Modern Love: Lindy West and polyamory

[Anonymous]

Surprised there isn't a thread on this yet. Writer Lindy West did a Modern Love column about accepting polyamory in her marriage after initially wanting to stay monogamous. I listened to the NYT podcast on the piece, which you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjVmd-m1LCA (if someone with a NYT subscription wants to share the actual column, please do, I don't have a subscription and hate when people post paywalled articles for discussion).

Summary: She knew he preferred polyamory when they married but he knew she wanted monogamy. He says that he realized polyamory was a superior approach to relationships when his first two marriages resulted in divorce by age 27. He did not tell her that he was starting a relationship outside their marriage -- she found out when a third party informed her that they'd seen him kissing another woman in a bar. After she found out, she spent a year feeling worthless, devastated, and betrayed. Then somehow it is determined that her husband's GF was attracted to Lindy, and Lindy decides she's attracted back, and now they are a happy polyamorous throuple.

Anyway, I see a lot of red flags here and kind of can't believe West is announcing this to the world like "here's how I discovered polyamory was for me!" If she'd just waited another year or two, she could have written a Modern Love column about being bamboozled via shaming and gaslighting into opening her marriage, by a husband who clearly doesn't respect her, and how the experience forced her to confront her lifelong struggles with insecurity and self worth. Hey, she can still write it, I'm sure ML has already penciled it in for like 2028.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

It just made me sad for her. She gave up on what she wanted (a "classic" marriage) for some dude who was divorced multiple times by his mid-twenties.

Girl, being single isn't that bad.

[Anonymous]

If polyamory really worked, more than 10% of Muslims would be practicing it. No one I know would dare ruin their family life with polygamy.

Yes, it can work is special circumstances but otherwise it ruins first marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised there isn't a thread on this yet. Writer Lindy West did a Modern Love column about accepting polyamory in her marriage after initially wanting to stay monogamous. I listened to the NYT podcast on the piece, which you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjVmd-m1LCA (if someone with a NYT subscription wants to share the actual column, please do, I don't have a subscription and hate when people post paywalled articles for discussion).

Summary: She knew he preferred polyamory when they married but he knew she wanted monogamy. He says that he realized polyamory was a superior approach to relationships when his first two marriages resulted in divorce by age 27. He did not tell her that he was starting a relationship outside their marriage -- she found out when a third party informed her that they'd seen him kissing another woman in a bar. After she found out, she spent a year feeling worthless, devastated, and betrayed. Then somehow it is determined that her husband's GF was attracted to Lindy, and Lindy decides she's attracted back, and now they are a happy polyamorous throuple.

Anyway, I see a lot of red flags here and kind of can't believe West is announcing this to the world like "here's how I discovered polyamory was for me!" If she'd just waited another year or two, she could have written a Modern Love column about being bamboozled via shaming and gaslighting into opening her marriage, by a husband who clearly doesn't respect her, and how the experience forced her to confront her lifelong struggles with insecurity and self worth. Hey, she can still write it, I'm sure ML has already penciled it in for like 2028.

Thoughts?

People always try to normalize their fetiches and glamorize their compromises, what's new here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just made me sad for her. She gave up on what she wanted (a "classic" marriage) for some dude who was divorced multiple times by his mid-twenties.

Girl, being single isn't that bad.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

A throuple isn't a couple, sooner or later one person is feeling alone and exploited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just made me sad for her. She gave up on what she wanted (a "classic" marriage) for some dude who was divorced multiple times by his mid-twenties.

Girl, being single isn't that bad.

+1
Stop settling, ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just made me sad for her. She gave up on what she wanted (a "classic" marriage) for some dude who was divorced multiple times by his mid-twenties.

Girl, being single isn't that bad.

OP here. Yes, I'm really feeling for Lindy and it makes me sad that someone who has inspired me previously with her writing could have been strong-armed into this situation and then gaslit into believing it's actually good for her.

There's especially this tone to the whole thing like this was all about Lindy learning lessons about relationships, jealousy, and possessiveness. Like she was stupid before, believing that you can have a healthy relationship where a man could be faithful to only her, but now she's been enlightened and understands that it was selfish for her to ever believe that.

Look, women get sold a lot of BS about fairy tales and happily ever after. I'm 10 years married and I don't hold a lot of illusions about monogamy being some perfect paradise. But this idea that a woman would need to be *educated* into thinking that what she wants out of a relationship and a marriage is wrong, and that actually what is "good for her" is the kind of relationships that she explicitly didn't want? ICK. Just no.

[Anonymous]

Weird people find weird people. I don't know how her husband could attract one person, let alone multiple at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Classic: some douchebro is divorced twice by 27 but yeah, it’s monogamy thats the issue. Not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just made me sad for her. She gave up on what she wanted (a "classic" marriage) for some dude who was divorced multiple times by his mid-twenties.

Girl, being single isn't that bad.

Preach!

[Anonymous]

Interesting, I had a very similar experience with my xH. He had 2 divorces by the time he was mid-30s, I knew he wasn’t monogamous, but I was very young and stupid and married him anyway (and yes, I know it was so, so stupid and I beat myself up over that decision every day).

Anyway, I caught him cheating and spent about 2 years in a severe depression and feeling devastated. XH tried to convince me this was more natural and better, although of course it only went one way - he did not want me pursuing other men.

I could see where an older version of me would have sucked it up and adopted the “lifestyle” just to keep my xH around, as sort of a pick-me-girl thing, to show how cool and advanced I was. I remember reading a lot of online writings from polyamorous influencers, and a lot of what they wrote did make sense to me at the time.

Things like, it leads to deeper levels of intimacy because you have to be honest and open and discuss everything, you feel even more loved, etc. The way they wrote about it made it all sound reasonable, even appealing. Although xH would never have been open even if I accepted it, by nature he likes to hide things from people.

But, 1. We had kids and I couldn’t do that to them and 2. After 2 years of being devastated, I stated to get my self esteem back, got in shape, had a glow up, etc and finally left xH.

Now I’m in a relationship with a deeply monogamous man and it’s so, so much better. There’s a level of trust and intimacy there that I never had with xH. I’m very grateful I chose to leave rather than stay with a loser guy to try to prove something.

[Anonymous]

I have never known a third marriage to work. That said, it is human nature to live in hope, no matter the incredible weight of evidence pointing the other way.

[Anonymous]

I read the NYT piece and yeah - red flag city. She seemed to be clearly ignoring her instincts + not really thinking about the future.

That said, especially since there are no kids involved, then these three adults can feel free to experiment and see what happens. It is not hurting anyone except potentially themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read the NYT piece and yeah - red flag city. She seemed to be clearly ignoring her instincts + not really thinking about the future.

That said, especially since there are no kids involved, then these three adults can feel free to experiment and see what happens. It is not hurting anyone except potentially themselves.

Agree on the kids, disagree it's not hurting anyone. As a longtime reader of West's writing, I actually find this piece so weird and potentially have negative impacts on her fan base.

A lot of women follow West specifically because they struggle with a lot of the same issues around self and social acceptance. Whether it's for weight or other reasons, her writing has long explored this idea of how women can value themselves even when other people, or society at large, is telling them they shouldn't.

I find this so disappointing because it really just feels her husband is using Lindy's struggles with self worth against her to convince her to accept a relationship that isn't what she wanted. For readers who have sometimes turned to her writing to work on their own empowerment and sense of self worth, it's confusing and almost embarrassing.

Hard dislike.