Reply to Tension with Wife's Family over Finances

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[quote=Anonymous]My wife and I are both from successful families, but they have very different mindsets in terms of legacy, finances, and the like.  I am from a family of physicians that since my grandfather has valued leaving a legacy and paying it forward to future generations.  I had my undergraduate, medical, school, and first home paid for.  I also will receive/have already received a very generous inheritance.  I pay this forward by helping older relatives with managing their affairs (healthcare, finances, housing, etc.) and by helping younger cousins and nieces/nephews obtain prestigious internships, research, and the like.  Our family has a collective mindset when it comes to success and resources and I look forward to carrying this forward with my own children.

My wife's family despite similar if not greater wealth does things very differently.  Her father started a highly successful blue collar business which has made far more than I think anyone anticipated.  I will include some examples of irritating behavior that he has done:

- He had her take out "loans" from him informally for college and a graduate degree. He was ticked off at me once I informed him the payments on these "loans" would come to an end once our marriage took place.

- He and my MIL invite us on very expensive vacations and then expect us to cover our own cost which can be in the tens of thousands of dollars for some of the trips he likes. They complain if we do not go.  I feel annoyed about paying for this as I feel it is essentially my parents/grandparents subsidizing him because they paid for my medical school which is the only reason I can afford to pay for these trips. The older generation in my family always covers vacation expenses.

- Similar situation with restaurants. He will propose an expensive restaurant, order expensive items, and then want to split the check 50/50.  Again, I feel my family is subsidizing him so now I really try to get us to go to cheap places if we are dining with them.

Unfortunately,  this different mindset is causing quite a bit of tension and I am not sure how to approach delicately. My wife feels stuck in the middle and I know it would be unproductive to tell my FIL that his cheap ways essentially mean my family wealth is being used to subsidize him.[/quote]

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