back. She had already worked full time 18 years. (She worked full while going to college full time). At this point we wanted three kids, she wanted to have another right away. Her Mom worked and she was a latch key kid, meaning she walked home from school in pouring rain, no one at school plays or sporting events ever. HS Graduation was litterally first time parents visited HS. So she wanted to stay home.

I am pretty sure I promised to Love, Honor and Support my wife on the Altar. It said nothing about pimping her out for cash, while she also missed her kids childhood. I dont think he should have a say in this. You worked longer than most.

And there is power of compounding. My wife her 401k she never rolled over is worth over one million now. You worked longer. You most likely will have a two million 401k at retirement just based on compounding.

Plus the savings on no childcare and commuting and work expenses are huge. Talk to his mother she will get him to man up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to lose my job for the first time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I've worked so hard my whole life, from intense studying in school to long hours at work, even after kids. I barely took maternity leave. I'm mid-forties, and part of me wants just to be done, or at least take a year off to be present with my kids and let our nanny go. We could afford to live off DH’s income indefinitely, really, and his position is secure. And I have plenty saved for retirement if I were to just let it grow at this point. But DH is now weirdly resistant to me “retiring” or even taking a sabbatical, even though in the past he claimed he was indifferent to whether I worked. What gives?

Is he your Pimp or Husband? My wife did not get let go, but at age 36 after birth she did not want to go back. She had already worked full time 18 years. (She worked full while going to college full time). At this point we wanted three kids, she wanted to have another right away. Her Mom worked and she was a latch key kid, meaning she walked home from school in pouring rain, no one at school plays or sporting events ever. HS Graduation was litterally first time parents visited HS. So she wanted to stay home.

I am pretty sure I promised to Love, Honor and Support my wife on the Altar. It said nothing about pimping her out for cash, while she also missed her kids childhood. I dont think he should have a say in this. You worked longer than most.

And there is power of compounding. My wife her 401k she never rolled over is worth over one million now. You worked longer. You most likely will have a two million 401k at retirement just based on compounding.

Plus the savings on no childcare and commuting and work expenses are huge. Talk to his mother she will get him to man up.

That's right, between nanny, other work costs, and my income taxed at our highest marginal rate, it's not a big loss to our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you wake up one morning and tell him “You’re an amazing person. I love you. But I’m just not in love with you, I want a divorce,” and he’s the sole breadwinner, our divorce laws will financially reward you for that. For some reason, a non-working spouse is entitled to “more” than the working spouse.

I didn’t make the rules.

Of course they are. My wife quit work to be a stay at home mom. Me sitting in the office having a cup of coffee is hardly 1/10 the work of watching three young kids by yourself, cleaning your own house, cooking all the meals, being home for every handiman and repair, mailing out the holiday cards, handling all the birthday parties, thanksgiving, xmas etc.

And by the time you are done what job are you getting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I think you sound burnt out. Your husband does not sound burnt out. So it makes sense for you to take a break to solve that, and then maybe you will be ready to jump back in soon.

Every Fing working parent is burned out. But her kids are tweens/teens so becoming a SAHM is silly.

They need you the most in their tweens/teen years. But, I keep watching people not parent their kids in critical years and then it is a downward spiral of the kid and the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of women that decide to stay at home and their DH makes it work and supports their decision. Some of these men are blue-collar and make much less money and have much less security than your DH. It sounds like it is definitely possible and feasible for you to stay at home and your DH can make it happen, but he’s apprehensive.

He does not want to be the breadwinner and does not want you to be financially dependent on him in a major way. You need to investigate further about his apprehension. Don’t listen to other women on this post claiming it’s normal and brushing it off. It’s not normal and if your DH can afford for you to stay at home he should be okay with you doing that.

It’s a lot easier for a man to divorce you if you have your own income…You need to have a serious talk with him about why he doesn’t want to retire you.

You nailed my fear. He wants to be able to divorce me, and if I'm unemployed, it would be more expensive.

Also, most of what we spend is because of choices he made, like he pressured me into buying an expensive house because he cares more about appearances than I do, he has a car loan (I've always paid cash), he's chosen to support his parents and not ask his siblings to help, and he has an expensive hobby.

I never get a break. I carry the mental and most of the physical load of parenting plus work. We eat take out and instead of relaxing on the weekend, I catch up on household chores that we can't get to during the work week. There is only so much you can outsource. More than anything, I am mentally burnt out from the mental load of parenting and working. Why not let him carry the stress of our family finances? If we divorced, which seems to be my biggest risk, I would be fine living on half our assets and supplementing with a hobby job, like teaching in some capacity. I could live in a cozier house, cook at home with the extra time, and be content with more time and fewer things. He's the one who can't cut back, not me.

So your marriage is already shaky?

[Anonymous]

NP here. This happened to me 2 years ago. I got laid off and wanted to take a career break or a part-time job. DH wanted me to jump straight into job hunting. He didn't want to be the breadwinner, and when I told him we could make it work on one income by cutting back a little, he said he didn't want to cut back. So we kept our nanny and private school, and I went straight back to work. I was lucky to land something right away. To his credit, he does half of the childcare and most of the household chores and maintenance. He knew I would drop the ball on chores even if I stayed home full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you wake up one morning and tell him “You’re an amazing person. I love you. But I’m just not in love with you, I want a divorce,” and he’s the sole breadwinner, our divorce laws will financially reward you for that. For some reason, a non-working spouse is entitled to “more” than the working spouse.

I didn’t make the rules.

Of course they are. My wife quit work to be a stay at home mom. Me sitting in the office having a cup of coffee is hardly 1/10 the work of watching three young kids by yourself, cleaning your own house, cooking all the meals, being home for every handiman and repair, mailing out the holiday cards, handling all the birthday parties, thanksgiving, xmas etc.

And by the time you are done what job are you getting?

Meh. There’s a market price for all of this domestic work, and it’s far less than most professionals make.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like you are in a happy marriage. Why don't you sit him down and let him know how you feel and say something like "I feel overwhelmed and under-supported. I am concerned that you don't take my concerns about your spending seriously. If you want to continue this partnership, we need to meet with a couples therapist.". If he says no, get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you wake up one morning and tell him “You’re an amazing person. I love you. But I’m just not in love with you, I want a divorce,” and he’s the sole breadwinner, our divorce laws will financially reward you for that. For some reason, a non-working spouse is entitled to “more” than the working spouse.

I didn’t make the rules.

Of course they are. My wife quit work to be a stay at home mom. Me sitting in the office having a cup of coffee is hardly 1/10 the work of watching three young kids by yourself, cleaning your own house, cooking all the meals, being home for every handiman and repair, mailing out the holiday cards, handling all the birthday parties, thanksgiving, xmas etc.

And by the time you are done what job are you getting?

Meh. There’s a market price for all of this domestic work, and it’s far less than most professionals make.

But they’re not mommy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you wake up one morning and tell him “You’re an amazing person. I love you. But I’m just not in love with you, I want a divorce,” and he’s the sole breadwinner, our divorce laws will financially reward you for that. For some reason, a non-working spouse is entitled to “more” than the working spouse.

I didn’t make the rules.

Of course they are. My wife quit work to be a stay at home mom. Me sitting in the office having a cup of coffee is hardly 1/10 the work of watching three young kids by yourself, cleaning your own house, cooking all the meals, being home for every handiman and repair, mailing out the holiday cards, handling all the birthday parties, thanksgiving, xmas etc.

And by the time you are done what job are you getting?

Meh. There’s a market price for all of this domestic work, and it’s far less than most professionals make.

But they’re not mommy!

Well sure. They’re not Daddy either. But that wasn’t the point being discussed.

There’s also a tremendous life value that a stay at home parent receives that a working parent — especially a sole breadwinner — misses out on. Funny how the value of that experience of being able to stay home with your children when they are young is never accounted for in the “who gets what” divorce greed game.