DD has few goals in life

[Anonymous]

My 20-year-old daughter is currently in college and working part-time. To be able to go to college, she has taken out multiple loans (along with receiving an academic scholarship). We wanted to help her, but we couldn’t afford the cost of her tuition. Since being in college, her personality has drastically changed. She’s joined a church and become excessively religious. At our Easter dinner yesterday, she unexpectedly told multiple family members that her only goals and future plans in life are to become a wife and mom and that she’s essentially just doing what she has to until she meets someone (which was embarrassing to me). My sister’s kids were all sharing about their lives and these impressive goals that they have for themselves.

I feel like all common sense has gone out the window. I don’t know how she’s expecting to be able to pay off her loans. I want to ask her why she’s even in college if she is not planning on having a career in the future (because it seems pointless to me). My husband has told me not to say anything and that my disappointment is stemming from my embarrassment and comparison to my nephews and niece. This is mostly just a vent because I do not want to talk about this with the people that I know.

[Anonymous]

Comparison is the thief of joy. Your daughter does not have to “measure up” to her cousins or anyone else. Way too many parents fall into the trap of thinking that.

I would reflect on why you think her goal to become a wife and mother is inadequate.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the above - do not compare her to her cousins. Do make sure you're not on the hook for her loans. When I was 20 and busting my ass I sure would have loved the sweet deal my mom had of being a SAHM who watched talk shows all morning and soaps all afternoon before ordering the kids around to do chores once they came home from school. Then I grew up.

[Anonymous]

For many educated men, if she doesn't complete her college degree, she won't be the kind of woman they want to raise their children.

Most women these days don't get married and have kids right away. If she's young enough, taking time to make sure the marriage gets off on the right foot is a good idea. During that time, she can work to pay off her loans.

[Anonymous]

So, she goes to school, works, has a scholarship, and she also values family? That is a lot to be proud of!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Comparison is the thief of joy. Your daughter does not have to “measure up” to her cousins or anyone else. Way too many parents fall into the trap of thinking that.

I would reflect on why you think her goal to become a wife and mother is inadequate.

Thank you. I think I needed this reminder. Based on comments that they’ve made, I can tell that my side of the family already think that my DD is weird due to her religious beliefs/lifestyle and the way she dresses, so it can be hard to not have a chip on my shoulder sometimes. I’ve spent my entire life caring about what people think of my family and I. It’s difficult to break out of that mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For many educated men, if she doesn't complete her college degree, she won't be the kind of woman they want to raise their children.

Most women these days don't get married and have kids right away. If she's young enough, taking time to make sure the marriage gets off on the right foot is a good idea. During that time, she can work to pay off her loans.

I think she is trying to meet someone at her church rather than her college. I wholeheartedly believe that she will rush into getting married as soon as she meets someone suitable due to her beliefs about waiting until marriage.

I’m trying to not be that overbearing parent, but I can see the path that she may be headed down. I don’t want her to regret her decisions in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the above - do not compare her to her cousins. Do make sure you're not on the hook for her loans. When I was 20 and busting my ass I sure would have loved the sweet deal my mom had of being a SAHM who watched talk shows all morning and soaps all afternoon before ordering the kids around to do chores once they came home from school. Then I grew up.

The loans are in her name, so we won’t be responsible for them. I do think she has an idealized image of what being a SAHM is like, but I don’t think she’s going to grow out of wanting that for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 20-year-old daughter is currently in college and working part-time. To be able to go to college, she has taken out multiple loans (along with receiving an academic scholarship). We wanted to help her, but we couldn’t afford the cost of her tuition. Since being in college, her personality has drastically changed. She’s joined a church and become excessively religious. At our Easter dinner yesterday, she unexpectedly told multiple family members that her only goals and future plans in life are to become a wife and mom and that she’s essentially just doing what she has to until she meets someone (which was embarrassing to me). My sister’s kids were all sharing about their lives and these impressive goals that they have for themselves.

I feel like all common sense has gone out the window. I don’t know how she’s expecting to be able to pay off her loans. I want to ask her why she’s even in college if she is not planning on having a career in the future (because it seems pointless to me). My husband has told me not to say anything and that my disappointment is stemming from my embarrassment and comparison to my nephews and niece. This is mostly just a vent because I do not want to talk about this with the people that I know.

If you can't help with her debt then stay out of it. Having an education and going to college is good for intellectual and social development and an insurance policy if her mind or circumstances change. You don't need to compare her with anyone. Thats unhealthy. Also no need to consider her a list cause, she is only 20, still some growing up to do. Life would teach her. If she wants a more traditional life, that's okay too. It's her life, not yours.

[Anonymous]

*lost cause

[Anonymous]

She isn't your prized horse. She is a young human.

[Anonymous]

What is her major?

[Anonymous]

I feel all these ‘I’m just venting and throwing shade at my DD are all trolls at this point.

[Anonymous]

The problem isn’t wanting to be a wife and mother or staying home to raise kids.

The problem is that this church got their hooks into your daughter and are apparently feeding her a bunch of traditional values, which also means a certain political bent and notions about other groups. I would have a massive problem with the package she’s being sold here. I would worry that my daughter is gullible and liable to he brainwashed, and that any grandkids I have will grow up in a conservative society I don’t agree with.

Is she on the spectrum by any chance? These are the people who tend to go all in on new belief systems and don’t know how to moderate their enthusiasm. They have very black and white thinking.

[Anonymous]

Why are you disappointed and embarrassed instead of concerned?